Gizmodo
A Gizmodo reader underwent a vasectomy to get an Apple iPhone, following his wife's orders after a road trip with his kids to Boise, Idaho. But fear not, dear readers-with-your-manly-parts-still-intact, because his amazing tale of heroic Apple fandom doesn't include any Bobbit-style genital violence. Keep reading to know why and the —strange— happy finish.
Mr. Johnson (no, I am not kidding) is a confessed Apple Fanboy. "To the extreme," according to his own words. In January, after years of rumors and speculation, he watched in awe as Apple finally introduced the iPhone to the world, bringing Universal Peace, Health and Happiness to the Galaxy. Or maybe just a stiffy happiness to people like Sean Johnson. Like many others, he was bewildered by the device. "At last, the holy JesusPhone!" he must have thought at the time. He wanted it. Badly. And, as you probably guessed, here's where our story turns awry.
The bad news was that he already had his budget spent. Yes, even before the iPhone was announced in January, he spent his whole budget for the whole year. The JesusPhone was arriving in six months and he wasn't going to be able to get it. And that, my friends, was dramatic, to say the least.
He was so turned on by the device that his loving wife, God bless her in her infinite patience, told him that he could have an iPhone out of his budget. The only problem: He could only get it when his Sprint contract expired at the end of 2007. That was a whole year of waiting. That meant six months living in angst watching the whole world touching, manhandling, even licking his JesusPhone. Madness, I tell you. That was a completely preposterous proposition to any true Apple fan.
Now fast-forward to June 29th. Sean was on this road trip to Boise with his kids, wife left behind at home taking care of the baby. He arrived at the hotel at 10:50 p.m. and, probably leaving his kids biting Snickers bars and watching TV in his room, he recklessly drove to an AT&T store to check the Advent of the PhoneLord (ok, so maybe it wasn't exactly reckless, but cut me some slack here, will you?) Lo and behold, he raised his holy hand cellphone upon high saying "O iPhone, Son of Steve Jobs, Defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of All California, thou shall be mine!" And there he went, with a new iPhone 4GB in his hands, purchased without Wife Clearance.
Yes, in some parts of the world this probably means getting your genitals completely severed. But not in the good ole U.S. of A. Or maybe not in the case of Sean: He only had to return the iPhone to the store after the Commander in Chief told him that his behavior was absolutely unacceptable. You may have gotten a MessiahPhone, but you are very naughty boy —return it at once! she probably said.
Two days later, she joined him in Denver. He was sad, non-talkative, down, depressed. You know, putting the Bambi Eyes and sighing at the sight of any Apple logo on display. The whole treatment. Noticing it, she broke the question:
— Honey, how badly you want the iPhone?
— Badly —he said, puppy eyes again, no doubt— very badly.
"Would you be willing to finally make that appointment for a vasectomy?" she replied.
What happened then? In Sean's own words:
"I absolutely love my new 8GB iPhone."
[Thanks go to reader Sean Johnson for sharing his Johnson's Adventures]
Comments
Wow! No more kids and a iPhone! Lucky dog.
A word of warning my friends... I did the vasectomy thing in 1987, not quite year after my youngest daughter was born... fastforward a few years and my doctor is concerned that for some reason my body stopped producing the male hormone Testosterone ... hmm, must be a tumor in the brain.. nope, that's not it. Why would a 30-something man in good health stop producing this oh so important man-stuff?
Turns out the so-called doctor who did the snipping in 1987 snipped badly... the result being shots every couple of weeks for the rest of my life.
Worth an iPhone? In a word... No.
Don't believe this tale? Read this: [www.seekwellness.com]
to wit:
"Vasectomy may damage the Leydig cells and lead to early andropause."
Sounds like the whole Johnson family "wins" in this scenario. Any medical procedure CAN be botched, usualy with negative results, but I personally know several men who have had vasectomies and all of them are fine, but now they are SAFE.
This is what I've been telling you people! Fanboyism hurts!
I don't think I would give up the little guys for a phone, but if I had children maybe I would give one of them up instead...no not really. Jesus, that photo is hilariously painful, kudos!
Hope Mr. Johnson (snicker) enjoys the phone...and the baby-free sex.
Its not that bad, I have not had any negative side effects from it. Plus its the only time I could go up to my boss (was a guy) and use the excuse that my balls hurt to go home for the rest of the day.
What a dork....
OMG NSFW picture WAAAAAA... lol bitches
Its a win/win! Sorta...
What's so crazy about this scenario? Other than it has to do with a medical procedure involving testicles, of course. I will remember this story years down the road when I have kids and a really awesome gadget comes out that I covet more than the use of my testicles. I never knew my balls could be a bartering tool...
I guess an iphone doesn't make a vast difference.
Man does he have balls.
I heard about giving a arm and a leg but this is ridiculously!
I could keep this going and going.
Being poor sucks.
There's something wrong about using a medical procedure as payment for a gadget. What is he going to give her next? Kidney? Lung? An arm or leg?
My question is did she then spring for the $600 phone or was he still required to pay for it?
"Hey Honey... I figured out a way to get that new car I've been wanting!"
Let us all raise our hands in silence.
*whichit*
If you are in Dallas and need a good vasectomy Dr, I have a great recommendation for one. Seriously.
Not only does the iPhone make you look impotent, it actually makes you impotent.
That's golden! I wish I thought about that..... damn!!! *leaves to change baby diaper*
Are you serious! He made his kids eat bars of sneakers! That's messed up! And the whole vasectomy thing just sounds painful!
the vasectomy was actually the best decision I ever made so far in my life. This was at 23 and I am pushing 40 now, so far no problems. But, on the other hand, at least one girlfriend was so hormone-crazed and/or out of this world at the end of the relationship, that she would have tried everything to get pregnant.
So, the only remorse I have now is: should have exchanged the vasectomy for an iPhone. But, I was 16 years ahead of my time...
I think Glenn Quagmire said it best: "You take the venom out of a cobra and what have you got? You've got a.... belt."
But belts do go oh so well with stylish and "useful" iPhones.
Talk about having your husband by the balls...
If he is dumb enough to accept such a deal, he shouldn't be allowed to pro-create ...
In a way, he could apply for the Darwin Awards!
I wonder if wifey enforced returning it because it was out of their budget or because he bought the 4gb model.
He lost. Fair and square. That dude lost at life.
I can't even begin to imagine being married to someone like that. Blech.
But what will he trade to get the iPhone gen 2?
@Yep: Nice, subtle with a hint of awesome, I tip my hat.
Vasectomies are great because they prepare you against the "oops" women, and give you the gift of no children. All I have to do is masturbate in a cup beforehand and my biological imperative is complete, eventually. But if many of you wish to hold on to it (even after having children) for some absurd, and incorrect, notion of masculinity, enjoy your accident children, I'm sure they will.
Hell if anything, the fact that he got the iPhone was more emasculating
ahhh yeah not dropping loads
Way too funny...Story gets my vote!
[iphone.corank.com]
@Yep: Nice pun. Too bad only about 2% of readers will get it.
Yep,
You men vas deferens?
I want to be very clear on this. I don't want children in my lifetime. But I would NEVER get a vasectomy. It is not only because of health reasons but also pride. I would not let a stupid woman f**k with me down there. Lorena bobbit should have had a clitectomy and been burned alive. Any woman who does this to her husband for a "toy" should be shot. Now, i'm not saying this guy isn't an irresponsible jackass of a financial nightmare husband, cuz he is.
He is pussy whipped. Now ladies, listen up. All your little feminist groups are cute and all, but in this world, the Man has the last say.
Now, I am ALL for mutual understanding, mutual trust, and mutual decision making regarding marriage. A marriage is based on communication and love, but when women step over the line, its time to slap them upside their heads. I do not hate women, I hate bitches and those whom seek to dominate their man or have the "upper hand", no pun intended.
I am anti-feminist and just as proof that feminism is wrong, remember in the 1950's when women knew their place? When they kept their mouth shut, and only opened it to use it for pleasure? Well, back then there were no clashes of the sexes. Only until women got all bitchy, did problems happen. I am ALL for equal rights, but women need to know their place, just as Men need to know theirs and not abuse it.
Women can be strong, and independent, and work next to or above men on the financial or job ladder so to speak (ie: be a man's boss) and thats all fine and good, but the moment you play the man card (ie: men start wars, men are idiots, all men are jerks..ect..) then you frankly should shut it.
Here's the mystery of women revealed, so listen up guys. "What do women want". The answer is simple, there is no proper answer. Each woman is different, each womans wants are different. Now you think guys are the only ones who are superficial? Women for ages have been wanting the perfect man, and the perfect marriage. To be "deflowered" on a bed of roses with cherubs singing. They want their life to be that of a romantic novel, which by the way has polluted women's minds for decades. Sorry ladies, no perfect life for you, it doesn't exist. I suggest you watch the movie "hitch". Good example of what bitches SOME women can be.
My views and opinions are not of ALL women. I do not claim that all women or that a high percentile are as described. I am only speaking the truth, and fact, mixed with my views. I am not a homosexual (Thank God) nor am I a woman hater. Please note: I am well aware the possible first flame of me will be "boy, he's going to be alone for a long time." LOL. Nah, I've had nothing but good relationships.
I had one after we had 2 kids...its not a big deal...besides the 2 weeks of swollen balls and me being REALLLLY cranky.
Sex is more fun now, dont give a shit about kids/birthcontrol/etc...
Imperius...LOL you got dumped for a biker didnt ya? DIDNT YA!
You're not a woman hater, but you are misinformed, as well as controlled by the gender roles. Great job at failing at equality.
Mysogonist of the week award goes to Imperius!!!
Go back to beating your wife and mother.
@Yep: HA!!!
@Imperius: Angry much?
This story seems so pathetic to me in so very many ways.
OMG, what a fool this guy was. He had his manhood chopped so he could get stuck into a 2-year contract with AT&T?!? Dumbass!
Now, if the iPhone had 3G, Flash, and Java support, and a better carrier like Sprint or Verizon (preferably Sprint, since their data service for smartphones is much cheaper and less-restrictive than Verizon), I'd be happy to get the snip-snip for one. (Besides, children are overrated... and get the hell off my yard!!)
I cant even begin to respond to the load of crap that Imperious dumped on us, but this guys is NOT living in reality. Not one of the misinformed, ignorant remarks he makes reflects the truth about most women, but I can see why the few desperate nutcase bitches might go for him. No reasonable, intelligent woman would listen to his brand of "logic" for very long. As for "doing a Bobbit" on Mr Johnson, from the story, its aparent that Mr Johnson had ALREADY decided with Mrs Johnson to have a vasectomy, but was procrastinating making the call to schedule it. Medical FACT: Vasectomies are cheaper, easier, less invasive and with a much quicker recovery time than a tubal ligation and CERTAINLY better than an unplanned pregnancy. If you are in a PARTNERSHIP type of relationship, you should look at what is best for BOTH parties. Kudos to the real MEN out there, but Imperious isnt one of them.
I disagree with a post some above, what is the point for depending on some fluids to be more or less of a man. I am pro-vasectomy, it will give you freedom and believe me, you will not even notice your little runners have less luggage on the back, that is the only difference, and the funny part, you will even be rewarded if you are lucky enough and have a comprehensive wife like this dud has. Go Vasectomy !!!
"Not one of the misinformed, ignorant remarks he makes reflects the truth about most women."
What I said:
"My views and opinions are not of ALL women. I do not claim that women or that a high percentile are as described"
Read much? LOL.
I am by no means saying most women are like this. What I am saying is that there are some women as described in my post, in this world. I could easily state that a woman didn't exactly read before she spoke, in this example. But meh, its fine.
To quote an article I read about womens logic. Anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die, shouldn't complain about mens logic.
anyone notice that he bought the 4 gig model, but ended up with the 8 gig after the procedure?
Gads, this is hilarious. Imperious really needs to take a deep breath and join a monastery or something. And xtremecamera is stuck with male menopause due to a quacktastic doc. Sorry, xtremecamera, but as a female who has menopause to look forward to, I have a hard time feeling for ya. I actually wish all men had to go through what you have. Things would feel a bit more even then. Let's start with Imperious.
All of this from the iPhone? The mind boggles from the Freudian connections herein.
@Imperius:
Nah, I've had nothing but good relationships.
From your comment on the Japanese BJ machine:
seriously though, why the hell can't we buy this stuff online.
...riiiiiight.
....
I hope he accidently breaks the iPhone and looses the warranty.
@Imperius, that noise you are hearing now is the boom! of the ban-hammer breaking the sound barrier as it approaches you. Bye bye.