NASA started accepting applications for future explorers today. The salary range is $66,026.00 to $144,566.00. The benefits are great. “Frequent travel may be required.” You might even get to go to Mars! Sounds like a dream job to me.

I got so excited when NASA first announced its recruiting push last month, I got my application all ready to go. Unfortunately, upon closer inspection, I’m so absurdly unqualified to be an astronaut, I can’t believe I’m even capable of reading the job listing. For your entertainment and my shame, my cover letter to NASA is pasted below.

Dear NASA:

Hi, I’m Adam! Big fan of your work, especially the Nike Air stuff. Since I was a kid, I’ve always dreamed of going to space one day, peering out into the abyss of the unknown while floating through zero gravity and wearing an adult diaper. I read on the internet that you’re recruiting new astronauts and would love to be considered.

Let me start with the good news. I have a bachelor’s degree in history and literature, a degree that included one class about Einstein—lots of space talk in that one—and an art class called “Loitering” that was more serious than it sounds. I was also a rower, though my athletic career was cut short by an injury that’s totally healed now. After college, I pursued a career in blogging and gained skills that will surely come in handy for future press releases about adventurous missions. I have written several blog posts about time travel.

My enthusiasm for astronaut work will make me a valuable member of the Mars crew. Like Matt Damon, I’ve been dabbling in botany; the yucca plant in my living room is not yet dead. I very much enjoy eating foods out of bags and pooping in the most efficient way possible. Like Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield, I am also an avid Twitter user. And thanks to a career in technology journalism, I also have much knowledge of various robots and am sure I’ll get along fine with the androids on board.

I should mention a few, shall we say, details to ensure there are no surprises in the later stages of astronaut initiation. My knowledge of engineering is limited to simple home improvements, some of which have proven to be slightly defective. I also do not know how to fly anything larger than a small quadcopter, but I imagine even my limited piloting skills will set me apart from many candidates. On a more positive note, I am equipped with one cyborg ear, though my hearing trouble may prove irrelevant since no one can hear you scream in space.

I am also an American citizen and former Boy Scout. Thank you for your consideration.

Respectfully,

Adam Clark Estes

I might just send it in anyways. Wish me luck!

Image via 20th Century Fox / Gizmodo


Contact the author at adam@gizmodo.com.
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