Image: AP Photo/Andrew Harnik

“James Comey better hope that there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” our president tweeted publicly today, in what was almost certainly a threat against the former FBI Director he unexpectedly fired on Tuesday. Both pointed and totally incomprehensible, it’s the sort of looming question mark a press secretary could conceivably be tasked with clearing up.

That didn’t happen at all during today’s press briefing, where Sean Spicer (likely hamstrung by an earlier Trump tweet about the inaccuracy of his spokespeople) returned to the podium to describe the tweeted threat as “not a threat,” adding, “He simply stated a fact. The tweet speaks for itself.”

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Remarkably, Spicer did not have an aneurysm on the spot, or afterwards when he stated that he was unaware of any taped conversation between Comey and Trump. Comey, likewise, has not made any threat to leak anything to the press or public.

Since Trump was sworn into office, Spicer’s job has been to wear a metaphorical “kick me” sign for the White House. But even by Spicey standards, this week has surely been a trying one. While Sarah Huckabee Sanders stole the press secretary limelight—demonstrating baseline competence at deflecting for the president—Spicer was caught hiding from press among some bushes in the dark, only to be dragged out today in front of a firing squad.

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Spicer, the spitting image of a career lackey, will probably spend this evening with his head buried deep in fabric for his requisite 23 minutes of daily shout-crying. Let’s speculate which pillow he’ll be cursing his family name into.


This offering from Coop Home Goods is a hypoallergenic blend of Rayon and polyester. An average piece of bedding for an average scream session. Probably not tonight’s pillow.

“Why is this Travelmate neck pillow wet?” you might ask tomorrow. It isn’t the easiest thing to swallow, but Sean might just choke it down in a pinch!

This InteVision foam pillow is shaped like a weird wedge. You can probably have different kinds of sex on it, or more comfortable versions of the same sex. But tonight Sean might be using it for yelling instead.

This is not a pillow Sean Spicer would own. If he did, however, the cooling aloe would sooth the raw stinging in his eyes after howling into the memory foam.

We’d like to think this is the pillow Sean pours every wretched obscenity into, soaking his boss’s ballsack of a face with bile. But in all likeliness, Spicer is far too craven to stand up to even a reprinted image of his tormentor. This is also not Sean’s tonight-pillow.

Jackpot.

Do you have a good pillow for Sean to yell into? Leave it in the comments.