Listen, drinking all night is not healthy. But it's holiday party season, that perfect storm of open bar and all of your colleagues waiting to see who will be this year's obnoxious, puking, passed out and/or dead person at the party. Don't be that guy.
It's Friday afternoon, you've made it through the long week, and it's time for Happy Hour, Gizmodo's weekly booze column. A cocktail shaker full of innovation, science, and alcohol. Ho ho homygod...
First off, let's review the science of drunk. In order to survive this soused-up office party, you need to understand how alcohol is metabolized. According to the National Institutes of Health :
After alcohol is swallowed, it is absorbed primarily from the small intestine into the veins that collect blood from the stomach and bowels and from the portal vein, which leads to the liver. From there it is carried to the liver, where it is exposed to enzymes and metabolized... BAC [Blood-Alcohol Content] is influenced by environmental factors (such as the rate of alcohol drinking, the presence of food in the stomach, and the type of alcoholic beverage) and genetic factors (variations in the principal alcohol-metabolizing enzymes alcohol dehydrogenase [ADH] and aldehyde dehydrogenase [ALDH2]).
Got it? Good. Now some tips.
Duh. Drinking throughout a long party should be approached as an endurance event. You are literally slowly poisoning yourself for hours on end and seeing how long you can take it. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Listening to your body is the number one most important thing. If it tells you, "I've had enough," well, you had a good run, but you need to stop, because you could do some serious damage. However, your body may send the message, "Just gimme another 15 minutes. I'm still working on that last one," in which case, game on. Respect those messages, though, and do your best to listen for them.
Maximum Volume, Minimum Impact
ABV (alcohol by volume) is critical here. The lower the better. Continuing the metaphor from the last section, this is a marathon. Sipping beer (typically 6 percent ABV) is a slow, steady jog that is more likely to get you to the finish line. Taking a shot of whiskey (typically 40 percent ABV) is like doing a 100-yard dash as fast as you can in the middle of said marathon. You're going to blow yourself out too quickly, and very well might not finish unless you slow way down immediately afterward.
Yes, I know this is problematic for those of us who love sipping on whiskey. It's delicious, it's classy, it makes you feel like John Hamm. Sure, but taking tiny little sips is hard to do. Especially when you start getting thirsty from standing around for so long, or because you want to do something with your hands to fill the gap in an awkward conversation. It can be done, but it takes great self-restraint. If you're going to do it, try to drink it in tandem with a glass of water, at least, and remember, slow and steady wins the race.
This is absolutely essential. Drinking on an empty stomach is a recipe for disaster. Blackouts, blood-poisoning, all kinds of bad shit. It's a rookie mistake—don't ever, ever do it. Ever! You need to eat and we're not talking about potato chips—real meals. You have the entire day to prepare.
Start with a big, hearty breakfast. As mentioned, alcohol is primarily absorbed in the small intestine. You know what else is? Complex carbohydrates. Fuel up with a breakfast of whole-wheat pancakes, or oatmeal, but don't stop there. Because BAC is affected by gastric emptying rates, put something more substantial in there, like ham and eggs. Proteins and fats take longer to digest, so they'll stay with you longer and continue to work their anti-spins magic. Cheeseburgers are a superfood in this sport.
Keep eating once you get to the party, too, and do not stop. Not only will keeping plenty of food in your stomach slow the rate of alcohol absorption, but it will make you feel full, which will encourage you to drink slower.
Drinking stuff that fills you up will help, too. Again, beer is great for this. Y'know what else is? Egg nog. If you can control how much alcohol goes into it, then you've got yourself a hearty (yet appropriately festive) drink that will slow down the rest of the booze you're drinking. Just go light on the booze.
Alcohol is a diuretic, which means it makes you pee more, which can lead to dehydration (one of the major causes of getting sick from drinking, and also of hangovers). Water is your friend. Not soft drinks, not fizzy water, water. Aim to have once glass of water for every alcoholic beverage you consume. It's hard to do it, and you will pee quite a lot, but try.
Hydration is absolutely critical for maintaining proper brain function. The more you dry out, the more your head will hurt and the harder thinking straight will become, and that will lead you down a nasty path very quickly. Do you want to tell your secret office crush that you've loved them for years and would do anything for just one night with them? No? Then definitely drink as much water as you can throughout the night.
Have you ever noticed that when you're tired, one beer can hit you like it was three? There are a number of contributing factors here. Part of it is just that when you're tired, thinking clearly is more difficult. Ever heard the phrase "sleep drunk?" The symptoms of exhaustion can manifest themselves in a manner similar to drunkenness. Adding alcohol to the equation only amplifies this effect. But there's something else going on as well. According to the University of Rochester:
General fatigue or tiredness will lead to a higher BAC than normal as one's liver is less efficient at processing and/or eliminating alcohol when one's general energy level is low. Furthermore, as alcohol is a depressant, consuming alcohol when tired will, in general, simply increase one's level of tiredness while magnifying alcohol's traditional effects.
Extreme tiredness = pass out = you lose. If you know you're in for a long night of drinking, get as much sleep as possible the night before.
Heat and alcohol are not a good combination. The U.S. Army agrees, that alcohol "raises the body's blood pressure, increasing the risk of a heat-related illness like hyperthermia (over heating) and heat stroke (especially for people with high blood pressure)."
Plus, when you're hot you sweat more and need more water to maintain equilibrium. Because alcohol is a diuretic and you're already losing a lot of fluids, this is a bad combo. Heat can also exacerbate the symptoms of drunkenness. Yeah, it's December, but a lot of holiday parties really crank up the heat inside. Keep checking in with your core temp, and stand by a window to get some fresh air when you need it.
When you're pissing like a goat every ten minutes, you aren't just losing water, you're losing some important nutrients. In order to avoid painful hangovers (which may start long before the day is over) it's important to replenish these nutrients. B vitamins are one of the first things alcohol depletes you of. There are plenty of foods that are a good course of B vitamins, or you could pop a B-Complex.
You're also going to needs some electrolytes. While sports drinks like Gatorade are supposedly electrolyte-balanced to help with rehydration, but they also have a lot of sugar. You know what's better? Those little pouches of Emergen-C. They're cheap, it's easy to keep a few in your pocket, AND they have all the B vitamins you need. Epic win. Look for drinks with plenty of potassium in them, too, since that's one of the first things to go (Gatorade typically only gives you 2-percent of your RDA for potassium—you can do better).
Now, some also recommend taking aspirin as you drink (do not exceed recommended doses). Aspirin has been show to interfere with the action of alcohol dehydrogenases, thus slowing down the rate of absorption. While it may keep you sober longer, there is potential for harmful interaction, so we do not recommend this. Using Tylenol (acetaminophen) is a definite DON'T as you can really damage your liver. In fact, it's best to stay away from any NSAIDS while drinking. A hangover the next day is far preferable to organ damage.
Many people choose to caffeinate while drinking. It's true that it will keep you more alert, but it will not keep you more sober. In fact, this goes against the "listen to your body rule," because you are artificially tricking it into thinking it's better off than it is. This can lead to too much drinking, too fast, and serious black-out experiences. Also, caffeine is a diuretic, like alcohol, so it will further dehydrate you. We're not saying we never do this, we're just saying that you should be extra, extra careful when you do. Four Loko was banned for a reason.
Above All, Think
Again, exercise judgement here. We understand that sometimes you want to cut loose, but don't hurt yourself or others. Have your fun, but stay safe, and make sure you're alive (and still employed) in the morning.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby