Valentine's Day may just be a consumerist Hallmark holiday—but that doesn't mean you can't have a little fun this evening. So instead of jewelry or flowers, why not get your loved one something a little more... animated? NSFW, because obviously.
This is the Crave Duet, a dual-headed vibrator that charges via USB, and has a whole 16GB of storage in the attached flash drive (for porn, because it's a vibrator-shaped USB drive so of course it's for porn). It's a wee bit pricey at $300, but to be fair, it is gold - and we all know girls love gold, almost as much as they love black siliconised vibratey thingy. $300
Club Vibe 2.OH
The 2.OH (why oh why do sex toys all have such terrible names?) is one of those two-part vibrators. The, ahem, business end goes where you'd expect, and then you get a remote control with a built-in mike, which literally makes you move with the beat. Or, if there's no music, you (or your partner) can use the manual override to make things happen. $75
Tenga 3D Polygon
Contrary to popular belief, sex toys aren't just for women and they don't all have to look like massive, garishly-coloured cocks. The Tenga 3D is, put simply, a ‘Male Masturbation Sleeve' - or a Fleshlight, basically. Only this one looks like some kind of Origami sculpture, rather than a silicone vagina, and that's a bit more socially acceptable when someone stumbles on it hidden in the bedside drawer. $45
The Vivi is a good ole' remote-control vibrator, but that remote control harnesses all the mighty sexual power of the internet to control your device from afar. Designed for long-distance couples with a minor kinky streak, the guy (or girl, not judging) in control has manual options, and a microphone to let you rock along to some banging ‘tunes. $200
Some sex toys are exactly what they say on the tin - the Mio Ring doesn't need much imagination. Once you have it ‘installed' in the right place, the buttons let you fiddle with the level of ‘stimulation'. Oh, and it's got a magnetic induction charger a la MacBook (someone else for you to sue, Apple), meaning it's totally waterproof, so you can get as kinky as you like.
Sometimes, simple things are best. Although the Shy vibrators aren't internet-connected or anything like that, they are sensitive to temperature, so you can pop them on ice before, erm, use. Plus, there's no cables or wires - and to be honest, that's a good thing. Sex toys that look too much like medical implements can, I'm reliably informed, be a bit off-putting. $100
FiFi Waterproof Rechargeable Vibrator
This one doesn't mess around (and no, it's not the same thing as a prison "fifi"). It's a rabbit-style vibrator (see the ears?) with three motors. Three! One large motor for the shaft and two small ones for the "ears," which operate independently. Soft, firm silicone, inductive/magnetic charging, and totally water-proof. It ain't discreet, in fact it kinda screams dildo, but hey, it's a dildo. It's for dildoing. Get over it. $140
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