And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Scruffage is spread. This growing trend among American youth is not some innocent, victimless high. It's a highly-contagious parasitic infection that changes human physiology at the most basic facial hair level, transforming young men and women into cantankerous, chain-smoking, rail-riding hobos forever addicted to the simple freedom of the open rail, harmonica solos, and baked beans cooked in a can.

Please note that Scruffage is a bacterial disease not to be confused with the equally infectious Paul Bunyan's Disease, whose symptoms include projectile vomit that smells of maple syrup and the uncontrollable transformation of the patient into a giant lumberjack, enraged by the number of trees he sees still standing.