Get me an app that delivers me a pie from there and I'll buy it. Otherwise, I'm schlepping to Avenue J.

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Well, in this case, I do not hate to be the guy.

If you live in New York City, and you are ordering from Papa John's you have no soul and are a vile, evil, dirty person. Perhaps not even a person. Maybe some kind of rat-pigeon hybrid that happens to know how to type and speak like a human. But that gives too much credit to the rat-pigeons.

Sure, sometimes you want that magical Pizza Hut outside crust that only they can provide. And sometimes you need that particular thickness that only Dominos delivers. I get it. Fast food pizza is not equivalent to regular pizza. Just like sometimes you need a real, thick, grilled burger, and sometimes you just want that sweet little McD's cheeseburger. They are different creatures. So even in a city with the best pizza in the world, when you need a fix, you need a fix.

But Papa John's is not pizza.

It barely qualifies as food.

Sure the "discovery" of umami got all the credit as the newest taste, along with bitter, salty, sour, sweet, and umami.

But this avoids giving credit where credit is due. To Papa John's for in fact introducing two new tastes. Cardbord-WTF? and a unique variant on sweet, Sweet-Bad.

No. When it comes to ordering Papa John's, the only technological improvement available would be never-dull scissors, so that I could cut your phone line or cable when you tried to order it. Or perhaps a guided hammer that I could use to knock the cell phone out of your hand without hurting your precious fingers.

Fingers that better be used to eat something other than Papa John's.

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