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Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job

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G-Ram
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
It's not a job offer packet, it's a new hire kit... as was already pointed out below. But I knew before seeing that that it wasn't a "job offer" because Apple doesn't offer anybody work; you offer to work for them.
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Edited by G-Ram at 10/05/09 10:05 PM G-Ram was starred G-Ram was unstarred

trs
10/05/09

@G-Ram: I know two current Apple employees that were heavily recruited. Apple does, indeed, offer jobs to people they really want.
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ioos
10/06/09

@trs: wooosh!
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IN THE FACE!
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Dear applicant,

Enclosed you will find directions to the nearest reality distortion field generator, we ask that you begin making your way there now while continuing to read the contents of this packet.

Once there you will be given a robe and shoes with velcro fasteners. You will then be led into the hall that contains the distortion field generator, you should sit in this hall and quietly reflect on your undying love for Steve Jobs, the distortion generator will over time, at this close proximity, open your mind to the power that is the jobs. You will eventually hear him speaking to you through space and time. Follow his instructions, for he shall orient you to our ways.

Once this is complete, please report to HR for an explanation of benefits, don't forget your SS card and at least one other form of photo-ID.

Please be advised of our printing policy, no more than 0.001pL of Ink/Toner may be used per page (both sides included), this policy is strictly enforced.

Xenu be praised,
Apple HR
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benjamoon
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This

Weird I got something like that when I got fired from the Apple Retail Store.
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Anthony Lee
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Yes this is definitely a welcome packet for new hires... trust me I know, I worked there. At first many employees work for a temp related position through a third party group like Volt (technical services), and when you are hired on full time after about 6 months of slaving away with no benefits and less pay, you get one of these beauties or you get a "see ya later, re-apply for a new position after 6 months". It is funny, but it is actually a slick looking packet with HR stuff in it. I was stoked to get mine. I loved working for Apple.
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Jim Topoleski
10/05/09

@Anthony Lee: Ahh Volt, how I remember dealing with them when I first worked for Apple.
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Joe Stoner
10/05/09

@Anthony Lee: Is this just a retail position, or a professional position?
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Jim Topoleski
10/05/09

@joestoner: you're obviously Awesome, but: These where the professional ones back in the day when I worked for them. It may have spread and mine looked slightly different from this but I don't remember my friends who ended up going to retail getting these.
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Chris Hansen
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
This is totally fake. The real ones are delivered by albino falcons all the way from Cupertino. Bound in silk red ribbon and protected from prying eyes by powerful magicks. Written in the blood of newborn doves on paper which has been hand-pressed by virgin slaves in a secret warehouse under Hawaii.

That's the real deal.
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Geisrud
10/05/09

@Leonce: I almost believed you, but you forgot the sparkling shit from unicorns.
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OMG! Ponies!
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Welcome to Apple, Inc.

Most companies will send you an information package with information about 401k matching and your health benefits.

Apple, Inc., however, likes to "think different". There is no 401k or health insurance paperwork because we have decided not to offer it to you.

It just seems to be more intuitive that way. We hope to see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Monday. And, like our wonderfully designed products, you "just work".
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skiplightly
10/05/09

@OMG! Ponies!:

When I worked for Apple I had a 401k and Health Insurance. And this was at the damn retail store. You just have to be willing to swallow your own opinion if it doesn't stir the kool aid. and accept the fact that you'll get fired.
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OMG! Ponies!
10/05/09

@skiplightly: I actually have no doubt that Apple offers that. I was just trying to imagine the douchiest thing to write in a welcome packet.
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Kaiser-Machead
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
I'm most interested in that osmosis patch that comes in the packet. Word is that it contains some kind of diluted neurotoxin, developed from Jobs' pheromones. The upshot of which is that it makes you very calm and complacent, which is essential when he's on his yelling sprees.
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Monty
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Wouldn't Apple want the public to know that their "think different" concept carries down to the human resources water cooler?
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Hello Mister Walrus
10/05/09

In reply to Apple's Job Offer Letters Look Like This
Where is the topless picture of Steve Jobs?
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AvohkahTamer Has A Lazorcat!
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
Do Lego models count?
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Nick
06/30/09

@AvohkahTamer Has A Lazorcat!: you missed the boat on that one bud. they were hiring Lego architects not too long ago.
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Nick
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
i can make an ash tray with clay.
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nutbastard
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
Saying that this 'isn't a design job' is absurd - it's the guy who models the damn thing that's the first to see what's potentially wrong with it and who gets first stab at suggesting modifications. The modeler is almost never lead designer, but he almost always has the ear of whoever is.
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Gann
06/30/09

@nutbastard: While I agree with you in principle, the fact that they repeatedly state that this is not a design job - nor could it lead to one - says loads about who they are looking for and what they will/will not want this person to do.
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nutbastard
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
OMG OMG OMG OMG THIS IS WHAT I ALREADY DO!

...and i'll be totally usurped by someone with a fancy college degree. Sigh.
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nutbastard
06/30/09

@nutbastard:

also, I'm not familiar with the software they'd want me to know. sigh. a man can dream, though.
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Nintenboy01
06/30/09

@nutbastard: I wonder if they might be using some proprietary Pixar modeling software?
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nutbastard
06/30/09

@Nintenboy01:

"This position requires an advanced understanding and use of 3D surface modeling software, preferably Alias Studio or Rhino."
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Lite: hates Illinois Nazis
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
You mean where you plug in a bunch of calculations for the actual artists and then feed it to a rendering farm to product 3d graphics of the item suitable for use in machining prototypes?
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Gann
06/30/09

In reply to Apple's 3D Modeler Opening Could Be Your Dream Job
From the link: "This is not a design position"
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Nick
06/30/09

@Gann: i have worked a couple jobs where they say it isn't one thing and it actually is.
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tande04
06/30/09

@Nick: How many jobs have you worked where the description matched the job too?

It doesn't sound like a design job, it sounds like an industrial job.
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Nick
06/30/09

@tande04: employers are just like job hunters always looking to embellish their postings just a wee bit.
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Gann
06/30/09

@Nick: From further down the article:

"Candidates must keep in mind that this is not a designer position nor is it a stepping-stone to a designer position."
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Nick
06/30/09

@Gann: alright, alright. next time i will click-thru and read it.
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