1. Maxell Digital Earbuds 191208

Better fit, deep in the ear. Volume control on wire. But soft sound levels, and a slight static. Music was in the other room, not my ears.
Price: $15.95
Verdict: Staticky, NOT BETTER

2. Genius HP-02 Live

Once again, deep ear fit. These bad boys are exploring places of my body I didn't know I had. Sound doesn't have a bad balance, but once again, nothing spectacular here.
Price: $9.99
Verdict: Frisky but NOT BETTER

3. Philips SHE2650

Design is very similar to iPod headphones, as is the sound. But these are just a hair less sparkling than Apple's headphones with even less impressive lows.
Price: $7.99
Verdict: Has a case, NOT BETTER

4. Jlabs JBuds Hi-Fi

These had the strongest bass of any model we tested. And they gave Bolero, our test song, more of a stage feel. But fidelity was lacking. So while the headphones sound "big" they don't always sound so clear.
Price: $19.19
Verdict: NOT BETTER

5. Coby Super Bass CV-E92

The balance reminded me of the jLab model we tested, possibly with even better clarity in some ranges. There is certainly more bass in these headphones than Apple's offerings, but while it makes us crave more lows in the iPod stock earbuds, Coby doesn't touch the present highs to mids of Apple. They're a pretty sweet deal for $5 though.
Price: $4.88
Verdict: A bargain, but NOT BETTER

6. Koss BDZ1 Two-Pack Earbud Headphones with Case

Unresponsive. Very quiet at a given volume level compared to the ipod earbuds. But for this price, you get TWO sets of earbuds and a case.
Price: $8.01
Verdict: (NOT BETTER X 2) + Case

7. Philips SHS3201/37 Flexible Earhook w/ Bud -White

I'd expected these fancy white headphones to sound better, given Philips' reputation and the solid placement coming from the earhooks, but they were loud, but less clear than the iPod's.
Price: $8.38
Verdict: White, impossible to Shake Off, but NOT BETTER

Also of note, the iPod earbuds fit the Nano a lot better than competitors. We think this is mostly because the earbud jack isn't bent on Apple's model, unlike all the other models which bend at a 90-degree angle before the wire. A non-bending plug translates to less cord rotation and subsequent static/pops.

As for fitting the ears, most models on the market now offer multiple sized earplug adapters. If Apple's earbuds aren't fitting you correctly, then don't think twice about finding something more comfortable or just using the black foam inserts. You'll never get optimal sound out of any headphone that doesn't fit you properly, anyway.

At the end of the day, Apple might not give us the best headphones around with our iPods, but they're not highway robbery either. Given that they were better than quite a few $20 and under models, we're thinking that $30 isn't the most ludicrous price in the world, and "free with iPod" is looking pretty freaking decent.

The problem is overheating, which seems to be a common trend among electronics trying to cram a lot of devices into not a lot of space. No injuries have been reported so far (though there has been some property damage), but we'd send our units back if we were you. The design of these things is an abomination before God, and He won't stand for it for long. [Coby via Oh Gizmo!]

- Josh Ziegler

Twenty-one months after your humble narrator first opined on the admirable resilience of faux Discmen, the Reaper has come for Low End Theory: as of today, this column will (in the not-so-immortal words of Charles Manson) cease to exist. Its biodegraded carcass shall nourish the gazelles, who in turn nourish the lions, making it an integral part of the Circle of Life...uh, okay, scratch that. But hopefully y'all were occasionally entertained by LET's voyage through the Electro-Dreck Realms.

And what a grand voyage it was. After the jump, a rundown of lessons learned while bringing y'all—week in, week out—the very best in As Seen on TV specials, prison-approved radios, five-buck pagers, and oh-so-much-more.

&*$&!@ Best Buy True cheapskates look for their gadgets not at the local electronics shop, but rather at retailers who operate on the margins: pawn shops, government auctions, and, of course, dollar stores. There's no question that low-end electronics will continue to become more widely available through such non-traditional channels; I greatly anticipate the day when my local C-Town offers Nokia handsets alongside issues of Soap Opera Digest. (Note to Alltel: hooking up such a partnership would be yet another great way to compete with the big boys.)

The Lords of Guangdong It's obviously impossible to do a low-end column without frequently considering China's role. To that end, I've taken occasion to ruminate on how Shenzhen factories connect with American entrepreneurs, and how China's lax intellectual property enforcement has impacted the RC helicopters industry. I'd always hoped that Gizmodo would fly me out to Guangdong for some on-the-scene reporting. No dice, but perhaps that's for the best— China's time may already be passing, as the likes of Vietnam and Bangladesh try (with mixed success) to become the next Workshops to the World.

Nascent Giants Despite Gizmodo's paltry—okay, non-existent—travel budget, I did manage to scope out low-end items abroad: once in India (where it's all about the art of negotiation), and once in Brazil (where government over-regulation keeps prices high). Final verdict? God bless America's abundance of $4.99 "Walkmen" and $19.99 DVD players. We are truly, truly spoiled.

Low-End Needn't Equal Low-Qual I'm certainly not alone in noticing that the cheapest electronics can be surprisingly durable. We're conditioned to assume otherwise, of course, and the likes of Gizmodo are partly to blame: How often do blogs or magazines lay hands on a low-end demo unit? In the future, I'd like to see more Coby and jWIN products get a fair shake on CNet, etc. A cheapskate can dream, can't he?

Rip-Offs Abound The hazard of being a low-ender is that you can be mesmerized by price alone. But this is often to a consumer's detriment: take the case of layaway plans, which invariably end up being a far worse deal than even the most cynical cheapskates can imagine. And don't even think about cashing in your credit-card miles for some off-brand portable DVD player; the Man has the game fixed against you, natch.

Industry Rule #4,080#4,081 There's obviously a big crossover between music lovers and geeks—the same part of the brain that's responsible for obsessing over RAM must also play a role in appreciating organized sound. Good thing there's so many sweet deals out there for aspiring musicians who a) aren't yet ready to quit their IT day jobs, and b) barely have a nickel to their name. Tomorrow's Marc Bolans and Al Greens can record their songs for a song, rock some Danelectro guitar effects for a Jackson, or tickle the (fake) ivories on some choice Radio Shack keyboards.

ChipCorder vs. the Axis! Sorry, no real lesson or halfway clever observation in this column. Just wanted to namecheck it, 'cause it's one of my favorites—a meditation on whether the Allies would have won the war, had the Axis somehow built a time machine and gotten hold of a musical greeting-card chip.

And with that, Low End Theory shall go gently into that good night, raging against nothing save the high price of HDTVs. Thanks a million to everyone who commented, emailed, or simply read the columns. Y'all shall be in my heart every time I purchase a ludicrously cheap 4-gig USB drive from Newegg.com, or come across a $5 "Discman" displayed next to a package of irregular tube socks. Farewell, and keep it cheap.

STARTING JUNE 14th: The return of Hype Sheet!

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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I can definitely see the wisdom in having excised negotiation from most of our daily commerce. Imagine if every time you had to buy a roll of toilet paper from CVS, the cashier tried to highball you: "That'll be $3.99, sir...What? You don't want to pay that much? Okay, gimme two bucks...Wait, don't walk out that door—special price for you! A buck fifty!" Not only would our economy grind to a halt, but working retail would become one of the nation's most dangerous jobs—when haggling reaches an impasse, too many folks still see fit to resort to fists, guns and machetes.

On the other hand, when dealing with your (ahem) less formal retail operations, there's often some wiggle room built into their pricing. That's certainly true for many purveyors of low-end technology, of the sort that sell three-packs of tube socks alongside their cordless phones and faux Discmen. As a general rule of thumb, if a store's prices are noted only by Magic Markered signs, and they're blasting Ne-Yo onto the sidewalk through coffin-sized speakers, you can probably negotiate a slightly better deal for yourself. Just wield your geek knowledge like a club, and exploit your opponent's weaknesses. Four tips after the jump. PLUS: The keys to plus-five commenting?

Bamboozle With Wisdom Low-end salesman tend to be hilariously uninformed about specs; I'd wager that less than half can tell a bit from a byte, let alone explain the nuances of speaker wattage. Use this to your advantage—make it clear early on that you're not to be lied to. Bandy about the technical jargon, and make a point of dismissing their products as so-three-years-ago. Provided you're not dealing with a grump who'll simply toss you out of the store, your logorrheic ramblings should flummox the salesman to the point he gets his manager. And it's the manager who has the authority to cut on-the-spot deals. (Caveat: this technique works best with items in the clearance bin. It may also result in a physical altercation; not recommended with any salesman wearing a Stop Snitching T-shirt.)

Ask for the Stash Supply management isn't a strength of low-end stores. A lot of their goods have fallen off the proverbial truck, and they can have a hard time keeping up with the inflow (partly because they might track their stock in spiral-bound notebooks). As a result, there's often a backlog of superior merchandise languishing in the stockroom. So if you come across a last-gen product that's not quite up to your standards, ask if they have something better on hand; be specific about what you want, though, because there's a good chance the salesman won't know what constitutes "better." When he emerges with the superior product—say, a 256 MB MP3 player, as opposed to its 128MB predecssor—make a lowball offer. Since there's no set price for not-yet-displayed merch, there's a good chance you'll get what you want (or close to it).

Package Deals Turnover is the way low-end stores stay in business—they need to get rid of stuff fast, to make way for the next off-the-truck shipment. That opens up all sorts of opportunities for cheapskates to suggest package deals, along the lines of, "Throw in a four-pack of AAA batteries and a 900 MHz cordless phone, and I'll take this Coby radio off your hands." The more complicated you make the package, the more likely you are to save some loot; most fly-by-night stores don't spend much time calculating accurate break-even points. But this isn't easy on the customer's noggin', either—might be worth making a recon visit to the store ahead of time, then pricing out your package against an identical basket of goods on the Web. (Yes, I realize this sounds like a lot of effort to save a few bucks—please keep in mind that this column is called Low End Theory, not Time Savers.)

Take It Off the Floor Unlike big chains, which hold off on moving their floor models until they've sold through a product line, low-end retailers typically love selling demos. Odds are they were just going to end up giving them away to salesmen, anyway, or offering them to friends at ridiculously low prices. (Subhint: Befriend the manager of a low-end electronics store.) So offer to take that floor-model 13-inch Daewoo TV off their hands for half-price. They'll probably try and bargain you up a few bucks, but stick to your guns on this one. Maybe even engage in a little mendacity, by insisting that the warranty's been voided by virtue of the TV having been a demo unit. (As if you're really going to send in a $35 TV for repairs.)

More negotiation tips in comments, please. Just don't mention the one about trying to flatter the salesman—doesn't work, at least if you lack double Ds.

PLUS-FIVE COMMENTING: Let me abuse my position for a second here, and appeal to y'all for help. I'm working on an article about the keys to making much-admired comments at social-content sites. Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda, of Slashdot fame, has been kind enough to offer some feedback, as have some veteran commenters. (Boo to Digg, though—per their flack, they were too busy to send me a two-sentence e-mail reply.)

Now it's time for Gizmodo Nation to chime in: what's the secret to making a plus-five Slashdot comment, or an enthusiastically Dugg comment on Digg? Being first and being funny obviously matter, but there's gotta be something beyond that, right? Fittingly, leave any ideas in comments, happy in the knowledge that you shall be the recipient of my eternal gratitude.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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I'm by no means an audiophile, but I've never quite gotten the appeal of low-end iPod speakers. I mean, it's definitely a sign of mankind's genius that $8.99 can now buy you the means to pump audible music—cavemen would've no doubt killed for that sort of powersorcery. But the sound quality is invariably pretty abysmal, either annoyingly tinny or obscured under a soupy dither. Your typical cheapo iPod speaker system is really just one-and-a-half steps above the ChipCorder.

But I'm obviously in the minority here, because few low-end product categories have flourished like iPod speakers. I noted this $4.99 unit in last week's column, about the panoply of gadgets on display at Bed Bath & Beyond. But those speakers were only the iceberg's tip—the sector's current taxonomy is a wonder to behold, and a testament the creativity of low-end designers. If you thought the Lords of Guangdong Electronics were only good at knockoffs, you've got to reboot those brains of yours.

Granted, knockoffs is where the low-end product cycle tends to start. The model for a lot of the first-gen low-enders seems to have been the Logitech mm22, a rectangular speaker system I once reviewed for Wired (back when it's list price was a whopping $79.99). The Logitech's shape is a classic, in that it sorta resembles a conventional hi-fi system—speakers on the sides with visible woofers. The most popular knockoff seems to be the I.Sound Digipod-322, which can now be found for right around a tenner. (It also appears to be sold under the Airnet brand; perhaps a Shenzhen factory is playing all the angles?) The speakers don't swivel up, but the design concept is the same—lots of right angles, and everything more-or-less symmetrical.

But somewhere along the line, the low-end manufacturers realized that when you're playing in the $8-to-$12 range, it's often novelty that attracts buyers; it's not like us low-enders really expect one iPod speaker to vastly outperform another in terms of sound quality, right? So about 18 months ago or so, you began to see a flood of ingeniously shaped speakers, featuring lots of curves and fold-up schemes. This off-brand model, shaped like an apple, is new enough to boast of compatibility with the Zune, though I guess that's sort of like a dog dish boasting of being compatible with all breeds. And these folding speakers kick out a monstrous one watt per channel—skimpy, but what more do you expect for a measly $6.58?

Low-end designers have also felt the Nature's tug toward miniaturization, coming up with such thumbnail-sized options as the Nino Portable Dual Speaker (pictured up top) and, from column favorite Coby, the CS-MP3. These strike me more as emergency devices, rather than something you'd rely on to serenade a picnic. If you ever really, really need to clear up one of Ghostface's hotly disputed lyrics ("Is he saying 'jewels' or 'juice'?"), the CS-MP3 could sure come in handy; otherwise, not so much.

The final phase in the low-ending of iPod speakers has been feature creep—that is, design attempts to integrate speakers into multi-functional products. Exhibit A is certainly the AquaPod (pictured at right), which is half speaker, half water-resistant case. Even loopier is the Princess Speaker Pillow; please click through to the link, as my limited descriptive powers cannot possibly do this frou-frou product justice.

I wonder, though, if the end of the inventiveness is in sight. You know the market is saturated when a Florida department store is marketing these cool-looking speakers as "women's accessories" (perhaps because they so obviously resemble earrings). Part of the problem may be that the novelty is wearing off; consumers are less wowed by the simple fact they can finally pump their music to the masses, and are perhaps starting to notice how truly dreadful the sound is. And in the end, all the design hooks in the world can't obscure poor specs, even when the fat part of your market is composed of non-geeks.

There is, I believe, just one more milestone for the low-end iPod speakers market to reach, after which we can consign the entire sector to history's dustbin—or, more accurately, the same utter unsexiness now endured by the cellphone earpiece industry. I'm still waiting for someone to come up with the sub-$10 inflatable speaker system; the current price champ, this relative old-timer from Ellula, still goes for $12.95 at the lowest, and often closer to $20. Can somebody over in Shenzhen get on this, please? I'll totally owe you a Coke if you do.

WHAT NEXT FOR VONAGE?: Vonage seems to have escaped the noose for now, though I stand by my not-so-bold prediction that they're toast over the long run. My question is, If Vonage goes under rather than sells out, what's gonna happen to its 2.4 million customers (including your humble narrator)? Anyone out there with a tech-law background know what the procedure is when a critical service goes into receivership? I know the airlines keep flying, but I'll venture that Vonage ranks a few notches less important than Delta.

Most importantly, if Vonage does go under, does that mean the new owner (if there is one) will finally fix my freakin' caller ID? Because I'd really, really like it back.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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The Coby will go back to $30 after President's Day, so go for it. Be spontaneous when grabbing your prophylactics and 2-for-1 cashews.

Disposable DVD Player [dvd dossier]
Thanks tipster!

I'm in the middle of writing a book, an activity that requires a near ungodly level of concentration. Just my luck, then, that I live in a rollicking neighborhood where the day is routinely punctuated by sirens, barking pit bulls, and men accusing one another of welshing on debts. You try writing a lyrical, 1,500-word passage about the sinister beauty of the Indo-Burmese jungle while a St. Ides enthusiast hurls racial epithets at the mailman—not easy.

The solution, I recently decided, is a pair of noise-canceling headphones. Alas, I don't have the kung-fu required to build my own, nor the scratch necessary to buy a pair of Bose QuietComfort 2s or Sony MDR-NC50s. In fact, after recently blowing most of my disposable income on a post-victory bottle of Champagne, anything more than $40 is gonna hurt.

There are options out there that fit the budget, no doubt. But are the likes of the Philips HN110s (pictured at right) really any better than foam earplugs? Click forward, fearless reader, and share some thoughts. PLUS: The fakest-yet-most-alluring Sony knock-off you'll ever see.

To be honest, the high price of active noise-canceling headphones has always struck me as odd. In purely mechanical terms, the technology doesn't seem that complicated—the good folks over at CNet brilliantly summed up the mechanism here, in a single paragraph. The trick seems to be designing mics that can accurately detect, and then counteract, incoming signals, rather than just bathing your ears in indiscriminate sonic pudding. Let me state for the record here that I have no doubt the Bose engineers—er, "scientists," as they seem to prefer being called—have developed a superior system for the QuietComfort, though I'll never stop scoffing at the company's price-to-quality ratio. (I am, of course, hardly the only one to arrive at this grim conclusion.)

My hunch going into this was that, although the $100-and-up headphones would certainly perform better than the sub-$40 units, the latter group would perform adequately for the money. My criteria? All I asked for was that, when activated sans music, the 'phones would block out enough sonic pollution so that I could focus on work. A humble enough request, right?

I started off by trying out a pair of Coby CV191s at a local discount electronics shop. As the Newegg.com reviewers so bluntly put it, save your fifteen bucks; when the unit was switched on, it was like standing next to a mosquito zapper. Not sure how they designed these, but it sounded like they just took the innards of an antiquated Sharper Image wave machine and somehow squeezed them inside some really cheaply constructed headphones. So much for the dream of having change left over from my Jackson.

I went downtown to try out the Philips HN110s. Believe me, I wasn't expecting much after my Coby experience. But y'know what? They worked pretty well. High frequencies were definitely dulled, and after a few minutes of keeping them strapped to my head, I got in that noise-canceled zone where you feel slightly less manic than normal—exactly what I was looking for. The store I was doing the testing at had 'em priced northward of $50, but they can be had online for $15 less. As soon as I pay off my next credit-card bill, I'm going to order a pair. (Note to several previous correspondents who've taken issue with the ethics of my online shopping: No, I'm not going to buy the HN110s from WalMart.com.)

Now, I know what you're thinking. Yes, I realize they probably provide lousy sound quality for the money. And, yes, anytime you buy a curiously low-priced item, you're risking bad construction. But my priority here was noise cancellation, and as I've established before, I'm a gambler when it comes to low-end products. Considering that these are going for roughly 90 percent less than the QuietComfort 2s, it seems like a risk worth taking.

My only qualm isn't that I'm going too low-end, but rather that I might be getting ripped off. The CV191 debacle soured me on cheaper alternatives, but there's a good chance I'm missing out on an even greater bargain. The IceTech CD-788Vs, perchance? Tips in comments, or directly to your abbot of all things cheap.

THE KNOCKOFF TO END ALL KNOCKOFFS: Nothing makes my heart smile like a reader tip about a laughable knock-off. The latest? A "Sony" digital camera that also plays MP3s, MP4s, and WMA, and uses an SD memory card. The tipster says he's seen the gizmo (pictured at right) on sale in Brooklyn's Chinatown for $120.

I poked around the Internets and thought it looked most similar to this camera sold under the Digiboy brand. Could they both be from the same Guangdong factory? Did a middleman decide to emboss the scrunched-together Sony brand on the schwag?

Most importantly, has anyone else seen this digicam in their hometown? Extra karmic points if you've actually tried it out. Given the specs, it actually seems like a pretty good deal—though, obviously, I wouldn't think the warranty would be worth the paper it's printed on. (Thanks, Allan!)

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Product Page [ShopNBC]

I was all set to write this week's column about how digitized kitchen appliances have paved the way for a more techno-savvy America. (Suggested, admittedly lame-o hed: "The Wisdom of Microwaves".) But I chucked that idea out the window upon reading my latest Visa bill, and noticing my annual $39 rewards-program fee—The Man's yearly reminder that nothing in life is truly free, save for the ham-cube samples at my local C-Town.

Every twelve months, upon noticing that Visa has rendered me $39 poorer, I spend time perusing the rewards catalogue. Being the cheap bastard that I am, I have nowhere near enough points for those Continental vouchers, let alone the inflatable speedboat. But y'know what I can get for my piddling few thousand points? Lots and lots of low-end electronics. And though it's tempting to treat myself to a gadget on Visa, by way of my charging habits, I know deep down it's all a scam. There's gotta be a phalanx of actuaries who approve the rewards catalogue and assign all the points values, in order to stack the deck against Joe Q. Consumer. I mean, come on—16,000 points for an Initial DVD player (right) that goes for $129.99 at CVS?

Yes, I realize that I'm stunning none of y'all by revealing the Scroogeishness of credit-card companies. But I still think the way they mess with their customers' heads is worth expounding upon. The tricks of the reward-program trade, spun geekily, after the jump.

The Brand Tease The electronics rewards that cost the fewest points are invariably the low-end offerings from recognizable brand names—Sony is a particular favorite, especially its lineup of Discmen. My particular program offers this Sony PSYC MP3/ATRAC/CD player for 6,600 points. Anyone cashing in this relatively meager amount of points is profiled as an unsavvy consumer to start with, and so the rewards programs view them as easy marks for the classic "label" con—hook a consumer on inferior products branded with a recognizable name. If someone is really jonesing for a combo MP3/CD player, the smart move is to invest in a Coby or jWIN model, which offer ever bit the performance of a Sony in this space. (Um, except for the ATRAC compatibility, I guess, though this is a feature that 99.9999998 percent of the planet can live without.) Right off the bat, you'd save twenty bucks off the annual program fee—and that's assuming the person could rack up 6,600 points in a year.

Bottom of the Barrel When rewards programs buy their products in bulk, they obviously opt for the specials—particularly models that are about to be dinosaured, or those that have been remaindered due to poor sales. One of the most popular catalogue items is the 512 MB iPod Shuffle, which I believe Apple quit making almost as soon as it started. It can be yours for 10,000 points through my rewards program, and I'm sure it's a popular choice given the recognizable brand name (see above). The program's site definitely doesn't inform you that Apple is no longer supporting the player, which means that when the Shuffle's firmware invariably winks out, you're pretty much screwed. (Appeal to y'all: Has anyone tried getting their Shuffle reflashed at an Apple store? I'm curious.)

Clever Elisions Everyone and their dog wants to own an LCD TV nowadays, but they're generally out of reach for us low-enders. So when someone reads that they can cash in 13,000 points for a "Toshiba Flat-Panel Color TV", they just might start thinking that they're about to join the future to which they rightfully belong. There's even a bunch of hype-sheet jargon in catalogue description that makes you think that, yes, you're getting an LCD. ("Ah, the pleasures of state-of-the-art flat screen technology. Isn't it time for you to take advantage of great viewing from almost any angle and enjoy reduced glare for an all-around better viewing experience?") Except, um, you're just getting a slightly advanced tube model that Amazon is selling for $114.40. And, oh yeah, its diagonal measures a not-so-whopping 14-inches. Enjoy, sucker.

Make Research Impossible This is the part that really irks me: rewards programs don't cite specific model numbers, so you can't do any independent research on whether you're getting a quality gadget, or just something that fell off a truck outside a Visa calling center. (The latter being far more common than the former.) So an HP printer is advertised only as "Hewlett Packard All-in-One Color Printer", and a laughably outmoded Brother printer/scanner combo is breathlessly hyped as "Brother 5-in-1 Color Multi-function Center". (Tagline from the catalogue: "Space saver!") I still haven't figured out exactly which HP unit my credit card is peddling, but it's gotta be a rip-off given that its print resolution is cited as 4800 x 1200 dpi. A printer with those modest gifts goes for well under $150 at Newegg; at 25,000 points in my reward catalogue, that's gotta be the biggest rip-off out there.

My bottom line on rewards programs is this: if you truly feel an irresistible compulsion to spend your hard-earned points on electronics, don't go for any of the options. The wisest choice is to instead opt for one of the Best Buy or Circuit City gift cards that are catalogue staples, and sort through the bargain bins. A $50 Best Buy card costs 4,000 points in my program—several thousand points less than that Discman that can be had for $50 (or less at the local mall). Face it, the catalogue is just trying to tease you with all them pretty pictures of craptacular gear. Better to take the faux money, run, and think seriously about whether you want to keep on forking over $39 every year. Rewards programs may be great if you're putting your kid's college tuition on your Visa; much less so if your biggest purchase since 1999 was the the complete first season of She Spies.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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I've never been a big fan of touch sensitive buttons like these—it's just too damn easy to have problems occur. Other than that, seems like a pretty decent dap, and it looks sexy, to boot.

Product Page [Via dapreview]

Additionally, this PMP has a 40GB hard drive, integrated speakers and inputs and outputs for playback and direct recording. The rechargeable battery provides up to 7 hours of playback on a single charge, which is pretty damn good for a PMP of this magnitude. $330. – Travis Hudson

Product Page [Via Chip Chick]

Coby vs. jWIN: The Reckoning

The Coke and Pepsi of the low-end electronics universe, Coby and jWIN have become simply unavoidable as of late. Both have aggressively wheedled their way into myriad drugstores, discount warehouses, and shady depots that peddle both tube socks and faux Discmen. Lord knows that half the gadget shops in and around New York's Garment District would lose half their inventories should these two titans of cheap ever cease to exist.

So ubiquitous are these two skinflint faves that no one's bothered to ask the elephant-in-the-room question: Which one's better? Try as I might, I could find no head-to-head comparisons of equally spec'd Coby and jWIN products—tech journos, it seems, regard the brands in much the same way that Marie Antoinette regarded unkempt peasants. But Low End Theory feels no compunctions about dirtying its hands with cheap merchandise—heck, that's our whole reason for existing, is it not?

Therefore, after the jump, we're gonna offer up the scoop on three low-end deathmatches. Will it be Coby or jWIN that experiences the thrill of victory? Only those with the temerity to click the "MORE" link will know for sure.

As a quick prelude, let me head off potential objections from Coby and jWIN employees/fans by granting this: Both brands have been doing their darndest to make forays into pricier electronics. On the rare occasions that one of the companies' executives pops up in the trade press, it's usually to brag about the phat-yet-inexpensive LCD TVs they're rocking nowadays. And, hey, I can understand that—everyone wants to be seen as cutting edge rather than dowdy. But the fact remains that the low-end meccas of the world—starting with my beloved Gem Gem Gem Value Store on 125th Street—don't sell LCD TVs. They make their gadget cream off alarm clocks and cordless phones, and they sure do love them some Coby and jWIN.

Besides, this column is, and always will be, about products that us short-armed-but-deep-pocketed types can afford without feeling the pangs of buyer's remorse. So I kept the focus tight on gizmos that can be had for less than the price of a set of shock-inducing RC tanks. I feel your cheapness, yo:

Alarm Clocks I selected two projection clocks, the Coby CR-A78 versus the jWIN JL-705. The Coby certainly wins on price, selling for an average of $6 less than its opponent. The specs are almost identical, and the design is really a matter of taste—Coby's designers (okay, the dudes who work at their contract factory somewhere in Guangdong) seem to favor cleaner lines and less ornamentation, while jWIN is all about the blue and shiny metallic dials. It's a close call, but I'm going to hand this one to Coby, based mostly on the compactness of the projection unit—the jWIN clock is too eerily reminiscent of one of those droids who gets tortured on Jabba the Hutt's barge in Return of the Jedi. (Note: Please, no hate mail. Yes, I know that RotJ sucked, and that the Ewoks deserve a special place in Hell.)

MP3 Players A face-off between two 256 MB Flash players here—Coby's MP-C841 against the jWIN JX-MP130FM. The former unit can be had for a good $20 less if you snoop around online, but the jWIN clearly wins out on features this time around, starting with the addition of an FM tuner. The jWIN also has line-in recording and USB 2.0 compatibility; the Coby may have the latter, but the spec sheet sure doesn't mention it. Hands down a winner for jWIN, despite the steeper price tag. Even in the low-end realm, sometimes it's worth the extra scratch to ensure that you won't end up kicking yourself for being such a miserable miser.

Portable B&W TVs Ai'ight, the tiebreaker: the Coby CX-TV1 goes up against its nemesis, the jWIN JV-TV1010. The Coby averages about $5 cheaper to start, though you're also losing half-an-inch of screen size—let's call it a draw on that score, then. The specs are basically identical, right down to the three power-source options; heck, their web folks even used matching simulated pictures featuring fake football players. The controls, meanwhile, as so similar to make me suspect these TVs rolled off the same exact Far East assembly line. It comes down, then, to maneuverability, and the jWIN noses ahead in this regard. It appears to have the capacity for a little up-and-down swivel, and it's also got slightly more manageable dimensions—a godsend if you're taking this out on the lake. I'm thus gonna call this a point for jWIN, though the contest could scarcely be closer, and I admit that I wasn't able to get test units into the lab for hands-on experimentation. Anyone own both these TVs? If so, drop me a line and lemme know if I misjudged this.

So,when all's said and done, jWIN wins this one by the barest of margins. I think the basic rule of thumb is that Coby generally wins on price, but that jWIN's designers add just enough zazz to justify their products' higher costs. Then again, if I went back and looked at another three head-to-heads, I might come up with entirely different results. Of course, no one likes wishy-washy journalism of that nature, now, do they? I will, then, shout this decisively from the rooftops: jWIN is emperor of the low-end universe.

Let that be a challenge unto you, Coby. Not to mention Sungale, Anergé, or whoever else dreams of donning the championship belt and earning my everlasting love. You know you want it.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Headphones Redux: Banish Ye Cords

A few days before Yannick Noah's offspring and his Floridian chums waxed my mom's alma mater in the NCAA tourney, I conducted a little Final Four of my own, pitting some of the cheapest headphones that 125th Street has to offer against one another. Silly me, though, as I forgot to include a bracket for those wonders of jogging's 1980s heyday: cordless headphone radios. Immortalized in the roller-skating scene from Fletch—y'know, in that scene where he's disguised as a chrome-domed cheeba-squeezer—cordless headphone radios liberated an entire generation from the agony of Walkman tethers. They also weighed a freakin' ton on top of your noggin, and tended to get lousy reception.

So, how does an industry go about propping up a flawed product whose golden age has passed? By slashing prices, thereby turning the cordless headphone radio into a low-end product to love and savor. Tough to believe that my dad once refused to let me wear his set, contending that I'd mistreat them and cost him a minor fortune; I guess that was before you could scoop up a replacement for less than the cost of a Long John Silver's Value Basket Combo. After the jump, a rundown of what ultra-cheap AM/FM aficionados will be strapping to their skulls this summer. PLUS: Low End Theory offers some credit where credit is due.

Now, I will say this for manufacturers of cordless 'phone radios: they've definitely stepped it up in the design department, even as they've cut prices by upwards of 90 percent. The GPX HR2004SP (pictured above) is a case in point. There's nothing particularly impressive about the specs, which include such underwhelming features as "adjustable headband with rear safety strap" and "rotary volume and tuning controls." But there's something very Robotech-ish about the white-plastic sides, what with the orange racing stripe and all. You can totally see Lisa Hayes rocking these as she captains the SDF-2, calming her nerves with a little 2112 in the midst of a Zentraedi onslaught.

But I've got to question the sort of reception the GPX 'phones get. There's a noticeable absence of an external antenna, a staple of many of its competitors. Take this barebones unit from column favorite Coby, which features a rubberized antenna nearly long enough to double as a quarterstaff. The Coby CX-22 is no great looker, unless you were a fan of those clunky underwater cameras that Kodak put out in the 1980s. But at $4.36, beggars can't be choosers when it comes to aesthetic appeal. And, hey, the hype sheet touts "large comfortable earpads," to boot.

Prefer to splurge on your cordless headphone radio? Fascinated by the wanton violence and fetid smells associated with the Hell's Angels, Bandidos, and Mongols? Got a strong neck? Check out this branded Harley-Davidson set, which I believe is manufactured by licensing behemoth Polyconcept USA (which also brings the world such can't-live-without-'em products as the M&M Voice Activated Phone). The specs here are similar to those of the GPX, but with two distinct advantages: a fold-down rubberized antenna, and digital tuning. The actual components seem to be housed in casings built to withstand a high-speed t-boning of a Mack truck, however, so don't be forking over your $28.99 unless you've got healthy neck ligaments.

The common theme with all of the 'phones described above is their adherence to the traditional over-the-head approach. Leave it to Gear to Go, a sub-brand from cheap digicam vendor Sakar, to change the rules of the game with a wrap-around take on the tired formula. Tough not to love a company that understands the shape of the human head, and puts that knowledge to good use in crafting a comfy radio that costs less than $6. More power to these folks for realizing that even the cheapest scoundrels among us still appreciate some fine ergonomics. Hence a new Low End Theory maxim that I hope will soon become a mantra among the Cobys and jWins of the planet: Comfort is not just for the elite.

BELATED THANKS: In the course of slapping together this column on a weekly basis, sometimes I neglect to offer the appropriate praise to those who provide assistance. In response to a pair of firm-yet-polite e-mails regarding last week's column, I'm now gonna try and correct my credit-hogging ways.

First off, y'all should know that the roll-up piano image that headlined the column was pulled (sans permission) from Dan's Data. Dan alerted me to this fact with an e-mail slugged "Roll-Up Rip-Off," though his inclusion of a smiling emoticon at the end of his complaint makes me think he's actually an okay dude unlikely to beat me to a pulp. (Also, I'm pretty sure he's an Aussie, and they tend to be alright by and large.) Read his roll-up piano review here; he even cracks it open and takes a peek at the circuit boards.

Also, I snagged the photo of the zapper lady from here, where you can buy the bug-slaying racquet if you're so inclined (and have $8.99 to spare). SmartLabs honcho Isaac Sanz requested that I offer credit here, due to the fact that the zapper lady ("Jenny") worked pretty hard to keep her Pepsi from spilling while slaughtering insects. So noted, Isaac. So noted.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Cheap Headphones Final Four

In my forthcoming book Great Moments in Low-End History, to be published in 2019 by whoever's willing to pay me, the debut of JetBlue Airways is ranked way near the top. This has nothing to do with the airline's low, low fares, nor its brilliant, cost-cutting insistence on serving Terra Blue Potato Chips in lieu of warmed-over filet-o'-pigeon in glue sauce. No, it's because JetBlue gives away free headphones, and then doesn't ask for 'em back when the flight is over. They're throwing in a bit of consumer electronics and saying, "Here, you keep it—that's how much we like you, respect you, and value your every waking moment as a passenger on Spaceship Earth."

The not-so-hidden message in all this, of course, is that the JetBlue milestone represents the humble headphone's final slide into low-end paradise—they're now on a pricing par with those red-and-white mints you get at Red Lobster. I've seen bulk headphones selling for as little as 18 cents per unit, and I'm sure JetBlue gets an even better deal. Never again shall lack of money stop anyone from listening to their tunes privately. Amen.

Ah, but I know what you're thinking—you get what you pay for with those JetBlue headphones. Agreed—the sonic specs are abysmal. But how do they stack up against the lowest of low-end headphones you can find on my local retail strip? With $15 in my pocket and a mission in my heart, I endeavored to find out. The cheapo headphone tournament to end all tournaments after the jump, in which your humble narrator subjects his precious eardrums to some of the worst bass this side of Air Supply: The Definitive Collection.

The ground rules for this contest were pretty simple: purchase three sub-$5 headphones on or around Manhattan's 125th Street, then compare them to a JetBlue set I picked up on a recent trip to Buffalo. In the interests of fairness, as well as to create a tepid peg to March Madness, I decided to do two brackets: one for earbuds, the other for over-the-head models. Yes, I realize that having only four entrants in the tourney makes this format somewhat less-than-ideal. Keep in mind, though, that Gizmodo doesn't give me an expense account, and I suffer from Short Arms/Deep Pockets Syndrome (SADPS).

So here's what I was able to come up with on my little shopping spree:

JetBlue Headphones With which you may already be familiar—free and flimsy.

Coby CVH42 From one of our two favorite manufacturers of discount electronics (the other being jWin). An over-the-head unit with surprisingly chunky ear cups.

Maxell Eb-125 Skinny earbuds that are about as featureless as can be. The package did promise, however, that they are "ideal."

Panasonic RP-HV152 Earbuds with unusually large ear-canal bits (or whatever you call the part that actually sticks into your aural cavities).

In the JetBlue vs. Coby half of the bracket, the Coby won going away—like the Big East champ thumping the local Barbizon. Even when you factor in that the Coby 'phones cost me nearly $4, the sound quality and fit was just far superior to the JetBlue entrant, which lost points due to significant rattle and buzz in the left earpiece. The Cobys didn't have much response on either end of the register, but they were halfway comfortable, and you don't notice much distortion until you crank the volume beyond 8.

The earbuds bracket was a tougher call, if only because both the Maxell and Panasonic were so stunningly awful. Neither exhibited much bass, though I'll hand a slight edge to the Maxell on that score when you factor in price (it cost roughly $2 less than the Panasonic 'buds). But the fit on the Maxells was awful—they kept popping out of my ears when I made any maneuver that raised my overall speed above one mile per hour. Oh, yeah, and the treble on the Maxells made every piece of music sound like it was being played through a treehouse phone made of tin cans.

So, onward to the final showdown. Fortified by three Yuenglings, I sat down with my second-gen iPod and pressed play on my test playlist—Mac Dre interspersed with Lightning Bolt. I listened intently, I moved about, I shook my head side-to-side. And at the end of the playlist, the winner was clear: the Coby CVH42, again in a landslide. Sure, there's some personal taste involved here, as I'm cursed with slightly misshaped ears. But the Panasonics were just too weak on the bass, and too tricky to wedge into my canals properly.

Now, don't get me wrong: I'm not advocating that y'all go out and invest in the Coby 'phones—if you're even a little bit of an audiophile, they'll make you blanch. But if you're headphoneless, broke, and really, really enthused about zoning out to music on the crosstown bus, I can honestly say you're better off with the Cobys than an even cheaper alternative. The Maxells are useful only for tying together bundles of recyclable cardboard, and the Panasonics not far off. As for those JetBlue cans, well, they're useful for one thing, and one thing alone: handing off to your budding geek of a 5-year-old nephew, who can crack open the earpieces and explore how headphones work. In other words, what JetBlue has given us is not so much a free audio device, but rather a free opportunity to introduce your young'uns to the fun of reverse engineering.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Gadgetry for Up North

Thanks to the booming prison-industrial complex, odds are you're no more than one or two degrees removed from someone who has spent, is spending, or will spend time behind bars. Lord knows that your humble narrator certainly fits into the one-degree category, due to one close relation's fondness for driving while intoxicated, and another's inability to refrain from laundering money.

There are various ways one can assist an incarcerated pal or family member, from paying morale-boosting visits to (to tastefully paraphrase the criminally underappreciated MC Royal Flush) smuggling in balloons stuffed with contraband. But if your fallen-on-hard-times associate is a gearhead, odds are he or she will be pining for a bit of electronic comfort in lieu of Marlboro Reds. Fortunately for such folks, the Bust the Move catalogue provides a galaxy of gadgets—all of 'em delightfully low-end—that are allowed inside the Beast. After the jump, the rundown on what you can send your imprisoned associate without fear of ending up in state (or federal) custody yourself.

The first thing I noticed about Bust the Move's assortment of products was the absence of anything that can play CDs (to say nothing of DVDs). Makes sense when you think about it, though, as a digital disc might somehow be fashioned into a weapon—those edges can be mighty sharp, as I'm sure some of you have discovered the hard way while trying to drunkenly swap albums. So the catalogue is heavy on alternative media, particularly radios and cassette players.

The most powerful AM/FM unit on offer is an understated Panasonic (pictured above), which features a lone three-inch "dynamic speaker." To its great credit, Bust the Move doesn t try to sugarcoat the specs, noting only that the radio can be tuned with a "slide-rule" dial, and that there's an earphone jack to boot. As with all of the catalogue's non-portable radios, the buyer can request that the external antenna be removed—some prisons have apparently gotten hip to the fact that a long, metal, pointy thing can be made into a workable shiv.

I was particularly intrigued by the listings for two products sold under the Pakcell brand name, one with which I must confess I'm totally unfamiliar. Pakcell seems to specialize in clear-plastic casings, which are tailor-made for environments in which a controlling authority wants to make sure there's no lump of black-tar heroin in your battery case. The top-of-the-line Pakcell in the catalogue is the CB3337C, a $38.95 boombox that features both an AM/FM tuner and a cassette deck. I tried Googling around for further info on the Pakcell boombox, but came up with close to naught. Anyone know from whence this brand came, and what other gadgetry treats they may be serving up? Let me know.

Of course, our good friends at Coby are well-represented in Bust the Move's pages. The company's relatively high-end CX-49 is on sale for $10.50—a little more expensive than what you'll find at your local discount shop, but then again, Valuemart doesn't deliver to the Otisville Correctional Facility. A little price premium is understandable, and definitely worth it to provide your loved one with such features as auto stop and a built-in three-volt DC jack. Just remember to also put some money in said loved one's prison account, as the required AA batteries are definitely not included.

Lastly, the minds behind Bust the Move have found yet another market for the humble typewrite, a hunk of still-standing machinery which I covered in this space last week. In that column, I noted that typewriters will still be manufactured as long as certain niche markets existed, especially in the Third World and at form-intensive businesses (such as banks, for example). Well, until you're allowed to have a PC in your cell, typewriters will also be made to service the inmate population. The lowest of the low-end typewriters carried by Bust the Move is the Smith Corona Wordsmith 100, a relative steal at $106. The recipient will have to make do without an LCD display, but that's a small price to pay for the ability to pound out letters, diaries, and jailhouse appeals.

Bust the Move also includes a full page of low-end headphones, including some real beauts in the $3 to $8 range. But I'll refrain from turning loquacious on the topic right now, as my next column will be all about cheapo headphones and those of us who love them. If you have a nomination for a sub-$8 headphone worth highlighting in this space, drop a line ASAP and I'll consider including in my somewhat definitive paean to these sonic middlemen.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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The Coby V-ZON portable DVD player was made, as you can see, basically for kids. With just a 3.5-inch LCD and shockproof technology that plays DVDs, CDs and MP3, it's easy to tote, simple to use and comes with a rechargeable battery that will last 6 hours for music and 2.5 hours for movies. Nothing great, but OK. Now, it looks like the V-ZON will also come with 12 Sega games built in (see package details). That'll keep 'em busy for sure.

COBY, portable DVD player with SEGA games built-inside [AVING]

Pricing for Coby portable DVD players [Amazon]

Words' Worth

There's a fantastic scene in the criminally underrated John Carpenter flick They Live, in which the character played by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper first dons the Ray-Bans that enable him to see Earth's alien invaders. The aliens looks just like you and me sans sunglasses, but like horrible freaks when the truth is revealed. Peering at an alien disguised as a woman of a certain age, Piper laughs as she applies a spot of makeup to her face. "That's like putting perfume on a pig," he mutters in disgust.

So, too, is gussying up junky low-end products with phrases that hint at space-age technology. You know what I'm talking about—gadgets you picked up for $4.99 at the local t-shirts-plus-the-kitchen-sink store, and which promise such laughably hyperbolic specs as Coby's "Digital Bass Boost System." Obviously, they want to make it sound as if your portable CD player's assembly was overseen by a team of labcoated engineers, rather than a factory owner with mustard stains all over his too-tight Arrow shirt.

After the jump, some of Low End Theory's favorite spec-sheet come-ons. PLUS: Last-minute gift ideas for the broke and miserly!

Up until now, this column has been woefully bereft of cordless phone coverage. That ends here, joyfully, with a shout-out to Uniden and its "RocketDial" feature. I first noticed RocketDial while perusing the locked glass cases at Gem Gem Gem, my beloved 125th Street value supercenter. They've got so many cheap electronics back there by the registers, I could just go in there with my digicam every week, snap a few photos, and be done with this column. If, that is, the Gem Gem Gem manager didn't look like the sort of dude prone to kicking shutterbug ass.

RocketDial sounds pretty fantastic—like something that enables you to call 50 people at once. But the reality's pretty disappointing; all RocketDial does is let you program in one (yes, one) number for one-touch dialing. Sort of like the lonely man's speed dial. But kudos to Uniden for creating the nifty logo, a Flash Gordon-style rocket blasting off into the cosmos, as well as for wisely trademarking the RocketDial name.

Low-end audio products seem to be a particularly hot market for spec-sheet euphemisms—the industry has about 1,001 ways of saying, "Yes, our bass is terrible, but we're gonna try and trick you into thinking otherwise." My personal favorite is the plethora of products boasting about "Turbo Bass" technology (sometimes oddly hyphenated as "Turbo-Bass"), which as far as I can tell means nothing. (Though I'd be interested in hearing otherwise from qualified audiophiles; drop a line.) Take, for example, the HS-410 earbud headphones from Philips. Obviously, no one shelling out under $10 for headphones expects much beyond mere audio transmission. But, hey, you get Turbo Bass with these puppies—and a Radio Shack-quality "24k gold-plated plug" to boot. Melt it down and make a profit.

The ultimate perennial in all things low-end, though, is using an extra "x" somewhere—I reckon to imply extreme technological progress. This is a phenomenon in the "normal" gadget realm, too, as with MaxxBass. But you see it a lot in the Gem Gem Gems of the world, too, in Panasonic cassette players featuring XBS (the Extra Bass System). Do a Froogle search for "Maxx" and you'll come up with dozens more, like the $20, 25-in-1 VS-Maxx video game system with "deluxe controller." Just, um, be careful about Froogling "Maxx" in the workplace; it's also a very popular screen name for porn stars.

When I encounter spec-sheet euphemisms like these, I always wonder who comes up with 'em. Do the Cobys and jWins of the world have frustrated English majors on staff to handle all their package-copy needs? Do we really have a Pavlovian response to the letter X, judging it to be somehow indicative of superior tech? And, of course, what great phrases did I miss during my cursory research? Answers to any of these questions should be dropped here forthwith.

THE JOY OF GIVING: All right, just a few days left for y'all to pick up something nice for your beloved(s). Two weeks ago, after I covered some low-end ideas for the holidays, I spurred a few readers to offer ideas of their own. One of the best was the Rocket Robot Kit from OWI, a steal at $24.95 (especially with "no soldering required").

Oh, $24.95 still sounds steep to make the robot-lover in your life a wee bit happier? Then simply set aside $9.99 for Sector7 Mighty Mike, which (per hype sheet) "walks, dances, and slides." It also shoots foam discs; alas, these are not included. But if it can shoot foam discs, perhaps it can shoot pennies, too. Just don't blame Low End Theory when members of your family end up with ugly, Lincoln-embossed welts on their bodies.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both the New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Have Yourself a Coby Little Christmas

Sorry to bum you right the heck out, but it's time to start your holiday shopping. Remember how you vowed last year that you'd never, ever wait until the last second again, in order to avoid those ghastly lines at Williams-Sonoma? (A pox upon your aunt for wanting that hard-to-get electric egg cooker, by the way.) Well, now's the time to make good on that promise, and start stockpiling gifts for mom, dad, the spouse, and your Secret Santa over in the IT department.

It's that last, least important entry on your holiday list that I want to tackle in this week's column. I'm sure Mr. Highwater Pants would love a copy of The Matrix: Path of Neo, but let's be realistic here: you want to keep things well under $25, and spend the savings on mulled wine. So, in the spirit of prudent savings, I give you the first annual Low End Theory Gift Guide (LETGG). After the jump, great ideas for the almost-stranger in your life—or maybe for an in-law you don't really like all that much.

First off, some LETGG ground rules: No accessories, no carry cases, and nothing used. No matter how much you don't get along with your brother-in-law, it's still sorta gauche to stuff a 12V power adapter in his stocking. Thus, you won't be finding any mention of binocular harnesses in this year's LETGG.

What will you find, then, dear reader? Good stuff, good stuff. Onward:

Baseball Message Camera What better way to encourage the little slugger in your life than with a 35mm photograph emblazoned with the phrase "You're a Winner"? True, $22.23 isn't crazy cheap for a disposable camera from Sam's Club. But the cheesiness factor on this is hard to resist. Weirdest feature: one of the eight messages is "Fly Ball."

GPX 5-inch B&W TV At $21.85, this boxy unit isn't a half-bad deal. As the hype sheet notes, it's got a headphone jack (which my $79 Apex 13-incher lacks) as well as A/V inputs (just in case you wanna hook up your Betamax). But if you want to make this into a truly portable TV, you're gonna have to invest in the optional cigarette lighter adapter, or shell out for ten C batteries.

Portable USB Computer Lamp Ha! And I bet you thought the Discovery Channel's only goal was to provide you with quality predator/prey documentaries. But they're also in the game of selling "ultra-bright, white LED lights" that are both USB 1.1 and 2.0 compatible. Not bad for $14.95, but is it really over 2.2 pounds? Get it under 1.5, and we'll talk.

Coby CX-CD241RED Portable CD Player What would the holidays be without some sort of sub-$20, CD-playing device from Low End Theory favorite Coby Electronics? Not a season I'd want any part in, that's for damn sure. Coby gets some props for actually molding a semi-attractive player, vaguely reminiscent of an insect's head. (See, the speakers are like the eyes, the track change buttons like the nose. Get it, or does this E&J got my mind flipping?) Still, could someone please parse out what "wide range speaker system" means? Thanks.

Westclox 1939 Big Ben Clock Radio Longtime readers of this space will know that I have an unhealthy obsession with our friend, the clock radio. This $16.25 unit is sleek and features "front facing speakers," so you know it's all about the quality at Westclox. But, um, why doesn't this thing look at all like Big Ben? Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Of course, there's still plenty of shopping days left, and that means a couple more pre-holiday Low End Theories to come. Know a great low-end gadget that should wind up in a not-so-close friend's stocking? You know what to do.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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It's not exactly Sony, but if you're looking for something portable, here's Coby's recent offerings. The TF-DVD7050 is a tablet-style portable DVD with a nifty little 7-inch screen. Comes with a headrest mounting bag, headphones, car adapter, rechargeable battery, a retractable stand for desktop viewing and a remote control ($149.99). The TF-DVD500 is really, REALLY small, with only a 3.5-inch screen. Basically the size of a portable CD player, this portable DVD player comes with an adjustable stand, remote control, slim rechargeable battery pack, headphones and carrying case ($119.99). Then there's the MP-C741 MP3 player with 256MB flash memory (upgradeable to 512MB) with FM tuner and LCD screen. Only $59.99. And finally the MP-C543, the teeny-tiny MP3 player measuring 2.2"x 2.87"x 0.82" comes with an LCD, digital voice recorder, sports armband and earphones that double as a neck strap. Upgradeable to 256MB and runs for $54.99.

V CAST? We Don't Need No Stinkin' V CAST!

You know those folks who drive around in Vanagons with bumper stickers that read "Kill Your Television"? Well, with the way things are going at present, they can't be too happy. The proliferation of in-seat screens for automobiles was bad enough. Now with the way broadband video's progressing, it shouldn't be too long before every Nextel subscriber in the world can watch Walker, Texas Ranger reruns whenever they darn well please.

The anti-TV crowd can take temporary heart, though, in the fact that a) cellphone video's still in its infancy, so customers must make do with Shakira videos and AccuWeather forecasts at present, and b) the prices will be mad steep for the foreseeable future. Sorry, Chuck Norris, but don't expect another royalties stream until 2011 or so.

In the meantime, us poor-yet-mobile TV fans will have to settle for clunkier gadgets. A Sony Watchman? Nah, chews up batteries like a fat guy at a buffet, plus the picture gets all hinky when viewed from different angles. A better and cheaper option is one of my favorite low-end gadgets in recent memory: the TV boombox. After the jump, three units that'll save you from the ignominy of missing Judge Joe Brown. PLUS: Where my Eastern Europeans at?

As longtime readers are already aware, Low End Theory is all about looking for gadgets in the places you'd least expect. For this week's column, I journeyed down to New York's fabled East Village, ostensibly to grab a bowl of ramen at the highly recommended Minca. (Tip: ask for extra pork and hot sauce.) But there was an ulterior motive that I didn't reveal to my girlfriend: I also wanted to stop by the East Village Pharmacy, a primo junk shop that has the hookup on cheap electronics.

They seem especially hooked into Coby Electronics, a company best known for its cheap, portable DVD players, like the TF-DVD500. Of course, Gizmodo has previously inveighed against going too low-end on DVD players, so caveat emptor.

Coby's been trying to position itself as a budget supplier of LCDs, but that's not Low End Theory's purview; we're still all about the cathode-ray tubes, man. And the EV Pharmacy had just the product to make us squeal with unfettered delight: the Coby CD-TV152, aka "the TV boombox" (picture at the column's top). Five-inch black-and-white screen? Check. UHF capability? Check. Molded plastic handle? Check! "Rotary volume control" (i.e. a volume knob)? Oh, baby, check! Check! Check!

All of this for $34.99, plus a top-loading CD player to boot. Still not sold? The spec sheet also mentions a "Quick Start Picture Tube." Because, y'know, if there's one thing that I always complain about, it's my TV taking too long to warm up.

If the Coby unit isn't quite your style, for reasons I can't possibly fathom, there's another worthwhile option that I stumbled across: the VocoStar Orange-300 Carry-oke Boombox. It'll run you a few clams more—the best online price I could find was $99 from dynadirect.com—but there are some nice bonuses. Like the dual microphone inputs, in case you want to belt out "Close to You" with your sweetheart. And a remote control, so you needn't bother with a rotary volume knob. (Note to all budding product designers: Isn't it time we bid the rotary knob farewell, once and for all? Take a cue from your mates in the phone design world.)

At this point, you may be griping: "$34.99 for a black-and-white TV? What am I, made of money?" If you're really seeking a portable TV bargain, and can do without the karaoke or CD features, then jWin has your back with the aptly dubbed JV-TV1010. It's as plain as its binary-code name suggests, though there is an AM/FM tuner described as "sensitive." Just like Chuck Norris in Walker-mode, as he offers a meaty, calloused hand to a child in need of help...

POST-SOVIET ELECTRONICS SCENE: Y'know, I'm getting a little tired of flipping over every low-end gadget I come across and seeing a "Made in China" sticker. Okay, there are a few "Made in Taiwans" around too, and some "Made in Koreas." But what about the rest of the world? Where is Poland? To flip the president's infamous words from last year's presidential debate, did Poland forget about us? Or Bulgaria, for that matter? [My wife says Poland is Central Europe. You should be shouting out to the Ukraine and Moldova - Ed]

So, dear readers, I'm asking for a little help here: can anyone point me in the direction of a low-end brand that manufactures behind the former Iron Curtain? Much good karma, and a paean in this space, to anyone who can point us in the right direction. Drop some Slavic knowledge to brendan@gizmodo.com.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.