Here are a few choice excerpts from Regretsy (NSFW); just a taste, mind you, no substitute for a visit. Be careful, though, because the amazing site is not always safe for work. Looking over the entries makes me wish it were as fictitious as Kasper Hauser's brilliant—but mercifully fake—SkyMaul.

Regarding the lovely lady and her cheese-grater clock, Regretsy says: Oh sure, it's not perfect, but you try cleaning a cheese grater with a cigarette.

Regretsy says: Whenever I hear "Michael Jackson", I immediately think "baseball". Well technically, I think "Little League", but you know what I'm saying. [Link]

Regretsy says: Usually I just use the guest towels when we're out of toilet paper. [Link]

Regretsy says: You know what goats like? They like grass. They don't like having leopard outfits strapped to their sagging haunches like Kim Cattrall. [Link]

Regretsy says: Santo trompas de Falopio! Who wouldn't want to curl up with the stuffed reproductive organs of Mexico's most famous bisexual surrealist? [Link]

It goes without saying "Santo trompas de Falopio!" is my new favorite expression of surprise. Hit the site for way more where this came from. [Regretsy (NSFW)]

The Nuvifone G60 GPS phone is out this week for $300, an absurdly high price for even a smartphone in this age. But the Nuvifone is not a smartphone, not even a clever one.

What's Bad

• The resistive touchscreen reminds me of phones circa 2006, bad for everything but big-button tapping.

• There's no homescreen button, to quickly take you out of a mire of menus.

• It's crashy—screens froze twice while I was writing this, forcing a full-on hard restart.

• Sometimes the accelerometer just stops working completely.

• The camera is terrible—if the hardware button required for the shutter even works—and there's no video of any kind.

• The web browser is all but useless, because it relies heavily on zooming in and out, and the touchscreen easily confuses swiping and tapping.

• The interface looks cool at first, but there are strange design choices throughout. Want an example? The QWERTY keyboard only appears in horizontal mode—it's ABCDE in vertical mode. Also, no "Where To?" button, a la older Nuvi devices.

• You have to pay a $5/month premium charge to check the weather, traffic, local events and other services—all of which can be found on free apps from real smartphone platforms (not just iPhone).

• Even when using email (let alone calendar), there doesn't seem to be any awareness of the rest of the internet: The email wizard lets you enter any address and password, but it doesn't say whether it can actually get mail. This tenacious little phone is still trying to log onto my Hotmail account.

• The battery ran down completely during my first day of testing, after a few phone calls and some modest GPS navigation, and the battery indicator drops fast when it's just on standby. In fairness, you shouldn't use this phone or any other phone without a car charger, if you intend to use it for GPS navigation.

• There is no car charger. It's missing the $7 USB-to-cig-lighter adapter. AT&T probably wanted to sell it separately, but when I asked at my local AT&T store, they didn't even carry it.

• Since it's an AT&T phone, it has to compete with the iPhone and other handsets that are way better. If the Nuvifone were on Verizon, it would at least have a network advantage in certain markets that it could lord over the iPhone herd. But even Apple haters would have a hard time spending an extra $100 on this—with the exact same phone reception.

The Verdict

Unlike most reviews, this verdict isn't for you. If you made it to the end of the headline, you already know what to do. But because I care, I thought I'd say something to the makers:

Garmin: Please get your act together in the phone space. You have two choices: Either make tidy useful navigation apps for the major platforms, or make real phones. There's no such thing as a PND that also makes phone calls (though I think that was the original plan for the G60).

You are great in your field, but even teamed with Asus, you aren't better than the lowliest phone maker, so you have to play catchup: Pick a mobile OS and stick with it. Skip Windows Mobile (for now) and make a serious push into Android. To do that, you'll have to see what everyone else is doing. Don't just set yourself up to lose in the end to an HTC running a TeleNav or TomTom app. You're good at making tough hardware, so why not differentiate with a rugged outdoor Android smartphone?

I urge you to re-consider your premature departure from the mobile app business. Garmin brand equity would sell a lot of iPhone apps, especially if they came with the Nuvi interface most people love more than TomTom's or Navigon's. It may bruise the ego a bit to focus on software instead of hardware, but I just don't see how successful you can be by doing what everyone else is doing, only later and worse. I didn't mean to be this harsh, but I also didn't expect the G60 to be so bad.

In Brief

The home screen is cool for a dumbphone, with three major buttons and a slider of auxiliary options

The navigational experience I have enjoyed on regular Nuvis is here, almost completely intact, but since you can already get that without buying this phone, it's not a major plus

See above—like, every single word of this piece

Leading us to believe that she has never used a Mac OS or Vista computer, which have sticky widgets baked in, her half a million dollar idea is to create "a sticky pad for sticky notes." Yes, the invention is a $10 board that attaches to the side of a laptop screen to hold Post-its in one central area.

In convincing the hosts to give her $100K for a 20 percent investment in her company, she evidences the fact that 56 million laptops will be sold in the U.S. this year alone. Ah yes, now it makes so much more sense. Someone please tell her each of those laptops are capable of downloading Post-it's very own software. [ABC's Shark Tank]

Seriously. Why? [Casetation 2 at Flickr - Thanks (?), Akshay]

If you seriously can't stop salivating over this thing, it's $20 at FredFlare. [FredFlare via technabob]

Seriously, I think I saw this thing in the Penny's catalog back when I was growing up in the 90's, and I know I saw it in Quantum Leap somewhere. And it's heavy too with the .1-lb. weight drooping more than a few ears to the floor with its massive, eye sore bulk.

At least it's only $20 now with free shipping. Get it for someone you hate today! [Gear Diary]

Even the packaging, by design, screams "EAT ME!" And, also just like the candy, these buds come in multiple colors for maximum toddler confusion: Red, pink, blue, orange, and white.

At $10, they're pretty cheap, which is good because ER visits aren't. Available "soon," possibly in the candy aisle or next to Maxell's other new product, the Pencil Scalpel.

Update@8:33 p.m. EST: Regarding the packaging. Approximately 14% of Americans are illiterate. [Coolest Gadgets]

Enticing marketing copy seals the deal:

Nothing lifts the spirits like a good yodel, but most of us don’t have the skill to yodel on cue. That’s where the Emergency Yodel Button comes in. Keep this 4″ x 3″ x 5/8″ plastic device with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodel.

That's certainly correct. I neither have the ability, nor the desire, to emit a skilled yodel on cue. Costs $12.50 and your dignity. FYI: Goes well with this. [Archie McPhee via Red Ferret]

Get them while they last when they arrive in January for about $130. [B4Tech]

Yes, it is clear that the threshold of practicality here has been violated. [TechEBlog via BBG]

Oh. It's a stuck-on picture. Jobso must be quaking in his boots. The radio comes with earphones and a handy carrying strap, just so you don't drop it on the sidewalk and see its guts (which are probably made of cardboard) spill out. Still, Stephen's psyched, because the thing works quite well.
[Kung-Fu Rodeo—thanks, Flavio]

The working prototype here is very rough. It's missing animations between picture swipes and lacks truly natural menu swiping. It also doesn't support multitouch here, but that's a matter of hardware—and this is early software, so we should be not too harsh on Symbian for updating their great OS to keep up with the Joneses. But we can conclude one thing from this demo: Despite doing a good job of building a touch UI on S60 without alienating current users, Symbian is far behind Apple in UI development, by months, if not years.

The ad was created by advertising agency DDB in Sydney, all after the State Traffic Commander, Chief Superintendent John Hartley said:

"The NSW police would look at the New York senator's proposal and the impact it may have in twelve months' time," as reported in an article entitled "Alert Sounded on iPod Use" by Asher Moses on February 7, 2007 in The Sydney Morning Herald. Superintendent Hartley went on in that same article to say; "You can't legislate stupidity - if people are stupid enough to do something that's so distracting they can't see cars coming, that's a problem they need to deal with."

Sounds reasonable enough, but apparently the problem started to get really serious (yes, a lot of stupid people in the world, it seems) and the authorities decided to warn all those crazy crazy personal media player junkies. To probably be ignored shortly thereafter. [iPhone Savior]

The Catch: Sarah Meyers!

The Verdict...

I sleep on the couch for the three months following CES. Don't worry honey, you know I'd never propose to an internet celebrity with such a tacky, tacky product.

Perhaps the most feature-free MP3 player we've ever seen, it has a mere 2 buttons and no screen on it. But hey, it holds a Taser! I'd like to see an iPod actually prevent you from being mugged instead of the other way around. Oh, and it also unveiled leopard print and pink Tasers, just in case you want to look fashionable before taking someone who's political beliefs you disagree with down to the pavement.

DXG-566V HD Features:
Camcorder Features:
Records full-motion video in high-definition
D1 Resolution: 720 x 480, at 30fps
HD Resolution: 1280 x 720, at 30fps
Records video in H.264, MOV file format
2X Digital Zoom
3.0" TFT Screen

Digital Camera Features:
5 Megapixel CMOS sensor
Captures still images in JPEG format
Up to 8 Megapixel image resolution

Mass Storage Features:
32MB onboard memory
SD Card slot to accept high-capacity or standard SD cards
Connect to your PC to store and transfer data files
USB2.0 Interface for fast transfer of files