Gizmodo: darth drunk

Crutch Vader Avoids Jail, Dark Side Wins Again

Jesus Diaz — Tue, 13 May 2008 10:13:00 EDT

District Judge Andrew Straw has given Crutch Vader a "suspended 12 months" jail sentence plus an order to pay $500 to the "victims"—two ~~morons~~ members of the Jedi Church of England—and their lawyer. This means that Sir Lord Vader Von Drunk—real name Arwel Wynn Hughes—will avoid jail. Quite frankly, after seeing the video of his innocuous attack, I can't believe the judge actually considered putting this guy in jail. [BBC News]

Darth Vader Given Arrest Warrant, Pleads Guilty to Assault

Jesus Diaz — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 12:00:00 EDT

After Darth Vader kicked a Jedi Master's ass with the Dark Side of the Crutch, District Judge Andrew Shaw issued an arrest warrant against the Lord of the Sith. After dictating it, he added: "I hope the force will soon be with him" (really—God save the Judge, Queen, and English humor.) Vader arrived later, pleading guilty to assault. During the trial, however, the court found that the events weren't exactly as we were initially told: the Jedis were actually even more moronic than previously imagined.

To start with, dork n mero uno—hairdresser Barney Jones—wasn't being interviewed for a documentary on the first Jedi Church of England. He was filming himself, "fighting" with "lightsabers" in the garden, probably while being watched by Yoda, Mace Windu, Obi Wan, and the rest of their imaginary pals, who actually were the only ones with actual girlfriends in the backyard at the time.

Vader, whose real name is not Anakin Skywalker but Arwel Wynne Hughes, pleaded guilty, saying in his defense that he had a "chronic alcohol problem" and he didn't remember anything at all. According to the two Joneses, however, Hughes jumped in the gardent shouting "DARTH VADER," wielding a metal crutch, wearing a helmet, a black bin bag, a cape, and with a lot of wine in his stomach. Laughing—presumably hysterically, like anyone would do after consuming "the best part of a 10-litre box of wine"—he proceeded to bang Barney Jones on the head, before smacking the thigh of family nerd cousin, Michael Jones.

With almost a box of wine in his body, Vader didn't remember a single thing, but his defense attorney said alcohol was "ruining his life." On the other side, the prosecution added that the two cousins "believe very strongly in the church and their religion."

We can only hope the judge will set Vader free and put those two in jail. [BBC News]

NEVER GETS OLD. I say.

Darth Vader Kicks Jedi Master's Ass With Crutch

Jesus Diaz — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 18:30:04 EDT

A drunk guy dressed as Darth Vader, wielding a metal crutch, and probably making sounds like *swwoooshh* and *pew*pew*, assaulted and effectively kicked the ass of the founder of the first Jedi Church of England. The dork, a hairdresser called Barney Jones whose Jedi name is Master Hehol, was beaten down in his garden by the anonymous Vader while he was being interviewed for a documentary. Really. We mean this. The Jedi actually had this to say after the assault:

This wasn't a joke. This was serious.

No, crimper Master Hehol, this is not serious. This is just sad. Reportedly, the drunk Vader was neither a Gizmodo editor nor Eddie Izzard:

Again you ask? YES! [Daily Telegraph]

Note: for some reason, I first read wrench and did this image:

And then I got hungry, and had to do this one: