As the story goes, the television in the ward mysteriously turned off when the patient turned over in bed, shortly before x-rays revealed that his friends had crammed a remote up his butt while he was passed out.

"We didn't know what it was to start with. There was a little bit of blood but he didn't say anything about a remote control. We couldn't quite believe it when we saw the X-ray," said medic Dr Wei Lung Zhi.

"He will be fine in time but the remote was a write off," he added.

Yeah, that whole thing with the remote inside his bowels turning the TV off seems pretty suspect, but the message here is very real. Don't pass out around your asshole friends. As an added layer of security, I have a shirt you might be interested in. Or at least you would be interested in it if it were still being produced. [Mirror via Fark and Shirt via T-Shirt Hell]

The story goes that "Bill" just came back from a drink, in the middle of the day no less, in order to get over the fact that his best friend was killed in a boating accident. After being dropped off by a taxi at his mother's house, he passed out on the lawn (and kinda on the curb), ripe for Google's StreetView car. The image has since been blotted out from Google Maps, but This Is London got a screenshot before. Sorry "Bill", or should I say, Luke from Kotaku! [Daily Mail]

According to Hirabayahsi, he "came up with that idea while drinking. The aliens probably won't understand that (kanpai and toast) part." We can only hope that whoever is looking for life at their radio telescope up there won't be drunk as well, if only to ensure good inter-planetary relations from the start. Example:

Obviously, this means: "Dear People of Altair, We are organisms who reproduce sexually to form families. Life on Earth started in the water." Kind of scary, but better than the alternative—after five whiskies: "Hey alien dudes, here on Earth we are all nudist. Some of us are giants with big tits. Others are giants with tiny penises. Fishes like to suntan on the beach. Turn the page to see us drunk. Kanpai!"

Whatever happens with the decoding of this binary message, at least it gives a little hope to Mulder-wannabes and tinfoil hatters all over the world, who may see alien contact in just seven years. Otherwise, the prospect was quite bad: US scientists sent another message to M13—the Hercules globular cluster—thinking that having a big concentration of stars, it may give us a bigger possibility of getting an answer back, instead of Elvis singing back "Return to Sender." Unfortunately, they didn't think that the waiting time to get a message back from a planet in M13 would be a bit too long: a mere 46,000 years.

While Hirabayashi is hopeful that his message was received in 1999 and now a reply is getting back to be received by any Jodie Foster listening out there, he knows that it's highly improbable that it would work. "I believe in aliens, but they are very difficult to find," he says.

If you add the fact that Altair may not have any planets at all, the chances are extremely slim. Still, he says that they did it because "it was good enough," and he is glad about it, especially after all the messages he got from schoolchildren everywhere: "children's response is the best thing."

What he doesn't realize is that children are small, talk in strange gibberish and get green sometimes, so his aliens may have contacted him already. [Sankei via Pink Tentacle]

To start with, dork n mero uno—hairdresser Barney Jones—wasn't being interviewed for a documentary on the first Jedi Church of England. He was filming himself, "fighting" with "lightsabers" in the garden, probably while being watched by Yoda, Mace Windu, Obi Wan, and the rest of their imaginary pals, who actually were the only ones with actual girlfriends in the backyard at the time.

Vader, whose real name is not Anakin Skywalker but Arwel Wynne Hughes, pleaded guilty, saying in his defense that he had a "chronic alcohol problem" and he didn't remember anything at all. According to the two Joneses, however, Hughes jumped in the gardent shouting "DARTH VADER," wielding a metal crutch, wearing a helmet, a black bin bag, a cape, and with a lot of wine in his stomach. Laughing—presumably hysterically, like anyone would do after consuming "the best part of a 10-litre box of wine"—he proceeded to bang Barney Jones on the head, before smacking the thigh of family nerd cousin, Michael Jones.

With almost a box of wine in his body, Vader didn't remember a single thing, but his defense attorney said alcohol was "ruining his life." On the other side, the prosecution added that the two cousins "believe very strongly in the church and their religion."

We can only hope the judge will set Vader free and put those two in jail. [BBC News]

NEVER GETS OLD. I say.

This wasn't a joke. This was serious.

No, crimper Master Hehol, this is not serious. This is just sad. Reportedly, the drunk Vader was neither a Gizmodo editor nor Eddie Izzard:

Again you ask? YES! [Daily Telegraph]

Note: for some reason, I first read wrench and did this image:

And then I got hungry, and had to do this one:

Odor sensors will detect the smell of booze permeating from your body, while the shifter will detect perspiration levels. If you fail the drunken tests, it will be difficult to start your car. (Note: These settings actually need to be tweaked, since they can detect as little as one beer on a driver.)

A mounted camera scans the eyes for hints of dozing, while external sensors detect if the car is leaving its lane improperly. In the case of extreme drowsiness, the car offers a verbal warning to pull over, and will tighten seatbelts to better protect passengers.

Nissan believes that by 2015 the improvements could cut driving fatalities to half their 1995 levels...though I wonder what the comparison would be to 2005 levels, which would seem more apt. Either way, good stuff all around. A round on me to celebrate! [reuters]

The LG LP4100 is going to be released later this year, and has already sold 200,000 phones in Korea. We're still waiting for them to add an anti-ugly-drunken-hookup mode. – Jason Chen

New cell phone to prevent drunk dialing [News.com via iBloggedThis]