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fakemodo

harf harf

Apple Cancels All iPhone 3G Orders, Releases iBrick 3G

Cupertino, California (Agencies). In a surprising move that is set to stun consumers all over the world, Apple has cancelled all orders for the iPhone 3G today. People who already bought the phones will get them replaced by Apple's new wonderproduct, the iBrick 3G. "We think it's the best thing we can do for our customers worldwide," Apple CEO Steve Jobs declared in a conference call with analysts, "I mean, they won't really notice the difference after trying to activate their iPhone 3G for the billionth time, would they? WOULD THEY?" More »

Rubber chickens

Dell to Ship All Computers, Rubber Chickens in Apple Manila Cases

Laredo, Texas (Agencies) - Surprising everyone but industry guru Gene Munster, Dell has announced a partnership with Apple Inc. that will see the former licensing the latter's exclusive Manila Case technology to ship all their computer products and accessories, like their Dell Rubber Chickens and Dell Texas-Style BBQ Ribs. "It was bound to happen," said Munster in a telephone interview from his room at the Cupertino Inn, which he uses as a base to stalk Steve Jobs. More »

opinion

Apple Introduces iPhone 3G Videoconferencing Kit, ZOMG!

Those of you complaining about the lack of front camera and videoconferencing in the new iPhone, stop saying words. This July 11 you will be able to buy the Apple Videoconferencing Kit for iPhone 3G at just $29. Press release and an exclusive leaked photo of the user manual—showing how it exactly works—right after the jump. More »

ZOMG!

"iPhone 3G" FCC Application Hints at Potential Apple "Smartphone"

Washington D.C. (Agencies) - Confidential FCC documents unearthed today by internet blog Intomobile point out at the possibility of Apple releasing a new secret device which some experts think could be a "smartphone." The new gadget—which was submitted for FCC approval in June 1, 2008—apparently has a big "touch" screen, as well as the ability to play music and communicate to other people using your own voice. According to Piper Jaffray analyst Gene Munster, this "iPhone 3G" machine can also access web portals at what he referred to as "really high speeds." More »

indy theme lyrics

Indiana Jones' Theme Secret Lyrics Uncovered

Today is the big day: the new Indiana Jones movie is here at last, bigger than ever, with new merchandise, toys, and even potato heads. What most people don't know, however, is that the classic Indy theme now comes with new lyrics. Apparently, John Williams writes lyrics for all his compositions—even while they won't be sung—as a way to keep them in character. Gizmodo has uncovered those lyrics after days of arduous investigation and heavy drinking, following up a scoop by Alex Balk. (Note: lyrics contain foul language.) More »

fakemodo

Vatican Buys Palm for $800 Million

ROME (Agencies) - The Vatican has bought Palm Inc. in an $800-million cash, stock, and souls deal, a move that analysts are calling a bold bid to reconvert the Catholic Church into the number one mobile operator for communication with God. The purchase is the culmination of Pope Benedict XVI's new push into the mobile arena. More »

tutorial

How to Do a Fake iPhone 2 In Five Easy Steps

It's Do your Fake iPhone 2 Leaked Photos Season, and everyone is trying to trick everyone else with crappy, noisy, allegedly-leaked images. But why read about stupid rumors when you can make your own—and even send them to our contest? "How" you ask? Easy, just follow the easy 5-step tutorial after the jump, and get some inspiration from some examples I've made just for you (warning, my dog's genitals may be NSFW in the Great State of Minnesota). More »

breaking

iPhone to Feature Unlimited Movie Downloads, 37-Foot Screen

After rumors of an extreme price-drop and black glossy appearance, new details about the iPhone 3G keep dripping like Princess Peach's bathroom faucet: a New York-based TV station has got exclusive details, pointing out in its news ticker that Apple's wonderphone will feature "unlimited movie downloads." The channel's rumor record is practically flawless, as demonstrated by their prediction on the extension of the Iron Man trailer into a full-length movie. Full video after the jump. More »

onionmodo

Battlestar Galactica Exclusive Spoilers, and 8-Minute Video Summary

Battlestar Galactica! Starbuck! Fracking Battlestar Galactica! Today! Starbuck! Fraksters! Did you forget something about it? Shame on you! But don't worry: get up to speed with this 8-minute summary video of the whole series, you fracking Cylons! And then, skip the need to watch the Final Season by reading our exclusive BSG spoilers list. More »

exclusive

Apple Opening Peepshows In Apple Stores Worldwide

LONDON, United Kingdom (Agencies). Following a successful pilot program in the London Apple Store, and perhaps too many caipirinhas at the Infinite Loop party which followed yesterday's iPhone SDK presentation, a visibly tipsy Steve Jobs announced the introduction of a new Peepshow feature in all Apple Stores worldwide: More »

breaking

Hello Kitty Found Dead, Charred in Los Angeles

LOS ANGELES, California (Agencies) — Hello Kitty, actress, astrophysicist and acclaimed author of the play I Can Has Pink Cheezburger, has been found dead in her Los Angeles apartment on Tuesday, probably because of an accident with a home appliance and drug overdose. LAPD, however, is not ruling out other possibilities: More »

sillypants humor

MacBook Air Eject Key's Rumored Alternative Actions

In case you haven't noticed yet, there's an eject button at the top right corner of the MacBook Air keyboard. There's no disc drive, but you push it, something pops out. Somewhere. Click. Schwing. Poop. Some people say this key ejects the optional SuperDrive, but after countless—or maybe just three—days of in-deep investigation in cocktail bars and going through the trashcans outside Jonathan Ive's house, we've compiled a list of potential actions: More »

business

Darth Vader Leaves Galactic Empire CEO Job, Joins Rock Band

ORLANDO, FL. (Agencies) - Following disagreements with the Galactic Empire President and Emperor over the arrest of Santa Claus last year, Darth Vader resigned today from his post of Imperial CEO effective immediately. Citing personal reasons, Lord Vader's spokeswomen Lucy Lamarr pointed out that the Dark Lord will now join a rock band. "And by 'joining a rock band,' I mean playing guitar in Rock Band on his PS3 with his pals, back in his home city of Dyersburg, Arkansas." Later this morning, however, Lord Vader clarified his position: More »

breakingomfg

Apple Introduces Manila Case—The World's Thinnest Notebook Case

MACWORLD SAN FRANCISCO—January 16, 2008—Apple® today unveiled Manila® Case®, the world's thinnest case for the world's thinnest laptop, the MacBook Air. When empty, Manila Case measures an unprecedented 0.07-inches at its thinnest point, but its dynamically adaptable height goes up to a maximum of 6.9-inches, adapting perfectly to the MacBook Air shape as well as to a standard* Reuben sandwich, made with pastrami, sauerkraut, swiss cheese and russian dressing on rye bread.
More »

dumb people

Area Man Parks Car On House Roof, Tells Police "GPS Made Me Do It"

CHICKASHA, Oklahoma (Agencies). Chickasha resident James McFarlan, a 45-year-old computer analyst and part-time fabric designer, drove this morning into Annie Svenson's home roof after what he referred to as an incident with his car GPS. "I told him [Sheriff Furillo] that my GPS made me do it. I was just driving when the nice sexy voice inside the box told me to turn left while I was driving through the bridge on Frisco and 62nd," said McFarlan after being released by the police. "She was like, come on, do it. Do it! Dooooo iiiit!!!" The next thing McFarlan recalls is 78-year-old retiree Mrs. Svenson in her nightgown, knocking on his windshield. More »

xps one beats imac but not really

Miracles: Mossberg Says Dell XPS One Is Better Machine than an iMac

Today, December 27 at 1:01AM EDT, The Supreme Pope of Tech Walter Mossberg has declared the Dell XPS One a better machine than the iMac. And yes, that sound you thought you dreamt was Steve Jobs screaming and Hell freezing over. The Dell XPS One comes "sightly ahead" of the iMac because of its design and hardware features, like the audio video controls or the built-in memory card readers:

It's the first Windows computer that I would put in the same class or even sightly ahead in terms of its hardware design

And if you think this is one of our Onionmodos, you can see The Mighty and Goateetastic Mossberg telling you all about it face to face. We had to watch the video twice:

More »

gizmodo sues the onion for libel

Gizmodo Sues The Onion for Libel, Asks Drew Curtis for Legal Advice

LAKE TAHOE, Nevada (Agencies) — Popular technology blog and cocktail bar guide Gizmodo has sued leading international newspaper The Onion for libel, following the latter recent article on Microsoft Corp.'s (MFST) Zune 2 MP3 player's roaring success.

More »

santa arrested by imperial stormtroopers

Imperial Stormtroopers Arrest Santa, Emperor to Take Over Xmas

SANTA'S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) - An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa's Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas' celebrations. "The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes," Mr. Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction: More »