Two noob CIA engineers were sent to a shady shop in DC's red-light district to pick up some anatomically correct sexy-time dolls. The dolls were attached to a system of rapid inflation, essentially a tank of compressed air that could pump the dolls up in less than a second. Only problem was, the dolls split at the seams when the inflation happened too quickly. (Ooh la la!)

This being the pre-internet era, and a time when mail-order took 6-8 weeks for delivery, those two poor bastards had to keep going back again and again to the sex shops to buy new dolls. The description in Spycraft is priceless:

When the young techs returned to a store for more dolls, the proprietor's quizzical stare seemed to raise uncomfortable questions about their private lives. After all, they could not explain, "You see, we work for the CIA..."

Added to that was the problem of rapid deflation—agents who jumped out of cars tended to jump back into them after the mission or drop was carried out. Probably the most embarrassing scenario would be that the KGB caught up with the agent after he had jumped back in the car, and got a closeup of him wrestling with a sex doll in the back seat.

The "elegant solution" was, sadly, far less risque. The "Jack-in-the-Box" (or JIB) that went into operation tucked inside a briefcase, and emerged as a simple, two-dimensional cutout of a man's head and shoulders. Apparently KGB tails didn't get too close—merely the suggestion of a body was enough.

As if to drive this point home, CIA agent and US traitor Edward Lee Howard—on the run from a suspicious FBI in Santa Fe in 1985—built his own JIB out of a toilet plunger, a coat hanger and a Calvin Klein jacket, with a Styrofoam dummy head wearing a fashionable Jerome Alexander wig to complete the illusion. He jumped out of the moving car as his wife drove, propping up the dummy in her hubby's place. (Who was the bigger dummy: the dummy, the lady propping up the dummy or the guy selling state secrets to the Soviet Union?) Sadly, American agents were as easily duped as their Eastern Block counterparts. According to Spycraft, "The FBI did not discover his escape until some 25 hours after he jumped from the car."

All of this CIA tech and much more like it is covered with great depth and hair-raising anecdotes in Spycraft, a new book by Robert Wallace and H. Keith Melton, reviewed by us, and available for pre-order at Amazon.

Threat Level pegs the wireless carrier as Verizon Wireless, because of a 2006 lawsuit whose allegations are extremely similar—a direct line built into their network for a "Quantico recipient" (Quantico, Virginia being the FBI's cyber-surveillance HQ) which allowed:

"Direct access to all content and all information concerning the origin and termination of telephone calls placed on the Verizon Wireless network as well as the actual content of calls."

"Unfettered access to Verizon Wireless customer records, data and information. Any customer databases, records and information could be downloaded from this center."

Takeaway, if you're dense: Everything is tapped, there's nothing you can do about it. Whatever thrust there was in righteous outrage is spent and pointless—but at least you know when you're talking to yourself (on a phone?), there's probably someone listening. =) [Threat Level]

It appears that part of the problem is due to the FBI being unable to keep track of their complicated bill. Other problems stem from the telecoms billing the FBI multiple times for individual surveillance warrants. Former FBI agent and now ACLU national security policy counsel Mike German noted that the telecoms were letting the government engage in spying without warrants and allowed them to illegally get customer records. He noted: "To put it bluntly it sounds as though the telecoms believe it when FBI says warrant is in the mail but not when they say the check is in the mail."

If all of this doesn't make you laugh and scare the hell out of you at the same time, I don't know what will. [Wired]

The FBI is expected to step-up the initiative in January 2008, when it will award a 10-year contract to a company that will assist with the construction of the database, named the Next Generation Identification system. Further, employers will be able to request information regarding their employees is retained, which will mean the system will have a dual function for forensic and identification purposes. We are thinking it's not such a hot idea; having everyone's info all in one place, with a dual purpose, just seems like a bad idea to us. How do you guys feel bout it? [Reuters]

They are just calling a million people with PCs that may have been hijacked by the badies to do evil stuff. Woo-wee. I mean, great. I am sick of spam, but it's going to take a lot more than that to kill the damn bastards. At least this is a good excuse for some great zombies and vampire videos.

A bit from British horror comedy Shaun of the Dead. If you don't have it, get it.

And yes, at last, it's Friday. – Jesus Diaz

Update: here's one who Jason just sent to me. Video guide to survive zombie attacks, by the Shaun of the Dead people. Someone send this to the FBI.

FBI tries to fight zombie hordes [BBC News]

DoJ's logic for throwing an "attempted" copyright infringer in the slammer for 1-10 years? "It is a general tenet of the criminal law that those who attempt to commit a crime but do not complete it are as morally culpable as those who succeed in doing so." Other "intent" clauses are strewn throughout the bill. Hit the jump to make your eyes pop out of your head.

The new legislation gives more teeth to the DMCA as well, adding forfeiture penalties on top of the 10-year sentence and $1 million fine for criminal violations of its anti-circumvention clauses.

It gets better. The Department of Homeland Security will directly notify the RIAA when pirated CDs are imported and intercepted by the government. Your computer, or anything else "intended to be used in any manner" for criminal copyright infringement is subject to forfeiture, on top of fines and jail time.

And CNET says it best here: "Wiretaps would be authorized for investigations of Americans who are "attempting" to infringe copyrights." I'm glad it's not super easy now or anything. Oh wait.

The DoJ press release's highlights:

• Provide stronger penalties for repeat-offenders of the copyright laws;
• Implement broad forfeiture reforms to ensure the ability to forfeit property derived from or used in the commission of criminal intellectual property offenses;
• Strengthen restitution provisions for certain intellectual property crimes (e.g., criminal copyright and DMCA offenses);
• Ensure that the exportation and transhipment of copyright-infringing goods is a crime, just as the exportation of counterfeit goods is now criminal.

Gonzales proposes new crime: 'Attempted' copyright infringement [CNET via Consumerist]
Press Release [DoJ]
Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2007 [Politechbot]

The CALEA was originally written to make digital phone lines easier to wiretap. In the case of cellphones, where the tech has "100% penetration, it's credited with boosting the number of court-approved wiretaps a carrier can handle simultaneously, and greatly shortening the time it takes to get a wiretap going," according to Threat Level.

For the low, low price of $164, you can check out the official specs ISPs will use to route over pretty much any "information sent or received through a user's broadband connection, including on-line banking activity" should the FBI be granted a court order to see what's flowing through their (or your) Intertubes.

So, happy surfing tomorrow! And be sure to use emoticons! FBI agents are people too, and I bet a smiling face would really brighten their day. — Matt Buchanan

Reminder: Monday is Wiretap the Internet Day [Threat Level]

Microsoft Should Have Protected My Porn Stash [Inquirer]

I'm guessing that the fact checkers at Fox we're too busy changing "holiday" to "Christmas" on all their scripts to figure out that the FBI replaces the phones of people they are tracking with specially outfitted models. And I'm hoping I'm right, as otherwise that's some seriously creepy and privacy-invading business right there. Just to be safe I'm wrapping my phone in foam when I'm not using it, as there is no way I want the government knowing what I order at Subway.

Check the video report after the jump, and leave any extra info you have on this shady rumor in comments.

–Adam Frucci

FBI Using Cell Phones to Spy on You? [TechEBlog]