The subject of nonhuman space travel is a bittersweet one. It was an obvious—if occasionally cruel—way to sort out many of our functional uncertainties about leaving earth. In order to help humans avoid future space tragedies, these animals sometimes burned up in fiery crashes, though they generally were not, as is the preconception, often left for dead in the cold reaches of space. The various space programs' use of animals held another sort of tragedy as well: The first creatures to slip the surly bonds were sadly unable to fathom the pure awesomeness of what they were doing.

Here are some of the best, brightest, adorablest creatures never to know that they'd been to space.

Ham, Albert and Spacebat images courtesy of NASA and JamesDuncan. Laika images from the Guardian and Thinkquest. Felix images taken from Purr-n-Furr.

The AP reports that at the Danilio Pinheiro prison in Sorocaba, Brazil, inmates were raising pigeons, having them smuggled out, strapped with packs on their legs containing cellphone parts and, in one instance, an entire cell charger. The pigeons' weakness? Food. Guards were able to lure them down from the high fences, and foil the dastardly schemes of the as-yet-unknown culprits.

It's a funny story, but it's not super hilarious when you learn that the cellphones are smuggled into prisons so that the imprisoned gang leaders can carry out horrific attacks on police and public transportation, as Sao Paolo's First Capital Command gang did in 2006, killing over 200 people.

So if you see a pigeon chilling on the prison wall, shoot first, and then frisk it for cell parts. [SF Gate/AP]

He's built with a pair of metal rods that run down his face, and over forty screws are bolted to his head holding his jaw and skull together.

Surgeons were forced to construct the biotechnological terror now known as Robo-Croc after a car crushed his formerly ordinary-but-endangered crocodile head last year. He's not eaten in three months. They're hoping that by reinforcing his snout and reconstructing his head and face with a similar texture, they can get him to eat again.

Perhaps they should start with one-handed pirates that have cybernetic limbs. I wonder if he's still going to get his brains scrambled by magnets, though? [Telegraph]

Florida state wildlife officials are taping magnets to poor crocodiles' heads when they catch them in people's yards or wherever they're not wanted (because people are racist against crocodiles, but for some reason not Crocs), even though they're gentle creatures. Magnets attached to the side of their heads throw off their internal navigational system, which it's believed is based on Earth's magnetic field, so the crocs don't return to where they're caught—which they do, normally, even if you take 'em a long way away. They'll move up to 10 miles a week to get back to where they were.

Personally, if people don't like crocodiles they much, I think they should send monkeys after them. I mean, Donkey Kong does pretty awesome against them, and then it's just nature doing its thing. It took him three tries, but I mean, there haven't been any of them for Donkey to deal with in a while.

Update for commenters complaining about crocs vs. alligators: Reuters is also reporting it's crocodiles they're strapping magnets to, not alligators, though that might be an alligator in the picture, which is from the Florida Fish and Wildlife website. And The University of Florida says there are crocodiles in Florida, they're just endangered (as the original article says, there are about 2,000 in the wild in Florida). [TC Palm via Slashgear]

P.S. I ate alligator once. Sorry if it was like your cousin or something Mr. Crocodile.

For instance, no matter how hard I push "use litter tray," Wynona still prefers to use the linoleum floor just in front of the litter tray. Is this a calibration issue?

And when I aim the thing straight at Wade and press "Get Off—Shelf," he just looks at me. And that's the other problem: Even when I'm not pressing certain buttons such as "Remain Aloof" "Cat Nap" and "Eject Fur Ball," the cats seem to be performing those tasks anyway. It's as if they have minds of their own! Maybe there's a good reason you don't print a toll-free tech support number on the package.

Sincerely,

Wilson, Frustrated Cat Owner

[Amazon via Book of Joe and Apartment Therapy]

To see each reason we're doomed, just click on the little thumbnail. We've got a bonus reason as a recession special.

I didn't know police actually arrested people for violating endangered species laws, much less patrolled Facebook profiles for evidence of crimes against furmanity, but the couple was arrested under the Fisheries Regulations and the Wild Animal Protection Act after police found shots showing them "catching an iguana, parts of an iguana on a grill, two men eating the iguana pieces, and a man and a woman cleaning what appears to be undersized conch."

I ate alligator once, when I was like eight years old in Florida. It was like eating very tough, bland chicken strips, so I went back to eating buffalo wings, which I thought at the time was also a very manly thing to eat, since buffalo have horns and are the size of cars. I imagine that iguana isn't much better. [Metro UK via digg]

They've joined up with a lawsuit challenging the National Animal Identification system, which requires livestock to be tagged with an RFID chip. The government says the chips help them track livestock disease. The lawsuit says that the RFID chip is in fact a "Mark of the Beast," as foretold in the book of the Bible that set up one of Arnold's worst movies ever, End of Days:

"Use of a numbering system for their premises and/or electronic numbering system for their animals constitutes some form of a 'mark of the beast' and/or represents an infringement of their 'dominion over cattle and all living things' in violation of their fundamental religious beliefs."

It's a serious enough violation of their religious beliefs that, if enforced, many would not be able to farm, even though they maintain a bunch of heirloom crops and livestock—which they note could be genetically handy if disease or a terrorist attack seriously batters our food supply. Personally, I'm not quite ready for Armageddon, so maybe the government should back off, just in case. [Threat Level via Fark]

Found in a landfill starving to death, unable to feed herself, "Beauty" the eagle had its fake beak designed by engineer Nate Calvin. It's just a temporary solution, albeit one that seems to be working pretty well so far. The next step is making a new, more permanent one that'll be tougher. After that, they'll track down the poacher who did this and have Beauty peck his eyes out with its prosthetic superbeak. Poetic justice. [The Sun via Boing Boing]

The acoustic kitty was a bionic feline with a 3/4-inch radio transmitter embedded at the base of its skull. The transmitter's antenna was woven in to the cat's fur, while the microphone was placed in the cat's ear canal. Yes, PeTA members, the cat project did consider "questions of humane treatment." Once the system was up and running, the cats didn't seem to mind it at all. Boom, total success right? Well, no. Spycraft author Bob Wallace told me in an interview: "The cat wanted to do what the cat wanted to do, and not what we wanted it to do."

The British secret service actually used mice in a similar fashion, not as live microphones, but as a means to drag wire along the studs inside walls. The CIA trained pigeons to fly to laser dots and drop payloads, generally wireless mics. Obviously dogs too were trained for ops—though the Soviets were up on dog training, too, according to Spycraft co-author Keith Melton: the KGB trained dogs to sniff out the glue used by the CIA in equipment drops.

Says Melton re: animals in the line of duty: "If you have a choice between putting human and animals at risk—and I'm an animal lover—you have to use an animal."Dead animals worked as well or better. Deceased rats, which apparently had lived long happy lives and died of natural causes, were hollowed out and used to stash secret information for drops in hostile territory. The reasoning was that people don't go around picking up dead rats to see what's inside. As for animals who might be looking for a tasty snack, the rats were painted with Tabasco sauce, repellent to every critter but humans. Fun fact: The CIA used white rats for this, so that they could dye them to match the indigenous coloration of local rats.Before the CIA was born, live rats—with wings—were considered for strategic use. Project X-Ray a.k.a. BAT was an OSS plan to release 1 million bats rigged with tiny explosives over Japan towards the end of World War II. Bats from Carlsbad Cavern in New Mexico were brought to a test facility. According to Spycraft, the bats' most successful test run resulted in the fiery destruction of a new hangar. The plan was killed off, it seems, because no one knew how to automate the bat-arming process in a cost-effective manner. Bombs were also attempted with the Norwegian rat and trained domestic cats, who were supposed to swim to a target after being dropped in the ocean. (Anyone see a problem with that?) [More CIA Spytech on Giz]

All of this CIA tech and much more like it is covered with great depth and hair-raising anecdotes in Spycraft, a new book by Robert Wallace and H. Keith Melton, reviewed by us, and available for pre-order at Amazon.

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[Yanko Design]

[Metro]

Thanks to its lightweight frame and complex gear system, the Naturmobil can can reach speeds of around 50 mph when the horse is really hauling. However, the cruising speed generally tops out at a more leisurely 12 mph. Mirhejazi hopes to parade his invention throughout the world in an attempt to secure financing for a second generation 4 horsepower Naturmobile that he plans to use for tourist transportation. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. [Xpress via Neatorama via DVICE]

If the procedure is successful, the beak could help Beauty clutch food and drink water properly (and no doubt deliver a big boost in self-esteem). However, because of her limitations, she will never be able to survive if returned to the wild. Still, the researchers behind the project believe that Beauty could potentially live another 43 years in captivity thanks to their efforts. [CrunchGear via Wired]

Essentially, this thing is a sunshine simulator, making your pet feel like its laying out in the sun even when it's the middle of February. But do you know what else a pet can sleep in front of to feel warm? A heater or a fireplace. It's not like there needs to be a bright light there to confuse your cat about what season it is, and last time I checked pets don't need to tan, as they're covered in hair. If you purchase this you should officially lose your right to use currency and should forfeit agency over your finances to a third party with some sense in its damned head. [TrendHunter via BornRich]

When they found Winter injured and flopping around in the ocean, rescuers took her to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, where she recovered, but couldn't get her swimmin' skillz back. Worse, her doctors thought she might throw out her back trying to swim with her stump.

Enter prosthetics master Kevin Carroll who, says the Daily Mail, "has designed prosthetics for dogs, an ostrich, and even [one lucky] duck." Carroll checked out the situation and thought coming up with the prosthetic would be easy. In the end, though, it took a year and a half to construct the 30" silicone and plastic tail, due to the fact that inside the prosthesis' slip, the spine of the dolphin has to have the freedom to move any which way. (By contrast, a leg bone typically stays put when a prosthesis is slipped over it.)

Check out more pics of the happy-looking Winter at the Daily Mail. [Daily Mail]

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