Not everything's better digitized, you know? People like pinball because it's nostalgic and flawed, not because it's such a great game. Sure, this digital version lets you "bump and tilt," and for $6,000 I'm sure the rendering of the flippers is excellent—but it's got no soul. But since pinball was already pretty much dead by the time I was born, maybe I'm not the best authority on the subject. It's available from HS now. [Hammacher Schlemmer via Technabob Crunchgear]

Offered by Hammacher Schlemmer:

This is the first voice-interactive coffee maker that asks, "Would you like to set the clock or set the coffee brewing time?" and operates in response to your verbal commands. Simply saying, "Set the coffee brewing time," or "Set the clock," will prompt the machine to reply, "Please say the time, including AM or PM." It uses an advanced voice recognition system to identify any time of day you speak, eliminating the hassle of fussing with buttons.

Sure, the one instance that you ever have to program the time on your coffee maker is a tad inconvenient, and I can appreciate the UI improvement of any gadget. But as long as we're using voice commands and $100 coffee makers, we might as well open the door for new functionality. "Brew 4 cups of coffee" or "tea earl grey hot" would both be welcome commands that could save you time and prodding on a daily basis.

Imagine if you could only tell the Enterprise to "set the clock." [Hammacher Schlemmer via CrunchGear]

* To be fair, maybe Hammacher Schlemmer just failed to mention the "make coffee" command. Even if so, the fact that you'd need to press a button to issue the order sort of negates the convenience.

Oh, the ball floats like a champ, even with a 200lb guy inside (technically, it's rated to 170lbers, and we tested it with those guys too). But its suction cup skin, which promises to form a number of tiny vacuums on the surface of the water to provide some level of traction, are completely ineffective.

The end result is more of a stationary hamster wheel than a go-anywhere invincible hamster ball.

However, it should be mentioned that the ball works incredibly well on land. And for the whole weekend we watched a group of giggling kiteboard instructors step inside before being rolled down ramps, stairs and small ledges.

So you can find $300 worth of fun in Hammacher Schlemmer's Six Foot Walk On Water Ball, but you'll encounter that fun on land, not water.

Note: You may recognize that guy in the video. Just maybe.

Shot by Joel Johnson, Edited by Don Nguyen

The thinking is that, by fitting around your teeth like some kind of bristly retainer, the 40 second toothbrush can decrease necessary brushing time by 66%. This assumes you were taking 120 seconds to brush your chiclets with a traditional toothbrush, which, let's be honest, you weren't.

This brush bears the two telltales marks of a Hammacher Schlemmer product, which it is: it solves a problem that nobody has (an inability to pay attention long enough to brush their teeth) with a method that probably doesn't work (wrapping your teeth in cupped brushes and vibrating like hell). Oh, I almost forgot about the third mark: it's $100. [Hammacher via RedFerret]

Timmy woke up to the sun shining in the alley where he slept. Oh no, he would be late to his new job at the bakery, a place with sweets and other good things to eat. He could not lose this position or he would go hungry again.

But to Timmy's surprise, the Baker was sitting beside him, touching his cheek gently. "You've worked hard for too long, little boy. You deserve a good home and a loving father," the Baker said. "I'd like to adopt you, if you'll have me as your dad."

Timmy's eyes welled up in tears. This Christmas he would get a new beginning. Life would change for the better. Maybe he could even go to school, pursue his day dreams of architecture or baking.

"But there's one thing I'll ask of you first," the Baker said.

"What...father?" the boy responded.

"Open that gift," replied the Baker.

And it was at that moment that Timmy noticed a huge wrapped gift leaning beside the brick. It was the biggest present he'd ever seen, even when he remembered back to the times he'd peek in shop windows. Timmy could not restrain himself. He ripped into the package ravenously until the shiny paper succumbed to the mud of the streets.

"It's a train!" Timmy exclaimed. The Baker smiled tenderly. It had cost him six months of pay, though he'd never admit that to anyone.

"Hop on," the Baker said.

So Timmy jumped in the Hammacher Schlemmer Locomotive, his face glowing from either the sun or glee, one could not tell. He shouted "all aboard" and the Baker laughed. Then Timmy stopped for a moment, glancing around at the controls.

"How do you start the train?" Timmy asked.

"Oh, you crank it to go," the Baker explained.

"A mechanical toy? You mean I have to work even more than I have my whole life?? Fuck that shit!"

And with that, Timmy and the Baker parted ways, never to see one another again. [Hammacher Schlemmer via DVICE]

It's no badass like the 7200dpi Plustek OpticFilm 7300, but it costs $100 less and goes beyond most standard scanners, including a 5-megapixel CMOS sensor, 1800dpi resolution and 10-bit color. It doesn't look like it's got a sheet feeder; instead it has a tray specifically suited to 3x5, 4x6 and 5x7s. Drop 'em in, press a button, and presto, it magically becomes a picture on your computer screen—if you have Windows, that is. [Hammacher]

If you like the idea of the Laser Combat Cars, but sadly have no friends, fret not! One of the devices can be set to AI mode, so you can compete with yourself all day. Much like that other solo activity you take part in, with alarming, daily regularity.

The cars require six AA batteries, whilst the controllers use one 9V battery each. The set for two players, by Hammacher Schlemmer, costs $99.95 and will be ready to ship on 21st September 2007. We think all differences in the future should be settled in this manner—moronic world leaders; get your RC game on! [Product Page via Red Ferret].

The robotic brain includes the following features packed into its colour changing matter:

A complete edition of The Britannica Concise Encyclopedia, an English dictionary and a world history timeline. Further, Brian will respond to verbal prompts, initiate conversations and build a profile of the user from their responses. An onboard database can store telephone numbers; the bot can then be hooked up to a phone line to act as a telephone. Dialing by voice command or by direct input via the keyboard is possible and inbuilt speakers act as the sound output device during a call. The same speakers can also be used to playback your tunes, by connecting your MP3 player. The robot stands a fairly large 13.75"x11.75"x10" and is powered by three AAA batteries. The do-it-all device will ship on 21/09/07 and will retail at $119.95.

Brian the Brain sure as hell does a lot. In fact, being a multitasking brain box, he has the exact credentials of Gizmodo's commander-in-chief. How sure can we be this is not really Blam? There are striking similarities; they are both called Brian, both have a brain and eerily, both have keyboards physically attached to them. Blam the Brain? You decide. [Product Page via Ubergizmo].

The camera might not scream great picture quality at 628x528 resolution, but there are so many reasons why this R2D2 rendition kicks geek gadget butt. The obligatory beeping sounds are all preset, along with the Star Wars soundtrack. Digital photos and voice recorder functions are also included. Further, the device is wireless meaning it will not need to be on a leash connected to your laptop. The supplied remote control, which is kick-ass because it is shaped as a light saber, allows you to control R2D2's movements. Yes it moves, in four glorious planes! If that kind of control is not remote enough for you, there is also an option to manage the righteous robot via the web. Worried it may take a tumble from the great heights off your desk? Don't; Hammacher Schlemmer has managed to incorporate a sensor to protect your $349.95 investments from such tumbling travesties. The light saber remote can also be packed with you on your journeys away from R2D2, as it doubles up as a sweet Skype handset.

If you are a little wet in the pants from reading all this you are probably not too fussed about the $349.95 price tag, but we think it is a little steep. Unless, of course, you intend on marrying and having some kids with R/C R2D2. Lets face it, no one this side of the human species is going to consider you as a potential procreation partner, certainly not for a measly $349.95, anyway. Set for a release date of 21/09/07, pre-orders are being taken now. [Product Page via Oh Gizmo!].

If you can't stand that honking buzzer that wakes you up every morning, you can get that comely young lady who spent the night at your place last weekend to record a good morning greeting for you on it, and then it will play that back at your designated time instead of those obnoxious and customary alarm noises.

If it weren't so dog-ugly, looking like a front of an Edsel or someone's mouth with his cheeks pinched together attempting to enunciate the phrase "Porky Pig," we might even be interested in something like this. Expected to ship on April 27th, it'll be $59.95. – Charlie White

Product Page [Hammacher Schlemmer]

Since it just goes just 30 miles on a charge, don't be thinking about taking any extended road trips with this 33hp motorcycle-like contraption, but it has a top speed of 70mph so you could probably head out on the highway for a short trip or two if you're able to muster up enough courage. Plug it into a 110-volt outlet and it takes six hours to charge, but connect it to 220 volts and it takes only an hour to juice it up.

Pricing, an even uglier pic that'll make you laugh out loud, and an alternative suggestion, coming up:

Ha ha ha! If you really can't stand that banana color, you can choose from a long list of other colors, too, including red, teal, orange, blue, purple, magenta, white, coral, dark aqua, green, lime green, lilac and aqua. Maybe just paint a clown face on the thing for even more fugly impact.

But now the shocker: this 1600-pound ugly duckling costs—wait for it—$24,899.95. Save your money; there are much better electric trykes on the way. – Charlie White

The Electric One-Person Car [Hammacher Schlemmer]

Of all the lame Christmas gifts I've received over the years, two stand out in my memory as particularly egregious. The first was a Manhattan Transfer album, the awfulness of which requires no further description from these quarters. The second? A shower radio that assuredly cost its giver less than a tenner. I know, I know, it's the thought that counts. But when poor reception limits your showertime musical entertainment to a station that specializes in airing the devilish wailings of sackless lite-rock crooners, my holiday spirit flushes away like so much corn-flecked dung.

Not that I'm philosophically opposed to the concept of shower radios, and I realize that there are some groovy options out there. But let's face reality here: sub-$10 shower radios of dubious quality are too often the gearhead's equivalent of a lump o' coal—yes, even if they're shaped like Shrek. After the jump, a brief history of this water-resistant gadget's transformation into the fruitcake of geekdom. PLUS: Spammers aren't nearly as smart as you think.

Let's start by rewinding to a glorious year: 1984, when the Olympics came to my hometown and Ghostbusters rightfully reigned supreme at the box office. It's also the year when, to the best of my knowledge, executoy catalogue Hammacher Schlemmer first offered the WetTunes, the granddaddy of semi-affordable shower radios. Powered by a 9-volt battery, the WetTunes was pretty revolutionary at the time—we'd all grown up learning that radio plus bathtub equals death, so the product gave me a newfound sense of faith in technology's ability to solve all of humanity's pressing problems. Alas, priced at $30 (c. $58 in today's dollars), the WetTunes was too expensive for my dad; I think he got me some knock-off Gobots instead.

Shower radios stayed high-end for a few years then, with Sony (of course) entering the fray with a technologically superior, ridiculously overpriced model: the ICF-S77W (c. $89 in today's dollars). But then you saw the boom in home-shopping channels, the perfect medium through which to sell shower radios. See, here's what I've figured out about the likes of HSN and QVC when it comes to electronics: they don't care a jot about specs, what they need is a superficial "wow" factor. And waterproofing is a cheap, easily understandable wow. Heck, here's a little free advice, guys—waterproof a 13-inch TV by encasing it in plastic, and advertise it as "the first TV you can watch in the tub!" You'll sell out within minutes.

All of a sudden, you had shower radios crashing below the $20 barrier, then the $10 barrier. The fact of the matter is that waterproofing—or, more accurately, water resistance—is pretty straightforward: have your Guangdong factory make a mold for the case, then crank those puppies out en masse. (There may be an FCC approval step here that I'm missing, but I don't have much faith in that particular agency's regulatory zeal nowadays, for better or for worse.)

The problem with gadgets that sell on gimmicks, of course, is that they have no incentive to, y'know, make the blasted thing work as advertised. The GearToGo's and Sentrya's of the world know that these sub-$10 units are purchased by-and-large for novelty purposes, or as gifts. They depend on the receiver of said gifts to be so amazed by the fact that he can actually listen to the radio in the shower without being electrocuted, he won't really mind when his audio choices are limited to a half-dozen Clear Channel atrocities.

Thing is, this is 2006, and such wowable consumers are a dying breed. In an age in which even Jessica Simpson namechecks HDTV video modes in commercials, shower radios float relatively few boats. So how about all us skinflint gearheads make a vow this year, in order to end the madness once and for all: if we are given a shower radio, we will kindly tell the giver that, while the thought appreciated, such craptacular electronics no longer have a place in our society.

Then, for dramatic effect, the radio in question should be thrown upon the ground and stomped into smithereens, in plain view of the giver who thought he/she was being oh-so-clever by spending $5.03 on such a gee-whiz gadget. Sounds heartless, I realize, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Who's with me?

BEHIND THE TIMES: Spammers are known for baiting potential dupes with absurdly good deals—mortgage rates of 2.15 percent and the like. So what to make of a recent spam I got from "USB Stick Factory", advertising a 1-gig Flash memory drive for $12.99? That's a decent price, for sure, but come on—I can easily get an identically sized drive from xPCGear.com (and lots of other legitimate joints) for just seven bucks more. Us low-enders are concerned about price, sure, but a $7 price differential isn't worth the gamble.

So, note to Douglas Ching, who identifies himself in this spam as "marketing manager, Starline International Group": you gotta keep up with the times and slash those tease prices, my friend. No one's gonna gamble on your goods unless they can save at least 75 percent by rolling the spam dice.

NEXT WEEK: Last-minute gift guide for that not-so-special someone in your life.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

Read more Low End Theory

The electronic music stand allows paperless performances by either scanning your music or downloading it from an 85,000 score library. The image is displayed on a low-glare 12" 1024x768 LCD. Flipping pages is easy with the foot pedal and the stand allows you to make notes via keyboard, stylus or touchscreen. Plus, the unit stores MP3s, setlists and fingering charts, while featuring small bonuses like pitch pipe, midi support and metronome. Apparently the display even has some level of wireless connectivity with PCs and Macs. Sure, $1,400 is a bit of money, but what is the price of never having music soak in a lake of your own spit again ? – Mark Wilson

Product Page [via therawfeed]