WTF Comcast started collecting Comcast's best synopsis work about a week ago, and they've already unearthed a treasure trove of top-rate film criticism, thinly disguised as Tweet-length cable box blurbery. My favorites:

As a Time Warner customer, I have to say I feel cheated. Comcast, or whatever subcontractor they're buying this stuff from: Give this (wo?)man a raise. [WTF Comcast]

UPDATE: Deadspin sheds some light on the source of Comcast's listings.

[Break via Reddit]

If only Fox News started doing things like this, I think I'd finally be able to sit through Shepard Smith. [Thanks, OMG! Ponies!]

Click the image to view a larger version.

Based in New York City, Shane Snow is a graduate student in Digital Media at Columbia University and founder of Scordit.com. He's fascinated with all things geeky, particularly social media and shiny gadgets he'll never afford.

Just don't send me one. I already know that my cellphone manners are lacking. [Murray the Nut]

Brian Hogg is a puppeteer and a writer. He builds puppets for money at Hoggworks Studios—including the Mosspuppet and Ask Palpatine—and likes to make fun of people.

Brian Hogg is a puppeteer and a writer. He builds puppets for money at Hoggworks Studios—including the Mosspuppet and Ask Palpatine—and likes to make fun of people.

Brian Hogg is a puppeteer and a writer. He builds puppets for money at Hoggworks Studios—including the Mosspuppet and Ask Palpatine—and likes to make fun of people.

Check the rest at College Humor. [College Humor via Geeks Are Sexy]

Microsoft may have backed out of the show's live special, but Family Guy definitely has the geek cred thing down. [Nick McGlynn]

According to the source, Will wants to program for Microsoft when he gets older. Let me tell you something, kid: If you show this video to anyone at Microsoft, there's no way they won't give you a job on the spot.

And one other thing, Will: You do far more justice to your source material than the majority of CCR cover bands out there. Keep up the good work. [TechFlash]

1. Capsule Hotel
Say you're in Union Square, it's 4am, and you're drunk. Far too drunk to figure out how to get back to Queens on the subway. Well, why not go and crash in the capsule hotel at Best Buy for $15? And when you get up, you can make a quick video game impulse purchase to help nurse your hangover with.

2. Pay by the hour video games
Best Buy has tons of huge, beautiful TVs. They also have boatloads of video games and consoles. Why not use all that gear? If they set up Xboxes on those big TVs, they could charge people by the hour to play on them late at night. Say, from 11pm-6am. I'm sure they'd make a boatload of cash from semi-drunk people paying $20 to kill each other in Call of Duty before going home after the bars.

3. Food
Of course, you've gotta have food late at night. Might I suggest a make-your-own sundae bar? Just make sure you've got enough wet naps on hand to keep all of your nice products from being covered in sticky fingerprints.

4. Skee-ball
Everybody loves skee-ball!

5. Karaoke
Again, this would be a great way to showcase your TVs as well as the big musical instruments section that this new flagship Best Buy is going to have.

6. Hot Tubs
Look, if you want to get people into your store late at night, you've gotta offer incentives. And there are few better incentives than a hot tub on a cold night. Combine this with #2 and I'd practically live there.

7. A Bar
Why only settle for people shopping after they've been out drinking when you can sell them their drinks as well? Do you know what the profit margins are on booze sales? Enough to make you rethink being an electronics retailer, that's what.

1. Since a battery should never be 100% full or 100% empty, you should charge it then discharge it in sequence ideally ranging between 80% to 20%. Start by charging for 12 minutes, then running it down, then charge it for 11 minutes then run it down, and so on. Confused? Just use this handy formula: n!=C(n,k)/r! where n can't equal r, and k never reaches zero. Simple!

2. If you use a phone or laptop without first charging its battery fully, you will die.

3. A lot of battery experts warn of the memory effect, but it's not really an "effect." It's just their way of saying "Remember to charge your batteries!"

4. Batteries run better when cold. The easiest way to do this is to find a refrigerated warehouse or meat locker, befriend the night watchman, and do all your work from there. ($20 bribes usually work.)

5. If your laptop battery gets hot enough to sear tuna, step away. Check your fridge for tuna. If no tuna in fridge, run to the supermarket to buy tuna. Don't worry, as long as you don't unplug your laptop, the battery will stay hot while you are gone.

6. When putting your laptop into storage, take out the battery. Wrap the extracted battery in a well oiled cloth and place it in a clay pot. Bury the pot in a hayfield. Any will do, but it's best if there's a long rock wall with a big oak tree at the north end. The battery should keep fresh for up to six months that way. If you're worried about finding it again, just mark your spot with a rock that has no earthly business in a hayfield. I favor black volcanic glass.

7. If your battery is about to run dry, take it out and blow on it. I have no idea why this works, but it totally does.

8. If your battery does die, you can always make your own: A potato theoretically has enough "potential energy" stored inside to power a laptop for a full hour—the trick is knowing where to stick the wires. Just ask a third grader. One tip: The potato must not be baked.

9. You should never confuse your batteries. Here's an easy way to keep them apart in your head: Lithium Ion batteries explode, Nickel Cadmium destroys the environment, and Lead Acid batteries are more corrosive than the Alien Queen's blood (plus, they contain lead). You can eat Lithium Ferro Phosphate batteries.

10. People may tell you to carry a battery-life extender in your bag, but the secret there is, it's just another battery. What do I recommend? Jumper cables.