Your maternal grandmother suffers from excessive perspiration to such a degree that when, during the summer months, when the ambient temperature in the sunshine exceeds the regional average, the Governor of the State in which she domiciles puts into place the necessary measures to enlist the aid of the National Guard and the Unites States Army Corps of Engineers to erect a levee system around her perimeter.

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Your sister is endowed with a most putrescent odor which emanates without end from her hindquarters, an affliction which can be easily rectified by employing proper hygienic techniques, however, she omits to endeavor in such practices entirely, being wholly unaware of her own state of filth, due to a severe lack of mental and cognitive capacity.

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Additionally, we feel the need to inform you that your personal choices of habiliment and accoutrement step beyond what those in contemporary society would refer to as "in good taste", and can only conclude that this is a further deficiency on the part of one or both of your parents to provide for a family in this day and age.

We hope that this letter finds you well, and remain steadfastly yours,

The offices of Herrod, Smythe and Krumpett, et. al.

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While we are on the subject of personal grooming, I find it necessary to address the subject of your sister's hindquarters.

While I understand that most women are not fond of having their buttocks described, and certainly not given the appellation "hindquarters" (being a term more often used in conjunction with livestock), it is generally known in the community that your sister's hindquarters a covered with a thick layer of extraordinarily coarse hair, not unlike that found on the genitals of a mature adult silverback gorilla.

This condition is so pronounced that there is presently a press release published in the latest issue of Men's Health Magazine, which prominently features her hindquarters as proof positive of the successful results that can be by using Bosley-branded hair-replacement treatment. The accompanying text states that this hair is humanlike and virtually indistinguishable from that found on a man's scalp.

I bring this to your attention in the hopes that you will alert her of this fact and I hope that she is being adequately compensated. I know that your family lives quite shabbily to the point that it is conjectured that you cannot even afford holes in the bottom of your chosen footwear.

I thank you for your time and remain

Faithfully yours,

OMG! Ponies!

P.S.: Please extend my most heartfelt felicitations to your mother and congratulate her on my behalf in her victory in the most recent World's Greatest Beard competition. Again she proves that even the most virile Teutonic and Nordic men cannot hope to end her now decade-long reign as champion in that contest.

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Homer: Explain.

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However, there's a caveat: Once you start shaving your head, people rubbing it will instantaneously become your new kryptonite.

@Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen: My condolences.

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