Basically, each retailer will have its own specific exclusive that comes with the Blu-Ray disk. If you go to Circuit City, you're given two lithographs of concept art from the movie.

Best Buy gets a gift set with a replica of that Crystal Skull as well as $25 to spend on sideshowcollectables.com.

Target customers receive an 80-page hardcover book of behind-the-scenes photos and images.

Kmart & Sears will hand you four LEGO mini-posters (LEGO replicas of all four Indy films).

And finally, Trans World shoppers receive steelbook packaging. Yes. Packaging.

Right. If LEGO posters and exclusive picture books are enough to make you want to go out and buy this travesty of a movie, they'll be in all the stores mentioned above on October 14. Happy hunting.

• Resident musicologist Jesus Diaz revealed the top-secret lyrical underpinnings of the Indy theme, which are as safe for awesome as they are not safe for work. Too bad he hated it.
• Any self-respecting superfan doesn't just see the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull six times. He buys all the official merchandise he can find. Of course there's an official fedora and Hasbro FX whip, which increased Gizmodo workplace efficiency by 4%.

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• The folks over at Toy Fair in New York finally, observing Harrison Ford's increasing potatoishiousness, have put together a "Tater of the Lost Ark" Mr. Potato Head.

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• And then there's the Crystal Skull projector/homeschooling device, which speaks to your children about real archeology while projecting sort of related shots of melting Nazis and Shia LeBeouf.
• Remember how the kid down the street always had 10x more Legos than you? Well he's still around and though he's all growed up with a fancy job and girlfriend (not really), he hasn't changed. Not content with the official Kingdom Lego set, some guys with undoubtedly bright futures reenacted the boulder scene from Raiders with the little plastic blocks. 5 million of them.
• Well, give or take. This photo revealed that the giant boulder actually had a foam core, which really upset at least 17 people. I mean, they smashed some stranger's car with an eight-foot Lego ball — how mad can you be?
• But it isn't all good for Indy, as he was publicly emasculated on The View. He was informed by a surprised Whoopi Goldberg that Lucas made him "look like a man" and was forced to sit idly through a bunch of chick chatter (hey, I'm down with the whole feminist movement and all, but that just looked painful).
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And I got it. I got goosebumps too. And then, as I was thinking "this is going to be so amazingly cool," all my hopes were shattered by a script that went downhill after the first 30 minutes. Because simply put:

THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

It sucks not because it's not Fellini or Kubrick. I don't want that when I go to see Indy. It just sucks because it didn't suspend my disbelief for more than five minutes at a time. From the moment Indy gets into a lead-lined fridge to survive an atomic explosion—landing miles away without an scratch—to the chase in the jungle in which Shia LaBeouf jumps from tree to tree like Tarzan, then manages to jump onto the baddies' car and beat their asses (with the help of, get this, two dozen wild monkeys who suddenly decide LaBeouf/Jar Jar is one of them). Yes, it's the fucking Ewoks all over again. Damn bloody Ewoks and damn friggin' Return of the Jedi.

But I digress—let me get back to "THIS MOVIE SUCKS."

You see, maybe Crystal Skull doesn't suck that bad because of the movie itself. Maybe it sucks because I'm an Indiana Jones fanboy. After all, I named our dog Jones, and I would name my future son or daughter Indiana (somewhere in his/her name, not as a main one) whenever Addy and I have them. So maybe it's just that. I could be one of those bitter naysayers who wanted the perfect Indy movie. That's what Lucas and Spielberg say in every interview: "most fans won't like the movie."

Sadly, they are wrong.

The movie still sucks on its own, it sucks on its own cinema-making merits. Some of the editing is terrible, cutting the rhythm of the action scenes, and stopping the flow overall—and some of the acting and special effects are not much better, almost as bad as fake LEGO boulders.

And then again, maybe I am bitter.

Perhaps I'm bitter because, since they didn't make the movie flow as it should, they have wasted an amazing opportunity. Because the story itself, the Soviets trying to get alien technology to take over the world, is a great premise for any movie, not just Indiana Jones. And since I love science fiction, UFOs, aliens, obscure civilizations, and Indiana Jones, this movie had all the elements to become the best Indy movie of all time.

Yes, maybe it's just that: I'm sad to see the last opportunity to get a perfect story with the perfect protagonist just right. But at the end, I keep thinking that—unlike Iron Man, this amazing trailer should have never been made into a full movie. Instead, we should have kept it in our imaginations forever.

Ah well, at least we have all the merchandise! Time to put on my fedora and take my whip elsewhere. Or maybe go play with my Indy LEGOs.

P.S. INDY GETS MARRIED TO MARION. WTF IS THAT? HE CAN'T GET MARRIED! HE'S A BACHELOR! LOOK AT THOSE BLONDE STUDENTS!
P.P.S. I rest my case.

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