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• Resident musicologist Jesus Diaz revealed the top-secret lyrical underpinnings of the Indy theme, which are as safe for awesome as they are not safe for work. Too bad he hated it.

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• Any self-respecting superfan doesn't just see the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull six times. He buys all the official merchandise he can find. Of course there's an official fedora and Hasbro FX whip, which increased Gizmodo workplace efficiency by 4%.

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• The folks over at Toy Fair in New York finally, observing Harrison Ford's increasing potatoishiousness, have put together a "Tater of the Lost Ark" Mr. Potato Head.

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• And then there's the Crystal Skull projector/homeschooling device, which speaks to your children about real archeology while projecting sort of related shots of melting Nazis and Shia LeBeouf.

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• Remember how the kid down the street always had 10x more Legos than you? Well he's still around and though he's all growed up with a fancy job and girlfriend (not really), he hasn't changed. Not content with the official Kingdom Lego set, some guys with undoubtedly bright futures reenacted the boulder scene from Raiders with the little plastic blocks. 5 million of them.
• Well, give or take. This photo revealed that the giant boulder actually had a foam core, which really upset at least 17 people. I mean, they smashed some stranger's car with an eight-foot Lego ball — how mad can you be?

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• But it isn't all good for Indy, as he was publicly emasculated on The View. He was informed by a surprised Whoopi Goldberg that Lucas made him "look like a man" and was forced to sit idly through a bunch of chick chatter (hey, I'm down with the whole feminist movement and all, but that just looked painful).
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And I got it. I got goosebumps too. And then, as I was thinking "this is going to be so amazingly cool," all my hopes were shattered by a script that went downhill after the first 30 minutes. Because simply put:

THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

It sucks not because it's not Fellini or Kubrick. I don't want that when I go to see Indy. It just sucks because it didn't suspend my disbelief for more than five minutes at a time. From the moment Indy gets into a lead-lined fridge to survive an atomic explosion—landing miles away without an scratch—to the chase in the jungle in which Shia LaBeouf jumps from tree to tree like Tarzan, then manages to jump onto the baddies' car and beat their asses (with the help of, get this, two dozen wild monkeys who suddenly decide LaBeouf/Jar Jar is one of them). Yes, it's the fucking Ewoks all over again. Damn bloody Ewoks and damn friggin' Return of the Jedi.

But I digress—let me get back to "THIS MOVIE SUCKS."

You see, maybe Crystal Skull doesn't suck that bad because of the movie itself. Maybe it sucks because I'm an Indiana Jones fanboy. After all, I named our dog Jones, and I would name my future son or daughter Indiana (somewhere in his/her name, not as a main one) whenever Addy and I have them. So maybe it's just that. I could be one of those bitter naysayers who wanted the perfect Indy movie. That's what Lucas and Spielberg say in every interview: "most fans won't like the movie."

Sadly, they are wrong.

The movie still sucks on its own, it sucks on its own cinema-making merits. Some of the editing is terrible, cutting the rhythm of the action scenes, and stopping the flow overall—and some of the acting and special effects are not much better, almost as bad as fake LEGO boulders.

And then again, maybe I am bitter.

Perhaps I'm bitter because, since they didn't make the movie flow as it should, they have wasted an amazing opportunity. Because the story itself, the Soviets trying to get alien technology to take over the world, is a great premise for any movie, not just Indiana Jones. And since I love science fiction, UFOs, aliens, obscure civilizations, and Indiana Jones, this movie had all the elements to become the best Indy movie of all time.

Yes, maybe it's just that: I'm sad to see the last opportunity to get a perfect story with the perfect protagonist just right. But at the end, I keep thinking that—unlike Iron Man, this amazing trailer should have never been made into a full movie. Instead, we should have kept it in our imaginations forever.

Ah well, at least we have all the merchandise! Time to put on my fedora and take my whip elsewhere. Or maybe go play with my Indy LEGOs.

P.S. INDY GETS MARRIED TO MARION. WTF IS THAT? HE CAN'T GET MARRIED! HE'S A BACHELOR! LOOK AT THOSE BLONDE STUDENTS!
P.P.S. I rest my case.

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Yes, lyrics. I know. Weird. We didn't know ourselves that the classic John Williams Indy theme song had lyrics, until we learned about it a few days ago in Alex's Tumblr page. According to Alex, Williams confessed in an Q&A with Radar Magazine that before he "composes a score he comes up with lyrics in his head first and then writes the music to them, even though he knows no one will ever hear the words." The iconic composer then went on to reveal the secret lyrics to Raiders of the Lost Ark to el Sr. Balk.

When asked about the veracity of this story, Alex declined to comment. The lyrics he posted sounded about right, but just a little bit off-beat at the end. I then chased the story like a fake LEGO boulder rolling behind an archeologist with a dog's name, and managed to get John Williams' assistant Alan Smithee to fax me the secret lyrics under condition of anonymity.

The lyrics are very similar, but the last verse of the first strophe is actually the real one. This updated version also includes more verses, as well as new references to the Soviets in the movie, and beloved teen star Shia LaBeouf.

We debated internally about publishing the story, and we finally decided to share them with you in this video, as a sing-a-long. I hope you sing them today in the theaters, and they stay in your mind for the next five days—at least, that's what happened with me.

Enjoy.

[NOTE: needless to say, we made this thing up so you can sing along in the movie theaters (in your mind, that is. Whoever sings this next to me in the theater today gets smacked. Hey, we named our dog Jones after Indy.]

Price: $20

Verdict: I've had this thing in my possession for a few weeks now, and I have yet to get bored with it. Sure, I may have a slight case of Peter Pan syndrome, but if you can't find ways to enjoy this thing, I feel for you. Have a friend with a nagging girlfriend? Pull out the whip. Underlings out of control? Pull out the whip. BDSM freak? Well...pull out the whip.

The whip is made of a foam-covered plastic base with an on/off switch, belt strap, and button for initiating sound effects. The whip itself is a soft-stuffed tube about three feet long (let's refrain from quoting Michael Scott here, okay?). When you press the button, it initially makes a whip crack sound. When you hold the button down, it begins playing the Indiana Jones theme and appears to have a motion sensor that reacts to wrist movement with sound effects, but it doesn't work very well. But a little wonkiness doesn't detract from the overall fun factor of this thing. I likes. A lot. [Indy Whip]

Most big fans of the series and Star Wars know that both R2-D2 and C-3PO appear in several occasions in Raiders of the Lost Ark. In the Well of Souls, which is the moment portrayed by this set, they appear in a post on Indy's right as him and Sallah remove the Ark.

Great detail from LEGO and good catch by Lindsay. [Thanks Lindsay]

7624 Jungle Duel
While Indy struggles to keep giant ants at bay (what? giant ants? For shame!), Irina Spalko (also known as Goddess Cate Blanchett) and Mutt (Indy's son) battle each other in an intense sword fight. Mutt barely avoids Irina's blade as she slices right through the table. Set includes Mutt and Irina minifigures with swords, two hungry ants, and fully equipped Indiana Jones with whip, hat and shoulder bag. 90 pieces for $9.99.

7625 River Chase
In a daring escape from the Soviets (not as bad as the Nazis, but we still hate them), Indy and Marion race off in an amphibious vehicle. But the Soviets are close behind in a boat of their own and are trying to recapture the pair with a net trap. Can Indy and Marion avoid them? (Can they? I don't care, as soon as we get Marion in the frame.) Set includes two Soviet soldiers and Marion minifigures and fully equipped Indiana Jones minifigure with whip, hat and shoulder bag. 234 pieces for $19.99.

7626 Jungle Cutter
Trapped in a makeshift hideout, Indiana Jones and Mutt must avoid the Soviet jungle cutter (can't wait for this one) as it slices down everything in its path. But armed with a bazooka (YES!), Indy is ready to fight his way to freedom. Set includes Dovchenko, two Russians, Mutt and fully equipped Indiana Jones with whip, hat and shoulder bag. 511 pieces for $39.99.

7627 Temple of the Crystal Skull
In the thrilling climax of their adventures, Indiana Jones and Mutt must discover the secret of the lost Temple of Akator (sounds like pain medication) before it falls into the hands of the dangerous Irina Spalko (she's Cate Blanchett, who cares? Kill me.) But first, they have to survive the many hidden perils of the ancient temple! 929 pieces for $79.99.

All of the sets will be available in May, when the movie debuts in theaters worldwide. [LEGO in Gizmodo]

UPDATE: Apart from the four new classic Indy sets in stores now, there will be four new sets based around the new movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This will be coming out in May. The four new movie sets closely replicate key scenes from the movie and introduce new characters into LEGO minifigure form. Funnily enough: Harrison Ford is and Alfred Molina are the only actors to become LEGO minifigs twice: Han Solo/Indiana Jones and Doc Octopus/Satipo.

There will be new sets based on another major, kick-ass movie: Batman, "We have four sets coming out in June. Three of the sets are based on classic Batman storylines, while the fourth set is linked to the new movie" LEGO spokeswoman Julie Stern told us, "and we're introducing another Batman villain to the LEGO universe." LEGO is also currently working on a life-sized Indiana Jones model that will be unveiled at the New York Toy Fair in February.

As for the current Indy sets, there are four models, from Raiders and Last Crusade, each with their own charm:

• The Indiana Jones and the Lost Tomb set shows the Well of Souls complete with the Ark of the Covenant. Sadly, there's no Marion (just saw her) Sallah or snakes. Asps. Very dangerous. You go first. For $19.99 you can't ask for more.
• Race for the Stolen Treasure includes the car and truck from Raider's road chase. Also a low price, and not a lot of complexity: $29.99.
• Temple Escape is the best one of the lot and sightly more complex. $59.99 to reproduce the gold idol temple from the beginning of Raiders, even with a mini-Alfred Molina. While all the rest are available now, the Temple will ship in February.
• Indiana Jones Motorcycle Chase gives you all the elements to reproduce the joust in the Last Crusade. And even while it's the cheapest set, at $9.99, the included Henry Jones minifig makes it priceless.

With those prices, they look irresistible for fans, if only to whet our appetites while waiting for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to hit in May. And if the movie sucks, I will be doing a fifth one called Indiana Jones and the Maze of the Millennium Falcons. [LEGO - Initial Indy sets post via Boing Boing Gadgets]