I just saw a selection of 30 dumb inventions in Life, and I couldn't resist picking my favorite ten. These things are so damn stupid they became obsolete before even becoming real products. It was hard to choose. After all, how could I leave out scientology nutcase L. Ron Hubbard and his Hubbard Electrometer, which in 1968 made him reach the conclusion that tomatoes "scream when sliced"?

See? Really hard.

Then I thought that these all looked weirdly familiar. I searched in Gizmodo, and instantly found their modern counterparts. Some of them make sense now, with current technology. Others, as you will see in the gallery, seem equally goofy. All of them, however, we can live without. Enjoy:

Clearly, humans are the only animals that trip twice over the same stone.

It's usually heartening to see a great mind recognize an error in judgment, or a personal accomplishment gone awry—that's humility, and we love it in our heroes. Sometimes, though, it's just depressing. Anyhoo! Here are eight inventors, technologians and scientists who've come to terms with what they've wrought. Or who've at least tried.

Invented by Vermonter Jason Starr, surf skiing was invented because of "Starr's belief that surfing and skiing share a bond as originals in the world of action sports, both rooted in rich cultures and ancient histories, and both fueled by timeless sources of peace and power-the ocean and the mountains. They co-exist harmoniously on the snow, and the relationship now extends to the surf." Sure. They kind of remind me of those street skis that old guys use to practice cross-country skiing in the summertime.

And while I'm sure these are pretty fun, I assume if you bring these out to a serious surfing spot you're just asking to get your face punched. [Stoke Report]

Way up. The answer? They were all the direct result of NASA products and research initially conducted for space travel.

The drill, for instance, was created in 1971, when NASA tapped Black & Decker to build a cordless, battery-power tool for lunar voyages and space walks. The smoker detector, on the other hand, was installed on Skylab in the 1970s to warn astronauts of mission- and life-ending fire. Finally, the LZR, long an antagonist to anyone racing against Michael Phelps in an Olympic pool, was created using materials developed by NASA to fight chafing on space walks and certain high g-force situations.

Radar magazine has a cool list of eleven more where that came from, including braces, swipe cards and even a rose-scented perfume. When you wear underwear in space for a month straight, things get stinky. [Radar via Neatorama]

At which point "honey" throws up and walks out on me. Again. Nevertheless, one 2-hour movie and a full stomach later, I'm sleeping like a baby, content with the knowledge that no un-popped kernels have infiltrated my digestive system, thereby ruining my evening.

More seriously though, dear readers, the guys at Stupid Inventions claim the vibrator is merely the motor unit from a massage pillow. Sure it is, fellas. Try using that line on your next date. [YouTube via Nowhere Else - Thanks, Zachary]

Using oral histories from those who experienced the creation and development of the integrated circuit, the Computer History Museum compiled a documentary on this invention that irrefutably changed the world. The year-long exhibit will feature examples of early transistors, the vacuum tubes they replaced, and early integrated circuits, as well as explaining who was behind the inventions, especially the so-called "Traitorous Eight" engineers that largely developed the IC back in 1959.

After departing from the Shockley Semiconductor Laboratory, engineer Jean Hoerni and the rest of the "Traitorous Eight" moved to Fairchild Semiconductor in 1957. There, Hoerni developed the planar process which would become the foundation for the integrated circuit. The planar process involves using an oxide layer to protect the joining of the p-n semiconductors on a silicon chip, named because of the flat surface in which it results. The planar process is more electrically efficient than the then-common method of stripping the oxide layer for fear of contamination, but more importantly, the design allowed for a complete circuit to be built on a silicon chip.

Later in 1959, fellow "Traitorous Eight" member Robert Noyce demonstrated that the combination of the oxide coating and the flat surface allowed for a complete integrated electrical circuit, with diodes, transistors, resistors and capacitors, to be built within a planar chip. Simultaneously, Jack Kilby of Texas Instruments independently developed a similar idea based on the planar process, though his was based on a germanium chip, rather than Noyce's silicon. This new integrated circuit, called the "monolithic integratic chip," is the basis for pretty much everything we love today, including computers, radio, television, audio equipment, cars and anything else that uses a microchip.

It's no exaggeration to call the IC an invention that profoundly changed the world. Microchip technology has exploded since its invention 50 years ago, and few (if any) other inventions have become so essential worldwide in such a short amount of time. The technology is kind of tough to wrap your mind around, but the Computer History Museum's exhibit sounds like an illuminating look at how Silicon Valley and our favorite hobby began. [Computer History Museum]

Basically, Conan said what we're all thinking: why do we need this stuff? He even got in a stab at Mays for his rivalry with the ShamWow guy. Love that Conan.

IBM picked up 4,186 U.S patents in 2008, while Microsoft won 2,030 and Intel earned a patriotic 1,776. The silver medal surprisingly went to Samsung, who earned 3,515. We would tell you to just give up if you're planning on inventing anything, since it's already been patented, and knowing the USPTO, they've awarded patents for broad, overly general and totally obvious ideas.

But there's hope—IBM says they're going to increase the number of inventions it takes to publishing annually instead of grabbing a patent for to try to spur broader, more open innovation. But likely that just means some asshole in Minnesota will try to patent the world's first supercomputer sex machine and deprive everyone of it instead of IBM. [Reuters]

At the top of the list is Marie Curie. Although she didn't actually invent radiation, she did totally die from exposure to it. We commend her for all the work she put into discovering new elements, but her plan for monetizing her findings—Marie Curie's Totally Safe Radioactive Anti-Wrinkle Cream—may have been a step in the wrong direction.

We would have liked the list to focus a bit more on newer inventors and their catastrophic discoveries. Real-life stuff similar to the cornholer cornballer on Arrested Development would have rounded out this top 10 nicely. [Listverse]

Here's the cheeky Paul Merton visiting Mr. Woo in 2007. Back in the good ol' days. Back when robots were free and weren't forced into slavery by their poor, destitute masters.

[Anonova]

I've got to assume that this thing was made for someone without use of their hands, such as a double amputee, as it certainly doesn't make the wiping process any more convenient. Furthermore, no germaphobe would accept the tradeoff of keeping clean hands for having a roll of feces-smattered toilet paper just sitting there behind their toilet. Why else would this thing exist? And really, the more I look at it the more I get confused about how exactly it functions. What about when you're actually going? Doesn't it get in the way?

Someone, please, step in and explain this to me. I'm having trouble here. [Make via Boing Boing Gadgets]

Here is the XM982 Excalibur precision-guided artillery projectile. Soldiers are able to program map grid coordinates into an Excalibur round and use GPS to guide it to target with pinpoint accuracy.
The Objective Gunner Protection Kit (OGPK) is a motorized, rotating turret mounted on top of Humvees and MRAP vehicles. According to the Army it offers protection from IED fragmentation and small-arms fire, includes transparent armor, a sling for the gunner, and super handy rear-view mirrors.
The HMMWV Egress Assistance Trainer (that's better known as "Humvee") is a mockup of a Hummer's cabin, and can be spun around to simulate an upended vehicle. Soldiers use this invention to practice disembarking from damaged or overturned vehicles before they're deployed. [CNET]

Thomas Jefferson, the man who wrote the Declaration of Independence, also brought us the automatic door, swivel chair and designed the first ever macaroni machine. Ben Franklin, while never president, is definitely the geeks' choice for the man who never was but should have been—I mean, faced with he or Al Gore, who would you vote for?—was even more prolific. Blame him for bifocals, lightning rods, glass harmonicas and the odometer, that little counter that racks up your car's mileage, although Franklin's version was designed for carriages.

Finally, we have President Lincoln, the only US President to have obtained a patent, for a device to lift boats over schoals, after a couple of incidents when traveling by boat, first in 1831, and then in 1848, while traveling home from Congress. The patent application reads: "Be it known that I, Abraham Lincoln, of Springfield, in the county of Sangamon, in the state of Illinois, have invented a new and improved manner of combining adjustable buoyant air chambers with a steam boat or other vessel for the purpose of enabling their draught of water to be readily lessened to enable them to pass over bars, or through shallow water, without discharging their cargoes." Babraham's design never saw the light of day, however. [Wikipedia]