UPDATE: Looks like there was a late entry to our list of current top spokesassholes: Miss Julia Allison has just signed a yearlong deal to peddle Sony's wares. About time that her attention-whoring went global! [Sony Insider via Gawker]

Thanks, Rob B. for the inspiration!

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Back and Worse Than Ever

Some of us were near tears when T-Mobile decided to drop Zeta-Jones as their official spokesasshole, but the good news is that she's back. The bad news is that as soon as we heard her nerve-grinding accent, we remembered that those were tears of joy.

Sir Richard Branson, Kind-Hearted Snob

It was difficult to deem Sir Richard Branson as a spokesasshole. He is such a nice man and only wants innovative technology to reach those from "all walks of life"—assuming that they make $40 million annually, of course.

Laptop Hunters Lauren, Giampaolo and Lisa

Lisa, Lauren, and Giampaolo are the biggest spokesassholes in the Laptop Hunters commercials. Lisa shatters eardrums with her exclamation of "WhaaaaAAAAaat?!?!", Lauren followed the ads up with claims that they were unscripted, and Giampaolo is just plain smarmy.

Acer Timeline's Metrosexual Model

It isn't the first time Acer has made questionable advertising decisions, but did they really have to hire Giampaolo's brother to model for the Acer Timeline?

Maybe one day he'll button up the shirt and put on some sunglasses that don't look like they're his girlfriend's. I hope he didn't quit his day job (waiter? male prostitute?) when he landed this gig, because it won't last long.

Verizon Probably Only Merged With Alltel To Get Rid of Chad

Verizon and Alltel may have merged, but we've still seen Chad's picture looming around Alltel's website. With his spiky blonde hair, laid back walk, and inability to take a hint, he's a true menagerie of what this gallery represents.

Wes Moss? Why, Microsoft? Why?

Zune Spokesasshole Wes Moss nearly broke our douche point scale. If you can stand watching this Zune spot, after those Laptop Hunter ads, you'll see why.

Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre's Monster Mess

Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine are two ridiculously wealthy guys who decide, in their spare time, to become even more wealthy by peddling some overpriced headphones. Even if you ignore the fact that they're distributed by Monster, and even if you admit that the headphones aren't that bad—there's no way the duo can't escape the spokesasshole brand.

Photo by jakeludington

Hi, I'm Justin Long, Spokesasshole Extraordinaire

It's not much of a secret that some of us here are Apple fans, but not even that stopped us from pronouncing Apple's "I'm a Mac" guy and his smug attitude and thinly veiled disdain for PC as spokesasshole material.

Tamara Hope in the Return of the Stoner Commercials

The Palm Pre commercials started off terribly and only got worse until we stepped in with a remix. Though since it seems that Palm was really giving a nod to Ellen Feiss of Mac Switcher fame with these creepy "What is she on and where can I get some?" commercials, we'll only rate actress Tamara Hope as half a spokesasshole.

Michael "AWESOME" Bay and Verizon FiOS

We can forgive Michael Bay for not sharing video footage of Megan Fox washing his car, since he at least had her show a bit of skin in Transformers 2. What we can't forgive him for his display of spokesassholery in this pitch for Verizon FiOS. By the fifth "AWESOME!" things turn from funny to "Please walk into the next exploding building, Michael."

Ashton Kutcher, Nikon's Smooth Operator

You've got to hand it to Kutcher. The man with a million Twitter sheep has risen from underwear model to annoying spokesasshole and GI Jane toy-boy. Though we can't help but see Kelso every time he's fumbling around on screen.

The original Lauren 2.0 spot's been pulled off YouTube, and in the re-cut version, the reference to the MacBook Pro costing two grand has been dropped (since "MacBook Pro," whatever that means now, starts at $1200). Not that it actually changes the intent of ad one bit, since Lauren 2.0 still manages to get in there, "It seems like you're paying a lot for the brand."

Which is all it needs to say, really, since that's what most people already think because of Apple's own success at positioning itself as a premium brand, even as they cut prices on basically everything they make.

Success is a bitch that way sometimes. [YouTube via AdAge via MacRumors]

Sure, it helps that Apple only sells two computers under $1000—the white MacBook and Mac mini—so if you get a Mac, it's probably going to cost over a grand. In fact, the average selling price of a Mac is $1400. But, consider that Apple claimed just 66 percent of the $1000+ market in the first three months of 2008, and 88 percent in May of this year.

It also means that people just aren't buying super tricked-out PCs—which is something Microsoft courted with its Laptop Hunters ads, showing how cheap PCs were compared to Macs. To wit, the average selling price of all PCs in June was precisely half that of Mac: $700. (For Windows notebooks, sans netbooks, the average selling price was $569.) Which suggests there are way more Laurens than Giampaolos in the world.

Update: It should be noted, however, that these numbers are for retail—not for business purchases or PCs people built themselves.

Of course, I would definitely prefer far more Laurens. [BetaNews via BusinessInsider]

And so we've been running these PC value ads. Just giving people saying, hey, what are you looking to spend? "Oh, I'm looking to spend less than $1,000." Well we'll give you $1,000. Go in and look and see what you can buy. And they come out and they just show them. Those are completely unscripted commercials.

And you know why I know they're working? Because two weeks ago we got a call from the Apple legal department saying, hey — this is a true story — saying, "Hey, you need to stop running those ads, we lowered our prices." They took like $100 off or something. It was the greatest single phone call in the history that I've ever taken in business. (Applause.)

I did cartwheels down the hallway. At first I said, "Is this a joke? Who are you?" Not understanding what an opportunity. And so we're just going to keep running them and running them and running them.

I actually do find that oddly satisfying, if Turner's telling the straight story about how it went down, even if, yes, MacBook Pros are the best value they've ever been, since it shows Apple as a bunch of whiners.

What's not so satisfying is that bit at the end essentially saying that they're going to run the Laptop Hunter ads until the utter end of time. Take the Seinfeld approach guys—not that one—and go out on top. Well, as "on top" as those ads ever were, anyway. [Microsoft via Ars]

I'm sure Mac fansites will point out the MacBook Pro she sneers at for being $2000 is two inches bigger than the 13-inch Dell Studio XPS she winds up with, and she should've looked at the regular MacBook, which starts at $999, close to what she pays for the Dell. But we all know that's not the point. It's a flame war, people—just one with a budget.

I liked the old Lauren better. [YouTube]

The ad has a Lauren-type actress give her list of specifications, and of course, bunch by bunch, the drab-suited PCs are disqualified until she gets to "something that works," at which point all the remaining PCs leave. Since we've been seeing some flames for criticizing the Laptop Hunters series, let me be one of many to say that I hate this and all other "I'm a Mac" ads. Sure, Laptop Series was kind of fluffy and without either substance or style, but at least it wasn't condescending and smug. Now, what say you, commenters? [Apple]

Why? Because it ultimately cheapens what it's promoting as a consequence. Zune 3.0 is fantastic in its own right—better than iTunes in many ways for music lovers—and Zunepass's 10 free songs a month is a legitimately brilliant stroke. This throws away everything that's great about Zune for some stupid price argument that's going to sway precisely nobody, since everybody downloads music illegally anyway.

How about just telling people what's great about Zune? That's what Apple does, and it seems to be working pretty well. (To clarify, I'm talking about the iPhone commercials.) [YouTube via Ars via Engadget]

"A PC is no bargain when it doesn't do what you want," Apple spokesman Bill Evans says. "The one thing that both Apple and Microsoft can agree on is that everyone thinks the Mac is cool. With its great designs and advanced software, nothing matches it at any price."

Kitty no likey! Reeow! [Business Week via MacRumors]

I guess that's what it takes to make Mac fanboys sleep at night—exploiting the even less fortunate. [LandlineTV via 9to5Mac]