Seriously, I love pearl G-strings, but that sex-less editing almost took my fetish away. How can anyone use the infinite power of this software to create this crap—then spend thousands of dollars publishing it in magazine covers, catalogs, product packaging, and online shops—is beyond me. Specially knowing that any of your Photobotch works have 100 times the quality of these commercial pieces. [Photoshop Disasters]

Of course it is! Because we all know that the key for a man's happiness is a penis as big as a bottle of wine with veins like lizards' tails. And here's a system that will get you that, according to the manufacturers. Really! It works! Ask Benny! And you can always use it as a real slingshot to hunt rabbits in the countryside. Get yours own for $69 (what else) on eBay. Hopefully unused or with every pubic hair removed. [eBay]

More Wrongmodos

[Zoo Today]

I don't know about you, but I think this beats the fridge with built-in beer draft and the all-in-one beer machine hands down. And it's fully compatible with the bikini bottle opener to boot.

[Bierstick via Liquor Snob]

Tenga Demo Video (Safe):

In fact, the two men were representatives from Tenga who spent the $20 entrance fee in order to conduct a "little research" into their new product. So, if you want to go pro with your masturbating hobby, you are going to need to get yourself a Tenga cup and practice, practice, practice. But that is what it takes to be a true champion—blood, sweat, and semen. So get cracking guys! We need to bring this title home to the USA next year! [SF Weekly via 3yen and Fleshbot]

[Copyranter and Ads of the World via Gawker]

No wonder she made our top 10 list of hot bloggers in 2006. [Clicknetwork via Fashion Funky—thanks Yash]

[AudioJunkies]

It's the love doll they never wanted you to know about! For years they've locked it away, kept it classified and tried to prevent man from enjoying extraterrestrial pleasure. Now you can experience what humans have fantasized about for decades...incredible sex with an alien! It's pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supples breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.

Suctioncupfingersthreeboobedpussymouthvinyl? I'll be there like shareware. Buying one now. Test with me, Addy, and possibly the dog, soon. [Sextoy via Nerd Approved]

For all those who were gagging to see a giant illuminated phallus, I apologise; it was a very mean trick. Graphic image aside, the Oral Sex Light will set you back $13.99, and mounts (ha) via a clip-on ear piece. The torch attached is completely flexible, meaning you can totally scope out those hard to find regions. Unfortunately, if you ever did try to wow a date with your I-come-prepared attitude, she'll likely be out of the door quicker than she could say, "What the hell was I doing there in the first place?" At that point, you'll have to make use of the Oral Sex Light on your own, which will be an even sadder and more twisted state of affairs than normal. You suck. [Nerd Approved]

Thanks again to everyone who entered!

[Thanks Steve!]

You've already seen the details. The FyreTV streams you DVD-quality adult IPTV from major studios, letting you enjoy content without having to store it locally. You've got three packages to subscribe with beyond the mandatory $9.99 monthly fee that gives you a certain bucket of minutes.

• Buying more on-demand minutes to use as you watch, which will be somewhere between $0.17 to $0.24 a minute.
• Buying a specific movie to get unlimited viewing.
• Buying a monthly pass to get unlimited access (for that month) to a specific studio's content, which gives you all the movies in their catalog. This will be somewhere around $24ish, depending on the studio.

The box performance was great. DVD quality video was good on the cheap Vizio set they were demoing it on. The remote control was super responsive, and when you queue up a video it streams incredibly fast (probably because of their setup on the floor, so we'll have to see how it performs in the real world when we do a hands-on at home).

Other great functionality include bookmarking, favorites, playback history, playlists, scene ranking (1 to 5 stars), combination tag searches (Blondes, Boobs, Blondes + Big Boobs were the ones we used) and easy fast forward/rewinding through scenes.

FyreTV's best news is that their box will have no stickers (as shown in the pictures) or markings on it, so you can hide it in plain sight next to your DVR and have your in-laws be none the wiser. Why watch porn on your little computer monitor when you can watch it on a 150-inch HDTV in your living room? Oh and if you've read this far, it means you're definitely interested in this thing. We're going to have a special code soon for Gizmodo readers that will get you into the expanded beta (they went from 5,000 to 10,000 beta units) ahead of everyone else. [FyreTV]

Photo credit: FyreTV

The exerciser can be used sitting, standing or lying down.

To use in a seated position: Sit on the edge of a chair and place the padded handles between your thighs with the plastic housing pointing down. Angle the vibrator upward so that it can be inserted or positioned for external stimulation. Squeeze thighs together and repeat.

To use lying down: Adjust the angle of the vibrator so it is pointing straight out and away from the curved handles. Lie on your back with your knees slightly bent and position the vibrator. Place the padded handles between your knees and squeeze. As the exerciser is compressed and released, the vibrator will move in an in-and-out movement.

To work out the upper body, stand holding the padded handles of the exerciser, with the plastic cap pointing down and the vibrator angled toward you and positioned between your legs. Squeeze the handles together and repeat.

I see the price of these things going up on eBay. Fast. [Homemade Sex Toys]

(WARNING: Before you click on the video, be warned. After a long time of warnings, this video review will inevitably show nudity and oral sex.)

iSteamy's installation is very easy. You only have to point Installer.app to their source repository (at http://repo.codegenocide.com). After refreshing your sources in Installer, you will see the option appear in the menu under the Adult category, like the video review shows.

The application itself is very simple. It's well structured into four sections, Pictures, Video, Audio and Steamy Room, which is like your pornoteque and uses your internal memory to store your favorites for later use. You will have to register to have access to save to your the Steamy Room.

It uses the same conventions and software components as the iPhone. The scrolling, video and zooming work exactly the same (although the latter is buggy at this point). It even has a five-star rating system, like iPod songs.

Is iSteamy worth the price of admission? It's a good first effort and, if you and your hand maintain a close, intimate relationship, it's probably worth it. For the rest of pervs out there, the free mode is fun enough to guarantee a try. [iSteamy]

(WARNING: Before you click on the video, be warned. After a long time of warnings, this video review will inevitably show nudity and oral sex.)

"Since the iPhone has the same music storage and playback capabilities as the iPod, we knew we had to make sure that all of our products functioned with the iPhone, too," said OhMiBod founder Suki. "When the iPhone is attached to your OhMiBod and you receive a call, OhMiBod will vibrate to the caller's voice, a feature that will truly revolutionize phone sex!"

In addition to the iPhone OhMiBod, there's also going to be smaller "nano" versions, which will retail for $69 and be available in pink, black, green and blue to match the new nanos. Look for hands on of this at AVN by either myself or Frucci (or myself on Frucci). [AVN via Fleshbot]

• The Danger Bomb Alarm Clock. This clock is sure to wake you up for the event, because it makes an exploding noise until you figure out how to turn it off. Sure, we could've gone with the Orgasmo, which makes the sound of a female orgasm, but that would probably just put us back in dream land. Besides, the Danger Bomb will serve as a good reminder of your own impending sensory explosion.

Now for the guys, here are some suggestions to get you going:

• A sex doll. For all those do-it-yourselfers (haha! get it?) with time on your hands, build a companion to cuddle with tonight. Make sure to hide it when company is around.

• The Blowjob Machine. If you don't have time to build but still crave the feeling of a robot lover, go with this gadget out of Japan. This thing looks more "vacuum cleaner" than "erotic," so be careful.

• The Rubbot. More mechanical goodness, the Rubbot is the most discreet male sex toy of the bunch. Too bad it's still in beta, because judging by the job it did on that beer bottle you wouldn't have any problem making it to the finish line in time.

• 1-900-Nerd-Girl. So you just can't seem to get *there* without a little dirty talk? How about a little nerdy talk instead? Hearing these ladies talk Star Wars and D&D will have your lightsaber up in no time.

• Condom applicator. If you'll be sharing in the global orgasm with that special someone, you're going to want one of these. Over-population is a major factor in world unrest, so don't make the problem any worse.

Ladies, don't think we forgot about you! We at Giz have heard know that the female orgasm is not a myth, and we couldn't leave you out of the festivites, so for you we present:

• A Vibrator. We have so many to choose from, but we decided to go with Inch Perfect, because it's huge, it precise, and you need to get the job done quickly.

• The Call Me Panties. Stick your cellphone in the Call Me Panties front pocket, put it on vibrate and set your alarm. That way, you'll be on your way to saving the world without leaving your bed.

• Nintendo Wii. How will a Wii help you reach orgasm, you ask? Just ask this woman, she seems to have it down.

And finally, for everyone:

• Open Mouth Ashtray. Phew, after all that hard work, you're probably going to want a cigarette. Nothing says "I just participated in a Global Orgasm" quite like this ashtray.

That should be enough to get you started on your journey to heal the world. With less than 12 hours until the big moment, you better start making plans. I know what I'll be doing at 1:08 AM EST; Hell, I probably would have been doing it anyway. [Global Orgasm, World Clock for 6:08 GMT]

It's called RubMyClit, and it's a webapp (that means everyone can see it in Safari, not just people who hacked their phones) that grades you on how well you stimulate a JPG on the screen. You have to use two fingers to scroll the thing (one finger will just make the screen go nuts), and it looks like some sort of lousy Leisure Suit Larry knockoff. The crazy clowns over at Fleshbot actually made a video of themselves using it. Best iPhone app ever or worst iPhone app ever?

And to our five female readers who are still with us, here's a great tool you need to show your partner.

Rub My Clit

You know who else was an Octopussy? That Roger Moore. [product via shinyshiny]

According to the app, the trademark rights would cover all of the following:

Entertainment Services namely providing a web site featuring photographic, audio, video and prose presentations featuring comedic captions regarding current events and online discussions and/or reviews of web materials of an adult nature; Entertainment services, namely, providing a web site featuring musical performances, musical videos, related film clips, photographs, and other multimedia materials; Entertainment services, namely, providing on-line reviews of photographs and /or web postings of an adult nature.

So let me get this straight – Fark wants to take a vague, general acronym they didn't create and receive the online rights to it? Hmmmm...good luck with that. I think I'll go and trademark LOL and BRB now. [Fark Trademark Application via Valleywag]

Best touch? Making a used popcorn container from the theater into sex receptacle. Those M&Ms never knew what hit them. – Jason Chen

Make Your Own Sexdoll [Homemade Sex Toys (NSFW) via Fleshbot (NSFW)]

The thruster attaches to a table or other solid surface and has a "Highspeed piston," "Powerful movement" and a "High quality stabilizer". It's essentially a masturbation machine you control with that hand lever, which varies speed and intensity depending on how you like it.

Kanjo Toys claims that it's fantastic because you don't have to buy new "onacups" to put in it, which we're guessing means you're going to have to wash this when you're done. No word on whether it's dishwasher safe.

Better shot after the jump.

– Jason Chen

Robotech Thruster masturbation machine [Kanjotoys]

Last time I was in Akihabara, I'd found a 7-story sex store filled with the usual DVDs, mags, fetish gear and cosplay outfits. After floor 2, my eyes just glazed over, senses overloaded. But you don't start hiking up Everest with the intent of half-assing, so I kept on going. On floor 5, I noticed what looked like a bright pink projector in the store window. But instead of a lens, the machine had a faux-flesh orifice with "Heaven" scrawled across the side. And instead of a lightbulb, it seemed to have a motor churning away, tirelessly. Then I noticed lots of disposable looking canisters around with different textured interiors. Aha, a bright pink japanese blowjob machine. Cool.

One geek thought occurred to me after the typical male ones: I bet this could be rigged into an automatic cellphone cleaning mechanism.–Brian Lam

Our horny brother Fleshbot enthuses:

The samples aren't quite as generous as we'd like, but what you can see is a cool blend of sexy, artsy, and naughty photos that demonstrate the beauty of what a good mix tape can do. Just make sure your battery is fully charged, because you do not want to run out of juice in the middle of your favorite, um... song.

Oh, and of course this whole affair is NSFW. – Jason Chen

MadameXpod [NSFW via Fleshbot]

It turns out every guy in the convention center wanted to test out his own personal equipment on the Samsung jungle set, taking those pics home for later, uh, use. So with apologies in advance to women's and animal rights groups, and with our apologies to our heathen gods for all the evil things we want to do to this young leopardess/temptress, we offer you this first photo, with the promise of many more-revealing ones after the jump (definitely NSFW):

Hey, what would the caption be for this one?

Take a gawk at the picture gallery below, which is certainly not safe for work:

If you're in the area, a spa resort near Tokyo is offering a chocolate bath for Valentine's Day, but it's not 100% chocolate—water is mixed with a cacao and bath powders, and then chocolate syrup is poured all over those lucky bathers. Reminds us of a high school hazing incident, but some might find the idea romantic.

For some reason, chocolate is associated with sin, so let's get to transgressing. More weird chocolate bathing ideas for Valentine's Day (NSFW):

This woman has just finished indulging in her own chocolate bath ritual, and it looks to us like she's having a pretty good time. Here's how you can join in the fun:

Fill up your bathtub with chocolate. Considering the average bathtub could hold about 36 gallons of chocolate syrup, that would cost you $515 if you bought 288 16-ounce cans of Hershey's chocolate syrup for about $1.79 per can. But wait. Buy a no-name brand in bulk for around $40 for a case of ten 96-ounce cans—you'd need 48 of those—so about five cases would do the trick. That would cost you $200. Hint: Warm up the chocolate before hopping in.

Here's another, even fancier approach, Frothy Hot Cocoa Bath Syrup from Marguerita Bloom. This is a body wash that purports to get you "squeaky clean and smelling deliciously chocolate yummy!" You might not be able to fill up a whole bathtub using these 8-ounce containers that cost $17 each, but it's your choice: buy about a hundred of these for $1700, or settle for a single 8-ounce container and apply it liberally.

If you can't fill up an entire bathtub with chocolate, how about these fizzing chocolate bath balls? Drop one in that tub and it sizzles like an Alka-Seltzer, working like epsom salts to sooth that itchy, sore skin. It's also infused with a bit of hemp oil, too, so maybe it'll let you catch a little buzz while you're at it.

After that bath, you might want to dry off with a chocolate towel, but these aren't actually edible—they're just chocolate-colored so all that chocolate you've been wallowing in won't leave a gigantic stain. These towels are also really good camouflage for those who tend to leave skid marks, and you know who you are.

After you're done toweling off, next you might want to slather on some Sinful Chocolate Body Toffee. Its made of lots of chocolate, cocoa butter, sunflower oil and some beeswax, and if you're not crazy about chocolate you can also get it in vanilla, coconut or raspberry.

If you're just not into taking baths at all, you might just skip all that and get her a chocolate thong. – Charlie White

So yeah, if you're into this sort of thing—we mean, who isn't—then you can safely see that Vista handles NINE different hentai games simultaneously. You can even use Flip3D to toggle between them. Hell, you can even control each one's volume independently. Sugoii!

– Jason Chen

Livedoor [via Kotaku]