Wait, wait, wait. WAIT. Is that girl actually doing her thing on the pooper? [Fashioncopious via BoingBoing]

[Oddity Central via Geekologie via Neatorama]

Those of you who hate the gallery format can see it all on one page by clicking here. Oh, and basically everything in this post is NSFW.

The Fleshlight: There are many flavors to the Fleshlight—you can now even custom design it to your specifications—but the base idea remains constant through all of them. It's a plastic flashlight you place your junk into. The sensation is halfway between your hand and a real person, which explains its popularity despite the extra preparation and cleanup. Your giftee will thank you for the experience, but curse you for the added work. $50-$90, depending on the type of Fleshlight and type of hole. [Review]

Form 2: For the ladies, you have the Form 2 from Jimmy Jane. It's a palm-sized vibrator that Fleshbot claims is basically the best vibrator around. The semi-discrete bunny-shaped body means it's up to your female (or male) loved one to figure out how they want to use it. $135. [JimmyJane]

FyreTV: The first set-top-box, all-in-one digital streaming solution to get porn from the internets onto a big-ass living room HDTV. It's not free, but the amount of variety included beats having to haul over to the adult video store every time your friend needs a new title for his DVD player. $10 a month, plus more for more credits. [FyreTV; Review]

Real Touch: It's like a Fleshlight that knows exactly what porn you're watching, and moves exactly as the person onscreen does. Fleshbot's review says it's pretty darn good, but due to technical problems with Windows 7—damn you Microsoft!!!—we haven't been able to test it out ourselves. We can say that it's like putting a football-sized piece of plastic up to your groin, but since it doesn't work yet, we can't say much else. Oh, and there's no Mac support. So make sure your recipient doesn't have a Mac (or knows how to use boot camp). $200, plus more for more minutes. [Real Touch; Fleshbot Review]

The OhMiBod: Yeah, it's the vibrator that works in sync with an iPod. This is the closest a person's going to get to actually making love with an Apple device without sticking it inside themselves. Plus, they get to hear their own music while they pleasure themselves. So, double bonus for that Apple fan on your gift list. $130. [Babeland; Review]

Mini DisplayPort to HDMI Adapter: And what if a person wants to get their porn onto their TV while still taking advantage of all the free adult content out there? Easy: just hook up a Mac to a TV with an adapter. It's easily cheaper than paying over and over for so-called premium content, seeing as any local BitTorrent site has lots of porn for your friend to slurp down. $70 [Kanex; Review]

Real Doll: It's old, in internet years, but no company has quite managed to get their product to a stage to rival the Real Doll. Yeah, it's a full body simulation of a woman, and it costs so much that it's unlikely that you're going to buy this for anyone but yourself. And even then, it's super unlikely, thanks to the price. But it is the closest you're going to get to being intimate with a robot in the next 10 years. $6000 [Real Doll]

Any iPhone porn app: Do you hate the person you're giving this to? Are you trying to drum up business for local optometrists? There are plenty of better, and LARGER, porn opportunities than trying to squint at something on an iPhone. Not to mention that these apps are all super crappy anyway. [iPhone NSFW]

All Giz Wants is our annual round-up of favorite gift ideas, including amazing attainable objects and a few far-out fantasies. We'll be popping guides catered to different interests several times per day for the next week, so keep checking back.

All joking aside, there really is a lesson to take away from the clip. Those silly oh-I'm-feeling-a-bit-naughty-this-morning pictures can come back to haunt you. Because once they're sent through MMS, emails, or instant messages, those snapshots are out of your hands and you're left wondering who might wind up seeing those pictures of you in nothing but lacy stockings.

So to sleep better at night, just watch who you send pervy pictures to, keep your face or particularly identifying characteristics out of the snapshots, and don't forget about clearing the EXIF data. That's all there is to it, so be safe, kiddies.

That answer is unclear. Fleshbot tests it out and says that although it has its downsides—PC-only, lots of setup and cleanup, plus it's super expensive—the actual sensation (or sensations, for different orifices) is fantastic.

Head over to Fleshbot (NSFW) to see their review. We'll be covering this as well, from a more technical view to explain how it works, how they get the video synced up and how well it performs as a gadget; albeit a gadget for your penis. [Fleshbot (NSFW)]

Mr. Skin has mentioned this new ability before the expose in the current issue of The New Yorker, including in an episode of Doug Benson's fantastic podcast, I Love Movies. Basically, the higher resolution makes what was once a blur visible. In Fleshbot's words:

Where once there was but a dark shadow, now we're presented with bush (or at least more boobage). Where...no, actually, that's pretty much the end of the story.

We certainly hope Mr. Skin is getting a kickback from Sony for all the Blu-ray promotion. His love of the format has certainly gotten me more interested in this wondrous bush-revealing technology. [Fleshbot]

Keep it tasteless 1984. I've no idea what fine publication this appeared in, but it looks like the sales came out of Mission, Kansas. And no, the 1800 number no longer works.

How much would this ultimate conversation piece have set you back? Just $75, including 3-6 week shipping. That's an insane $150 bucks today. I wonder how many they sold... [Paco Camino and LiveJournal via CopyRanter]

Designed by Lucia Lorio, this fashion line is dubbed "Find Me If You Can." But how could you not find someone when they're running around with a pager-sized GPS device sewn into a bodice? While the fact that it would be impossible to not notice the gadget makes me laugh off the whole paranoia of jealous men using this as a sneaky way to keep tabs on their lovers, I still think it's a ridiculous design. Why you would spend between $1200 and $1600 for something intended to be ripped off a body. [The Age via GizmoWatch]

As you'll see, existing innovations take our tongues, fingers, vulvas and penises to the next level. But the future of sex augmentations appears to lie in biometrics and in networking. Soon toys will learn from and interact with our bodies' responses, with or without a partner, while teledildonics will help people separated by vast distances get closer (and wetter).

Tongue, Extended
Whoever made women's genitals certainly made them tricky to stimulate—especially orally. Enter the Tongue Joy, a vibrating tongue enhancement to help human tongues do what no human can in terms of sensation and endurance. Strap the silicone-banded vibe on your tongue (or, if your tongue is pierced, use the barbell piercing attachment) and proceed with awesome. It's battery operated and comes with multiple band sizes in case you want to strap it around something bigger. Four silicone sleeve attachments enhance the size and texture of the vibrating yummy-ness. Lovely for oral sex on a man, too, particularly those who are into hummers that aren't cars.

Bionic Fingers
The vibrating three-finger power pack and glove by Fukuoku enhance the size and function of one's digits, transforming your fingers into vibrators that run at up to 45,000 vpm (that would be vibes per minute). They're more particularly cyborgy than most sex toys, if that's your thing. (Ahem, Malebots subscribers!)

Unnatural Male Enhancement
The Ride On (pun intended) blows most penis extenders (pun not intended) out of the water. It's more comfortable, less bulky and stays on in more positions than other models—all while fulfilling its purpose of enhancing the size and function of a man's penis. Function? Yes. Some men use these not for length or girth but to keep having sex during half time. Available from Vixens Creations, the Ride On gets men around that annoying "refractory period" that is the curse of many a man's sexistence. It's also useful for men with severe or chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) who want in.

Electronic Condoms?
Given the perception that condoms may reduce sensation, sex-loving scientists have been proposing vibrating condom designs since at least the 1990s. Given the enormous improvements in vibrators since then, it's unclear what a vibrating condom—if ever brought to market—would ultimately look like. Will it have an awkward external wire and power pack like the one in this 1995 patent image? (Here's a PDF of the actual patent.) Or will it be built into the condom itself, as thin as a BandAid, as in my dreams? The design will have to depend on functionality: The vagina is not as sensitive as a woman's vulva (clitoris, labia, etc) so the value of a vibrating shaft may be more for a man than his partner. That is, unless it vibrates at the base by a woman's vaginal opening or clitoris, like the Trojan Vibrating Ring or the Bo—a favorite.

The Hydraulic Penis
As potentially borgy as it is, this pre-Viagra augmentation is for now only available for men with ED that is unlikely to respond to medication or sex therapy. This type of penile implant lets men pump themselves into an erect state whenever they want—note that pump in the scrotum—and deflate on command. There's none of those scary erections lasting longer than 4 hours that we hear about in commercials starring Bob Dole. Though many men may dream of having this much control over their erections, the ones who use this do it as a last resort. Once it's been in use for a while, some men lose their natural erectile reflex because their body no longer has to work at it. Moral of the story: Enjoy what you've got.

Hymen Again
Fake hymens give the illusion that one is going where no man has gone before. One option is a hymenoplasty—a surgical procedure that "restores" a woman's hymen. This is done only rarely in the US, but is performed increasingly in other countries, often for women who who feel they need to prove their virginity to their fiancé or his family lest they risk shame or, scarily, even violence. Sometimes, the operation is requested by women who want to give their partner the "gift" of taking their virginity, like as an anniversary gift (for serious—and to think I'd go with golf clubs or a Garmin).

There is a mail-order product that a woman places inside her vagina which simulates the loss of virginity, fake blood and all. Gigimo's Artificial Virginity Hymen, has come under fire by some Egyptian politicians, who even called for a ban on it. Meanwhile, women everywhere are still calling for an end to practices that insist they "prove" their virginity to anyone or anything. On a different note, a quick word to Gigimo: When you write that you can "have your first night back anytime," does that include the awkward fumbling, 20-second staying power, and the two weeks of worrying about being pregnant?

Biometrics: Gadgets That Get You
I've seen (dreamed?) the future of sex toys and It. Is. Awesome. Ideas are swirling about how to create sex toys that rely on digital biometrics. No, we're not talking fingerprint-activated toys that prevent women's husbands from getting curious when they're home alone. We're talking about products that respond to vaginal temperature, pelvic contractions leading up to orgasm, heart rate, even pelvic blood flow. Sexual Aids of the Future may be able to learn a person's sexual response and alter stimulation patterns based on the data.

Maybe there will eventually be a gadget that will help men to last longer (so long, baseball!) or women to come more quickly. Maybe it will build sexual tension in such a lovely way that pleasure and orgasm are on the "better than average" side of the mountain more often than not. The technology is there, the ideas are there, all it takes is execution, I'm betting sooner rather than later. When the day of biometrically enhanced stimulation comes, I guarantee we will wake ‘n gadget with more than our iPhones.

Teledildonics: Long-Distance Yearning
Though most sex toys enhance in-person play, some toys facilitate sex between people across the miles. Take the PenisTron, for example, which looks and probably feels (thanks to vacuum effects) like a Fleshlight version of a vagina—and it can be controlled, tightened or slowed to a seductive drag by a man's partner out in the ether to simulate the two of them having sex.

There's also the Communication Hole Rider (which involves vacuum effects) and the Joystick (vacuum effects on the penis and a joystick up the butt)—all which can help to connect two people for interactive sex play.

It's not sex with a toy; it's sex with a person via a toy: Big difference. Sure, you miss out on the kissing. (The mostly male sex toy designers never seem to create toys that make out with you, except for some freaky robot girlfriends.) On the other hand, there's no risk for infection or pregnancy when you're doing it teledildonically.

My dream for teledildonics is that we eventually fine tune toys to produce more variety and transitions. IRL sex tends to move, for example, from sucking (vacuum effects) to licking (hey there, Sqweel) to mouth kissing (freaky robot girlfriend) to intercourse (vacuum again) to hand play (toned down version of the Fukuako glove) or whatever else you're into (furniture play?). And if it were me playing with a partner over the internet I'd want to touch, to kiss, to lick, to play in varied teasing ways—not just yank their junk with the PenisTron (though it's a good start). Who's with me?

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It's about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature's ultimate machine.

Sad you missed it? Yeah, us too. It (along with Giz Gallery) is indicative of the type of events we'll be doing more of, so don't worry about it if you missed this one. We'll have lots more coming up with glamorous people, exciting tech and good times all around. To see the recap on Fleshbot, hit up the link. And yeah, that link's NSFW too. Dude, it's Fleshbot. [Fleshbot]

I just really need to know whether the voice over guy or the girl with the measuring tape are included with the purchase or sold separately.

The Form 2 has been designed by Fuseproject's Yves Behar in collaboration with sex toy firm JimmyJane's Ethan Imboden. According to JimmyJane, however, it is a rabbit, not a spaceship. Their waterproof toy—made with phthalate-free platinum silicone and stainless steel—has dual motors powering its "powerful vibrating ears." It has five power levels and four digital vibration modes, and it's charged using a base with no cables whatsoever.

I like their suggested list of uses. It made me hungry and gave me a tingling morning sensation at the same time. [JimmyJane via fuseproject via Dezeen]

There are dozens and dozens of pictures of tits and arses shamelessly pressed against copy machine glass over at Vice, but I've sifted through them to pick out some prime examples of office pornography and the nine corresponding basic lessons about life.

Now that I've shown you a few lessons found in this copy machine mischief, go see the rest of the photos at Vice. I want a report of what else you learn on my desk by tomorrow. [Vice — Thanks, Joel!]

I have preserved the lyrics of the opening song for posterity's sake:

On your mark, get set!
We're riding on the internet!
Cyberspace, set free, hello virtual reality!
Interactive appetite! Searchin' for a website!
A window to the world, got to get online!
Take a spin, now you're in with the techno-set!
You're goin' surfin' on the internet!

Elmore Leonard once said that a writer only gets ten exclamation points to use in his life, so he'd better use them wisely. I just used eight and I am 100% confident that it was the right decision. I love this video more than Steve Jobs loves turtlenecks. The world is a sunnier and happier place with this video in it. Enjoy your night. [Videogum]

"Hack Days" are intended to celebrate creativity as developers race to create Web apps in less than 24 hours. And past events have had performances from Beck and Girl Talk. But hiring go-go dancers isn't exactly going to attract more women coders.

It's not much worse than some of the booth babe demonstrations I've seen, though. And don't tell anyone, but I'm a fan of those gals. [Yahoo Developer Blog via Simonwillison.net]

Sorry
I wanted to acknowledge the public reaction generated by the images of female dancers at our Taiwan Open Hack Day this past weekend. Our hack events are designed to give developers an opportunity to learn about our APIs and technologies. As many folks have rightly pointed out, the "Hack Girls" aspect of our Taiwan Hack Day is not reflective of that spirit or purpose. And it's certainly not the message we want to send about our values here at Yahoo!. Hack Days are about making everyone feel welcome, including women coders and technologists.

This incident is regrettable and we apologize to anyone that we have offended. Rest assured, it won't happen again.

This weekend, I scored big time. First, I found a red Gone-with-the-Wind-ish petticoat in a vintage shop. Then, I arrived home to find the Sqweel – a brand new, pre-release, revolutionary, wow-factor sex toy – waiting for me in a stack of mail. The good news? The Sqweel is orgasmic-ly awesome. Even better? As of 12:01am today, it is officially available to the rest of you.

How Does It Work

As the name suggests, the Sqweel merges the wheel (one of humankind's greatest inventions) with sex (one of humankind's greatest pleasures). Except instead of typical wheel spokes, it turns a series of tongues – 10 tongues, actually – using 3 speeds. Let me repeat: there are TEN TONGUES. It's like group oral sex with everyone somehow fitting in between your legs. Or oral sex with an extremely talented and eager lover.

The Sqweel is a remarkable sex toy designed by an Irishman (and animator) named Trevor Murphy who won LoveHoney's Design a Sex Toy competition a few years back. This fact gives me tremendous hope that other animators, engineers and people who sit with their computers or graphics tablets all day will soon turn their talents to advance sex toy design and innovation. If not for me, then for the love of sex. Please?

Though not a vibrator, the folks at LoveHoney suggest (and I agree) that while vibrators can certainly contribute to highly pleasurable sex play, there's something to be said for non-vibrating play that promotes slow yummy build-up, much as oral sex does, and that perhaps leads to an orgasm that leaves one feeling that curious mix of satisfaction and craving more.

The Rundown

These are the key points about the Sqweel, aside from the 10-tongue 3-speed yum:

• Materials: The tongues are made of silicone (easy to clean, non-toxic awesomeness) while the black compartment is made of soft plastic.

• Hygiene: The tongue component can be removed from its holder for easy cleaning of both parts.

• Power: What does it run on, you ask? (Aside from the Grace of the Sex Gods). Three AAA batteries. I would have preferred AA batteries rather than the AAA batteries that few people keep lying around the house (whereas, if needed in a pinch, AA batteries may be scrounged from TV remotes or Flipcams).

• Cost: At £34.99 UK pounds (and yes, they ship to the US in only a few waiting-with-bated-breath days), I find the price fair even after the conversion to USD. Especially if you want to switch out your vibrator from time to time, gift your partner with a tongue that doesn't stop or give yourself a break from lockjaw.

• Endurance: No more lock jaw! Or at least you get a break. The Sqweel is not intended to replace oral sex, nor should it (after all, oral sex can be lovely, intimate and passionate). But it may offer an occasional alternative, or complement, to oral play, which is especially useful for partners whose tongues, jaws, necks or lower backs get sore from extended oral play.

• Single or doubles? Both. The Sqweel can easily be used privately or with a partner. It's comfortable to hold in one's own hand during self-pleasure of one's outside parts (please do NOT try to insert all the way in the anus, lest I recount one man's salad tongs incident). When pleasuring your partner, it's not so bulky (only 4.5 in X 4 in X 1 inch at its thickest) as to block your view.

• Education: Similar to the Sasi, which also mimics oral sex, women who would like to learn to orgasm from oral sex may find it helpful to practice with the Sqweel.

• Lube: Due to the Sqweel's silicone components, silicone lube is a no-no. Instead, try a water based lube applied directly to your or your partner's body as: (1) there are too many tongues to put lube on every single one and (2) I could easily see the globs of lube go flying as the tongue spokes go round and round and no one needs lube on their ceiling.

• Convenience: Now you can provide your partner with oral pleasure via the Sqweel while simultaneously kissing each other, sitting back and watching, talking dirty, or breathing warm air on your partner's genitals.

• Conversation: If your partner is using the Sqweel on you and you ask him or her a question, your partner can actually answer you rather than making that awkward "mwawahwah" sound that people make when they try to speak while performing oral sex.

The Experience

I found that holding the Sqweel steady and straight (aimed perpendicular at one's body) was the best strategy – leaning it to one side or the other, as one might do with a typical vibrator, sometimes caused uncomfortable feelings due to the toy's edges pressing against fairly sensitive parts. Try exploring the low, medium and high settings – for example, using the low setting to build arousal and the medium or high settings to up the intensity or as one approaches orgasm (if that's your thing). You might even try turning the tongues upside down for a modified version of Sqweel play stimulation.

In regard to positions, one can lay back and enjoy self-directed or partnered stimulation OR you can prop it like some do with the Fleshlight (e.g., between sofa cushions, between the mattress and box springs or in a sneaker). The Sqweel can be used to stimulate men's or women's genitals though I don't recommend it for internal anal stimulation lest it possibly get "lost" (and not lost in translation, which I just watched again late last night).

Please be careful how you hold it! In some hand positions, one's fingers can get caught in the compartment and stop the movement of the tongues. This happened to me once or twice. It didn't hurt, but just wanted to throw that out there in case you are used to moving your hands along with your toy of choice. Or if you have particularly long labia or hair down there that may possibly be an issue too.

The future

The folks at LoveHoney have said that they are planning to roll out different "attachments" in time – so if you decide to try to Sqweel, there should be even more to come. Personally, I would like to see a Sqweel iPhone app. It doesn't have to vibrate like the fancy MyPleasure MyVibe app, it just has to have a great visual of rotating tongues in which the user can control the speed of vibration.

As it is, however, I love it. It's yummy. The Sqweel is a very innovative sex toy. If you try it, please let me know what you think – I always enjoy hearing and learning about others' perspectives and experiences with sex and, in particular, with sex toys.

10 tongues. TEN. The only thing better would be 11. Or 10 plus chocolate.

Silicone material

Comes apart for easy cleaning

Unlikely to produce Fleshlight-furniture-ish shame spiral during use, storage or cleaning

Comfortable to hold

Easy to store in a nightstand or sock drawer

Requires three AAA batteries (a con in my household given that I mostly keep AAs on hand, but may be fine in yours)

Looks like a tape measure

Only 3 speeds. Given how women and men vary, I'd have gone with 5 or 7.

Dr. Debby Herbenick, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, is the Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion in the School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation at Indiana University (IU) where she is a Research Scientist. She is also a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction where she writes (and hosts audio podcasts of) the Kinsey Confidential column and coordinates educational programming. She has a PhD in Health Behavior from IU, a Master's degree in Public Health Education (also from IU) and a bachelor's degree in psychology from the University of Maryland, College Park. In addition, she is certified as a Sexuality Educator from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

Debby writes regular sex columns for Men's Health magazine, Time Out Chicago magazine, Velocity, Cheeky Chicago, Psychology Today and she has also written for Glamour magazine.

Gallery updated with posts from Debby showing the scale of the Sqweel.

Dr. Herbenick says that the Sqweel couldn't be any better unless they pushed it up to 11 tongues, Spinal Tap-style. Girls, time for a new toy in your arsenal for just $55 plus shipping from distant Albion. [LoveHoney]