"It only took a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realize I had been living a lie, " said a visibly emotional Armstrong, addressing reporters at his home. "It has become painfully clear to me that on July 20, 1969, the Lunar Module under the control of my crew did not in fact travel 250,000 miles over eight days, touch down on the moon, and perform various experiments, ushering in a new era for humanity. Instead, the entire thing was filmed on a soundstage, most likely in New Mexico."

"This is the only logical interpretation of the numerous inconsistencies in the grainy, 40-year-old footage," Armstrong added.

About bloody time, Neil. Now, we only need to uncover where Elvis is hiding, and my life will be complete. [The Onion]

That mango video actually saved me a ton of time, since I used to just slice willy-nilly and end up with mismatched pieces and/or a dulled knife from trying to slice through the stone.

This one's great: Mario Batali discusses the sauce-to-pasta ratio, reminding us that the sauce should never get in the way of the natural flavor and texture of the pasta.

And for those who doubt—I loathe Gordon Ramsay's cooking shows, but his scrambled eggs are excellent (even if they take a freaking hour to cook). For seven more, head over to Lifehacker. [Lifehacker]

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

Like all the best Onion pieces, this video takes the bizarre and scary concepts we ignore despite being right in front of our faces, and spells them out in blunt, hilarious language. As the "Google Exec" says, "If you don't want to give us complete access to your most private thoughts and feelings, that's fine! You can just toil on the hinterlands, and die young."

But my favorite part has to be the consistent juxtaposition of Google's bright happy basic colors on all the terrifying privacy guards and equipment. On the other hand, even if this horrible airless prison was real, I'd probably still get excited about the next Android phone. You win, Google. You win everything, ever. [The Onion]

They mention Sony by name, but I don't think Sony is worse than the majority of the industry. I mean, Sony's better off under Sir Howard Stringer than they have been in terms of software and formats, so they shouldn't take it personally. Sony aside, if this piece doesn't have a ring of truth around it regarding the majority of the gadget-making industry, I don't know what does. [The Onion]

[Onion News Network]

Think about it. The more all these people work in all those weird countries, the more clothes there will be, and the cheaper the manufacturing will result. That means increased profit margins for manufacturers, free entertainment for those workers/slaves/kids slaves no matter where they are, and exactly the same quality for your jeans, shirts, jackets, and sneakers, at the same price.

See? Everyone wins! [The Onion]

Apparently, the news ticker also pointed out that the new iPhone will have a 37-foot screen, but an official channel representative has confirmed to us that this was just a typo: "I think the guys from the news ticker really meant 3.7 inches," the TV station's night janitor said on a phone interview.

In relation to these breaking news, Jason Chen—Gizmodo's senior associate editor—pointed out that he didn't want to be disturbed while he was playing GTA IV. "Frack off!" he declared. [The Onion]

The Onion