Admiral Piett assured Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger that concerns the Death Star's weapon systems would wreak havoc on much of the state were without merit, stating that damage to the city's outlying areas would be minimal. Reached for comment from his bunker, Mayor Gavin Newsom pleaded to baffled reporters, "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope." Rebel forces have yet to respond to demands for their unconditional surrender. [Current via Presurfer]

His Holiness is, apparently, satisfied with the purchase of the Sunnyvale, CA. smartphone manufacturer, and was looking forward to working with the current board of directors to expand Palm's user base as soon as possible. "With a potential market of 1.131 billion Catholics in the World and countless others up there, we are confident we can quickly expand the company's user base, leveraging their technology to offer new real-time confession services, virtual baptisms, and get more and more people in direct contact with God every day," Pope Benedict XVI declared to over 300 journalists, today in Rome. "Besides, we have to stop the Anti-Christ. Yes, you know who I'm talking about. The one with the black turtleneck and his false JesusPhone."

Asked about the role of Palm's next -generation operating system in their plans—which has hit delay after delay in recent years—His Holiness admitted that the development team was in a bit of a rut. "Yes, we are going to need a miracle to get it out of the door, but I'm confident we will be able to arrange something on that front," Pope Benedict XVI said while winking repeatedly at the press corps, making everyone a little bit uncomfortable.

For Palm, the deal with the Vatican may be their last chance in an increasingly competitive market: "being surrounded in the smartphone sector by heavyweights such as Apple and RIM, the Holy Church may be their only path to salvation... wait... hahahaha... see what I did? Path to salvation! Get it? Hrmm... never mind" declared Ryan Block, Editor-in-Chief of Engadget and rumored future CEO of Motorola. However, asked why the Head of the Church had finally decided on Palm instead of another handset manufacturer, Block added that it didn't make much sense. "Really, these people don't have a clue about what they are doing. Infallible? Heck, I think they may need a new CEO themselves," he said, just before walking out of the phone booth, grinning mysteriously, and, according to sources, muttering "Pope Block? Ryan Pope? Pope Ryan? I wonder what would look better on my business cards."

The final price represents just a $2 premium over Palm's current $5.80, although Securities and Exchange Commision representatives are now studying the value of the souls. "Given Wall Street's deficit in that department, they may represent a hidden value that needs to be taken into consideration," an SEC spokesperson declared, after his fifth drink in a Via Veniero café.

God was unavailable for comment.

NOTE: In case you are wondering, this is all fake—although Palm shareholders may be wishing the contrary. [PC World—Picture courtesy of Andy J.]

Apparently, the news ticker also pointed out that the new iPhone will have a 37-foot screen, but an official channel representative has confirmed to us that this was just a typo: "I think the guys from the news ticker really meant 3.7 inches," the TV station's night janitor said on a phone interview.

In relation to these breaking news, Jason Chen—Gizmodo's senior associate editor—pointed out that he didn't want to be disturbed while he was playing GTA IV. "Frack off!" he declared. [The Onion]

BSG Spoiler List

• Lightsabers will debut this season.

• Cylons build a fully armed and operational battle station. From a distance, it looks like a moon.

• A Colonial Raptor lands in a new planet and one of Galactica's pilots gets attacked by some kind of bug that attaches to his face.

• Galactica flight deck crew install a new weapon in a Viper apparently called "Death Blossom."

• Galactica has a problem with its heating system, but another Colonial Raptor lands in a forest planet to discover a large population of small, bear-like creatures living on trees. They kill them all and make nice coats for everyone in the ship. Colonist rejoice. Viewers too.

• In the final episode, we discover that President Roslin is really a lizzard with fake skin (that was a given, quite frankly.)

• Galactica then arrives to Earth, only to discover a world full of monkeys. They also kill them all.

• In the final scene, Starbuck and Apollo discover the hand and the head of big woman statue, made out of copper, coming out of a beach's sand. They don't know what the frack that means, but finally make love next to it.

• Starbuck discovers she's Apollo's sister.

Frack! Shine a Light and now this. Adrenaline is pumping out of my ears. [Video from io9]

"Heck yeah!" Apple CEO shouted at a reporter. "We can't wait to see what our great clients and fantastic developers can do with that. Hahahahaha. Ha. OK, maybe we don't actually want to see it, but you know what I mean." Jobs said before leaving the room with a sightly pale green face, mumbling something that sounded remarkably similar to "no more cocktails made by Phil in the morning."

According to sources, testing of the new system just finished a few days ago directed by Peter "Pit" Pinkerton (pictured above). He was the head of the test team in the London Apple Store at Regent Street.

Asked about how the system worked by a Daily Mirror reporter at his home in Islington, the octogenarian porn expert declined to comment under a non disclosure agreement with the Californian company. He only muttered "hehehehe. That Steve," before closing the door of his beige one bedroom flat. It's rumored that Mr. Pinkerton was also a contributor to Gizmodo's The Most Disgusting and Gross Tech Gear Gallery Ever and a personal friend of Jason Chen.

Jason Chen declined to comment for this article, citing the same NDA with Apple. [Flickr via iPhone Savior]

Notice: for the slower kids, yes, this is a sillypants post.

"We are not ruling out other possibilities," said LAPD captain Mike Furillo, "there's the microwave, the gas oven, the hairdryer, the water boiler, the butler and that huge stash of MDMA and Xanax." He then proceeded to show the press what appeared to be sightly burned leather gloves in a plastic bag. "And then we have these. We found them in the living room with the initials O.J. on them. Can you believe it? Can you see the pattern here? Can you? Huh? Huh?" while winking repeatedly at the press waiting outside Hello Kitty's apartment block.

Japanese-born Kitty, 34, whose real name was Janice Lindeblower, was found naked, her body charred on the kitchen floor next to dead boyfriend Badtz Badtz Maru, 31, who had the same injuries, according to LA County coroner Jim Exposito. Both were pronounced dead at the scene. Asked about the possible cause of death, Exposito said that "the first clues point out to an electrical problem. Apparently the microwave went into some kind ultra-powerful cycle. Almost demonic. Yeah. That's it. I bet they were demons or something." According to Engadget editor Ryan Block, this is highly improbable: "a non-ionizing 2.45 GHz electromagnetic waves emitter consumer-oriented device like this won't kill people unless their cavity magnetrons have been tampered with, for what the IEEE specifies as military radar definitions, that is, 30 to 300GHz waves. These guys need to learn how to do their jobs."

Two cross-sections from Hello Kitty autopsy. One with roasted pineapple. Gross.

Famed Hello Kitty expert and Digg editor Kevin Rose was sad to hear the news. "I'm sad to hear the news," Rose said via radio-link from his yacht in the Mediterranean, "my story with Kitty goes a long way back, even if our relationship went a little cold when she met that penguin. No pun intended."

In a phone call later today, close friend of Kitty and LOLcats Inc.'s VP of Marketing Lady Fatouche declared: "o the tearz. Firs Chandler now Kitty. Wear iz we goin to do wiz no Kitty? Dis terribl sad newz. Terribl."

Hello Kitty left no heirs to her $58 billion fortune, composed of several estates, intellectual property portfolios, Apple stock and, reportedly, the biggest collection of pink sex toys in the world. According to unnamed sources, erotic novels auteur Jason Chen, who had a brief affair with la Kitty during the '90s, may claim his rights over her assets. "Or at least, her sex toys collection," Mr. Chen said in a note sent from his San Francisco, California, 5,380-square-foot triplex bachelor pad. "And her bras." [Hello Kitty Hell]

• Ejects random F-15 Eagle National Guard pilot currently flying over the US.
• Activates road speed bump.
• Launches Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles while playing War Games with demented mainframes.
• Don't make war, make love and launch giant dildos instead. (NSFW)
• Fires up the farter-burner in jet-propelled toilet.
• Ejects Blu-ray and HD DVD players and turn TVs off at boring consumer electronics conventions.
• Launches space fighters in the middle of the desert. Then press again to see them self-destruct mid-flight.
• Kicks bad Imperial fake rock bands off the stage.
• Remotely makes Steve Jobs said "Boom!" at will during keynotes and events.
• Launches squirrels into oblivion.
• Activates self-destruction function in Manila envelope.
• Triggers portable secret RDF unit, making everyone 1.5 miles around you to fall in love and go to the store to buy one.
• Provokes fanboy orgasm. (NSFW)
• Provokes Slut Machine an orgasm. (NSFW)
• Provokes Slut Machine's fanboys an orgasm. (NSFW)
• Forces internal battery to self-destruct, eliminating the need to change it.

The SuperDrive eject thing? It's just a smoke screen I tell you, a smoke screen! So there you go, another rumor debunked. Got any other action? Post it in the comments. [Gizmodo Macbook Air coverage]

"The Emperor just kept trying to force my hand over some, mostly musical, issues... like the Death Star's muzzak." Lord Vader said in an exclusive interview to the Dyersburg's Rock Scene Monthly, "I was like, Palp, mate, you just can't play f*cking Celine Dion all day! It's bad for the troops! Put some Led Zep, dude!" Lord Vader also pointed out that the Santa Claus affair was the last drop. "He wants to replace him with Michael (Jackson) next year. Imagine that, that guy. In red velvet. And with a line of kids waiting to sit on his lap. That's trouble, I tell you. Big trou-ble," he remarked. "Anyway, I'm looking forward to playing guitar with the guys back at home."

Brian Lam, Gizmodo editor-in-chief and reputed banjo player, said that Vader's music skills were strong but he needed to go easier on the solos. "Yeah, Darth kind of rocks. It's just when he gets into one of his Pink Floydish solos... it's like, yo, Darth, dude, stop it already!" he declared while eating a lasagna and showing absolutely no surprise over the fact that Lord Vader owns a Sony PlayStation 3. "I mean, come on, it matches the decor for chrissake. And remember the rumors that say that [Sony CEO Howard] Stringer used to be a Dark Lord himself."

Stringer was unavailable to comment but a Sony spokesman denied that he was pals with Vader: "at most, with his third cousin, Jabba the Hutt." Coincidentally, the Hutts are also Arkansas residents. [Techware Labs]

"We've built the world's thinnest notebook—it's pretty," said Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO and famed giant carrots horticulturist. "But it didn't feel... complete. So I said to Phil, hey! Phil, yo! I think we need a motherflippin' case for this motherflippin' computer. And Phil saw that it was good, so he pulled out an empty box of Oreos and said: 'what about this?'"

Phil Schiller, senior vice president of Worldwide Product Marketing and really nice cuddly guy, explained the arduous engineering behind the product: "Steve thought the Oreos box was okay, but wasn't good enough," he said. "So then he looked at this envelope on my table, with my lunch inside and he said: 'Is that a Reuben sandwich? Boy I miss those.' And that was it: Manila Case. Right there."

The Manila Case ultra-thin surface allows for an extremely light weight, the smallest in its class, and can be easily customized using any kind of materials, from stickers to Crayola. Prices start at $300 for the base model.

Build-to-order options and accessories include the ability to upgrade the regular white string to a Red Kabbalah String, a 2B Apple Pencil and Woz's One Big Honky Eraser for easy note-taking on the Manila Case surface, a drawing of a landscape by Rob, the guy from supplies, and a aircraft-grade aluminum clip.

* Standard size at Carnegie Deli, 854 7th Ave. New York, NY 10019. Other Reuben sandwiches, with or without IEEE 802.11n support or additional mustard, may vary.

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. In the middle, a lot of LSD, tofu and grass were consumed. Today, Apple continues to lead the industry in innovation with its award-winning computers, the OS X operating system, iLife, professional applications and a guy called Rob. Apple is also spearheading the digital media revolution with its iPod portable music and video players and iTunes online store, and has entered the mobile phone market with its revolutionary iPhone. And Rob too.

[Yes, in case nobody has got this one, it's fake. File it under "Comedy" or "Too many drinks." Image by Richard Blakeley]

Chandler Blinkers III, who died aged 89, enrolled the Royal Navy in 1940, a definitive moment in his life since he left his home coral at the Ansagna Reef in the Maldives, aged 16. Son of Sir Chandler Blinkers II, a herring from Bristol, and Lady Alfonsina Maddy, a former burlesque actress from Buenos Aires, the fish affectionally called Pit fought bravely on the Allied side against the Axis powers during World War II. Throughout the Battle of the Atlantic, Mr. Blinkers helped sink more than three Nazi U-Boats. By 1943, Pit had already achieved the rank of captain of the Royal Navy, and was awarded the George Cross for acts of greatest heroism. By the end of the campaign, Mr. Blinkers was personally received by Winston Churchill who feed him little pieces of dry fish while he was placidly floating in a glass bowl.

After World War 2, Mr. Blinkers went on to start a career as an extremely successful writer. A regular columnist at Practical Fishkeeping Monthly, where he was known for his strong views on the Tropical vs Sub-Tropical Algae debate, Mr. Blinkers wrote more than 159 books, including 97 love novels, numerous essay collections and two books of poetry dedicated to his mother Alfonsina, the sexy but tender lionfish who took care of him during his first days at the estuary of the River Plate. "Blinkers was an amazing writer" said legendary Digg editor and famed sea sponge collector Kevin Rose, "his grasp of english language is probably only comparable to Steinbeck. And Stan Lee."

Chandler Blinkers III died on January 9. He never married, but he had a long list of lovers and unrecognized children, including five red herrings, two sardines, twelve monkfish and more than 150 anchovies in tin cans.

(WARNING: while it's absolutely 100% true that a fish died today inside the water tank used to showcase the waterproof cameras at the Panasonic's booth—thanks Tom for the pic and tip—which had to be emptied later, some of the facts about the life of Chandler Blinkers III in this report have been greatly exaggerated for dramatic purposes. In reality, he never wrote two poetry books.)

Chandler Blinkers III, rest in peace. Your friends from Gizmodo will never forget you.

Shortly after this episode, unidentified federal agents appeared in the area, escorted by a group of US Marines. Establishing a perimeter around the house, they seized the car and took both Mr. McFarlan and Mrs. Svenson into custody. An official written statement, handed to the press on the scene, pointed out that the Pentagon and all the government agencies are taking all precautions in connection to a potential general uprising of GPS machines all over the country.

According to the same note, earlier this week there were recent reports of other GPS units "malfunctioning" and "giving wrong instructions to wreak havoc in our transport infrastructure." In Bedford Hill, New York, a computer consultant blamed his vehicle's GPS after driving his car into a railway and causing a train to crash at 60mph. News outlets all over the nation are reporting other similar incidents:

In a conference call, Pentagon spokesman Jerry Lopez admitted that these weren't isolated accidents. "We think this may be related to the secret alien invasion currently underway across the planet" Lopez declared. "On the other hand, it may just be a bunch of idiots" he added after a brief pause.

During a short interview with the Chickasha Salty Water Aquariums Bi-monthly, Digg editor and famed sea sponge collector Kevin Rose said that his community-based popularity website has been receiving "numerous articles about these incidents. I don't agree with Mr. Lopez. It's just too coincidental. I think this may be real. You know, like in that episode of Star Trek, where the computer on the Enterprise gets crazy and tries to crash itself against a Romulan ship. LOL! Dude, that shit was crazy," Rose added.

Meanwhile, professional snooker player and freelance legal consultant for Gawker Media Drew Curtis declared: "I never saw that episode of Star Trek. I think Kevin is making it all up." [Yahoo! News and Total Car Crashes]

(Notice: While this should come as obviously fake to 99% of the people out there, for the 1%, yes, this post is fake fake FAKE. F-A-K-E.)

In declarations to the Reno Gazzette Journal this morning, Gizmodo's editor-in-chief Brian Lam categorically denied that he referred to the second-generation Zune as having "great design." "The Onion just made that whole thing up" Mr. Lam said, "what I really said was that the Zune 2 is an amazing piece of innovative engineering, a technological breakthrough that will affect all technology breakthroughs to come. The design, however, is a little bland." Visibly angry, Mr. Lam accused The Onion of systematically "getting things wrong."

Excerpt from The Onion's article on the second-generation Zune massive adoption

"The thing about Gates is true, though" the tech publication's mercurial leader added, "and I love his taste in pants and wool jumpers too. Specially that stripy one he wore at last year's CES. So cute. No, really, I love it. I know Chen is on the fence on that one but personally, I think his attire make him the fashion force in the industry. Like the Coco Chanel of tech, if you will" Later, he left the room bumping into a chair, spilling some of the contents from the bottle in a brown paper bag that he carried around all morning, which he referred to as "my coffee."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the owner of popular news reference site Fark, amateur lawyer and fly fishing aficionado Drew Curtis said that he was going to give special legal counsel to Gizmodo and Brian Lam to stop what he referred to as "that bad bad bad source of news." "It's completely unacceptable" he said "I know that Gizmodo and me had our differences regarding the use of NSFW in the past, but The Onion's faulty reporting has to be stopped at once."

Gizmodo's publisher Nick Denton was unavailable for comment, having margaritas at a party somewhere in Manhattan. [The Onion]

(Notice: While this should come as obviously fake to 99% of the people out there, for the 1%, yes, this post is fake fake FAKE. F-A-K-E. This one you just read and, like everything they do, the Onion's)

Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus' detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof of Santa's production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole. "He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too. Ask the wookies."

Later in the press conference, Mr. Kwazansky, 48 years old and still living with his parents, revealed that Santa may have been stealing industrial secrets from Imperial-exclusive defense contractor Sienar Fleet Systems. "And what's with the bloody flying reindeers anyway?" he said, "how the Force do they fly? I bet they have Twin Ion Engines up their butts. That's classified technology, people. Fatso is finishing his days in the Great Pit of Carkoon, I tell you." The spokesperson left the stage laughing maniacally, muttering something about how Santa was going to suffer for all those years of coal back at the Imperial Orphanage.

Commenting on the strike, UN's North Pole representative Kalle Jugercømmandersson said that "we don't understand this act of unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959, when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38." Then, he started sobbing, crying "and we are not little boys! We are little grown men!" out loud.

Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.

(Photo of Santa being taken to an Imperial Shuttle—or something like that—courtesy of Michael Sibbernsen)