The xPhone is the future of humanity.

And I know what you're thinking—you're thinking this is nuts. This is a joke. This can't be real! No one makes touchscreen tech like Apple or RIM, and we haven't even seen the OS. So toast or not, this sucker is too good to be true!

Maybe it is. But after watching this clip, I know one thing. If I don't get my xPhone, I'm definitely learning German. [electrobeans via technabob]

Microsoft may have backed out of the show's live special, but Family Guy definitely has the geek cred thing down. [Nick McGlynn]

For comparison, or if you just happen to be unfamiliar with the original pop culture horror, you can have a listen to it here. [Brainstorm Tech]

You've seen how to host your own Windows 7 launch party. Over at Funny or Die, they explain how to throw your own Windows 7 torrenting party in what's easily the most brilliant parody spot yet. [Thanks Adam!]

Google Wave is exciting, but it's also very confusing. It's hard to understand how all of its elements work together, especially when you take into account the just-revealed elements we're ready to share with you now. It's pretty complicated, but once you understand its ins and outs, you'll agree that it has the potential to change the way we interact online.

Google Wave is made up of many separate components. Conversations within the program are called Waves. Subthreads of these conversations are called Wavelets. And individual messages are called Blips. These can all be edited and viewed real-time by anyone in your Wave group. Think of it as a living conversation that can be traced from its inception to its final form.

Now, Google has revealed that all of these pieces of user-entered data will be fed into Google's Beachcomber service, which sorts through, tossing organized and compiled data sets over to Blue Whale for analysis.

Blue Whale is Google's new AI engine, and it'll use Wave data to become autonomous and all-knowing. Blue Whale will eventually lead your discussions by recalling past information used in Wave groups. It will keep you honest by comparing new statements with your past statements. Think of it as an autonomous, administrator-level additional member of any group included in your Waves.

Blue Whale works hand-in-hand with Google's Bottomfeeder targeted advertising bot, which will serve ads based not only on the content of your Waves, Wavelets and Blips, but also the personality scores that Blue Whale automatically compiles. If you're more aggressive with your Wave postings, for example, you may be shown ads for Ultimate Fighting or roller coasters. If you're more apt to demure to authority, you may be shown spots for feminine hygiene products or CuteOverload.com.

Users will of course have the option to turn off Bottomfeeder's ads, but if they want to keep using Google Wave, they'll need to agree to have Stingrays installed in their homes and offices. These are Google's new audio and video surveillance cameras, which are controlled by Blue Whale. They aren't monitored by people, so Google says there are fewer privacy concerns. Stingrays recognize brands and products and how you use them, focusing in on user interaction with everything from electronics to food. This will create excellent market research, which Google will then anonymize and sell to corporations.

Of course, if ad blockers are used to prevent Bottomfeeder's ads from showing, or Stingrays are blocked or tampered with, Google reserves the right to use Great White to damage your online reputation by pulling private and humiliating information from your Wave history. It'll spread the information to your contacts based on the Swordfish algorithm, which analyzes which people will be the most offended by each particular nugget of data. Great White will continue until the ad blocker is removed and/or Stingrays are returned to proper working order.

If Great White fails, Google will activate its new Mako nanomachines—currently being bundled with the H1N1 flu vaccination. Once Makos are installed in your body, they'll attack the pain receptors in your joints, making movement near impossible. You'll have a hard time focusing, and sleep will be out of the question. Google is promising that Mako will increase targeted ad penetration to the coveted 95th percentile.

As you can see, with Wave, Google is really broadening the scope of what it delivers. The possibilities that it offers are really exciting, and we look forward to starting to use it in our day-to-day lives. So, in conclusion, I made this all up, so please don't sue me. Clam clam seahorse, and the crab boat narwhal.

Words by Adam Frucci, illustrations by the illustrious Dan Meth, the artist behind The Seven Types of Employees You Meet at Best Buy as well as gems such as the Pop Culture Charts and the animated Phone Sex Fetishes.

Giant portrait of Steve Jobs - Jobs has a gigantic portrait of multiple versions of himself deep in thought in his living room. He uses it as inspiration when he's hit a mental block. It's entitled "Bottomless Pools of Thought" and he had it commissioned from iconic British artist Damien Hirst for $7,000,000.

[REDACTED] prototype - Steve gets the first prototype of any gadget Apple is currently working on so he can put it through its paces. If this [REDACTED] passes his stringent tests, it'll hit the market sometime in 2012. It's the first [REDACTED] to integrate a [REDACTED], which is sure to make the fanboys flip out. Currently, he's got it placed between three crystals for his standard "aura" test to see if its design gives off a positive energy.

Heart of an Indian beggar child in a display case - Steve went on a vision quest in India back in the 70s. Essentially, he wandered around Mumbai on a combination of mescaline, mushrooms and huffed Scotchguard. While under this influence, he murdered a beggar child with his bare hands. He keeps the heart as a reminder that he is the master of his own destiny.

Awkward ergonomic desk chair with no back - Jonathan Ive gave this to Steve back in 2003 as a Christmas present. Jonny told him it promoted good ergonomics, but Steve just likes it because it proves that he doesn't need to lean back on anything; he can support himself just fine.

Mirror over the bed - This isn't for sex—Steve insists on sleeping alone, as anyone sharing the bed with him "disturbs the purity of [his] dreams." It's so the first thing he sees in the morning is himself.

Unopened charity solicitation letters - Steve gets loads of letters from various charities hoping that he'll use some of his vast wealth to better their cause, be it vaccine research or college scholarships. He uses them as kindling for the fires he lights in his massive hearth, after removing the stamps for his stamp collection.

Servant family - A Guatemalan family lives in the basement of the Jobs home. They do all of the cooking and cleaning and are paid in iTunes gift cards.

Steve Ballmer voodoo doll - Steve's been working on this for years. Rather than sticking him with pins, he soaks the doll in boar sweat during Ballmer's public appearances.

Surveillance monitors - Steve has cameras installed in the homes of all of his employees to make sure they aren't leaking product details or discussing them with their families. He keeps watch over all of them personally.

Tibetan prayer flags, Buddha statue, incense, Koran, etc. - Steve keeps objects from many religions around his home. He isn't religious, but spiritual. He believes in the deity that lives within himself. Himself and nobody else.

Executives at Sanyo-which employs more than 85,000 people worldwide-said they were initially overjoyed that someone had actually purchased one of their products. The celebration was short-lived, however, as it soon dawned on board members that their organization would face financial ruin if forced to honor Cinelli's rebate.

[The Onion]

A little known fact about me is that I worked at Best Buy for a couple of years in high school before getting fired for badly, badly abusing the employee discount system. But while there I learned a lot about the types of people that work in such an establishment, and I've noticed the same people in other Best Buys that I've been to since. So here are my list of the seven types of people you'll find there, from a former employee's perspective.

Next time you go to Best Buy, be on the lookout. I promise you'll see at least a couple of these characters.

Illustrations by the illustrious Dan Meth, the artist behind such gems as the Pop Culture Charts and the animated Phone Sex Fetishes.

Want to ditch this gallery format and see everything on one page? Click here.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Car Audio Thug
You'll find this guy in the car audio department. He's got a big plug earring in each ear, some form of facial hair out of a late-90's R&B video and tattoos on his forearms. He tears into the parking lot every day, tires squealing, bass blasting, in a late-model Civic that he's dumped thousands of dollars into. You suspect that if he didn't have a job selling car stereos, he'd be stealing them.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Marginally Cute Customer Service Girl
This girl works at the customer service desk or as a cashier. She's maybe 17 years old and is kind of cute, but only when compared to the chubby piles of sadness she's surrounded with. Because of this, she's constantly hit on/sexually harassed by the guys who stock CDs and DVDs. She manages to take this in stride somehow and is almost infuriatingly perky and chipper. The chances of her having hooked up with the car audio thug are very high.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Grizzled Old Home Theater/Computer Sales Lifer
This guy has seen some shit. He's a refugee from Lechmere or Tweeter or some other now-defunct retail outlet. He knows the most about the products he sells, which is why all the part-time high school employees send customers with actual questions his way. He's got an air of resigned acceptance about his life, and while he's all-business with customers, he's got no filter with fellow employees. He tells inappropriate jokes and talks vulgarly about the managers behind their back. He has a strictly regimented cigarette break every 2.5 hours that he never, ever misses.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Pervy Geek Squad Guy
This guy searches every computer that's in for service for porn, collecting everything he finds on an external HDD that he keeps in the back. He talks in graphic terms about what he'd do to women who he sees enter the store, but when he talks to them he's totally professional. You suspect that he pleasures himself behind the plastic curtains, but you don't want to confirm this. He's got a level 80 World of Warcraft character. Somehow, he and the grizzled old sales guy are buddies and eat lunch together.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Sad Department Manager
This guy went to college then, after graduation, moved back home with his parents to save money. He ended up getting a job at Best Buy while he "figured stuff out." It's 10 years later and he still lives in the town he went to high school in, is balding, gained 15 pounds and is the manager of the digital cameras department. He's perfectly adequate at his job, but talking to him for more than 5 minutes just makes you so damned sad.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Slick Careerist Manager
This guy wants to go right to the top. He runs team meetings, irons his blue polos, and gets a hard-on when talking about accessory sales and service-plan attach rates. He's climbing the ladder with everything he's got, and he spews corporate nonsense with the passion of a true believer. You've never seen him have an actual human interaction with someone, and you wonder if he even has any furniture in his apartment. He may be a robot.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Terrifying Loss-Prevention Guy
This guy is either an ex-con, an ex-cop or a vet. He is jacked yet forced to wear a yellow polo shirt, which creates a false sense of levity when dealing with him. He may seem friendly on the outside, but if you cross him he will snap your neck. He legitimately thinks that it's unfair that Best Buy security guys aren't allowed to carry sidearms. He has so much rage bottled up inside him that you know to just say hello and smile and otherwise steer clear.

We still want to live here though. [IGN]

From the article:

Sharon Martin, who began watching Star Trek when she was 11, says it's almost like they're dissing the generations who grew up on Star Trek.

"They keep running this ad on TV," she observes. "It says, 'Forget everything you know.' This does not seem like a positive come-on for someone like me." So she says she will wait and watch it on DVD.

You can read the print version here, but to get the full effect, you really need to listen to the audio. There's a nicer zinger about Obama really being a Vulcan that you really shouldn't miss. [Thanks Ponies!]

I guess that's what it takes to make Mac fanboys sleep at night—exploiting the even less fortunate. [LandlineTV via 9to5Mac]

Peter Serafinowicz, of the possibly acclaimed Peter Serafinowicz Show, has put together a couple videos in the style of Apple's stodgy online product demonstration videos, imagining two new products from the company. The iToilet, below, is relatively uninspired (it's funny because it's impossible, and something to do with bathrooms! Ha!) but the Mactini is kind of fantastic. Not to mention Serafinowicz's wonderfully convincing half-Jobs, half-generic-demo-guy character, who is only a wandering eye outside of fitting right into Apple's product tour rotation. UPDATE: It turns out that Serafinowsicz is partially responsible for the hilarious Look Around You series, so this sketch is no fluke. The vids are taken from his forthcoming Christmas special sketch show, which you can preview here. [Cult of Mac]

"I mean, given Dell's constant focus on cutting costs, it was a matter of time before they focused on packaging to save some dollars here and there" added the Piper Jaffray's analyst, "and let's face it, Apple's solution is the most efficient, light, and cost-effective in the industry. Like everything else they do. I predict they will hit the $500 [price per share] mark before 2009. Even $510."

Reportedly, Dell will have to pay Apple $20 per manila envelope, but they will save "a lot of money" in postage stamps, according to Mr. Munster. Dell representatives were not available for comment, but Mr. Munster told this reporter that Steve Jobs called Michael Dell late last night to say "who's my bitch now, huh? Who's my bitch?" [Thanks Hawkskater0]

Macheads and Windows fanboys can now proclaim their love for their respective platforms through sign language...and oh damn! Is that a Linux Lover encroaching on your turf? Turn that mother out! All you nerds should be careful using these on the street though, since you could come across someone who might mistake them for their real-life gangsta counterparts. 7H|_|G L1F3. [Joey DeVilla]