Gizmodo: quackery

Can't Sleep? Love Yourself With Aromahand

Charlie White — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 11:00:53 EDT

Attention one-handed typists: Put the Aromahand on that all-important non-typing hand, and it's certain to smell a whole lot better than that tube sock you've been using. Aromahand's makers have a more serious purpose, citing the benefits of aromatherapy as a basis for the effectiveness of this special glove stuffed with lavender, sage, organic blends, and flax seed.

We especially like the well-produced video on Aromahand's website, urging those poor stressed-out individuals to just use the hand when the going gets tough. It's hard to tell if this is a joke or not, especially when the company's slogan is "I love my hand." One thing that's no joke: The company's selling a single terry-cloth glove stuffed with leaves for $25. – Charlie White

Product Page [Aroma Hand]

NightCove: Sleep System for Suckas

Charlie White — Fri, 09 Feb 2007 12:45:20 EST

As soon as somebody called this NightCove lamp a "sleeping solution," we knew we were in for some majorly expensive hooey. The idea is that a combination of different-colored light and some noises can put you to sleep and wake you up.

The purveyors of this lamp have put together soothing marketing materials that conjure up some wonderful, energizing and miraculous benefits, and it's all "based on medical and scientific research." Yeah, junk science.

How about this sleep solution: Turn off the lights, close your eyes, go to sleep. At $2300 for each one of these alarm clock/lamps, they urge you to buy two. Don't. – Charlie White

Product Page (pdf) [NightCove, via Coolest Gadgets]

Expertise 3P Screen Mist Chases Away Those Killer Electro-Waves

Charlie White — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 12:10:50 EST

You never know when your brain might be fried by those harmful electromagnetic waves, swirling around us and ruining our lives, electron by electron. That's why you need this extra special Expertise 3P Screen Mist from Clarins. It'll protect you from all those electronic creepy crawlies, and the stuff makes you look younger, too. This from the company's breathless press materials:

An ultra-sheer screen mist containing a pioneering combination of plant extracts capable of protecting the skin from the accelerated-ageing effects of all indoor and outdoor air pollution but most significantly, the effects of Artificial Electromagnetic Waves.

It's hard to believe there are enough suckers in this world to buy into bullshit like this. Sadly, chumps will snap up this innocuous liquid by the caseload. Oh yeah, it's $40 for a 3.5 oz bottle. Let's just call it a stupid tax. – Charlie White

Spray On Magnetic Defense [Strange Harvest]

Bottom Reformulator Cushion: Do the Math

Charlie White — Tue, 18 Jul 2006 12:27:25 EDT

Why bother with all that pesky exercising, weight control and the luck of genetics when all you need to do is park that big ol' booty on the Bottom Reformulator Cushion, and it will turn that sack of potatoes into two perfectly-formed orbs.

The cushion has been allegedly tested and proven to work by a team of plastic surgeons from Taiwan. Just look at those pictures. There is your proof. Find out what it can do for you for only $29.95. – Charlie White

Product Page [Gadget Universe, via TRFJ]

OGO: The Breathing Water

Charlie White — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 13:14:45 EDT

The marketing of water continues, and now OGO tries to convince us that if we drink this special magical oxygen water, we'll get a burst of energy from all of the oxygen we've consumed. First, we're immediately suspicious of a product with a bottle this pretty. Next, get a load of this breathless marketspeak:

Every cell in your body needs oxygen. And the more oxygen you take in the healthier you feel. That's why there's so much of it in OGO. We squeeze up to 200mg of oxygen into every liter. That's 35 times more than you'll find in regular water. No wonder it's called "the breathing water".

Now wait. We're certain there are scientists in our reading audience who can help us out with this. Isn't this impossible? Oxygen is O2, and water is still H2O, right? If you swallow liquid oxygen, which we were under the impression must be at a very cold temperature to be a liquid, then do you digest the oxygen before it turns you into a human popsicle? Have the laws of physics been altered to create this magnificent product? Do tell. – Charlie White

Product Page [Ogolife, via popgadget]

ZeroPA Low EMF Hair Dryer: Be Afraid

Charlie White — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 12:11:42 EDT

For those living in fear of unseen forces all around them, here's the ZeroPA Low EMF Hair Dryer, an electromagnetic frequency (EMF)-blocking blower that will keep those villainous magnetic fields away from your ~~catastrophisizing~~ ~~hyper-vigilant~~ ~~chickenshit~~ vulnerable brain. That's right, all of this technology around us just can't be good. It's all too easy, this technology stuff. There are rays, killer rays lurking in the shadows, ready to smite us. Indeed there are.

Thank goodness we have the ZeroPA to protect us from getting killed by a list of cancers and horrific things as long as your arm. Just look at them, they're all listed right there on the company's website. The ZeroPA blocks 95% of those murderous electromagnetic waves, keeping you safe and drying your "hiar" at the same time. However, we're a little skeptical of a product whose wordsmiths can't spell the word "hair." – Charlie White

Product Page [Unix Electronics, via treehugger]

Acu-Point Pen: Healing Magic

Charlie White — Wed, 14 Jun 2006 13:28:24 EDT

The Acu-Point Pen is a $100 device that uses what its maker calls "specially designed electronic acupuncture probes" which do their best to simulate traditional acupuncture treatments. We're thinking that if you're going to employ a quack method of treatment such as acupuncture that doesn't really work, it would be more fun to have it not work via a gadget rather than those painful pin pricks. Plus, its LCD screen not only shows you how much better you're feeling, it claims to be able to detect problems with your health.

One thing's for certain: the Acu-Point Pen can't detect problems with your mind for buying such a thing. This looks to us like another device that's designed to separate the victims of various aches, pains and worries from their money. Just like traditional acupuncture, if you believe it works there's a 50% chance that it will, at least for a while. What's that? You think this will work? I have some $150 HDMI cables to sell you. – Charlie White

Acu-Point Pen [Gadget Universe]