Words by Adam Frucci, illustrations by the illustrious Dan Meth, the artist behind The Seven Types of Employees You Meet at Best Buy as well as gems such as the Pop Culture Charts and the animated Phone Sex Fetishes.

Giant portrait of Steve Jobs - Jobs has a gigantic portrait of multiple versions of himself deep in thought in his living room. He uses it as inspiration when he's hit a mental block. It's entitled "Bottomless Pools of Thought" and he had it commissioned from iconic British artist Damien Hirst for $7,000,000.

[REDACTED] prototype - Steve gets the first prototype of any gadget Apple is currently working on so he can put it through its paces. If this [REDACTED] passes his stringent tests, it'll hit the market sometime in 2012. It's the first [REDACTED] to integrate a [REDACTED], which is sure to make the fanboys flip out. Currently, he's got it placed between three crystals for his standard "aura" test to see if its design gives off a positive energy.

Heart of an Indian beggar child in a display case - Steve went on a vision quest in India back in the 70s. Essentially, he wandered around Mumbai on a combination of mescaline, mushrooms and huffed Scotchguard. While under this influence, he murdered a beggar child with his bare hands. He keeps the heart as a reminder that he is the master of his own destiny.

Awkward ergonomic desk chair with no back - Jonathan Ive gave this to Steve back in 2003 as a Christmas present. Jonny told him it promoted good ergonomics, but Steve just likes it because it proves that he doesn't need to lean back on anything; he can support himself just fine.

Mirror over the bed - This isn't for sex—Steve insists on sleeping alone, as anyone sharing the bed with him "disturbs the purity of [his] dreams." It's so the first thing he sees in the morning is himself.

Unopened charity solicitation letters - Steve gets loads of letters from various charities hoping that he'll use some of his vast wealth to better their cause, be it vaccine research or college scholarships. He uses them as kindling for the fires he lights in his massive hearth, after removing the stamps for his stamp collection.

Servant family - A Guatemalan family lives in the basement of the Jobs home. They do all of the cooking and cleaning and are paid in iTunes gift cards.

Steve Ballmer voodoo doll - Steve's been working on this for years. Rather than sticking him with pins, he soaks the doll in boar sweat during Ballmer's public appearances.

Surveillance monitors - Steve has cameras installed in the homes of all of his employees to make sure they aren't leaking product details or discussing them with their families. He keeps watch over all of them personally.

Tibetan prayer flags, Buddha statue, incense, Koran, etc. - Steve keeps objects from many religions around his home. He isn't religious, but spiritual. He believes in the deity that lives within himself. Himself and nobody else.

Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

Like all the best Onion pieces, this video takes the bizarre and scary concepts we ignore despite being right in front of our faces, and spells them out in blunt, hilarious language. As the "Google Exec" says, "If you don't want to give us complete access to your most private thoughts and feelings, that's fine! You can just toil on the hinterlands, and die young."

But my favorite part has to be the consistent juxtaposition of Google's bright happy basic colors on all the terrifying privacy guards and equipment. On the other hand, even if this horrible airless prison was real, I'd probably still get excited about the next Android phone. You win, Google. You win everything, ever. [The Onion]

"Oh my God, I can't believe how much faster you can get online with this," said Delaney, who exited the store holding a cupped hand up to her ear and yelling into her wrist about how wonderful the new phone was. "The reception is so clear, and you can pretty much get a signal no matter where you go."

"Hold on a sec," continued Delaney, suddenly shaking her hand up and down. "I think my battery is dying."

Like I said, exactly. [The Onion]

A little known fact about me is that I worked at Best Buy for a couple of years in high school before getting fired for badly, badly abusing the employee discount system. But while there I learned a lot about the types of people that work in such an establishment, and I've noticed the same people in other Best Buys that I've been to since. So here are my list of the seven types of people you'll find there, from a former employee's perspective.

Next time you go to Best Buy, be on the lookout. I promise you'll see at least a couple of these characters.

Illustrations by the illustrious Dan Meth, the artist behind such gems as the Pop Culture Charts and the animated Phone Sex Fetishes.

Want to ditch this gallery format and see everything on one page? Click here.

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Car Audio Thug
You'll find this guy in the car audio department. He's got a big plug earring in each ear, some form of facial hair out of a late-90's R&B video and tattoos on his forearms. He tears into the parking lot every day, tires squealing, bass blasting, in a late-model Civic that he's dumped thousands of dollars into. You suspect that if he didn't have a job selling car stereos, he'd be stealing them.

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Marginally Cute Customer Service Girl
This girl works at the customer service desk or as a cashier. She's maybe 17 years old and is kind of cute, but only when compared to the chubby piles of sadness she's surrounded with. Because of this, she's constantly hit on/sexually harassed by the guys who stock CDs and DVDs. She manages to take this in stride somehow and is almost infuriatingly perky and chipper. The chances of her having hooked up with the car audio thug are very high.

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Grizzled Old Home Theater/Computer Sales Lifer
This guy has seen some shit. He's a refugee from Lechmere or Tweeter or some other now-defunct retail outlet. He knows the most about the products he sells, which is why all the part-time high school employees send customers with actual questions his way. He's got an air of resigned acceptance about his life, and while he's all-business with customers, he's got no filter with fellow employees. He tells inappropriate jokes and talks vulgarly about the managers behind their back. He has a strictly regimented cigarette break every 2.5 hours that he never, ever misses.

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Pervy Geek Squad Guy
This guy searches every computer that's in for service for porn, collecting everything he finds on an external HDD that he keeps in the back. He talks in graphic terms about what he'd do to women who he sees enter the store, but when he talks to them he's totally professional. You suspect that he pleasures himself behind the plastic curtains, but you don't want to confirm this. He's got a level 80 World of Warcraft character. Somehow, he and the grizzled old sales guy are buddies and eat lunch together.

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Sad Department Manager
This guy went to college then, after graduation, moved back home with his parents to save money. He ended up getting a job at Best Buy while he "figured stuff out." It's 10 years later and he still lives in the town he went to high school in, is balding, gained 15 pounds and is the manager of the digital cameras department. He's perfectly adequate at his job, but talking to him for more than 5 minutes just makes you so damned sad.

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Slick Careerist Manager
This guy wants to go right to the top. He runs team meetings, irons his blue polos, and gets a hard-on when talking about accessory sales and service-plan attach rates. He's climbing the ladder with everything he's got, and he spews corporate nonsense with the passion of a true believer. You've never seen him have an actual human interaction with someone, and you wonder if he even has any furniture in his apartment. He may be a robot.

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Terrifying Loss-Prevention Guy
This guy is either an ex-con, an ex-cop or a vet. He is jacked yet forced to wear a yellow polo shirt, which creates a false sense of levity when dealing with him. He may seem friendly on the outside, but if you cross him he will snap your neck. He legitimately thinks that it's unfair that Best Buy security guys aren't allowed to carry sidearms. He has so much rage bottled up inside him that you know to just say hello and smile and otherwise steer clear.

It's a decidedly critical take on Apple, the people who love the company, the people who live and breathe gadgets (*gulp*), and basically technology in general. Of course, many of you would argue that this list includes Pogue himself. However, as my old personal saying goes, if you can't laugh at yourself, then you suck. [YouTube via CrunchGear]

There's a dock for the "greatest laptop available" for potty-surfing, and of course, a heated toilet seat to keep your bum toasty for as long as your MacBook Air battery lasts. It's rumored that the next firmware update will bring cushioned ass-wiping with faux GPS for incredibly accurate strokes to the feature list, for only $20. [Air Poo]