As the year draws to a close, we've reviewed our reviews from 2009, and scientifically determined just which toys were the best of the best this year. Below, our picks for the tops in toys.

10) The Real Touch: With a few rare exceptions, high end (and high tech) sex toys are almost exclusively targeted at women. The Real Touch is looking to change that. A high tech masturbator that syncs with POV porn, the Real Touch may just change the face of toys for boys. True, it has its problems (most notably, the fact that it won't work if you're not paying per minute for AEBN's porn)—but it's promising enough to give us hope for the future.

9) OhMiBod Freestyle: After years on the scene, the OhMiBod has finally reached its full potential. With the Freestyle's wireless connection, you can finally rock out to your tunes without being tied down to them.

8) Tenth Anniversary Tristan Butt Plug: The Tenth Anniversary Tristan Plug takes a good thing and makes it better (or at least bigger). A beefed up version of the original Tristan plug, the 10th anniversary edition is a must have for any butt aficionado in need of an upgrade.

7) Bolero Straitjacket **BEST LUXURY TOY**: This delightful bondage device combines the efficient immobilization of the straitjacket with the delicious eroticism of being nearly naked. True, it's not cheap—but if you're willing and able to invest in your BDSM toy chest, it's an excellent addition.

6) Imperial: With 11 inches of aircraft quality spun aluminum, the Imperial is bound to please any and all size queens—especially the ones who enjoy toys with the ability to pleasure and violently disfigure.

5) Bloomy: A wonderful dildo for the girls, and a p-spot stimulating butt plug for the boys—Bloomy's a toy that everyone can enjoy! (Just, uh, remember to sterilize it before sharing.)

4) Finger Tingles **BEST BUY**: Since the day we first discovered sex, we've wondered whether there could ever be away to improve on the erotic abilities of the simple little finger. The answer, friends, is yes: with the help of the Finger Tingles, your mild-mannered digit becomes a super finger.

3) Contour Q **BEST DISCREET TOY**: Don't be fooled by Contour Q's innocent appearance: these bumpy little massage stones know their way around a woman's body. And we do mean all parts of the body.

2) Sqweel: With the Sqweel, Love Honey set out to create a toy that replicates the sensation of oral sex. While they may not have quite achieved that goal, they did create a wholly unique toy that stimulates in a very unusual (and very pleasing) way.

1) Form 2: Small, sleek, and super-powered: the rabbit-inspired Form 2 has two silicone ears that are all revved up and ready to rock. And just like a real rabbit, this thing won't quit until long after you're satisifed.

Worst Toy of 2009: The Blowguard: Sure, it'll enable you to give a decent blowjob with absolutely no effort...at the cost of your dignity, your comfort, and your ability to control your drooling.

Those of you who hate the gallery format can see it all on one page by clicking here. Oh, and basically everything in this post is NSFW.

The Fleshlight: There are many flavors to the Fleshlight—you can now even custom design it to your specifications—but the base idea remains constant through all of them. It's a plastic flashlight you place your junk into. The sensation is halfway between your hand and a real person, which explains its popularity despite the extra preparation and cleanup. Your giftee will thank you for the experience, but curse you for the added work. $50-$90, depending on the type of Fleshlight and type of hole. [Review]

Form 2: For the ladies, you have the Form 2 from Jimmy Jane. It's a palm-sized vibrator that Fleshbot claims is basically the best vibrator around. The semi-discrete bunny-shaped body means it's up to your female (or male) loved one to figure out how they want to use it. $135. [JimmyJane]

FyreTV: The first set-top-box, all-in-one digital streaming solution to get porn from the internets onto a big-ass living room HDTV. It's not free, but the amount of variety included beats having to haul over to the adult video store every time your friend needs a new title for his DVD player. $10 a month, plus more for more credits. [FyreTV; Review]

Real Touch: It's like a Fleshlight that knows exactly what porn you're watching, and moves exactly as the person onscreen does. Fleshbot's review says it's pretty darn good, but due to technical problems with Windows 7—damn you Microsoft!!!—we haven't been able to test it out ourselves. We can say that it's like putting a football-sized piece of plastic up to your groin, but since it doesn't work yet, we can't say much else. Oh, and there's no Mac support. So make sure your recipient doesn't have a Mac (or knows how to use boot camp). $200, plus more for more minutes. [Real Touch; Fleshbot Review]

The OhMiBod: Yeah, it's the vibrator that works in sync with an iPod. This is the closest a person's going to get to actually making love with an Apple device without sticking it inside themselves. Plus, they get to hear their own music while they pleasure themselves. So, double bonus for that Apple fan on your gift list. $130. [Babeland; Review]

Mini DisplayPort to HDMI Adapter: And what if a person wants to get their porn onto their TV while still taking advantage of all the free adult content out there? Easy: just hook up a Mac to a TV with an adapter. It's easily cheaper than paying over and over for so-called premium content, seeing as any local BitTorrent site has lots of porn for your friend to slurp down. $70 [Kanex; Review]

Real Doll: It's old, in internet years, but no company has quite managed to get their product to a stage to rival the Real Doll. Yeah, it's a full body simulation of a woman, and it costs so much that it's unlikely that you're going to buy this for anyone but yourself. And even then, it's super unlikely, thanks to the price. But it is the closest you're going to get to being intimate with a robot in the next 10 years. $6000 [Real Doll]

Any iPhone porn app: Do you hate the person you're giving this to? Are you trying to drum up business for local optometrists? There are plenty of better, and LARGER, porn opportunities than trying to squint at something on an iPhone. Not to mention that these apps are all super crappy anyway. [iPhone NSFW]

All Giz Wants is our annual round-up of favorite gift ideas, including amazing attainable objects and a few far-out fantasies. We'll be popping guides catered to different interests several times per day for the next week, so keep checking back.

That answer is unclear. Fleshbot tests it out and says that although it has its downsides—PC-only, lots of setup and cleanup, plus it's super expensive—the actual sensation (or sensations, for different orifices) is fantastic.

Head over to Fleshbot (NSFW) to see their review. We'll be covering this as well, from a more technical view to explain how it works, how they get the video synced up and how well it performs as a gadget; albeit a gadget for your penis. [Fleshbot (NSFW)]

Keep it tasteless 1984. I've no idea what fine publication this appeared in, but it looks like the sales came out of Mission, Kansas. And no, the 1800 number no longer works.

How much would this ultimate conversation piece have set you back? Just $75, including 3-6 week shipping. That's an insane $150 bucks today. I wonder how many they sold... [Paco Camino and LiveJournal via CopyRanter]

As you'll see, existing innovations take our tongues, fingers, vulvas and penises to the next level. But the future of sex augmentations appears to lie in biometrics and in networking. Soon toys will learn from and interact with our bodies' responses, with or without a partner, while teledildonics will help people separated by vast distances get closer (and wetter).

Tongue, Extended
Whoever made women's genitals certainly made them tricky to stimulate—especially orally. Enter the Tongue Joy, a vibrating tongue enhancement to help human tongues do what no human can in terms of sensation and endurance. Strap the silicone-banded vibe on your tongue (or, if your tongue is pierced, use the barbell piercing attachment) and proceed with awesome. It's battery operated and comes with multiple band sizes in case you want to strap it around something bigger. Four silicone sleeve attachments enhance the size and texture of the vibrating yummy-ness. Lovely for oral sex on a man, too, particularly those who are into hummers that aren't cars.

Bionic Fingers
The vibrating three-finger power pack and glove by Fukuoku enhance the size and function of one's digits, transforming your fingers into vibrators that run at up to 45,000 vpm (that would be vibes per minute). They're more particularly cyborgy than most sex toys, if that's your thing. (Ahem, Malebots subscribers!)

Unnatural Male Enhancement
The Ride On (pun intended) blows most penis extenders (pun not intended) out of the water. It's more comfortable, less bulky and stays on in more positions than other models—all while fulfilling its purpose of enhancing the size and function of a man's penis. Function? Yes. Some men use these not for length or girth but to keep having sex during half time. Available from Vixens Creations, the Ride On gets men around that annoying "refractory period" that is the curse of many a man's sexistence. It's also useful for men with severe or chronic erectile dysfunction (ED) who want in.

Electronic Condoms?
Given the perception that condoms may reduce sensation, sex-loving scientists have been proposing vibrating condom designs since at least the 1990s. Given the enormous improvements in vibrators since then, it's unclear what a vibrating condom—if ever brought to market—would ultimately look like. Will it have an awkward external wire and power pack like the one in this 1995 patent image? (Here's a PDF of the actual patent.) Or will it be built into the condom itself, as thin as a BandAid, as in my dreams? The design will have to depend on functionality: The vagina is not as sensitive as a woman's vulva (clitoris, labia, etc) so the value of a vibrating shaft may be more for a man than his partner. That is, unless it vibrates at the base by a woman's vaginal opening or clitoris, like the Trojan Vibrating Ring or the Bo—a favorite.

The Hydraulic Penis
As potentially borgy as it is, this pre-Viagra augmentation is for now only available for men with ED that is unlikely to respond to medication or sex therapy. This type of penile implant lets men pump themselves into an erect state whenever they want—note that pump in the scrotum—and deflate on command. There's none of those scary erections lasting longer than 4 hours that we hear about in commercials starring Bob Dole. Though many men may dream of having this much control over their erections, the ones who use this do it as a last resort. Once it's been in use for a while, some men lose their natural erectile reflex because their body no longer has to work at it. Moral of the story: Enjoy what you've got.

Hymen Again
Fake hymens give the illusion that one is going where no man has gone before. One option is a hymenoplasty—a surgical procedure that "restores" a woman's hymen. This is done only rarely in the US, but is performed increasingly in other countries, often for women who who feel they need to prove their virginity to their fiancé or his family lest they risk shame or, scarily, even violence. Sometimes, the operation is requested by women who want to give their partner the "gift" of taking their virginity, like as an anniversary gift (for serious—and to think I'd go with golf clubs or a Garmin).

There is a mail-order product that a woman places inside her vagina which simulates the loss of virginity, fake blood and all. Gigimo's Artificial Virginity Hymen, has come under fire by some Egyptian politicians, who even called for a ban on it. Meanwhile, women everywhere are still calling for an end to practices that insist they "prove" their virginity to anyone or anything. On a different note, a quick word to Gigimo: When you write that you can "have your first night back anytime," does that include the awkward fumbling, 20-second staying power, and the two weeks of worrying about being pregnant?

Biometrics: Gadgets That Get You
I've seen (dreamed?) the future of sex toys and It. Is. Awesome. Ideas are swirling about how to create sex toys that rely on digital biometrics. No, we're not talking fingerprint-activated toys that prevent women's husbands from getting curious when they're home alone. We're talking about products that respond to vaginal temperature, pelvic contractions leading up to orgasm, heart rate, even pelvic blood flow. Sexual Aids of the Future may be able to learn a person's sexual response and alter stimulation patterns based on the data.

Maybe there will eventually be a gadget that will help men to last longer (so long, baseball!) or women to come more quickly. Maybe it will build sexual tension in such a lovely way that pleasure and orgasm are on the "better than average" side of the mountain more often than not. The technology is there, the ideas are there, all it takes is execution, I'm betting sooner rather than later. When the day of biometrically enhanced stimulation comes, I guarantee we will wake ‘n gadget with more than our iPhones.

Teledildonics: Long-Distance Yearning
Though most sex toys enhance in-person play, some toys facilitate sex between people across the miles. Take the PenisTron, for example, which looks and probably feels (thanks to vacuum effects) like a Fleshlight version of a vagina—and it can be controlled, tightened or slowed to a seductive drag by a man's partner out in the ether to simulate the two of them having sex.

There's also the Communication Hole Rider (which involves vacuum effects) and the Joystick (vacuum effects on the penis and a joystick up the butt)—all which can help to connect two people for interactive sex play.

It's not sex with a toy; it's sex with a person via a toy: Big difference. Sure, you miss out on the kissing. (The mostly male sex toy designers never seem to create toys that make out with you, except for some freaky robot girlfriends.) On the other hand, there's no risk for infection or pregnancy when you're doing it teledildonically.

My dream for teledildonics is that we eventually fine tune toys to produce more variety and transitions. IRL sex tends to move, for example, from sucking (vacuum effects) to licking (hey there, Sqweel) to mouth kissing (freaky robot girlfriend) to intercourse (vacuum again) to hand play (toned down version of the Fukuako glove) or whatever else you're into (furniture play?). And if it were me playing with a partner over the internet I'd want to touch, to kiss, to lick, to play in varied teasing ways—not just yank their junk with the PenisTron (though it's a good start). Who's with me?

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a Research Scientist and Associate Director of The Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. She blogs at MySexProfessor.com.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It's about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature's ultimate machine.

The Form 2 has been designed by Fuseproject's Yves Behar in collaboration with sex toy firm JimmyJane's Ethan Imboden. According to JimmyJane, however, it is a rabbit, not a spaceship. Their waterproof toy—made with phthalate-free platinum silicone and stainless steel—has dual motors powering its "powerful vibrating ears." It has five power levels and four digital vibration modes, and it's charged using a base with no cables whatsoever.

I like their suggested list of uses. It made me hungry and gave me a tingling morning sensation at the same time. [JimmyJane via fuseproject via Dezeen]

Having seen the horror film, Teeth, this thing freaks me the F out. But, if you've got a thing for True Blood or Twilight, then the Succu Dry is for you. It costs an extra $5 bucks compared to the usual "models". [Fleshlight via CrunchGear]

Introducing Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, the world's first vampire inspired sex toy for men. Take a walk on the dark side and get familiar with this pale brew. But be careful! Though this may feel like love at first bite, make sure you have wood poised to penetrate before you get completely drained!

This weekend, I scored big time. First, I found a red Gone-with-the-Wind-ish petticoat in a vintage shop. Then, I arrived home to find the Sqweel – a brand new, pre-release, revolutionary, wow-factor sex toy – waiting for me in a stack of mail. The good news? The Sqweel is orgasmic-ly awesome. Even better? As of 12:01am today, it is officially available to the rest of you.

How Does It Work

As the name suggests, the Sqweel merges the wheel (one of humankind's greatest inventions) with sex (one of humankind's greatest pleasures). Except instead of typical wheel spokes, it turns a series of tongues – 10 tongues, actually – using 3 speeds. Let me repeat: there are TEN TONGUES. It's like group oral sex with everyone somehow fitting in between your legs. Or oral sex with an extremely talented and eager lover.

The Sqweel is a remarkable sex toy designed by an Irishman (and animator) named Trevor Murphy who won LoveHoney's Design a Sex Toy competition a few years back. This fact gives me tremendous hope that other animators, engineers and people who sit with their computers or graphics tablets all day will soon turn their talents to advance sex toy design and innovation. If not for me, then for the love of sex. Please?

Though not a vibrator, the folks at LoveHoney suggest (and I agree) that while vibrators can certainly contribute to highly pleasurable sex play, there's something to be said for non-vibrating play that promotes slow yummy build-up, much as oral sex does, and that perhaps leads to an orgasm that leaves one feeling that curious mix of satisfaction and craving more.

The Rundown

These are the key points about the Sqweel, aside from the 10-tongue 3-speed yum:

• Materials: The tongues are made of silicone (easy to clean, non-toxic awesomeness) while the black compartment is made of soft plastic.

• Hygiene: The tongue component can be removed from its holder for easy cleaning of both parts.

• Power: What does it run on, you ask? (Aside from the Grace of the Sex Gods). Three AAA batteries. I would have preferred AA batteries rather than the AAA batteries that few people keep lying around the house (whereas, if needed in a pinch, AA batteries may be scrounged from TV remotes or Flipcams).

• Cost: At £34.99 UK pounds (and yes, they ship to the US in only a few waiting-with-bated-breath days), I find the price fair even after the conversion to USD. Especially if you want to switch out your vibrator from time to time, gift your partner with a tongue that doesn't stop or give yourself a break from lockjaw.

• Endurance: No more lock jaw! Or at least you get a break. The Sqweel is not intended to replace oral sex, nor should it (after all, oral sex can be lovely, intimate and passionate). But it may offer an occasional alternative, or complement, to oral play, which is especially useful for partners whose tongues, jaws, necks or lower backs get sore from extended oral play.

• Single or doubles? Both. The Sqweel can easily be used privately or with a partner. It's comfortable to hold in one's own hand during self-pleasure of one's outside parts (please do NOT try to insert all the way in the anus, lest I recount one man's salad tongs incident). When pleasuring your partner, it's not so bulky (only 4.5 in X 4 in X 1 inch at its thickest) as to block your view.

• Education: Similar to the Sasi, which also mimics oral sex, women who would like to learn to orgasm from oral sex may find it helpful to practice with the Sqweel.

• Lube: Due to the Sqweel's silicone components, silicone lube is a no-no. Instead, try a water based lube applied directly to your or your partner's body as: (1) there are too many tongues to put lube on every single one and (2) I could easily see the globs of lube go flying as the tongue spokes go round and round and no one needs lube on their ceiling.

• Convenience: Now you can provide your partner with oral pleasure via the Sqweel while simultaneously kissing each other, sitting back and watching, talking dirty, or breathing warm air on your partner's genitals.

• Conversation: If your partner is using the Sqweel on you and you ask him or her a question, your partner can actually answer you rather than making that awkward "mwawahwah" sound that people make when they try to speak while performing oral sex.

The Experience

I found that holding the Sqweel steady and straight (aimed perpendicular at one's body) was the best strategy – leaning it to one side or the other, as one might do with a typical vibrator, sometimes caused uncomfortable feelings due to the toy's edges pressing against fairly sensitive parts. Try exploring the low, medium and high settings – for example, using the low setting to build arousal and the medium or high settings to up the intensity or as one approaches orgasm (if that's your thing). You might even try turning the tongues upside down for a modified version of Sqweel play stimulation.

In regard to positions, one can lay back and enjoy self-directed or partnered stimulation OR you can prop it like some do with the Fleshlight (e.g., between sofa cushions, between the mattress and box springs or in a sneaker). The Sqweel can be used to stimulate men's or women's genitals though I don't recommend it for internal anal stimulation lest it possibly get "lost" (and not lost in translation, which I just watched again late last night).

Please be careful how you hold it! In some hand positions, one's fingers can get caught in the compartment and stop the movement of the tongues. This happened to me once or twice. It didn't hurt, but just wanted to throw that out there in case you are used to moving your hands along with your toy of choice. Or if you have particularly long labia or hair down there that may possibly be an issue too.

The future

The folks at LoveHoney have said that they are planning to roll out different "attachments" in time – so if you decide to try to Sqweel, there should be even more to come. Personally, I would like to see a Sqweel iPhone app. It doesn't have to vibrate like the fancy MyPleasure MyVibe app, it just has to have a great visual of rotating tongues in which the user can control the speed of vibration.

As it is, however, I love it. It's yummy. The Sqweel is a very innovative sex toy. If you try it, please let me know what you think – I always enjoy hearing and learning about others' perspectives and experiences with sex and, in particular, with sex toys.

10 tongues. TEN. The only thing better would be 11. Or 10 plus chocolate.

Silicone material

Comes apart for easy cleaning

Unlikely to produce Fleshlight-furniture-ish shame spiral during use, storage or cleaning

Comfortable to hold

Easy to store in a nightstand or sock drawer

Requires three AAA batteries (a con in my household given that I mostly keep AAs on hand, but may be fine in yours)

Looks like a tape measure

Only 3 speeds. Given how women and men vary, I'd have gone with 5 or 7.

Dr. Debby Herbenick, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, is the Associate Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion in the School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation at Indiana University (IU) where she is a Research Scientist. She is also a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction where she writes (and hosts audio podcasts of) the Kinsey Confidential column and coordinates educational programming. She has a PhD in Health Behavior from IU, a Master's degree in Public Health Education (also from IU) and a bachelor's degree in psychology from the University of Maryland, College Park. In addition, she is certified as a Sexuality Educator from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

Debby writes regular sex columns for Men's Health magazine, Time Out Chicago magazine, Velocity, Cheeky Chicago, Psychology Today and she has also written for Glamour magazine.

I'm actually reviewing two different products from Fleshlight: the Fleshlight Motion ($90-$150) and the Sex in a Can ($40). But they're both just different versions of the same rubber vagina. The Sex in a Can puts that fake vagina in a big fake beer can, while the aforementioned Fleshlight Motion gives you a leather-encased box to hold on to while you do your thing.

In theory, there's nothing wrong with using an object to help out your solo stimulation. After all, ladies have all sorts of fun toys that they use, and it's pretty acceptable. But the male sex toy has never really caught on. Now that I've used one, I can see why.

What You're Getting Yourself Into, Literally

When it gets down to it, these things just don't feel right. They're made of a rubbery material that feels absolutely nothing like anything resembling a human body part. They try to make up for that by instructing you to soak them in warm water first and then using a shitload of lube, but really, you're still fucking a piece of rubber, and there's nothing you can do to trick your body into thinking otherwise.

And do you seriously want to go through the process of soaking a fake vagina in water, lubing it up and then going to town on it? And have you thought about what happens when you're done? This is no kleenex cleanup, my friends. You need to go to a sink and rinse out your rubber vagina and its plastic case. Imagine doing that, and imagine how you'd feel about yourself at that moment. Got that picture in mind? It's worse than that. Trust me.

Surviving the Shame

If you were really interested in these things, however, I can see how the Sex in a Can could be justified. It's pretty discreet, and it's one of those things that could easily be hidden in the back of a sock drawer. And far be it from me to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. But the Fleshlight Motion, well, that's just too much.

Seriously, where are you supposed to put this thing? The best you could do to hide it would be to put it in a closet, and even then it would take up a ton of room. A gigantic leather sex toy is the ultimate dealbreaker if a potential mate comes over. I mean, how can you really justify a huge box with a vagina? At least if you have a creepy sex room with all sorts of wedges and swings it shows that you're into having sex with another person. This just shows an extreme dedication to a party where only you and your penis are invited.

And if you're able to stay aroused when you look down and see this thing beneath you, you're a better man than I. Seriously, there's nothing that kills a boner faster than the self-awareness that comes from being balls deep in a piece of furniture.

At the end of the day, these Fleshlights just made me appreciate the classic standby of jerking off with your hand. I mean, it's so perfect. It fits well, you can adjust the tightness, it's always at human-body temperature, it's free and there's no need to hide it. You just can't improve on that. [Fleshlight]

Will never turn you down

Certainly a different sensation than you're used to

Feels like you're having sex with a CPR doll

Extremely embarrassing if discovered by friends, family or potential mates

Really gross to clean up

At which point "honey" throws up and walks out on me. Again. Nevertheless, one 2-hour movie and a full stomach later, I'm sleeping like a baby, content with the knowledge that no un-popped kernels have infiltrated my digestive system, thereby ruining my evening.

More seriously though, dear readers, the guys at Stupid Inventions claim the vibrator is merely the motor unit from a massage pillow. Sure it is, fellas. Try using that line on your next date. [YouTube via Nowhere Else - Thanks, Zachary]

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Looks like cock rings make excellent cable organizers, and we bet those girls on Sex and the City weren't nearly open-minded enough to think to use The Rabbit vibrator as an immersion blender. My personal favorite, for sheer vulgarity, has to be the use of penis extenders (I had no idea such things even existed) as replacement bicycle hand grips. That one'll scare hell out of the neighbourhood committee. [Homemade Sex Toys]

Part of the Milan Furniture Fair, the "Love Design" collection explores the idea of incorporating sex toys into everyday home furnishings. Let's just say you should feel lucky that we didn't show you the candelabra butt plug. It'll kill that appetite faster than we can light a candle. [Fast Company and Matteo Cibic via bbGadgets]

Dr. Debby Herbenick—author and sex expert—liked our iPhone 3.0 guide so much that she wrote a great phone sex guide inspired by it. Which got me thinking: Can the new OS make the iPhone the best sexual toy ever?

Actually, I think it can. Or at least, it has all the elements to turn it into the most sophisticated sexual machine I can imagine.

Let's start with the basics: First, the new iPhone OS 3.0 adds a rumble application programming interface. Basically, this will allow developers to fine tune the vibration of the iPhone itself. A perfect sexual toy application would be able to store vibration patterns to suit the needs and mood of the user.

But more importantly, it will also receive them wirelessly, in real time: One iPhone running my hypothetical Shiny Shiny Sexual Toy™ would be able to control the other using a simple graphical user interface—touch me, baby—over the network.

In this perfect sexual toy application, there will be a list of sexual partners you can play with across the internet. It will also allow to record sessions and also talk using the new Voice Over IP communication at the same time you are playing. Like the games demonstrated yesterday, but for adults.

And that's just the start. Imagine the possibilities of push notifications and peer-to-peer networking: Woman walks into airport lounge with the sexual toy app in "receive mode." Another iPhone sexual toy user is scanning the application and detects her in proximity, so he or she sends a notification, inviting her to play.

They don't have to get directly into the action, of course. Like Dr. Herbenick says, there are preliminaries, like in every sexual activity. This is where text chat, profiles, and avatars get into scene. A conversation will ensue and, if things get exciting, they can start playing using the vibration mode.

Of course, you are probably thinking, it's ok to play with the vibration mode in the iPhone itself if you are in the privacy of your home... but in public?

That's where the new Device Control interface and the Bluetooth connectivity comes in: The sexual toy would be able to turn the iPhone into the toy itself but it would also be capable of controlling compatible devices—small or big vibrators or chinese balls or whatever device you can think about.

Of course, there's the matter of doing this kind of things in public, but hey, I'm European, and you know we are all pervs who love sex in public (and hey, you can always run into the bathroom, as long as you keep yourself within wireless range).

Sure, some will say that Apple will never allow for this because they don't have adult-oriented apps. Maybe that will change with the new parental controls for applications. And yes, toy-aided cybersex is nothing compared to the real thing, but seriously, even while sometimes they are fun, one-night stands are just way too messy for me. Knowing that I'm having casual sex with someone in such close proximity will be a definitive turn on. And who knows, perhaps the start of something else. [Thanks for the inspiration, Debby]

And if any developer wants to do this, I can design the user interface.

Update: Dr. Herbenick send us her notes about the article.

1) Yes - the ability for developers to fine tune the vibration is key
- and even more important, to allow users to do so. Women vary
enormously and while low intensity is key for some, others need full
throttle. (Also, if men are using vibration, some intensities are too
much, too soon, if you know what I mean).

2) Allowing users to record sessions is very cool... of course, I'd
suggest a feature like in gchat that allows users to know if a session
is on or off record, so both people are consenting to a permanent
record. Another option is to allow you to record your own (solitary)
session in the sense that you can "teach" your phone app what you like
(like the Sasi vibrator that "learns" your preferences) so it can give
you similar vibrations the next time.

3) Push and peer-peer are what remind me of the Sex Toy Tales story I
wrote about in the comments.

4) Device Control is key. And great cross-selling if you can develop
an app and high quality sex toys that work with the app (as you know,
there's great variation is the quality of toys on the market).

Amazingly enough, these DIYers fitted the sex toy right over the blade. Yup...it was still attached. And no, this didn't happen in Germany. It happened in Maryland where the woman was medevaced to Prince George's County Hospital. The good news is that the woman has been released from the hospital and is recovering at home from her injuries. Let that be a lesson to you—HGTV is a good place to pick up ideas for the bedroom, but not for the bedroom. You know what I'm saying? [NBCNY]

Case in point: the Babeland Nubby G. Is it just me or does that thing look like the Facebook icon? Coincidence or is the real secret to Facebook's success? You be the judge. Hit the link for the full list (NSFW of course)[Fleshbot]

Philips labels them "relationship care" gizmos, which kind of deflects attention away from the gadget details: multiple vibration modes (up to 120Hz) and intensities, a wireless charger base/storage case which avoids the need for battery replacements, they make a "soft purring sound," and are ergonomically designed. Silliness aside, it looks like Philips has really thought about these things, and priced them accordingly: the Warm Intimate Massager is around $140 in the UK, while Dual Massagers (his and hers) are $160 as is the unisex version.

Philips' carefully-worded press release below.

London, United Kingdom – Royal Philips Electronics (NYSE:PHG, AEX:PHI) today announced the launch of a new category of ‘Relationship Care’ with the introduction in the UK of a range of products designed to enhance couples’ sexual well-being. These products will specifically target a new and previously unaddressed market of consumers in the 35-55 year age group who are open to using intimate accessories. Philips will sell its ‘Intimate Massager’ range in the UK through selected high street retailers i.e. Boots, Selfridges of London and www.Amazon.co.uk.

“Today’s product launch is exciting as Philips enters this new market with a unique offering for consumers’ personal well-being,” says Sheila Struyck, Head of Market-driven Innovation and Category Leader for Relationship Care within Philips’ Consumer Lifestyle sector. “This is an attractive market opportunity that Philips is in a unique position to pursue. We have the expertise in health and well-being, a strong track record in product design, a deep knowledge of consumer marketing, as well as a brand shown to lend credibility and appeal to this product category by addressing our target market in an accessible way.”

The category is being launched following extensive market research. In the UK, research showed that 35% of adults would consider using an intimate accessory with their partner if it were designed for couples rather than being meant for individual use. Furthermore, studies showed these adults would be more likely to try such products if they could buy them through more accessible and – what consumers perceive to be – less embarrassing retail channels.

The first product launch from the Relationship Care category is a range of ‘Intimate Massagers’. These have been designed to be tasteful and stylish in their look and feel, creating an appealing product for consumers that can be sold by mainstream retailers. Philips’ Intimate Massagers are also the first non-penetrative stimulators designed for partners to use together.

In commenting on the launch of Philips’ new range of Intimate Massagers, Simon McCandlish, Commercial Director for Healthcare from Boots said: “People come to Boots because they trust us to provide excellent healthcare products and advice. We believe that a healthier love life can improve overall health and well-being – and our customers have told us that they would like to buy these products from us. Both Boots and Philips are brands that stand for quality, reliability and trust. Our joint objectives are to provide High Street access to a range of products designed to enhance the love lives of UK consumers.”

Following the UK launch, Philips expects to introduce its range of Intimate Massagers in other European markets in 2009.

The launch of this new category reinforces Philips’ strategy as a health and well-being company to build market leadership positions in high-growth, high-margin businesses. For 2008, Philips estimates the value of the market for Relationship Care – a new and previously unaddressed market - to be approximately EUR 70 million for the UK and approximately EUR 280 million for Western Europe, with growth rates between 5% and 15%.

Philips’ new Relationship Care product category will form part of Philips’ Health & Wellness business unit within the company’s Consumer Lifestyle sector.

Lighting:

The first thing you need to do is set an erotic mood. This giant bustier lamp should do the trick. [Japanese Bustier Lamp]

We all know that kids tend to wander back to the nest when the food and money runs out. That means you need a backup plan to protect your privacy. The "Sex in Progress" lamp will ensure that you kid will be running back to the dorm as fast as possible. Available for $25. [Baron Bob via Link]

The Bed:

Now it is time to focus on the most important part of the room—the bed. One option is to go with the Private Cloud—a patented rocking bed by German designer Manuel Kloker. Legend has it that a couple was so intense that they managed to complete one full revolution. Think of the possibilities. [Manuel Kloker via Link]

Prefer something a little...rougher? No problem. Try Master R's Dungeon quality BDSM play frame. To the naked eye it looks like an innocent four-poster frame, but it features special fittings for slings, mirrors, stocks and other restraints for weird, painful fun. Available for $2655. [Master R's]

No matter what bed you choose, the Karmasheetra is a good accessory. It's like an even more perverted version of Twister. Available for about $35. [Shiny Shack]

Furniture:

No room would be complete without a few pieces of furniture, and the Adult Fun Stool is a must-have for any adult hideaway. The chair is spring loaded, so it will bounce up and down with you as you make good use of the attachment on top. Speaking of that, it is fully removable so you can use it like a traditional stool when not "in use." Just make sure to keep plenty of bleach on hand. Available for $315. [AFB]

Unfortunately, the legendary Vagina Couch was an art project sold on Craigslist earlier this year, so you may not be able to get your hands on the version pictured here. However, it could give you some good ideas if you are handy with a sewing machine. [Craigslist]

Accessories:

Now that you have the major components of the room down, it is time to start adding some finishing touches. If you simply must have a landline phone in the room, the Bona Phone is the only way to go with its patented "touch bone dialing" and orgasm ringtone. What you choose to do with it beyond making phone calls is your business. Available for $27. [Sensual Universe via Link]

If you and the Mrs. enjoy a game of chess now and then, this erotic version is sure to satisfy on multiple levels—especially if you are into some weird stuff. The pieces in this set get really freaky. [Russian Mammoth]

The last thing you need when you finally have the house to yourself is another kid cramping your style. It's always safety first with the condom-dispensing panic button. [Link]

Bonus: Finally, what intimate evening would be complete without taking a drag on that after-sex cigarette? Therefore, it is only fitting that we conclude this journey into the nether regions of the soul with what is undoubtedly the most offensive ashtray ever conceived of by man. [Link]