Kathy explains that they "were dating, but were just friendly. I never fucked him or anything!" And that whole engagement thing? That was just Kathy putting on a fake ring and not telling him. Oh you! Way to screw with the media by semi-lying. Let's hope this is the last time you try and get in the news for being connected to Woz. [Ed Note: I actually think it's hilarious. Keep it up Woz and Kathy! - B.L.] [US Magazine]

Tenga Demo Video (Safe):

In fact, the two men were representatives from Tenga who spent the $20 entrance fee in order to conduct a "little research" into their new product. So, if you want to go pro with your masturbating hobby, you are going to need to get yourself a Tenga cup and practice, practice, practice. But that is what it takes to be a true champion—blood, sweat, and semen. So get cracking guys! We need to bring this title home to the USA next year! [SF Weekly via 3yen and Fleshbot]

So, let's see. No anal sex without prior negotiation. Condoms must be worn, unless the nerd-gin wishes to release his manfat on Tanya's body. No under-18s. Proof that the victimrgin supports net neutrality must be provided (a black tee-shirt with "I Support Net Neutrality" emblazoned on the front won't cut it, sorry.) Finally, Tanya "may deny service for hygiene reasons."

This is not the first time that Ms Devereaux has offered up her orifices for a good cause. Last year she put 40,000 blowjobs on the negotiating table when she ran for a seat in the Belgian senate, as a protest against other politicians' claims that they would create 400,000 jobs. Clearly she thought that sucking on a pencil would get voters putting a XXXX in her box. [Don't Stay Virgin and Skirmisher—thanks Dirk]

The end result, after programming the computer to think that this makeshift device is a mouse, is that you can use your wang to simulate having sex with a woman on screen. Of course, it's an incredibly ugly woman with 1995-era graphics, but it corresponds to your penile motions. Is this a revolution in sexual computing? Are we going to see more of these devices in the future? We think yes. [Slashdong (NSFW) via Fleshbot (NSFW)]

[AudioJunkies]

I've had enough. Can I go home now, please? [Product Page via Kanojo Toys]

It's the love doll they never wanted you to know about! For years they've locked it away, kept it classified and tried to prevent man from enjoying extraterrestrial pleasure. Now you can experience what humans have fantasized about for decades...incredible sex with an alien! It's pussy-shaped mouth, 3 supples breasts, suction cup fingers and ass-shaped ears make it the kinkiest love slave in the galaxy.

Suctioncupfingersthreeboobedpussymouthvinyl? I'll be there like shareware. Buying one now. Test with me, Addy, and possibly the dog, soon. [Sextoy via Nerd Approved]

For all those who were gagging to see a giant illuminated phallus, I apologise; it was a very mean trick. Graphic image aside, the Oral Sex Light will set you back $13.99, and mounts (ha) via a clip-on ear piece. The torch attached is completely flexible, meaning you can totally scope out those hard to find regions. Unfortunately, if you ever did try to wow a date with your I-come-prepared attitude, she'll likely be out of the door quicker than she could say, "What the hell was I doing there in the first place?" At that point, you'll have to make use of the Oral Sex Light on your own, which will be an even sadder and more twisted state of affairs than normal. You suck. [Nerd Approved]

To me, it looks like an alien hockey puck, or maybe a massive, smoothed out sweet tart. But here's the actual idea:

Reminiscent of a condom shape warped into the surface of one's leather wallet, the NYC Condom's approachable shape and friendly brand helps create an air of openness and acceptance, thus removing the stigma of the condom as something to be ashamed off.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

Image courtesy Complex

The 3600 comes with a roter (vibrator), lotion, and a costume. The Core comes with the roter, lotion, a condom, but no costume. You could technically get the job done without a costume, like you could without a hard drive, but it's not really pleasant, if you know what we mean. And a condom? That's like the memory card. Kinda unnecessary for the task at hand. If there were a SeXbox 3600 Elite—and there's no reason to think that there wouldn't be—we imagine that the beefier package would also have a doll.

Oh, and the Wiin Remote is also available. It's just a vibrator, which makes the "Wiin" sound in Japanese. [Akiba Blog via Kotaku]

(No, this is not that crappy Ukranian knockoff.) Yes, Paul Lyons can proudly tell the world he owns a patent for "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." It's all about free love—you can record whatever music or sound you want, be it "Danger Zone" or "Thriller." I shudder at the possibilities.

Amazingly, it's never actually been produced. Idolator brings this gadget abortion back into the spotlight because they actually want this thing to happen probably because they're all depressed over there, awaiting the arrival of the Four Horsemen.

Sigh, so I kind of have to ask as much as every atom of my being is telling me not to: What would your (or your partner's) cocktone be if this small gateway to hell landed on your nightstand? Goddamnit. [Inventor Spot via Idolator]

You go zzzzzzz, because business hours are over, baby. [Private Cloud]

Quite a lot of cool, calm thought must have gone into this design—JeJoue's similar product from a while back had programmable, downloadable motions but their research suggested users would prefer something a little more spontaneous. So while you can no longer blog and share the motion files (fascinating concept!) the SaSi has two modes: a simple "natural" mode where you can select from its pre-chosen vibe patterns, and the "learn" mode, where it morphs between different styles, learning what you like as you vote yes or no using its (apparently) iPod-inspired control pad.

Its a high-end product, since electronic pleasure with this level of cleverness will cost you $175 when it's on sale in a couple of months, but at least you get removable silicon covers for that price. And you'll get to explore an attentive electronic bed-partner. You know, there are some product design meetings that we'd just love to have been attending.

Video by NickMcGlynn
[FleshBot and Wired]

Update: The device is available in the States. Horny Westerners rejoice! $18-$27 [US Product Page]

The case is a centimeter thick, and slides open like a a cellphone with the rubber ready to go, preventing drunken Knocked Up moments. The packaging setup's aesthetically well-endowed too, with a ring of condoms surrounding the case, which looks sorta like if Apple designed contraceptives. On other hand, most Apple products now come with color options other than white, and the limited palette's a downer. Where's the neon? [Yanko Design]

"Since the iPhone has the same music storage and playback capabilities as the iPod, we knew we had to make sure that all of our products functioned with the iPhone, too," said OhMiBod founder Suki. "When the iPhone is attached to your OhMiBod and you receive a call, OhMiBod will vibrate to the caller's voice, a feature that will truly revolutionize phone sex!"

In addition to the iPhone OhMiBod, there's also going to be smaller "nano" versions, which will retail for $69 and be available in pink, black, green and blue to match the new nanos. Look for hands on of this at AVN by either myself or Frucci (or myself on Frucci). [AVN via Fleshbot]

Fortunately, Mehdi Mojtabvi's Love Mattress offers a genius solution involving polyurethane-injected foam strips that allow arms and feet to fit snugly in the gaps. Apparently, the latter would be good for those who tend to sleep on their stomachs—but it doesn't take a vivid imagination to think of some other uses for that kind of traction. Too bad it is only a concept at this point. [Gooya Design via Freshome via Inventor Spot]

• The Danger Bomb Alarm Clock. This clock is sure to wake you up for the event, because it makes an exploding noise until you figure out how to turn it off. Sure, we could've gone with the Orgasmo, which makes the sound of a female orgasm, but that would probably just put us back in dream land. Besides, the Danger Bomb will serve as a good reminder of your own impending sensory explosion.

Now for the guys, here are some suggestions to get you going:

• A sex doll. For all those do-it-yourselfers (haha! get it?) with time on your hands, build a companion to cuddle with tonight. Make sure to hide it when company is around.

• The Blowjob Machine. If you don't have time to build but still crave the feeling of a robot lover, go with this gadget out of Japan. This thing looks more "vacuum cleaner" than "erotic," so be careful.

• The Rubbot. More mechanical goodness, the Rubbot is the most discreet male sex toy of the bunch. Too bad it's still in beta, because judging by the job it did on that beer bottle you wouldn't have any problem making it to the finish line in time.

• 1-900-Nerd-Girl. So you just can't seem to get *there* without a little dirty talk? How about a little nerdy talk instead? Hearing these ladies talk Star Wars and D&D will have your lightsaber up in no time.

• Condom applicator. If you'll be sharing in the global orgasm with that special someone, you're going to want one of these. Over-population is a major factor in world unrest, so don't make the problem any worse.

Ladies, don't think we forgot about you! We at Giz have heard know that the female orgasm is not a myth, and we couldn't leave you out of the festivites, so for you we present:

• A Vibrator. We have so many to choose from, but we decided to go with Inch Perfect, because it's huge, it precise, and you need to get the job done quickly.

• The Call Me Panties. Stick your cellphone in the Call Me Panties front pocket, put it on vibrate and set your alarm. That way, you'll be on your way to saving the world without leaving your bed.

• Nintendo Wii. How will a Wii help you reach orgasm, you ask? Just ask this woman, she seems to have it down.

And finally, for everyone:

• Open Mouth Ashtray. Phew, after all that hard work, you're probably going to want a cigarette. Nothing says "I just participated in a Global Orgasm" quite like this ashtray.

That should be enough to get you started on your journey to heal the world. With less than 12 hours until the big moment, you better start making plans. I know what I'll be doing at 1:08 AM EST; Hell, I probably would have been doing it anyway. [Global Orgasm, World Clock for 6:08 GMT]

The program could become the Don to your lonely Juan: Once it chats up the ladies (or supposed ladies, or supposed human non-chatbots), it hands them off to you: "Within half an hour the CyberLover program will introduce you to ... girls, exchange photos and perhaps even a contact phone number."

But Sergei Shevchenko, a malware analyst at PC Tools, says: "As a tool that can be used by hackers to conduct identity fraud, CyberLover demonstrates an unprecedented level of social engineering."

Is that an endorsement or a condemnation? Either way it proves my point about y'all going around visiting .ru sites. It's only available in Russian, where it takes far fewer words to get a lady excited, as long as those words include "fur coat," "vodka," and "diamond-studded rims on my Bentley". If you do speak Russian, however, and want to CAREFULLY check out these claims, jump to Reuters for a link to the nasty.

CyberLover goes on sale February 15, perhaps as a suicide remedy on the morning after Valentine's Day. [Reuters]

Sex with Robots? Happening.
Jailbreaking iPod Touch units on Macs is super easy.
The Family Guy finally explained an issue we had with the Star Wars plotline.
The iPod's head just got bigger. Yes, it was possible.

An ultrasonic or laser-based distance sensor, and an infrared ray temperature sensor installed around the speaker of the phone measures the distance of the phone to your ear and the temperature inside your eardrum. Then, software inside the phone processes the measurements and transforms them into BBT records, before recommending that, yes, you can have hot, crazy rumpo with no consequences, or yes, you've got a chance of making Junior if you get busy tonight.

It's not a bad idea, given that a lot of women would rather lose a leg than be separated from their mobile, but how are Samsung going to market this? Presumably not, as we have, as a safe-sex phone, as it's won't protect from STDs.

Here's a bit of the patent application, but be warned that the word menstruation is used repeatedly in it.

[0089] Referring to FIGS. 2 and 7, as shown in FIG. 7, the information control unit 218 may display the user's generated menstruation information, e.g. fertile period information, on the display unit 219 of the portable device, i.e. on a screen of the portable device in a form of a calendar. Also, the information control unit 218 may display a graph 720 in which the user's menstruation information is indicated in each color. In the graph 720, a black interval 711 indicates a menstruation period, a green interval 712 indicates an infertile period, a yellow interval 713 indicates a pregnancy possibility period, and a red interval 714 indicates a fertile period.

Also, when the menstruation starting day is not inputted by the user, the information control unit 218 may provide the user with an alarm to induce the user to check for pregnancy.

What I want to know is, if you use your girlfriend's cell to take a call, do you completely bork the calendar, or does it bust you as being in possession of a penis and shut down? [Unwiredview]

All credit goes to Flickr Set cszar

[via Sexoteric via Fleshbot]

1. Take a wire clothes hanger. Unbend it (you may need to ask a burly friend to do this—how about that nice male nurse who brings you your special magic pills each evening?) until it is almost straight.

2. Wind some nice soft fabric or ribbon around the wire. You may find the ties on your special white jacket that fastens at the back useful here. Congratulations! The tail is now finished.

3. Attach a camera to the end of it. Perhaps the one in the corner of your special padded bedroom will do—yes, that's right, the one with the small red winking eye that is always telling you, in that secret, blinky language that only you and it understand, that WOMEN ARE THE CEREMONIAL TOBY JUGS THAT SATAN'S HOUSEKEEPER KEEPS ON THE FRENCH DRESSER IN HIS KITCHENETTE AND THEY MUST BE DESTROYED. ALL OF THEM.

4. Hurrah! Now you're ready to use it.

5. Using the other end of the wire, pick the special lock of your special bedroom door. That's right. Down the corridor you go, using it to check round the corners that none of your special burly friends are lying in wait for you.

6. Once out of the special compound, make for the train station. This may be difficult as your special slippers with the ball and chain round them will hamper your movements. Don't worry, slow and steady wins the race every time.

7. Keep your eyes out for a lay-dee/ceremonial toby jug of Satan or whatever you prefer to call them. Once you have located one, say nothing.

8. Hide behind her and, slowly, quietly, put the end of the tail with the camera attached up her skirt. Not too far up, mind you, or nothing will be in focus.

9. Howl like a banshee as you realise there is no way you're going to see the secret, hidden part of Satan's toby jugs, as you left your UMPC behind.

10. When they come for you, do not resist. It is futile—not to mention painful.

11. When the nice burly man has returned you to your room, and given you your special pills, you can start making the tail cam All. Over. Again. [Angel Kitty via Shiny Shiny]

Chris Pirillo [via
Valleywag]

Best touch? Making a used popcorn container from the theater into sex receptacle. Those M&Ms never knew what hit them. – Jason Chen

Make Your Own Sexdoll [Homemade Sex Toys (NSFW) via Fleshbot (NSFW)]

News of this product has reached the ears of the suits black turtlenecks in Cupertino and apparently they are not happy. More, plus a picture of the iGasm unboxed (and unPantsed, you'll be pleased to hear) after the jump.

Jacqueline Gold, boss of the sex toy company, received a legal letter from Apple (let's face it, the symbol of original sin) asking it to cease and desist with its promotional posters, a juicy rip-off of the iPod silhouette campaign—only this time, instead of the white wires going into her pocket, they are disappearing into her scanties.

Ms Gold's only response has been humorous. "Perhaps I can send them an iGasm to put the smile back on their faces." Er, I don't think it will work on Steve, as I think he is lacking the correct—how shall we say this?—plumbing. – Ad Dugdale

Apple Moans over Sex Toy Spat [The Register]

The thruster attaches to a table or other solid surface and has a "Highspeed piston," "Powerful movement" and a "High quality stabilizer". It's essentially a masturbation machine you control with that hand lever, which varies speed and intensity depending on how you like it.

Kanjo Toys claims that it's fantastic because you don't have to buy new "onacups" to put in it, which we're guessing means you're going to have to wash this when you're done. No word on whether it's dishwasher safe.

Better shot after the jump.

– Jason Chen

Robotech Thruster masturbation machine [Kanjotoys]