There is even talk of major retailers like Target and Best Buy getting involved—but you have to wonder whether or not the moniker of a semi-defunct gadget company is enough to drive sales of vacuums and massage chairs in other stores. Either way, if this is Sharper Image's "big announcement," that is pretty lame. [WSJ]

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Jun 01, 2008 15:00

Sharper Image(R) Store Closing Sale Now Underway at All Locations

20% To 40% Discounts Offered on All Merchandise, Just in Time for Father's Day
NORTHBROOK, Ill. —(Business Wire)— Jun. 1, 2008 Store closing sales have just begun at all 86 Sharper Image(R) stores as part of a major transformation of the Sharper Image brand. Over $50 million of inventory is being sold.

Discounts of 20% to 40% are now being offered on all merchandise in all stores. Consumers will be able to take advantage of deep discounts and important savings on electronics and toys as well as products for the home, personal care, the office and travel.

The store closing program is led by Hilco Merchant Resources, LLC and Gordon Brothers Retail Partners, LLC. Michael Keefe, President of Hilco Merchant Resources stated, "This is an outstanding opportunity for consumers to realize unprecedented savings on a remarkable selection of products not to be found anywhere but in Sharper Image stores. This is sure to be a very popular sale, which will not last very long and comes at a perfect time for making Father's Day gift purchases."

Going forward, transformation of the Sharper Image brand will be led by Hilco Consumer Capital, LLC, Gordon Brothers Brands, LLC and additional joint venture partners. The group, which purchased the iconic brand at a bankruptcy auction on May 29, 2008, has developed a global licensing strategy for wholesale, retail, direct-to-retail (DTR), e-commerce and catalog businesses that will exploit The Sharper Image's heritage of quality, excitement, innovation and fun. The Sharper Image brand will be extended internationally in both existing and new product categories.

Store closing sales are being conducted at all Sharper Image locations: -0-

Store Location Address City St.
—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—--
The Summit 250 Summit Blvd. Birmingham AL
Chenal Place 12319 Chenal Pkwy. Little Rock AR
Kierland Commons 15054 N. Scottsdale Rd. Scottsdale AZ
Chandler Fashion Ctr. 3111 West Chandler Blvd. Chandler AZ
South Bay Galleria 1815 Hawthorne Blvd. 160 Redondo Beach CA
Fashion Island 401 Newport Ctr., A 225 Newport Beach CA
Main Place 2800 N. Main 652 Santa Ana CA
Village @ Corte Madera 1544 Redwood Hwy. Corte Madera CA
Fashion Valley Mall 7007 Friar's Rd. San Diego CA
Valley Fair Mall 2855 Stevens Creek Blvd. Santa Clara CA
Stanford Shopping Ctr. 16 Stanford Shopping Ctr. Palo Alto CA
Gardens on El Paseo 73-595 El Paseo Palm Desert CA
Mission Viejo 440 Shops at Miss. Viejo Mission Viejo CA
Hillsdale Ctr. 160 Hillsdale Ctr. San Mateo CA
The Oaks Ctr. 578 West Hillcrest Dr. Thousand Oaks CA
Stoneridge Ctr. 1650 Stoneridge Mall Rd. Pleasanton CA
Victoria Gardens 12434 South Main St. Rancho Cucamonga CA
Santa Anita 400 S. Baldwin Ave. Arcadia CA
Cherry Creek Ctr. Space 163 Denver CO
Aspen Grove 7301 South Santa Fe Dr. Littleton CO
Georgetown Park 3222 M St. NW Washington DC
Town Ctr. Boca Raton 276 Town Ctr. Boca Raton FL
Gardens 3101 PGA Blvd., Sp 125 Palm Bch. Gdns FL
Dadeland Mall 7507 N. Kendall Dr. Miami FL
Sawgrass Mills 12801 W. Sunrise, Sp. 331 Sunrise FL
Aventura Mall Room 1721 Aventura FL
Florida Mall 8001 S. Orange Blossom Tr. Orlando FL
International Plaza 2223 N. West Shore Blvd. Tampa FL
The Mall at Millenia 4200 Conroy Rd., Suite 290 Orlando FL
St. Johns Town Ctr. 4712 River City Dr. Jacksonville FL
North Point Mall 1030 North Point Circle Alpharetta GA
Oglethorpe Mall 7804 Abercorn Extension Savannah GA
Phipps Plaza 3500 Peachtree Rd. NE Atlanta GA
Ala Moana Ctr. 1450 Ala Moana Blvd. 2232 Honolulu HI
Queen Kaahumanu Ctr. 275 W. Kaahumanu Ave. Kahului HI
Woodfield Ctr. L103 Woodfield Schaumburg IL
Oakbrook Ctr. 500 Oakbrook Ctr. Oak Brook IL
Keystone Crossing 8701 Keystone Crossing Indianapolis IN
Oxmoor Ctr. 7900 Shelbyville Rd. Louisville KY
Lakeside Ctr. 3301 Veterans Mem. Blvd. Metairie LA
Natick Collection 1245 Worcester St. Natick MA
Montgomery Mall 7101 Democracy Blvd. Bethesda MD
Somerset Collection W 2801 Big Beaver Rd. Troy MI
Country Club Plaza 333 West 47th St. Kansas City MO
Crabtree Valley Mall 4325 Glenwood Ave. Raleigh NC
SouthPark Mall 4400 Sharon Rd. Charlotte NC
Mall at Short Hills 1200 Morris Turnpike Short Hills NJ
Bridgewater Commons 400 Commons Way, # 159 Bridgewater NJ
Garden State Plaza Routes 4 & 17 Paramus NJ
Marlton Square Ctr. 300 Route 73 South Marlton NJ
Menlo Park Mall 55 Parsonage Rd., Unit 441 Edison NJ
ABQ Uptown 2201 Q St. NE Albuquerque NM
Fashion Show 3200 Las Vegas Blvd. Las Vegas NV
Crossroads Commons 8885 West Charleston Las Vegas NV
Green Valley Ranch 2225 Village Walk Dr. Henderson NV
Galleria at Sunset 1300 West Sunset Rd. Henderson NV
10 West 57th St. 10 West 57th St. New York NY
The Westchester 125 Westchester Ave. 3180 White Plains NY
Roosevelt Field Ctr. Space 2081 Garden City NY
Palisades Ctr. 2562 Palisades Ctr. Dr. West Nyack NY
Smith Haven Mall 138 Smith Haven Mall Lake Grove NY
Eton Chagrin Blvd. 28853 Chagrin Blvd. Woodmere OH
Easton Town Ctr. 4205 The Strand Columbus OH
Penn Square Mall 1901 Northwest Expressway Oklahoma City OK
Woodland Hills Mall 7021 South Memorial Tulsa OK
Washington Square 9348 SW Washington Sq. Rd. Tigard OR
Plaza King of Prussia 160 North Gulph Rd. King of Prussia PA
Village at Sandhill 470-16 Town Ctr. Place Columbia SC
Mall at Green Hills 2126 Abbott Martin Rd. Nashville TN
Preston Ctr. 8411 Preston Rd. 130 Dallas TX
North Star Mall 7400 San Pedro San Antonio TX
Houston Galleria 3 5175 Westheimer Ste 2430 Houston TX
Baybrook Mall 1042 Baybrook Mall Friendswood TX
NorthPark Ctr. 624 Northpark Ctr. Dallas TX
Sugar Land Town Sq. 16165 City Walk Sugar Land TX
Highland Village 4056 Westheimer Houston TX
Market St. - Woodlands 9595 Six Pines Dr. The Woodlands TX
Barton Creek Square 2901 Capital of Texas Hwy. Austin TX
La Plaza Mall 2200 S 10th St, Space P-01 McAllen TX
Shops at La Cantera 15900 La Cantera Pkwy. San Antonio TX
Tysons Galleria 2001 International Dr. McLean VA
Dulles Town Ctr. 21100 Dulles Town Circle Dulles VA
Century Square 116 1501 Fourth Ave. Seattle WA
Bellevue Square 264 Bellevue Square Bellevue WA
Alderwood Mall 3000 184th St. Southwest Lynnwood WA
Mayfair Mall 2500 North Mayfair Rd. Wauwatosa WI

Price:$129.95

Verdict: It works, but with only 600 watts of power, you are going to need a little patience. It is going to take about 4 minutes and 30 seconds to cook something as substantial as a Hot Pocket or popcorn, which is significantly longer than most standard microwaves. Still, it gets the job done—and despite its diminutive size (10.5"x12"x10" with an oven capacity of 8.5"x 8.0"x 5" and a total weight of 12 pounds) it can handle most normal microwave food with no problems. I was also surprised to find that it was whisper quiet when running. All in all it is a solid device, but there is no doubt that the price is a bit steep. But, if space is limited and you have a thing for gadgets with handles, the iWavecube is a viable option—and I wouldn't wait around too long if you know what I mean. [Shaper Image]

That, and this:

The company also made a bunch of strategic missteps. It relied too heavily on blockbuster products, like the Razor scooter. It sold a ton of Ionic Breeze air purifiers, which Consumer Reports panned so viciously in 2002 that a class action lawsuit was filed against Sharper Image for refunds. (A judge's rejection of a settlement to that lawsuit—she didn't like the $19 store coupon proposed for each Ionic owner—seemed to precipitate the Chapter 11 filing.)

So are we going to only be left with Brookstone, which is privately held by some Asian company that makes high-end massage chairs? Perhaps. None of us can really tell the difference between the two companies anyway. When's the last time we went there when we weren't trying to pass the time while our wives/girlfriends shopped? As the post says, "If you want to stoke your gadget lust, you head to Gizmodo or Engadget, two of roughly 74 million gadget blogs. Or you head to the Apple Store, or Circuit City." [Washington Post]

Due to lousy sales and getting the pants sued off it due to its useless Ionic Breeze "air purifiers," these are tough days for the retailer. With the internet offering more useless gadgets than any brick-and-mortar store could compete with, it's not a real shocker that stores like Sharper Image are finding it impossible to stay afloat, but I still have a soft spot in my heart for a store that's based around selling barbeque forks with built-in thermometers, foot massagers and overly-complicated personal organizers. You've gotta wonder how long it'll be before Brookstone suffers the same fate. [Reuters]

Apparently not, since the system also has a 50m range. Mind you, that is hard to believe, even with the 2.4GHz transmitting goodness. Getting your music into the great urban jungle, for all to hear, shall set you back $199.95. [Coolest Gadgets]

• iBeam Stereo with AM/FM & Universal Dock for iPod
• Dual CD Stereo with universal Dock for iPod (pictured)
• Metro Stereo/Tuner for CD, iPod & MP3
• Bedside Phone Center with Universal Dock for iPod
• Solo CD, iPod & MP3 Stereo
• Big Screen Clock/Radio with Sound Soother 20 and Stereo ZipConnect for iPod and MP3
• AudioClear CD Stereo with Universal Dock for iPod

Wow, Sharper Image. You guys really go balls to the wall with this iPod speaker dock craziness. –Travis Hudson

Sharper Image offers new iPod-ready speaker systems [iLounge]

Along with "iPal," "iPulse," and "MiFlower." Oh, and the NYT cutely and innovatively blesses us with "iSilly." Please stop. My head hurts. A lot. Where are the Apple lawyers when you need them?

Most disturbing though, is that in the narrative this article paints, coming up with a great word to slap "i" onto is apparently the most important part of the process of making these accessories, since it predates the creation of the products themselves:

Mr. Schneider said that he and his executives had asked themselves a single question: "What can we do to make something that could be utilized with iPod?"

First, he said, the company came up with a name that would tie its prospective line of products to iPod (my emphasis). The result was iPals, which Commonwealth quickly registered and trademarked. Next, the company moved to define the personality of an iPal.

The first iPal, released last year, was a shaggy, plush creature resembling a teardrop-shaped extraterrestrial with stereo speakers for eyes positioned on long, flexible stalks. The shaggy iPal plugs into any audio player with a standard headphone jack, avoiding the need for an Apple license.

In conclusion, new rule: for the love of God, no more "i" anything, unless it is made by Apple, Inc., and it may be time for them to move on to a new branding scheme too. There has to be another way to tell the world that your accessory is for the iPod. And yes, I realize that the headline of this post is iRonic. – Matt Buchanan

IPod's Groovy Factor [NYT]

Product Pages [Via Bargainist]

Sharper Image integrates USB charger into desk lamp [MobileMag]

Spion Orbitor Electronic Listening Device [Uncrate]

If its 512MB of internal memory isn't enough, you can insert an SD, MMC or MS memory card and be sure it's well-stocked with as many photos as you'd like. You can also use it as an alarm clock, and can play your tunes through its tiny speaker. Still, you'd think for $300 Sharper Image could offer WiFi or Internet connectivity with a product like this. – Charlie White

Product Page [Sharper Image, via Coolest Gadgets]

Shaper Image iDock [via New Launches]

What's the deal, Sharper Image? This thing is $39.95 worth of crap. – Travis Hudson

Product Page [Via Ubergizmo]

Accommodating any sized tube of toothpaste inside, it gives you one-handed dispensing, pumping out the toothpaste when you push on the bottom with your toothbrush.

It's hard to tell exactly how this $59.95 thingamajig works—the company says there's a "patented X-Pump" that mechanically forces out the toothpaste— but we'll believe it when we see it. – Charlie White

Product Page [Sharper Image, via Coolest Gadgets]

If you were looking forward to buying one of those Sharper Image Breathalyzers you saw on the AirMall catalogue on your way back from seeing your "other" family in Vegas, think again. The San Diego Consumer Protection Unit found that the claims of being accurate to 0.001 percent were bogus, and Sharper Image reached a settlement agreement with San Diego law enforcement agencies on Friday.

The result, SI is going to stop selling these and pay $1.2 million for restitution and another $100,000 for advertising these as so insanely accurate. If you bought one—because you were so damn drunk—you can go and get a refund, but don't expect an apology, since they "admitted no wrongdoing". At least you'll get your $99.95 back. – Jason Chen

Sharper Image reaches breathalyzer deal [Business Week]

Soap Genie Automatic Soap Dispenser [I4U]

How Do You Say "Low End" in Dutch?

Several years back, I visited an American pal who was hunkered down in West Berlin. On a lark, we took a Soviet-era train to the (intermittently) lovely Polish town of Szczecin, to catch some of the sights. (Yes, our travel plans were made during a Bitburger binge.) En route, my friend whipped out an electronic German-English dictionary, crowing that his girlfriend had dropped upwards of $100 to buy him the gadget. Seemed like a fair price at the time—your own personal, handheld translator? Pretty impressive circa 1999.

Nowadays? Um, not so much. We've reached the point where the gadgets cart at New York's fabled Port Authority Bus Terminal—located right by Gate 200, if you're interested—sells Franklin electronic translators for under $30. Just in case you've come into the city for a date, and want to impress the lucky lady (or bloke) by ordering the night's paella in Spanish. Never saw the day coming when overcoming God's post-Tower of Babel wrath would be so cheap, but there you go—good thing memory prices have slid so precipitously in the past five years. After the jump, the rundown on what'll help you overcome the world's polyglot reality, despite the fact that you've got next to nil in your checking account. PLUS: You want boomboxes? Lordy, we got boomboxes. Do we ever.

The first name in electronic translators, of course, is Franklin. Not only do these folks make the lion's share of translators you'll find at shops worldwide, but they also do a fine business in digital handheld Scrabble dictionaries and bibles. The latter product line isn't truly low-end, in that the cheapest models (which offer the complete King James or New International versions) are close to the $50 mark. Still, that's an exceedingly fair price for 791,328 words of wisdom, right?

Franklin's bread-and-butter, though, is those translators, which range from a simple Spanish-English version to a behemoth that can handle a dozen tongues, from Czech to Turkish. What's amazing is the price break that Franklin gives you for upping the number of languages you want to process—the Spanish-English model lists at $24.95, while the 12-language unit goes for just $15 more. The catch is that the single-language translators are a lot more comprehensive; I wouldn't try asking your 12-language Franklin how to say "conflagration" in Hungarian, lest you fry the things circuits. Oh, and the Spanish-English model also features Hangman, the perfect way to pass a 14-hour layover at the Cuzco bus station.

The drawback on all the Franklin products is the screen, typically a three-line LCD that'll slowly kill your eyeballs over several weeks of travel. The folks at The Sharper Image (a Low End Theory favorite) understand this weakness, which explains why they're, um, scientists cooked up the 12-Language Talking Translator, which recites useful nuggets in a voice akin to that of WOPR. It's fascinating to note what languages the Sharper Image crew chose to include here—aside from the obvious Western tongues, they also plugged in Japanese, Mandarin, and Swedish. That last one's a true headscratcher, given that a) Swedish is the native tongue of just 9 million human beings, and b) about 8 million of those folks speak another language fairly well, judging by my (admittedly limited) travels in that quasi-socialist paradise of pricey beer and athletic blondes. Swap in Arabic or another more widely spoken language, and they would be in business. (Private note to my friend Jeff, who married a Swede and now resides in beautiful Gothenburg: Sorry, my brother, but you know I speak the truth.)

The Sharper Image unit gives you a paltry-yet-adequate 8,500 verbal phrases—enough to get you a hot meal and a hotel room, though not much else. Seems like a good deal at $39.95, but let's face it—sometimes you only have $20 bill, and the value meal at Taco Bell is calling your name. In instances such as these, my advice is to economize on your translator and plump for this unbranded four-language translator, priced to move at a lower-than-low $13.50. No technological comparison with the Franklin or Sharper Image units, as this credit-card unit only has enough memory for 36,000 words and 400 useful phrases in German, English, Spanish, and French. But if you're only goal is survival on a European adventure—or to impress your date at the local fondue joint—this is a budget option to consider.

There's a zillion other low-end translators I could drone on about, like Lingo's Global 8, but I'll spare you the agony. Suffice to say that the low-ending of electronic translators could be Exhibit A in the case for why the memory revolution matters oh-so-much. For discount electronics, the key factor usually isn't processing power, but merely the volume of information that can be stored. And with each passing year, a byte's worth of memory just gets cheaper and cheaper. It wouldn't surprise me one bit to walk by that same Port Authority electro-cart four years hence and see the Franklin 100-language translator on sale for, oh, $39.95 or so. And what a glorious day that'll be, as I've long yearned to order a meal in Xhosa.

BOOMBOX DATABASE: Wow, no idea there were so many Yorx fans out there. The response to my column on the late, not-so-great stereomaker elicited a strong reader response, mainly from folks who waxed nostalgic over their Yorx gear of old.

No one was quite as enthusiastic, however, as one Jens Gruber of Germany, developer of the Boombox Database. He alerted me to the fact that he's got the details on at least 24 Yorx products in his annals, which currently list the specs on 6,800 radios and cassette recorders (with 24,000 pictures thrown in for good measure). If you got weak at the knees after reading the preceding sentence, it makes sense to purchase Jens' database on DVD for a mere $40. It'll take up a gig on your hard drive, but that seems fair given the hours of enjoyment you'll derive. There are few greater pleasures in life than peeping specs on, and JPEGs of, late '70s ghetto blasters, after all.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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like a new-fashioned jukebox — with multiple red, blue and green LED lights pulsing on and off in sync with the pitch and beat of the music.

New! iPulse ZipConnect Speakers with ColorSync Light Show [Product Page]
[Thanks JT!]

Sharpened Up for a Bit of the Ol' Ultra-Useless

As a Geekish-American pre-teen, I kept two publications stashed beneath my boxspring: the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue (especially the one with Elle McPherson in the Dominican Republic) and the latest Sharper Image catalogue. Man, how I loved peeping those seemingly fancy gadgets, and dreaming of the day when I'd have $395 to drop on a Laserx laser pointer. Yes, $395—it used a "helium neon gas plasma laser tube" with a range of 55 yards, so it was obviously worth every penny. And, like Elle in the swimsuit issue, the Laserx was backlit and airbrushed to inspire a Pavlovian response—my first taste of printed gadget porn.

Then my pops actually ponied up for the $129 "sound soother," and my Sharper Image worship ended right quick. Thing was a hunk of junk, and all of the "primal forest sounds" were reminiscent of walkie-talkie buzz.

As I've matured into a halfway respectable adult, I've now come to regard many Sharper Image gadgets as hilarious, or pathetic, or both. Especially those sold during the company's heyday, before anyone could stroll down to the local discount store and pick up an electronic toothbrush or nosehair trimmer.

In the past two column, I appealed to you, dear readers, to pass along word of ludicrous, low-end Sharper Image gizmos of yore. Your submissions after the jump, as well as some items I discovered through my own research—including, yes, the Bug Vac (pictured above right). PLUS: Low End Theory is gently reminded that wattage output is logarithmic

First, a little history lesson. When it started up in the mid-70s as a vendor of executoys, the Sharper Image wasn't much of a gadget emporium. It was more about selling replica swords and the like, including (as one elephant-memoried reader mailed) a 9mm pistol knock-off that looked exactly like the real thing. (This was obviously before the laws turned against toy guns, forcing manufacturers to paint the barrels orange.)

The gadgets started coming in the mid-80s, right around the same time everyone got in a tizzy over the Heathkit HERO and other personal robots, not to mention the first Macintosh. And thus began the Sharper Image's long love affair with gizmos that, on one level, seemed ahead of their time, but on another level are unadulterated crap.

Let's start with the Vocalizer 1000, billed as "the world's first voice-controlled music synthesizer." You'd speak or sing into the mic, and it would turn your oh-so-lovely tenor into, say, a cowbell or the French horn. Not entirely unworthy of admiration, but everything ended up sounding sort of like the infamous sound soother—very white noise-y. Recently saw one on eBay for $8, so there's no question that the Vocalizer 1000 meets the Low End Theory criteria.

The Bug Vac debuted on the Sharper Image in the late '80s, though now it is widely available. Gotta love the idea—we here at Gizmodo are staunchly against gnat, fruit flies, and other household pests—and the price was right at $20. But check this: the original unit's storage cartridge could only hold 40 bugs at any given moment. Um, excuse me? I run into more than 40 bugs each morning on my way from the bed to the shower. I'll just stick to squashing them with my size-12 sneaker.

For a dollar less in the same era, you could purchase the fake car-phone antenna, which isn't a gadget so much as a manipulative toy for tricking ladies into overestimating your net worth. It actually didn't sell very well for the Sharper Image, which gives me fresh hope in America's innate goodness.

I could go on and on about the various foot massagers and in-shower CD players that have graced the pages of the Sharper Image catalogue over the years. But gotta wrap up with the contest winner, submitted by a man whose name belongs in the pantheon of greatness: Douglas Bridges. This Gizmodo reader is to be lauded for directing us to the Truth Quest lie-detecting phone, which he spotted on eBay for $47. The phone allegedly analyzes the stress in a caller's voice, and signals the level of truthfulness with a series of LEDs: green for "he's telling the truth," red for "he's a bald-faced liar," and yellow for "your guess is as good as mine." Note, too, that the Truth Quest offers "sleek European-style phone features," not to mention a redial button. With that sort of advanced technology at your command, $47 is a steal indeed.

Don't interpret this column as an outright slam on the Sharper Image. I'm all for their massage chairs, especially the new iJoy ZipConnect. Just having a little fun at the expense of a company that's offered its fair share of outrageously useless duds. We're laughing with you, Sharper Image, not at you. Though given how touchy you've been over criticism of your air purifiers, maybe you're not enjoying the ribbing.

LOW END THEORY FALLS FOR IT: Thanks for the reader who pointed out the amateur mistake I made in last week's column: declaring one stereo system superior to another merely on the basis of wattage. Hyping wattage, of course, is an old stereo-salesman trick. Tim Denner wrote in to remind us that "wattage is logrithmic (sic); to double the sound, multiply your wattage by 10." So our whole riff on dollars-per-watt? Claptrap. We'd have been much better off comparing decibel sound pressure levels—if only Record Shack had that sort of info on its handwritten hype sheet. Thanks, Tim, and apologies for the dunderheadedness. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appear every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Shelf-Rockin' Beats for Skinflints

There are really two types of stereo users in this world: those who will settle for nothing less than all-tube pre-amps with speakers bigger than a fat man's coffin, and those who make do with all-in-one shelf systems. The latter group is by far the larger, as most folks don't see the need to drop $2,999 in order to better enjoy the nuances of that Bob Marley: Legend disc they bought in 1997. Audiophilia is an exceedingly rare affliction in our society, for better and for worse.

Yet shelf systems, even on the low end, are a lot mightier than a few years back, 100 watts of power and dual tape decks were enough to make your dormmates jealous. And while the geek fixed-audio buzz is all about massive iPod docks, the store windows on 125th Street are all about shelf systems with Buck Rodgers looks and price tags on par with a 1-gig iPod Shuffle. After the jump, Low End Theory checks out the shelf-system scene at Record Shack. PLUS: One more chance to share your tales of Sharper Image excess.

First, a little preface about where the shelf-system market's at right now. After a few years in the doldrums, sales have picked up significantly over the past two years; in 2004 alone, U.S. unit sales increased by 15.4 percent to 7.06 million stereos. A lot of that's attributable to manufacturers making the systems CD-R and CD-RW compatible, as well as adding easily accessible AUX inputs for playing digital devices.

Alright, enough drab industry speak. On to the goods.

Though the shelf systems of days gone by were typically priced for the broke-ass college set, there's been a recent upward trend toward—or sometimes above—the perilous $500 mark. Take Yamaha's MCR-E600, which adds DVD playback to the mix. Or my personal favorite, the JVC EX-A1, with its wooden speaker cones treated with (I kid you not) sake.

But Record Shack, thank God, likes to keep its price tags below $200. Hey, you'd expect nothing less from a store that sells a $19 black-and-white TVs, right?

Low End Theory was tempted by the Sharp XL-MP150 Microsystem, which was on sale for $129.99. The five CD changer was pretty snazzy, and, yeah, I was hypnotized by the flashing blue LED that syncs to the music. Great bell/whistle there, Sharp! But 220 watts of power? Weak sauce, my friends. Weak sauce.

The better deal, for just $10 more, is the 360-watt JVC MX-KC4, which Record Shack had proudly displayed in the window. Not only does it look like something from the bridge of an Imperial-class star destroyer, but it's also got (per the hype sheet) "RHYTHMMAX function to intensify music." As best as I can tell, this is a simple bass booster. But points for creativity go out to JVC's copywriters.

The Record Shack clerk was gracious enough to cue up some DMX so I could test out the sound. The verdict? Loud. Very loud. Beyond that, there isn't too much to say in this unit's defense, except that it delivers plenty of oomph for the buck. Let's do the math: 2.57 watts per dollar. Not bad, considering that in 2003, the rule of thumb was more like 1 watt per dollar for brand-name shelf systems.

The bottom line is that, as long as they can adapt to new music formats, shelf systems ain't going nowhere. What would the dorm-room experience be, after all, without them? The bedrooms are too small to accommodate full-blown stereos, and making love to the tinny sounds of a clock radio just doesn't cut it.

LAST CHANCE FOR GLORY: In last week's column, I asked for reader submissions regarding the zaniest Sharper Image products they could recall. The appeal attracted a few top-notch entries, but not nearly enough. So let's add another week to the contest, and see if anyone can earn the twin prizes: ever-lasting fame (i.e. an adoring mention in this space), plus a copy of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3. Drop me a line at brendan@gizmodo.com, and share your tales of Sharper Image gadgets that probably should've been left on the drawing board. Extra points for gizmos released before 1989.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appear every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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One of the granddaddies of added-value tricks, of course, is slapping a cartoon character on the frame. It goes without saying that, circa 1982, you could have seized my Spiderman walkie-talkie only by prying it out of my cold, dead hand. Never mind that it had a range of about seven meters, and picked up interference from the neighbors' cordless phones. (Hearing about Mrs. Larson's hysterectomy caused me some serious angst, I'm afraid.)

The contemporary melange of kid-oriented licensed merchandise is much more sophisticated. Join us, won't you, as Low End Theory takes a stroll down the toy aisle for a peek at this school year's assortment of cartoon gadgetry. PLUS: Low End Theory's first-ever contest!

The undisputed champion of licensing for the juice-box set is Nickelodeon, which has an entire corporate division dedicated to the pursuit. Smart lads over there, as they've actually made sure that the channel's properties festoon some halfway decent gadgets, beginning with the eye-catching SpongeBob SquarePants DVD Player. It comes from the budgetmeisters at Emerson Radio Corporation, which totally turns out some top-notch clock radios (if such a thing can be said). The spec sheet on this one is mighty short, amounting to little more than "comes with remote control" and "compatible with any TV possessing RCA inputs." On the plus side, there's a feature where each movie played on the unit is given a "4 starfish" rating by SpongeBob. Yes, even Battlefield Earth, which saddens Low End Theory; I guess SpongeBob got caught up in all the fame and money in Hollywood, and now he's trying to excise his body thetans with John Travolta.

I also dig on the (deep breath) Batman Long Range Night Vision Headband Walkie Talkies (exhale), which Amazon has on sale for $29.99. Haven't tested these out, but the spec sheet almost sounds too good to be true: a range of 2,000 feet, as well as simultaneous talk and listen. The manufacturer terms the latter feature "Duplex Technology"; kudos to the PhD candidate in literature who came up with that euphemism.

There's a pretty steep quality drop-off from there. The Dora the Explorer optical mouse? Color Low End Theory unimpressed at the $34 price tag; for that kind of cheddar, you could pick up a cordless iConcepts mouse at CVS. Equally risible is the $20 premium that Emerson charges for its line of Nick-licensed, 13-inch CRT TVs. Does it really cost that much to color the rim of a $79 unit red, and add stickers of Dora and her monkey Boots looking all happy? Low End Theory thinks not.

The cake-taker in terms of added-value ripoffs, though, is the Barbie Think Pink Learning Notebook from Oregon Scientific. Don't be looking for any Pentium chips in this hunk of junk; it's really just an old-fashioned Speak-and-Spell gussied up to look like a Dell Inspiron, with a screen three shades darker than charcoal grey. You might as well use your $50 bill to teach your daughter origami.

Now, I'm all for getting kids involved in technology from as young an age as possible—obviously, these are the Gizmodo readers of tomorrow, and I look forward to getting paid to write for them. But the premium you're paying for the added value of brand-name cartoon characters seems mighty steep, and Junior is too-often ending up with an inferior product.

I was going to wrap up with a suggestion that, instead of committing to onerous licensing agreements that lead to high retail prices, discount gadgeteers would be better off creating in-house cartoon characters—or perhaps licensing cheaper mascots. (Low End Theory pines for a Go-Bots revival.) But then I realized that, hey, I don't have any kids (yet), so I've no clue as to how much the juice boxers pine after Nickelodeon properties. If you've got a young'un running around, drop us a line at brendan@gizmodo.com and answer this: Do your precious little ones insist on gadgets bearing brand-name cartoon properties? Or do you resist their plaintive wails in favor of buying them more effective electronics? Bonus points, and a possible hat tip in next week's space, if you can steer us toward a kiddie added-value product worth owning.

LIL' HELP?: Low End Theory's pops used to have one of those Sharper Image white-noise machines, which is supposed to lull you into sleep with the gentle sounds of "rainfall" and "ocean waves." I think he used the thing once before rightly concluding that the cure was worse than the disease, and he'd rather deal with four hours of snoozetime than an entirely sleepless night of "whoooooooossssshhhhhhh! whoooooooooooosssshhhhhhhh!"

Which brings us to this edition's contest: I'm on the lookout for the most out-and-out hilarious Sharper Image gadget you can find. There will be a preference for older gizmos, so dig deep into your closets and into eBay. The winner will be publicly saluted as an amazing, stupendous individual, and will receive a copy of "Roller Coaster Tycoon 3" to boot. E-mail entries to your Low End Theory headquarters, brendan@gizmodo.com. Good luck, mein freund, good luck.

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