Let's just get this first one out of the way: Not only does the Head Spa Massager look like someone in the 1970s designed it in a future-Sparta fashion, but it's a massage helmet. You look ridiculous, and it can't even secretly double as a sexual aid.

This handsome silver fox has it going on. I mean, he's talking to a sexy lady, and a power call could easily come through his Bluetooth earpiece at any moment, right? Nope, he fooled you! He's hard of hearing, and that's just his Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. (I laughed when I first saw this, but now it just makes me sad.)

Every cyborg I know of has a head-mounted camera, and since this 5-megapixel Digital Camera Swim Mask is only good for 15' depth (that is, snorkeling or swimming pools), you might as well make the most of it and wear it on dry land too! Even has a cyborg-friendly LED that shines inside the mask, to let your friends know who's part robot tell you when you're shooting.

If sci-fi tells us anything, it's that the bionic man (or woman) has great posture. Thankfully, the Posturetek Biofeedback System—it's a shirt, but they call it a system—"senses incorrect posture and gently encourages posture correction." My assumption is that it doesn't use sharp spikes or electric shocks, but it's still a tad sinister.

Snore correction makes up approximately 94% of SkyMall revenue, but only one, the SnorePro Snore Relief Device, attaches to your wrist and sends a "biofeedback digital pulse" when the log sawing kicks in. (Can you imagine having a business card with the word SnorePro emblazoned on it? Would that be awful or awesome?)

When you embark on the man-machine merger, it makes sense to complement some of that silicon with silicone, if you catch my drift. Hell, you got so much going on, nobody's going to notice that you've shoved some Body Figure Enhancing Pads down your pants. Well, they'll notice, but not in a bad way.

What good is the cyborg life if it doesn't permit you to jump higher, run faster, have more energy, appear 2" taller and "look like a million dollars"? The Gravity Defyers (spelling lessons sold separately) have been tempting travelers for ages with those very promises. Besides, its patented spring-loaded sole is found on no other shoe in the world pretty much ever, for some reason.

Locutus of Borg wasn't much of a jumper—his footwear of choice skewed toward the comfort-illumination lines. That's why he swore by the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers. They're just the thing to slip on when you're making the midnight trek from the regeneration chamber to the cube pissoir.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It's about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature's ultimate machine.

Either way, these are funky and pretty. [Le Creative Sweatshop via Mocoloco]

This piece was a continuation of my previous piece JUNK DUNK. I wanted to attempt this approach again, with a more refined and detailed outcome. I used very little wire and more glue to keep the piece more clean, and less bulky. I also added new details, a hinged tongue and nike logo's on both the tongue and back of the shoe. On previous models I used a real nike sole to build of off. With this piece I started from scratch and build the sole from circuit boards.

Yeah, but does all of this circuitry actually make me jump like Jordan? I thought not. Besides, this doesn't look like it would offer any arch support. [Gabriel Dishaw via Likecool]

Designed and decorated like gigantic toy cartons complete with the extra little flap thing that allows to box to secure itself to a hook (sorry, packaging terminology is not our specialty), they're just retro enough to make you think that you're going to get a real Transformer (but then you just get a stupid pair of shoes that you're just to old to justify ever wearing off of your own property).

Look for the limited edition Soundwave, Megatron and Bumblebee footwear this July for between $100-120—if you're able to score a pair before they head to eBay. [Kix and the City via StreetLevel via walyou]

The Foot Pee! Pack, essentially two ziplock bags intended for your feet, supports an age-old philosophy that one's pee can have benefits to their skin. Now I'm no expert, but I've been accidentally urinating on stuff for years now, and I can't say that my crotch, toes, knees, backyard bushes or bathroom walls look any younger because of it. [Toyko Times via Tokyo Mango]

Also note the products tagline: "Easy & Surprise"

Trying to lean beyond one's center of gravity normally leads to a giant, awkward step forward to retain balance, so to achieve the 45-degree angle he wanted, Michael and his dancers used special shoes as well as a trick in the stage floor. When the time came for the move, a peg-like aperture would protrude from the dance floor. The heel of the dancers' shoes featured a triangular cut out that could be hitched onto the peg, anchoring the dancers to lean much farther forward, and thus blowing the world's collective mind. [Boing Boing Gadgets]

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The shoes, developed jointly by Aetrex and GTX, should be available by the end of the year. And if you're wondering about the very non-Giz, non-snarky tone of this post, it's dialed down a bit because now that John McCain is no longer in the limelight, I can't think of a single unoffensive Alzheimer's joke to make. You see, when you're implying a person of political power is senile, it's satire, not snark. [ABC]

Using a few Xbox 360 controllers, Happ joysticks and 14 buttons, one modder built two Mad Catz Fightsticks of his own...in a pair of shoeboxes. Apparently Nike boxes can withstand the wear and tear of intense SFIV sessions (but if not, they're not all that difficult to service).

I'm pretty keen on the design, but I'd probably rip those boxes a new one trying to fend off the 2D onslaught of Matt Buchanan. [Kotaku]

While the Nintendo Wii innovated with the motion-controlled Wiimote, the Wii Blazer innovates with a clever white color scheme and a well-suited ostrich print. Nintendo shoe aficionados will also appreciate the incorporation of the Wii's power button, meticulously stitched by the finest third world child labor on the tongue.

The cynical amongst you may see this shoe as a ridiculously easy way to make money. But when you really examine the details, I mean, really examine them, you'll see that this shoe is not just a shoe. It's the product of a student who should have flunked out of design school making it in the competitive world of high-top fashion. The Wii Blazer is, in short, the American dream. [Weekly Drop via Kotaku]

Australian Paul Gardner-Stephen originally created his Gen 2 prototype shoe phone for his church group by carving out the heel of a dress shoe and stuffing in parts of a cellphone, along with a bluetooth headset. As a result, Gardner-Stephen is able to place calls using voice commands, and use a handful of controls using makeshift buttons he created by punching holes in the heel.

The only problem is that Gardner-Stephen says he wants to produce the shoe for the medical industry and help people by using it to relay data from biosensors and other crap. Um, what?! If globalthermonucleardynamic espionage isn't your primary objective with this thing, Mr. Gardner-Stephen, I believe you're missing the point. [Gen 2 Shoe Phone via Instructables via Crave]

What's so wonderful about Engine Oh G12 is that it's literally ballooned the genre beyond parody. The show has upped the ante of the giant vehicle-assembled robot television so immensely that it's beyond the scope of humorous exaggeration, its components refined to such a point where every individual element is, in itself, too pure to be tainted by sophomoric prop humor.

To fully appreciate this the clip, look beyond the obvious and examine the subtleties of presentation. For instance, two vehicles are there only to serve as covers for the robot's shoes.

Needless you say? Not at all. For the robot's foot alone ascends to Godzillic proportions, constructing a logic in which there is nothing that mechanized god cannot kick over (other than, quite possibly, its own left foot).

I like to think that if Michelangelo had a few hundred more years to work on David, he might resemble the robot in Engine Oh G12. But maybe I'm giving Michelangelo far too much credit. [via Tokyo Mango]

Although these ridiculous looking kicks promise to help "keep you active while maintaining blood flow and muscle tone in your legs" while you're inactively watching TV, on long flights, or doing whatever else you do in a chair, I believe this un-gadget has an alternative purpose.

Another one to add to the list of fashion faux pas, the Inflatable Foot Cushions will repel away women faster than wearing socks with sandals. Admittedly, I want a pair of these suckers for myself. But only to see if they'll help me walk on water; after all, my momma tells me I have to stop being a little Satan spawn and start being more like Jesus. [Product Page via 7 Gadgets]