Let's just get this first one out of the way: Not only does the Head Spa Massager look like someone in the 1970s designed it in a future-Sparta fashion, but it's a massage helmet. You look ridiculous, and it can't even secretly double as a sexual aid.

This handsome silver fox has it going on. I mean, he's talking to a sexy lady, and a power call could easily come through his Bluetooth earpiece at any moment, right? Nope, he fooled you! He's hard of hearing, and that's just his Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. (I laughed when I first saw this, but now it just makes me sad.)

Every cyborg I know of has a head-mounted camera, and since this 5-megapixel Digital Camera Swim Mask is only good for 15' depth (that is, snorkeling or swimming pools), you might as well make the most of it and wear it on dry land too! Even has a cyborg-friendly LED that shines inside the mask, to let your friends know who's part robot tell you when you're shooting.

If sci-fi tells us anything, it's that the bionic man (or woman) has great posture. Thankfully, the Posturetek Biofeedback System—it's a shirt, but they call it a system—"senses incorrect posture and gently encourages posture correction." My assumption is that it doesn't use sharp spikes or electric shocks, but it's still a tad sinister.

Snore correction makes up approximately 94% of SkyMall revenue, but only one, the SnorePro Snore Relief Device, attaches to your wrist and sends a "biofeedback digital pulse" when the log sawing kicks in. (Can you imagine having a business card with the word SnorePro emblazoned on it? Would that be awful or awesome?)

When you embark on the man-machine merger, it makes sense to complement some of that silicon with silicone, if you catch my drift. Hell, you got so much going on, nobody's going to notice that you've shoved some Body Figure Enhancing Pads down your pants. Well, they'll notice, but not in a bad way.

What good is the cyborg life if it doesn't permit you to jump higher, run faster, have more energy, appear 2" taller and "look like a million dollars"? The Gravity Defyers (spelling lessons sold separately) have been tempting travelers for ages with those very promises. Besides, its patented spring-loaded sole is found on no other shoe in the world pretty much ever, for some reason.

Locutus of Borg wasn't much of a jumper—his footwear of choice skewed toward the comfort-illumination lines. That's why he swore by the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers. They're just the thing to slip on when you're making the midnight trek from the regeneration chamber to the cube pissoir.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It's about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature's ultimate machine.

Actually I like it. It goes perfectly with this:

But maybe I have had too much of accelerated wine and liquor:

Yes, boys and girls, if you accelerate liquor it gets older. Head to Urlesque to see the rest of the Best/Worst of Skymall 2008, handpicked by our friend Jessica Amason. [Urlesque]

10. Chilled Shot Machine - $150 When it comes Jäger, I consider myself something of an aficionado, a snob really. I don't mind spending a little money to ensure that when I sit down to do shots, each and every one will be chilled to the ideal temperature. That way I know whether I'm on my first or my 12th, the experience will be rich and memorable.




9. Hot Dog Grill and Bun Warmer - $50 I understand some specialty kitchen appliances, like ice-cream makers, deep fryers and thin-slicing mandolines. But do we really need a $50 product that simultaneously mimics the microwave and the toaster to prepare a meal that has utterly zero gastronomical value? I mean, I want one, but do we really NEED this?




8. E-Z Chord Kit - $42 As a guitarist I'm offended by this one: instead of sitting down and learning G, C and D, you attach a $42 apparatus to your guitar that plays the chords for you. Even if it is ridiculously easy, how many chicks do you think you'll score with a handicapable guitar that tells the world you're not smart enough to do what Toby Keith somehow figured out?




7. Basho the Sumo Wrestler Table - $225 Basho isn't a gadget per se, but a coffee table in the shape of a large, mostly naked Japanese man spread-eagled on the floor kinda screamed Gizmodo to me. You will be happy to hear that he was crafted of "quality designer resin for display in home or garden." That'll scare away the chipmunks.




6. Freddie Mercury Action Figure - $45 I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry when I saw this. Poor dead Fred, here with ball-jointed neck and articulated shoulders for your bending pleasure. A motion sensor (hidden God knows where) triggers a medley of classic Queen songs. And I hate to have to tell you, but there's also a Kurt Cobain figure. COURTNEY, YOU WHORE!!!




5. Trailer Hitch Stand and Chairs - $200 This has to be the funniest photo SkyMall has ever printed. There's no way to fake the glee on those tailgaters' faces. Mind you, this is not for all sportsfans: each seat has a weight limit of 250 pounds, and seats only come in green or blue. I feel like red should be mandatory, at least when shipped to Boston or St. Louis.




4. Animated Hitch Critters - $25 The only reason not to buy those hitch-stand chairs is that they would keep you from installing a motorized, light-up Hitch Critter. Isn't it cute how the deer waves "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" as he sports an ironic target on his chest? Don't miss the dying fish or the "Duck!" duck, also with cheery red target. Man, I just love when my comedy and my killing go hand in hand.




3. 5.0 Digital Binocular Camera - $250 There's nothing terribly wrong with these silly digital-camera binoculars. In fact, I kinda like the idea of them. No, what I thought was frightening about this product was SkyMall's #1 sales bullet point: "BANNED IN SOME SPORTS ARENAS!" Super sweet! It'll make you the envy of all your friends, until it's wrested away from you at the entry gate.




2. Pre-Decorated Christmas Tree - $200 So it's come to this, has it? Our lazy society wants to revel in the Christmas spirit, as long as it doesn't involve such formerly festive activities as tree trimming? I never really thought of "getting into the spirit" as a hassle. I stand corrected. And one more thing: if it's going to come pre-decorated, shouldn't it at least be pre-decorated by someone with taste?




1. Alive Elvis Animatronic Robot - $300 Devoted Gizmodo readers know that we both worship and fear the animatronic Elvis, though it is without a doubt evidence of a society gone bad. We only have one final, haunting question: why does the robot King look so much like Rob Schneider?






Of course, the best way to view this one-way ticket to damnation is all at once, in a big scary SkyMall shopping cart:
[SkyMall]
NOTE: In the event that the formatting appears screwed up in your browser, try changing your font size (CTRL or COMMAND + or - usually does the trick). I tried my best to make this thing work at multiple sizes but I'm no HTML wizard and frankly, I've spent enough time on this baby already.

The book: a fake catalogue of ridiculous crap—including gadgets—designed to both mock and pay homage to the real SkyMall. After all, what're you going to read on your flight? Southwest's Spirit Magazine? No thanks. – Jason Chen

SkyMaul: Happy Crap You Can Buy from a Plane (Paperback) [Amazon via Boing Boing]