Let's just get this first one out of the way: Not only does the Head Spa Massager look like someone in the 1970s designed it in a future-Sparta fashion, but it's a massage helmet. You look ridiculous, and it can't even secretly double as a sexual aid.

This handsome silver fox has it going on. I mean, he's talking to a sexy lady, and a power call could easily come through his Bluetooth earpiece at any moment, right? Nope, he fooled you! He's hard of hearing, and that's just his Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. (I laughed when I first saw this, but now it just makes me sad.)

Every cyborg I know of has a head-mounted camera, and since this 5-megapixel Digital Camera Swim Mask is only good for 15' depth (that is, snorkeling or swimming pools), you might as well make the most of it and wear it on dry land too! Even has a cyborg-friendly LED that shines inside the mask, to let your friends know who's part robot tell you when you're shooting.

If sci-fi tells us anything, it's that the bionic man (or woman) has great posture. Thankfully, the Posturetek Biofeedback System—it's a shirt, but they call it a system—"senses incorrect posture and gently encourages posture correction." My assumption is that it doesn't use sharp spikes or electric shocks, but it's still a tad sinister.

Snore correction makes up approximately 94% of SkyMall revenue, but only one, the SnorePro Snore Relief Device, attaches to your wrist and sends a "biofeedback digital pulse" when the log sawing kicks in. (Can you imagine having a business card with the word SnorePro emblazoned on it? Would that be awful or awesome?)

When you embark on the man-machine merger, it makes sense to complement some of that silicon with silicone, if you catch my drift. Hell, you got so much going on, nobody's going to notice that you've shoved some Body Figure Enhancing Pads down your pants. Well, they'll notice, but not in a bad way.

What good is the cyborg life if it doesn't permit you to jump higher, run faster, have more energy, appear 2" taller and "look like a million dollars"? The Gravity Defyers (spelling lessons sold separately) have been tempting travelers for ages with those very promises. Besides, its patented spring-loaded sole is found on no other shoe in the world pretty much ever, for some reason.

Locutus of Borg wasn't much of a jumper—his footwear of choice skewed toward the comfort-illumination lines. That's why he swore by the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers. They're just the thing to slip on when you're making the midnight trek from the regeneration chamber to the cube pissoir.

This week, Gizmodo is exploring the enhanced human future in a segment we call This Cyborg Life. It's about what happens when we treat our body less as a sacred object and more as what it is: Nature's ultimate machine.

Instead, the slippers are plugged into a USB port to charge the built-in lithium battery (an LED indicator alerts you to the amount of remaining battery power). When the cord is removed, a switch on the slipper allows the user to adjust between low and high heat. There is even a temperature dial to make fine adjustments. All-in-all, a full charge should net you around 2 hours of toasty feet. Available for $42. [Thanko via Coolest Gadgets]

Although these ridiculous looking kicks promise to help "keep you active while maintaining blood flow and muscle tone in your legs" while you're inactively watching TV, on long flights, or doing whatever else you do in a chair, I believe this un-gadget has an alternative purpose.

Another one to add to the list of fashion faux pas, the Inflatable Foot Cushions will repel away women faster than wearing socks with sandals. Admittedly, I want a pair of these suckers for myself. But only to see if they'll help me walk on water; after all, my momma tells me I have to stop being a little Satan spawn and start being more like Jesus. [Product Page via 7 Gadgets]

gundam slippers from japan from Gizmodo on Vimeo.

Not only do they have little light-up headlights that come on when you step in them, they're "ultra-soft" and plush, which means they'll be super comfortable on the cold floor of your bathroom. Plus, they cover your entire foot, so you won't have to worry about accidentally peeing on yourself thanks to horrible aim at 3 a.m. [Product Page via Techie Diva]

The only downsides are that it costs $69, and take replaceable, not rechargeable, lithium batteries. – Jason Chen

Product Page [Bim Bam Banana via Crunchgear]

USB heated slippers have come a long way since their inception way back in 2005, and now there are advanced models that cover your ankles, and even have a very special bear attachment. Even so, never were they as technologically advanced as this. But jeez, who wants to be tethered to a PC like this? It must feel like a ball and chain. – Charlie White

Product Page [Thanko]

One, they're more like booties and cover your entire foot, plus your ankles. No part of your foot will be exposed to the elements.

Second, they come with a bear attachment. OMGWTFBBQ bear attachment! This is the best thing we've ever seen. – Jason Chen

Product Page [Busytrade via Gizmodo Japan]

We're suckers for devices that solve a very specific problem, and these slippers do precisely that—the problem in this case being that most nefarious of crimes, slipper theft.

Each slipper has a ring at the back that you slip the legs of a table or chair into; an alarm will ring in the event that a slipper is taken and the ring pulled out. Ingenious? Sure. Useful? Not so much.

Antitheft Slippers [Seihin-World]

I would personally like to thank the inventor of this product. I can't tell you the number of times I've been drunk in the rain and have just walked through puddles like it was my job. My shoes would get all wet and even with a dryer, they would take 2 days or so to dry. Now with these electric shoe dryers, you need not worry. Go ahead and be bold. Storm on through that puddle, because now you can insert these bright red inserts, plug them in, and they'll begin to heat up and dry your shoes. You can also use them to keep your slippers or work shoes warm so when you have to go outside in the cold, at least a part of you will keep cozy. At $39.50, they make a great present for someone who will be out in the snow a lot this winter.

Electric shoe dryers [Popgadget]

Night Time Just Got a Little Brighter! [Outhouserag]