The adhesive footpads use bamboo vinegar and an unspecified combination of herbs and minerals to draw out toxins through your feet while you sleep, supposedly resulting in the gross-looking muddle you see when you peel them off. But when John Goyette at the Curtis and Tompkins Lab used nitric acid to measure the metallic levels in the two used pads and one fresh pad, he found that they "look like three of the same sample, basically." No heavy metals, no lighter metals: There was no significant difference, chemically speaking, between the samples. The $30-per-month pads are, definitively, just another shifty case of new-age snake oil, like the master cleanse or "recycling."

It turns out the Kinoki product is activated by either heat or moisture—the pads turned into the dirty "used" state even when held over a steaming pot of harmless water! Our bodies have a pretty efficient ways to get rid of metabolic waste; usually, you can even read the paper while it happens. Either way, waste definitely doesn't emanate through the skin of your feet while you slumber, or my Mighty Morphin Power Rangers footie PJs would've been tossed out long ago. [NPR via Consumerist]

Please, if you're going to drop $800 on this snake-oil experiment, just try it on one eye first. So it either works (doubtful), makes you blind, or does nothing but separate you from your $800. We're not about to test it. [Rakuten, via DVICE]

We see that the Pear Cable company is advertising a pair of 12-foot "Anjou" audio cables for $7,250; that's $302 a foot! And, as expected, "experts" were approached for their opinions on the performance of these wonders ... Well, we at the JREF are willing to be shown that these "no-compromise" cables perform better than, say, the equivalent Monster cables. While Pear rattles on about "capacitance," "inductance," "skin effect," "mechanical integrity" and "radio frequency interface," - all real qualities and concerns, and adored by the hi-fi nut-cases - we naively believe that a product should be judged by its actual performance, not by qualities that can only be perceived by attentive dogs or by hi-tech instrumentation. That said, we offer the JREF million-dollar prize to - for example - Dave Clark, Editor of the audio review publication Positive Feedback Online.

One of the most astonishing accomplishments of the Transparent Cable Company is how it gets "reviewers" to play along with its con game.

This is from the Transparent Cable website:

"We are also pleased that so many members of the audio press have chosen to write about Transparent Cable. While our upper-end products seem to garner the most attention in the sheer number of reviews written, audio experts write about our more affordable cables, too. Reviewers everywhere agree that Transparent products at all levels deliver superb performance and great value for the asking price."

Just like the home version, this travel version works with ultraviolet rays, and its makers claim that 99% of the germs are killed in seven minutes. Never mind that the 1% of bacteria that are left are probably superstrong, and might just put the hurt on you 10 times as much. But then, the way you feel about this product is probably a whole lot more important than the way it actually works. But hey, it's your $27.99. [productdose]

Simply hold on to the grippy bars, and stand or squat on the nonslip platform (or try one of the many alternate positions illustrated). In just two to four minutes, three to five times a week, you'll notice a remarkable difference within a month. Similar machines cost as much as $2,500—but why pay more?

This can't work. Unless a few drops of this extravagantly expensive liquid can form a seal around every piece of crap as it comes out your ass on its way into the toilet water, and, unless it can encapsulate every single molecule of intestinal gas and shit stink that wafts around in the process, there's still going to be some reason for those poor souls nearby to turn up their noses.

We might as well face it: We're all animals. We shit, we piss, we're eating machines and we're basically gross. Let's just try to cover it up as best we can. Maybe a little Japanese mint scent wouldn't hurt, but for $10 for a half an ounce, you might be better off just giving everybody in the bathroom a couple of lines of coke to cheer them up from all that smell. [Poof, via Neatorama]

This concept of ionic deodorization sounds mysterious and scientific, sure to convince the innocent that it will certainly do some good, maybe even kill a few of those horrible germs in the process. Maybe it does. We're big fans of that fresh, wonderful smell after a severe summer thunderstorm, and that's related to ions, isn't it?

The cordless Ionic Fridge Freshener might work even better if you put an open container of baking soda next to it. This prettified tin can might do an especially good job of keeping that prosaic-looking box of Arm & Hammer company. Available in Britain for £8.95, that translates into $18 Stateside if you feel like importing it yourself. [Alternative Gifts]

If you think about that term "facial" long enough, it might even serve as a temporary penis enlarger, too. It better do something special, because let's face it, it's a 128MB MP3 player that costs $170. – Charlie White

MPION MP3 player give users a facial too [Newlaunches]

These most excellent black briefs have silver threads woven within, keeping that cellphone radiation out of your pants. Now what will Jason do when he puts that perhaps-pantsworthy iPhone down his pants next month? Voicemail will have to do, because according to the Swiss underwear maker Isabodywear, he won't get very good reception wearing a pair of these $24 bloomers. – Charlie White

New men's underwear protects from harmful cell phone rays [Textually]

Hey, it must work—the company says it's based on research done by NASA, which plans to use this idea on the mission to Mars, if that ever happens. You set its timer for 30 minutes in the evening (it's not clear whether this means as you go to sleep or any time at night), and somehow it magically resets your internal clock. Turn the 12-inch-tall light on again in the morning and it also regulates the morning side of your circadian rhythm.

This all sounds well and good until you read the disclaimer:

"Verilux, Inc. does not make any medical claims. These units are designed as lifestyle enhancement systems. They are not medical devices. Please consult a qualified physician before using a blue light system."

Product Page [Verilux, via Popgadget]

As you can see in the picture here, you're instructed to "never remove protective foils!" You never know, the time/space continuum could get a rip in it, you might open up a black hole ... who knows what? We want to pay the $197 just to remove the protective foil and see what happens. This looks like fun, but for about $190 less, you could get yourself the same thing in a package of Nothing. – Charlie White

Product Page [Harmony United Ltd., via Red Ferret Journal]

An ultra-sheer screen mist containing a pioneering combination of plant extracts capable of protecting the skin from the accelerated-ageing effects of all indoor and outdoor air pollution but most significantly, the effects of Artificial Electromagnetic Waves.

Spray On Magnetic Defense [Strange Harvest]

Come to think of it, Coke never did "officially" mention anything about weight loss with this drink, however, when you see the words "the calorie burner" directly above the brand name Enviga, one might be led to believe this could slim you down a bit. Or was that just wishful thinking on our part? But you called it, readers: 62.5% of you said "I call bullshit" in our Gizmodo Enviga poll. – Charlie White

Shocker: Enviga Doesn't Actually Burn Calories [The Consumerist]

We're hoping this is just a joke, because this entire concept is based on a misunderstanding. You can't spot reduce, you can't stimulate metabolism in just one part your body (if you do lose weight your body will decide where it's coming from), and caffeine is not exactly a weight-loss drug. Heck, if caffeine were effective for weight loss, we would all be positively skeletal by now. And we're not. Available for non-skeptical Brits, Slim Fit 20 pantyhose are £27 for a pack of three.

Caffeine Tights [Coolest Gadgets]

What does this stuff do? Well, nothing, but if you believe Jana, the snake-oil salesmen who move this stuff for a big profit, it's supposed to make you feel less hungry, increase metabolism, and block carbohydrate absorption if you drink a bottle four times a day, a half-hour before you eat. Well, believing is probably enough to make this worthless substance useful about half the time. The placebo effect is a powerful thing.

Soon to be available at 7-Eleven stores, retail pricing is an astonishing $1.80 per 16.9-ounce (.5 liter) bottle, a steep price to pay even if the substance did have magical powers. Who would have ever guessed that water salesmen could extract such windfalls from innocent victims?

Diet Drinking Water [Strange New Products]

Skinny Water costs $39.99 [Amazon]