No, it's not a joke.

I'm sorry. I know that must hurt, but I couldn't help to laugh. [Break, fail videos from Fail Blog]

• Crowning your 1:25 reproduction of the Statue of Liberty.
• Hold a poker hand.
• Neatly store four dildos and a lube bottle.
• Dock a shaker and four flasks with the ingredients for Perfect Manhattan cocktails.

Which as you can tell, is what I had with my cornflakes this morning. Really, for $59.98, this product is a bargain. [Taylor Gifts via Random Good Stuff]

There are no 14.4Mbps baseband chips commercially available in the market now—much less back when the new 3G iPhone development started
• In fact, there are no HDSPA-based mobile devices of any kind supporting more than 7.2Mbps at this point, and even those are still not common.
• Any 14.4Mbps mobile devices won't hit the market until 2009.
• 24 and 42Mbps mobile devices are, at this point, nothing but a hot fantasy that won't materialize until the next decade.

The 3G baseband chip most likely to be in the iPhone 3G is the Infineon S-Gold 3.
• The iPhone beta firmware code specifically mentions the Infineon S-GOLD 3.
• There have been multiple press and analysts' reports about Infineon getting the contract for the next version, continuing its relationship with Apple—right now the iPhone uses the Infineon S-GOLD 2 as its baseband chip.

The S-GOLD 3 tops at 7.2Mbps.

S-GOLD 3 Multimode - HSDPA, WCDMA, E-GPRS Baseband IC with embedded multimedia functions; launch in the market Q3 2007 HSDPA 7.2Mbps, WCDMA 384kbps class UL/DL & EDGE multislot class 12, including SAIC/DARP support

So yes, the Telstra network may support 14.4mbps devices, but most likely—and unless there were five million supersecret 42Mbps baseband chips that nobody knows about, hidden in an subaquatic lair in the Pacific—the iPhone 3G, already well into production ahead of its June 9 launch, will not support those speeds for a very long time to come.

Maybe the unnamed Telstra senior executive is implying that, next Xmas, Apple will introduce an iPhone with a radically redesigned motherboard using that supersecret baseband chip that nobody knows about right now. Or maybe he's just a clown.

I'll take Kangaroo dung for $500. [Channel News]

No wonder she made our top 10 list of hot bloggers in 2006. [Clicknetwork via Fashion Funky—thanks Yash]

[Pink Tentacle]

1. It must be mechanical
2. It must be completely useless from a societal point of view.
3. It must make people laugh.

The guy above plays a flag game and falls down, but the guy in the video below seems to talk on the phone and sweep the floor with its broom dong. We can't tell which one's stupider.

[BacaRobo via Impress via Tokyo Mango]

On August 31, 2007 an Air Force crew accidentally loaded six live nuclear warheads into a B-52 Stratofortress—stationed in the Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota—believing they were conventional cruise missiles. The weapons were missing, without anyone noticing it, for 36 hours until the B-52 landed in Louisiana.

According to the Pentagon, this happened because the nuclear weapons were stored right next to conventional ones, with just an "8.5 x 11-inch sheet of printed paper to differentiate between the two types." I guess the paper was ignored by the ground crew. I also guess that the paper said something like "Maybe this is bad. Really. No touchy! Noooo touchy!" instead of "NUCLEAR WARHEAD INSIDE. DON'T TOUCH UNLESS INSTRUCTED BY THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF, YOU MORON" because, otherwise, I just can't understand their mistake.

The report goes on saying that "part" of the problem is that nobody really has absolute control of the nuclear weapons in the US arsenal after the demise of Strategic Air Command. After the fall of the Soviet Union, SAC was split in 1992 into three different commands: the Air Force Space Command (which grabbed ICBM control,) the Air Combat Command (in charge of the bombers themselves) and the Air Mobility Command, which "provides airlift, special missions, aerial refueling, and aeromedical evacuation for U.S. troops." Furthermore, the Air Force nuclear capability is also under the control of the USSTRATCOM, along with the Navy's submarine nuclear ballistic missiles.

The report, however, then says that this "near disaster" was a "human error" because there are tight rules in place that weren't followed. Col. West Anderson, second in charge of the 2nd Bomb Wing at Barksdale AFB in Louisiana, added that they "handle weapons safely and ensure the highest possible standards of individual reliability and professional competence." I guess that means that the crew at Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota are a bunch of incompetent monkeys, but his guys are A-OK. However, it all seems that they are just glad that nothing bad happened, so they can get away saving their asses.

Despite this "human error" excuse, their explanation leaves me with the impression that nobody has a real, definitive grasp of where every nuke is except probably Matthew Broderick and the WOPR. Their conclusion doesn't help either: the Air Force treats nukes the same as disarmed missiles when verifying armament, and there's "no written directive that specifically described the required identifying means" to make the distinction before loading the weapons into the bombers.

In other words: there are rules which are not followed, but they need more rules in writing. Perhaps they just need to stop playing Warhawk in their PlayStation 3 and start printing clearer warning signs. [Military.com, Wikipedia]

Jesus: Ouch! - you really nailed us on the beamz video. Okay, you don't like the video - I get that. But that's not being fair to the product itself.

Of course, we do think the beamz offers plenty of opportunity for creativity and I am hoping you'll see that when you get the product. It is not meant to be a traditional musical instrument because that takes so much training for people to master. The beamz was conceived and created by an accomplished Hollywood musician and songwriter whose goal was to allow the average music lover to experience the passion of making music.

Without a doubt, everyone who sees the beamz in person and uses it, absolutely loves it. The beamz was a huge hit this weekend at its first major public event - Celebrity Fight Night. You can find photos of the beamz at the event here.

Jesus, it's easy to knock us for a video you don't like - but I'd rather you see and use the beamz, then give us a fair review based on the merits of the product - not based on whether you like the video.

So, as the PR agency representing the beamz, I am offering you the opportunity to borrow a set of beamz for a product review. Are you willing to do that and give us a fair shot?

Matt Silverman
Director of Public Relations
R&R Partners

And here's my reply:

I wasn't knocking your product because of a video I don't like. I was criticizing your product because I think the concept is flawed from the start, allows for no creativity whatsoever, and because, having played an instrument for a good part of my life, there's no room for expresion in your product. I'm sorry, but it is a technological gimmick, no matter if people have fun or not trying it.

In any case, I will put aside my judgement of the concept and give it a fair test opportunity.

So yes, even if I risk my soul and mental sanity in the process, I will be there like shareware. Hopefully, it will arrive soon—and leave even earlier—but I will give it, like everything else we test, a fair shot.

In the meantime, you can check the completely absurd and grotesque video and leave your opinion here.

"Everybody sounds great!" they say. Seriously, I had to check twice to see if this was a Conan O'Brien skit or not. Unfortunately, we knew it's just the worst infomercial and product in the history of the internet, available for $600 on April 15. And you have to love the Sharper Image comment when someone asks "are you using pre-sets? It seems that this is just signaling when to play a pre-set?" in YouTube:

The answer depends on the definition of 'pre-sets'. Yes, the product has voices and samples assigned to each beam, but the music itself is generated algorithmically by the beamz software. The user's playing technique determines when and how much of the sounds/melody stream is triggered thus creating a potentially different arrangement with each use.

Please, don't buy this product. [Gizmodo]

Update

So harsh that the public relations company that represents the product contacted me about it. Needless to say, they weren't happy about it:

Jesus: Ouch! - you really nailed us on the beamz video. Okay, you don't like the video - I get that. But that's not being fair to the product itself.

Of course, we do think the beamz offers plenty of opportunity for creativity and I am hoping you'll see that when you get the product. It is not meant to be a traditional musical instrument because that takes so much training for people to master. The beamz was conceived and created by an accomplished Hollywood musician and songwriter whose goal was to allow the average music lover to experience the passion of making music.

Without a doubt, everyone who sees the beamz in person and uses it, absolutely loves it. The beamz was a huge hit this weekend at its first major public event - Celebrity Fight Night. You can find photos of the beamz at the event here.

Jesus, it's easy to knock us for a video you don't like - but I'd rather you see and use the beamz, then give us a fair review based on the merits of the product - not based on whether you like the video.

So, as the PR agency representing the beamz, I am offering you the opportunity to borrow a set of beamz for a product review. Are you willing to do that and give us a fair shot?

Matt Silverman
Director of Public Relations
R&R Partners

Needless to say, I'm testing this, even if I risk my soul and mental sanity in the process. Hopefully, it will arrive soon and leave even earlier, but I will give it, like everything else, a fair shot.

The NYC logo which, ironically enough, seems to be an apple drawn from an infinite loop, (ha!) has been appearing on bus shelters, hybrid taxis and shopping bags from Whole Foods. The Cupertino gang's claim for trademark infringement is, however, hard to prove with a logo, as its key issue is likelihood of confusion or dilution, according to an SF lawyer specializing in trademarks.

This dispute is the third time Apple has been involved in trademark infringement claims—remember its battle with the Beatles' Apple Corps, and Cisco Systems about who had the right to use the iPhone name?

The GreeNYC campaign applied for a trademark on its logo back in May 2007, whilst Apple's opposition, and NYC's counterclaim was filed four months later, on September 18. Next step, apparently, is to commission some independent surveys, known as mall-stop surveys, to see if Apple has a leg to stand on. The final decision will be made by the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board of the patent office. [Wired]

I too used to work at Motorola and the incompetence of the execs was unbelievable.
Ron Garriques had a "number 1 in 1000 days" strategy which resulted in selling volume at all costs. Employees knew over a 18 months ago that Moto was heading for a train crash.

Several European middle managers submitted plans to make profit rather than sell volume and all were dismissed by the US VPs including Ray Roman (since gone) who declared that there was still significant demand for the original RAZR and anyone who wanted to stop selling it (in favour of more profitable phones) didn't know what they were talking about.

Amer Hussaini (also gone) head of portfolio, declared that no one needed anything greater than 2MP cameraphones and that there was no future in sliders.

Ed Zander sold off Freescale despite there being a solus 3G chipset contract still being in place. Result, Moto couldn't buy cheaper Qualcomm chipsets, Freescale kept the price high and all of the Moto 3G devices were uncompetitively priced.

Shareholders rewarded these incompetents with golden parachutes whilst the hardworking employees who were passionate about Moto were made redundant (not me I hasten to add. I saw the writing on the wall and jumped ship.)

Moto execs are very short-termist and only look to the next product launch and have no strategic vision. Products are launched (late) without any succession planning. Staff are completely demoralised and all the good engineers are now gone.

Software strategy? Forget it. How many platforms are they still trying to support? MotoAjar, P2K, LinuxJava, Symbian/UIQ, Windows Mobile, plus ODM devices.

His description paints a rather pathetic picture of their top executives which, following Faraz's mail, seems like the real thing. As he told us in a follow-up mail:

Personally I don't know him (Faraz's), however, his opinion is very valid. Previous execs were more interested in building their own little power bases and lining their pockets rather than the future of Motorola. Moto is full of warring tribes and it is now more vicious than ever as they try to ringfence their little empires from the swinging cuts that are coming.

e.g. Linux Java used to have ~8000 engineers. Now it is down to ~4000 and they still haven't delivered an operator-compliant device. Yet the VP is still there, still earning mega-bucks, and it's the engineers that get made redundant, not the senior leader. No accountability at a senior level for failure.

[Motorola in Gizmodo]

1) OLED in a display the size of an iPhone is expensive. EXPENSIVE.
2) OLED sucks under sunlight right now. The iPhone is awesome under sunlight. They're not going to trade in for a crappier technology.
3) Apple doesn't use unproven technology. Until lots of phones have OLED, count on Apple sticking with cheaper (and very usable) LCDs.

[Apple Insider]

Jesús Díaz: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AND GOOD IS THIS?
Peter Furia: The BigDog Beta itself is Beau and me in black tights and turtlenecks.

JD: Why?
PF: This video was just for fun, as was our popular music video "Mac or PC" but Seedwell is our newly created viral marketing company. It was co-founded by David Fine, Beau Lewis and myself. We produce content both for fun and for hire. We are also currently working on viral video campaigns for several other companies, and look forward to working with more and more companies as the demand for creative, viral content increases.

I don't know about their other videos, but if they are this good, these guys are gold. Let's see how viral this one gets.

If you want to contact Peter to hire Seedwell, contact him via email

That guy smiling in the photo is Butch Brady, of Jackson, while the guy behind him is Eric Sweet. And the board is probably the longest snowboard in the world, according to the Guinness World of Records. Hmmmm. Guinness. Time to go to the fridge. [Spluch]

I mean, come on, what the heck is an iFlip now? A codename for the MacBooks? Is someone at Best Buy flipping? Please place your bets in the comments. [Thanks Ben]

According to this source, these are not the MacBook Pros you are looking for:

I just printed the inventory at FutureShop, the store I work at, and found new MacBooks... NOT MacBook Pros. The items are APPLE MACB MB402LL/A and MB403LL/A. I saw this posted in other places, but the prices is what will interest you. They're listed at 1149.99 and 1349.99. These are Canadian prices, mind you, so I imagine they'll be less in the states. Take a look at the picture, the two I'm mentioning are at the bottom.

Of course, Obi Kenobi here could have printed this out off Excel. But Macrumors recently got a separate source showing similarly low prices attached to the new model numbers.

"You might think I didn't really take her iPod but it 'came up missing' and nobody in the office knows where it is. She should lock her office more often... I'm just seeking some comfort to what I consider a horrible work environment. Maybe a small vacation to evacuate this heck hole for a week. Hot Springs Arkansas or something."

He doesn't actually admit he stole this iPod, but he comes close. Certainly this violates eBay's terms of service. Anyway, the opening bid is inexplicably $550, way more than the $400 price of this 16GB iPod touch. Sounds like the Darwin Awards might be interested in this one. Seeking comfort? It's not going to be too comfortable being unemployed and in prison for larceny. [eBay]

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The Nigerian government initially denied the Microsoft kingpin's application on the premise that they required proof he would not reside in Nigeria indefinitely, causing a strain on social services and a general nuisance for immigration. This leads us to a very pertinent question; WTF? Sure, things were OK once Bill managed to prove his economic status, but Nigerian government officials, seriously, WTF?

Well, there go my holiday plans down the pan; if Bill has problems getting access to Nigeria, I've got no chance. No, not even with a Gizmodo email account as collateral—shocking. [Uncommon Business]

"I, Dylan Stephen Jayne, plaintiff, has [sic] a social security number that when the social security number is turned upside down in its entirety it is a scrambled code that does spell the name Google®."

Mr. Jayne had his best thinking hat on when he filed the case. He thought that fact alone probably would not seal the deal for him. The five pages, all hand written, further implicate that Google is responsible for compromising the safety of his identity, as they persist on using his social security number in coded form. For good measure, Mr. Jayne accuses Google of not doing enough to fight terrorism, nor having any respect for his civil liberties.

As if the $5 billion would not be enough, additional requests include; a gag order on all parties involved, the record to be sealed from the public and a block on any possible appeals process. No doubt, Mr. Jayne's balls are huge, unfortunately, it appears he also has balls for brains. All we can say is; good luck, Dylan. [Ars Technica]

From the side. I think it needs a corset.

Lukas Aider and Christoph Kurtz had fished out the 13-pound deadly "Frisbee" while they were splashing around in the Danube. Unaware of the danger they were in, the two students started messing around with the weapon, and it was only when a policeman appeared, alerted by a lifeguard, that they stopped their game of death.

Bomb disposal experts were later called to make the Frisbee safe. [Ananova via With Leather]

From China, these Foot Trolleys of Death are controlled via a handheld throttle and can burn up to max speed in just a few seconds. Instead of a brakes, there is a shut-off button (probably bright red with "SHIIIIIIIIT" inscribed on it in a nice Gothic script) which acts like an emergency stop—meaning that when the skates come to a brisk halt, you probably won't.

A 10-pound engine encased in a seven-inch box on the heel of the right boot sits above a plastic fuel tank—that will make for some interesting ankle burns in a worst-case scenario—which holds one liter of two-stroke petrol.
Because of its exhaust vent and starter cable, safety officers have likened the Fireball Suicide Shoes to a lawnmower. I can think of two uses for it: birthday presents for Paris, Lindsay and Avril Lavigne, and as a modding experiment—cutting the grass (and burning stubble if you live on a farm) will be so much more fun. [Daily Mail]

To turn off the Apple extravaganza that tomorrow will surely be (and today has already become), just go to this URL:

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/not:apple

If you hate Apple AND gadgets:

http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/not:apple/not:gadgets/I AM SO SO SO STUPID, SOMEONE PLEASE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY

– Mark Wilson

In any case, for $400 you can be a sucker and have a phone that says "Hummer" on it. The Hummer HT1 has a 2 megapixel camera, an integrated FM radio, a microSD memory card slot, GPRS and GSM support. It's headed for Europe, where gas is even more expensive and Hummers are even more impractical. Brilliant. –Adam Frucci

New Launches [via Crave]