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posts about #tasers more →
Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
WTF? Police Taser Legless Man in Wheelchair
Tasers Include Hidden Feature: Set Suspects on Fire
Texas Cops Break Out the Taser on a 72-Year-Old Woman for Being Old and Curmudgeonly
Frame-By-Frame Taser Test Shows Off This Guy's "Oh Face"
'Don't Tase Me Bro' Automata Lets You Relive the Fun Over and Over Again
World's Smartest Prison Officer Fired After Using a Stun Gun on Visiting Children
One in Ten Tasers Are Defective, Voltage "Exceeds Manufacturer's Specifications"
"Want To See How Painful Our Stun Guns Are? Let Me Show You... On Myself!"

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bucho54
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything

Cheaper with the same result.
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frigg
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
How do we know they're not awake in their shells, cognizant of everything around them, despite their outwardly comatose appearance? I hear that's going around.
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drewdrawshashtags
11/24/09

@frigg: Seriously. The Diving Bell and the Lobster anyone?
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OMG! Ponies!
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
It's not that the "stab in the brain and then cut the bug in half" method is inhumane.

It's that it's fucking freaky. The halves wriggle for several minutes afterward which generally causes me to run around my kitchen screaming.

Which is why you don't want to be in the kitchen with me when I'm making lobster.
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trevisol: Stop putting words in my mouth
11/24/09

@OMG! Ponies!: I can only imagine the screaming is a homeresque shriek.

And honestly, I'd love to see this. How big is your kitchen?
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OMG! Ponies! promoted this comment

OMG! Ponies!
11/24/09

@trevisol: Stop putting words in my mouth: It's a wonderful 8'x16' galley kitchen with half of it being open, allowing it to be an actual-factual eat-in kitchen IN NEW YORK CITY.

And yes, I do emit some rather Homer-like cries of terror at The Thing That Is And Should Not Be.

#tips
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Benguin
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
While I'm not exactly in favor cruelty to animals, we're talking about lobsters here. Essentially cockroaches of the sea.

Fuck humanity. They're bugs.
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Edited by Benguin at 11/24/09 3:56 AM Benguin was starred Benguin was unstarred

iheartpie
11/24/09

@Benguin: Lobsters are not only fascinating, but also quite complex little creatures, which can be pretty friendly and if not eaten by overweight gluttons can live up to ~100yrs; and they're just as deserving of life (if not more) as your ignorant existance.

Also, they're not bugs, they're crustaceans. Not too important anyway as the word 'bug' is generally only used by children and home-schooled americans. The rest of the english speaking world refer to such creatures as 'insects'.
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Jrsy Devil's Advocate® promoted this comment iheartpie was starred iheartpie was unstarred

AustinMiniMan
11/24/09

@iheartpie: As valedictorian of my Highschool, having graduated with a 4.3, and being a national Latin Scholar, I say "bug." In your case, I also say "prick." Have a nice day.
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Lysdexia_NoKotakuEdition
11/24/09

Don't be such a hippie

mmmm meat...

of any kind
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AmishJohn promoted this comment Edited by Lysdexia_NoKotakuEdition at 11/24/09 7:38 AM

OMG! Ponies!
11/24/09

@iheartpie: And "bug" is the nickname that lobsters are given, at least from what I've seen on the East Coast. It does not imply that we think that they're actually insects, but that they resemble insects - what with the jointed legs and hard carapaces.

And they are the cockroaches of the sea.
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L3G10N
11/24/09

@iheartpie: Wow, so many biased generalizations packed into a tight space is telling of an educated idiot. Your overinflated conception of self-worth brings to light just how arrogant and childish you really are. His comment was largely satirical, but that point obviously went over your head.
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Segador promoted this comment L3G10N was starred L3G10N was unstarred

PinballFan
11/24/09

@iheartpie: Meat is murder.

Tasty, tasty murder.
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Segador
11/24/09

@L3G10N: I only wish that I didn't promote his comment by promoting yours.
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zeroprime
11/24/09

@iheartpie: True bugs consist of the plant sucking insects of the Order Homoptera (and what used to be Hemiptera but they combined them or something?). Lobsters are found in the Order Decopoda. Crustatcea and Mandibulata are subphylums under Arthropoda. The use of the term bug in the US is a colloquialism for a variety of arthropods, people and even inanimate objects.

Looks like I paid more attention in class than I thought I had.

P.S. The grammatical structure of your second paragraph implies that the rest of the world refers to animals not found in the Class of Insecta as 'insects'.
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Segador promoted this comment zeroprime was starred zeroprime was unstarred

Thangka
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
Well, hmm. Don't report me to PETA but I always thought half the fun was boiling them alive and listening for the alleged 'lobster scream.'

All told, I'm not sure boiling them is any worse then shocking them to death. I mean, after that we tear their bodies apart and feast on their flesh, maybe suck out their guts if we are the type that like the tamale.

So what kind of sucker lays out cash for a device like this? Estupido.
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Edited by Thangka at 11/24/09 3:36 AM Thangka was starred Thangka was unstarred

Kaiser-Machead
11/24/09

@Thangka: PETA will soon be filing suit against the octopus for biting into the shells and sucking the brains out of lobsters without even humanely killing them first.
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Jrsy Devil's Advocate®
11/24/09

@Thangka: This won't stop the 'scream'. Lobsters don't have vocal chords. The sound is produced from the air between the innards and shell, superheated by the boiling water to become steam, then escaping.
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deanbmmv
11/24/09

@Thangka: Apparently 60 restaurants across UK, with Waitrose requiring their use in restaurants that serve lobster.
£2,500 a pop, but if you can tell your customers their food wasn't boiled alive n just electrocuted like their friends beef, it can get a bit of good PR.
Expect it to get more wide use over the next few years.
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SteveDaveMcQueen
11/24/09

@deanbmmv: If they made me buy one of these for my restaurant (if i had one) I'd serve every one who ordered lobster personally. I'd let them go and pick their lobster out of the tank, while I tell them about our ShockLobster machine for quickly dispatching the creatures. IF they go on a rant telling me how great we are and how good we are for shocking the shit out of lobsters until they die, rather than stabbing them in the brain or boiling them alive, and how they don't eat french fries because they're cooked in the same grease that a burger might have touched, then the following shall happen:

1.Customer will be asked to go back to their table after they pick their lobster.
2.I will meet them at table, lobster in hand, a few minutes later and verify that it is the one they wanted.
3.Upon verification of lobster I.D., I will smash the lobster's head with a mallet.
4.Supposing customer stays after step 3: return to kitchen, use ShockLobster on lobster anyway, and cook lobster for customer.

If they just respond with an "oh, ok" after hearing about our ShockLobster device, then the lobster will be shocked to death w/o head smashing.

ShockLobster is the sole property of Jrsy Devil's.
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AmishJohn promoted this comment SteveDaveMcQueen was starred SteveDaveMcQueen was unstarred

Thangka
11/24/09

@Jrsy Devil's Advocate®: Believe it or not, I know. There was a little sarcasm intended in my post. For example, one might draw the conclusion that I don't give a fuck about the +/- 1 second it takes a lobster to die in boiling water. Just put it in head first and forget about anything but overcooking it.

Man, all this uppity-ness about lobsters. What about their little cousins the crawfish? I eat them by the hundreds when I am in La. Nobody taking up their cause. Too much trouble to taser them one by one. It's not fair I say! If you're going to taser my lobsters, I want all my crustaceans tasered! Or at least laser etched.
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AmishJohn
11/24/09

@SteveDaveMcQueen: I thought 'ShockLobster' was a B52s song...
*Edit*
Ah, just saw the Devil's comment below.
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Edited by AmishJohn at 11/24/09 10:09 AM AmishJohn was starred AmishJohn was unstarred

Jrsy Devil's Advocate®
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
Shock Lobster!!
Shock Lobster!!!
Shock Lobster!!!!

I love that song by the B-52's..
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Edited by Jrsy Devil's Advocate® at 11/24/09 3:31 AM

MrPliskin0
11/24/09

@Jrsy Devil's Advocate®: I second this.
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Jrsy Devil's Advocate® promoted this comment MrPliskin0 was starred MrPliskin0 was unstarred

Kaiser-Machead
11/24/09

In reply to Lobster Taser: Now We've Tasered Everything
I lol'd at the lobster judges presiding, and I sort of like CrustaStun.

Better than Stungeness Crab
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Kaiser-Machead was starred Kaiser-Machead was unstarred

Jrsy Devil's Advocate®
11/24/09

@Kaiser-Machead: And the lobsters will hence forth be referred to as 'Red Shells'....
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P3nnst8r
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
DON'T TASE ME.... Oh, really? Well, go ahead then, bro. #tasers
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Coolmodo
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
I'm shocked by the results of this study.
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Edited by Coolmodo at 11/17/09 7:27 PM Coolmodo was starred Coolmodo was unstarred

jacobestes
11/17/09

@Coolmodo: This doesn't make any sense...beating the shit out of somebody with a baton is more dangerous than using a taser? What about when they used guns? Wait a second. What if they are handcuffed and the officers take turns hitting them? Jeez I really don't get this. #tasers
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Nathan Obbards
11/17/09

@jacobestes: It's barbaric and stunning that the punnery was lost upon you. #tasers
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jacobestes
11/18/09

@Nathan Obbards: ...I was making jokey joke?
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Hello Mister Walrus
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
Since we're talking about this, is there a study on the relative dangers of candle wax, whipping and voluntary asphyxiation? You never know when you might... uh, run into unexpected situations. #tasers
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Gundem
11/17/09

@Hello Mister Walrus: oh lawdy #tasers
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badhatharry
11/17/09

@Hello Mister Walrus: I just started dating this super-hot goth girl, so I will have an exhaustedly researched study in a few weeks when I get tired of her and move on to something new. #tasers
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00000000
11/17/09

@badhatharry: Pics or it didn't happen <3 #tasers
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badhatharry
11/17/09

@00000000: Here. #tasers
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Kaiser-Machead
11/17/09

@badhatharry: That's what Guillermo Del Toro will look like if he goes to hell. #tasers
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00000000
11/17/09

@badhatharry: Love the hair! <3 #tasers
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nutbastard
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
on star trek, it's "don't phase me, bro!"

in colleges, it's "don't haze me, bro!"

for native americans, it's "don't maize me, bro!"

you could threaten a snot rocket: "don't nase me, bro!"

or try to shave them against their will:
"don't raze me, bro!"

in an art museum: "don't vase me, bro!"

when dealing with an unaccepting orphan:
"don't raise me, bro!"
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Edited by nutbastard at 11/17/09 6:49 PM nutbastard was starred nutbastard was unstarred

Lite: hates Illinois Nazis
11/17/09

If you're an indentured servant is it: Don't enslave me bro? #tasers
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HeroOfTomorrow
11/17/09

@nutbastard: While being insane, it's "don't craze me, bro!"

While being hit in the face, it's "don't daze me, bro!"

While being Steve Jobs, it's "turtlenecks ARE TOO 2009!" #tasers
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MrBangBam promoted this comment HeroOfTomorrow was starred HeroOfTomorrow was unstarred

Nathan Obbards
11/17/09

@nutbastard: And if a streetwalker gets the tazer it's: ''Don't taze me, ho!'' #tasers
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nutbastard
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
"Taser use reduced the overall risk of injury by 65 per cent."

so what, they miss 65% of the time? because as far as i can tell, getting tased has a 100% chance of causing injury.
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Edited by nutbastard at 11/17/09 6:44 PM nutbastard was starred nutbastard was unstarred

Nathan Obbards
11/17/09

@nutbastard: No broken bones, bruises, head trauma, internal injuries, etc. When you have to violently subdue someone vs. tazing them, you run the risk of inflicting damage on them. While some cops do get taze happy and taze too much, I can guarantee you that if a cop has to use physical force, there will be much more force than is needed to take you down. I have no intention of being tazed, but I would much rather be tazed than have my ass handed to me. #tasers
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nutbastard
11/17/09

@Nathan Obbards:

true true. cops and football players have a tendency to give 110%. #tasers
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Nathan Obbards
11/17/09

@nutbastard: I think it has to do with adrenaline mixed with anger more than anything. Cops do not like to have to resort to physical confrontations as they are dangerous to them. If they do have to, that adrenaline mixed with anger at the end is likely to result in some cheap shots. Is it right? By no means, but at the same time, it is incredibly hard to control at any level of training. #tasers
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nutbastard
11/17/09

@Nathan Obbards:

i agree. it's impossible to dial in the right amount of force, and when it's your ass on the line, you tend to err on the side of excess, since the alternative could get you killed. #tasers
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phool
11/17/09

@Nathan Obbards: I don't know, everything else I've ever have handed to me hasn't been so bad.

"'Scuse me, sir? I think you dropped this."

Oh, my. Thank you. It would have been a very long flight. #tasers
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Nathan Obbards promoted this comment phool was starred phool was unstarred

phool
11/17/09

@Nathan Obbards: I'm not so sure about how I feel about the "... at any level of training." I've always felt like humanity should in general be better at controlling emotion and response, but more than that anyone with the right training I think should be expected to avoid "cheap shots." Those are for you and me in a bar, not for people with "potentially violent confrontation" in their job description. #tasers
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Nathan Obbards promoted this comment phool was starred phool was unstarred

Nathan Obbards
11/17/09

@phool: I agree that they should be able to harness their emotions better, but it can be hard. Honestly, my stance is that if we actually started treating cops with more respect, it would be reciprocated, but if you are treated like shit day in day out by people, it can be hard not to let it get to you. There are some truly great cops out there and there are some people who should be behind bars, not putting people behind bars. I do stand by that claim though, that in the heat of the moment, no matter how well you are trained, it can be hard to know when to stop. I also think that, though understandable, cops who take cheap shots should be reprimanded, and not in the ''take a paid week off'' kind of way. #tasers
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IUHoos
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
I hear hippies burst into smoke when tased. #tasers
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badhatharry promoted this comment IUHoos was starred IUHoos was unstarred

badhatharry
11/17/09

@IUHoos: But it's marijuana smoke. Or patchoulli. #tasers
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lostarchitect
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
I know my girlfriend's super pissed at me when she looks at me like I'm a total ass and says, "Use your words". #tasers
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DustyButt™
11/17/09

In reply to Tasers Are Safer Than Fists and Batons, Less Safe Than Not Beating People Up
There are... Four lights!, bro. #tasers
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