Manual Methods:

Bug Net Launcher Gun: Just pull the trigger and four darts will shoot out carrying a net for capturing bugs. Available for $20. [Amazon]

Bug Zapper Tennis Racket: Fry those pesky insects and work on your backhand at the same time. Just two AA batteries will provide enough juice to electrocute the little suckers on contact. Available for $10. [Product Page]

Delete Key Flyswatter: It's old school, but any nerd can appreciate this method. Available for $8. [Spoon Sisters]

Let the Gadgets Do the Dirty Work:

Electronic Venus Fly Trap: Bait is hidden inside the mouth of the trap, which is fitted with two sensors that quickly snap the jaws shut when a fly is detected. After the deed is done, the jaws reopen and the trap emits a satisfied burp. Available for around $40. [Eurocosm via Link]

Talking Bug Zapper: This inhumanely hysterical twist on the old-fashioned bug zapper adds one of 15 phrases including “that’s gonna leave a mark,” and “goodbye cruel world!” when the bugs come in contact with the grid. It's probably more annoying than anything else, but it's cheap at only $20. [Product Page]

DIY Projects:

Electric Roach Motel: This little DIY project can generate 10 pulses at 400 volts per second using a 9 volt battery and a PIC12F683 with a switchable clock speed. That will fry a roach up good. However, it is probably not a good idea to have around if you have dogs, small children or gigantic, clumsy feet. [Mondo Technology via Link]

Lego Mousetrap: Mice are not usually a major problem in the summertime, but when the weather starts getting cooler they can be a real nuisance. Fortunately, you can put your love of Legos to good use by building a simple trap that is activated by a pressure plate. [True Dimensions via Link]

Torture:

Watch a Bug: It is supposed to be educational, but the bottom line is that you are holding a bug hostage in a tiny prison attached to your wrist. Whether it lives or dies a slow, agonizing death is up to you. Available for $5. [Wowcoolstuff]

Mosquito Spring-Loaded Bear Trap: Okay, this mini mosquito bear trap probably won't work, but if it ever did that would be a hunting tale for the ages. Available for $4. [FH Trading Post]

Let the Bugs Choose Their Own Fate:

Pest Decide: The device will draw in bugs using a set of UV LEDs, but which side will they choose? The blue light of Heaven or the red light of Hell? Either way, they still get zapped. Now that is cold. Available for around $28. [Lazybone]

Stress Toys: Did you know that there are squeezable stress toys for just about any difficult situation? Here are some examples:

I Have a Drinking Problem: The Guinness Stress Pint will help you kick that habit. Available for $4.95. [Guinness]

I'm Sexually Frustrated: Grab a handful of Stressticles squeezable testi-balls and save money on a prostitute. Available for around $10. [Gobaz]

The Copy Machine at Work Sucks: If you can't go "Office Space" on it with a bat, squeezing this copy machine stress toy may be the next best thing. Available for $2.99. [Kleargear]

I Ate a Wheel of Cheese Yesterday and Now I'm Constipated: No problem. Take this toilet stress toy into the bathroom with you and let it work its magic. Available for $1.99. [Office Playground]

A Luxurious Spa Treatment: Perhaps simple stress toys are not enough. What you need to relax is a little time in the spa.

The Wellness Skull: Designed by Dutch artist Atlier Van Lieshout, the Wellness Skull features a small bath in the neck and a sauna in the head. When it is working, steam pours out of the eye sockets. I'm not sure if it is up for sale, but it would definitely be a unique way to unwind. [Project Page]

The Red Diamond Bathtub: What does $47,200 buy you in a bathtub these days? Well, the Red Diamond comes with two retractable waterproof HDTVs, wireless controls via a built-in GSM module, massage functions, a Swarovski crystal-lined champagne holder and a frame made of solid gold. [Red Diamond via Link]

The Energy Cocoon Balance Bathtub: This spa features an infrared sauna, steam sauna, aromatherapy and light therapy functions, hydromassage, airbubble massage and a hand shower in an extremely compact design. [NeoQi via BornRich]

"Massage": Note the quotation marks. When all else fails, you can always turn to products like these to "release" a little "tension."

Fist-Shaped Back Massager: Uh...what? It looks like a cartoon-fist. Ooooh...that's just wrong. Available for $6.88. [Spilsbury]

Massage Pants: The manufacturer claims that these pants have multiple massage modes and an automatic temperature control. What are you supposed to be massaging? Why can you get it only in bulk? Are they assuming you will be planning some sort of kinky massage pants party? [Trade Key]

Human Touch Massage Chairs: These chairs were seen leaving a now-defunct Sharper Image store. Human Touch eh? What are these chairs touching me with exactly? [Link]

Sensory Deprivation: In order to achieve iPhone-free Zen, you must first learn to literally block out all of the messages bombarding your senses. The following gadgets can help.

The Oculas: If you are really, really hardcore, you could drop $45,000 on what is described as "most complete and distinctly personalized lounging oasis in the world." This private fiberglass "relaxation theater" features a leather interior, massage chair, adjustable lighting levels, surround sound unit, TV, DVD and your choice of a Mac or PC. [Hammacher Schlemmer]

Sensory Deprivation Chair: Obviously, $45K is a bit on the expensive side for the average consumer. However, you could build your own chamber like Dutch artist Atelier Van Lieshout did with his Sensory Deprivation Skull Chair. You could also buy one from the art gallery in the link, but my guess is that it won't come cheap either. [Artnet]

Sound Relaxer Eye Shades: See no evil and hear no evil with an eye mask that features ocean waves, rainforest, rippling brook and raindrop sounds. You can even pipe in your own music. Available for $24.99. [Overstock]

Brainwashing Goggles: If plain old sensory deprivation is not silencing the voices inside your head telling you to get an iPhone, a thorough brainwashing might be in order. These brainwashing goggles claim to rewire your brain using flashing images and other hocus pocus. No word on when and if the device will go into production. [Link]

Anti-Apple Propaganda: Another technique on the road to recovery from iPhone overload is to spend a little time viewing some anti-Apple messages. This T-shirt method is especially effective when being worn outside an Apple store at launch. You can take pleasure in mocking all of the fanboys suffering in line.

iDontCare available in a range of styles and prices. [Cafepress]

Ban the "i" available in a range of styles and prices. [Cafepress]

uSHeep available for $18. [T-Shirt Hell]

Violence and Aggression: To hell with all of this hippie Zen crap! The only way to silence my rage is through aggression.

Hey lookit! Its one of those videos where some douche smashes an iPhone! Yeahhhhhh! Or how about an image of the iPhone 3G gruesomely dissected?

Desktop Punching Bag: Maybe it's time to go to the source of the problem. Damn that Steve Jobs! Just affix the punching bag to your desktop with the suction cup and slide a photo of your nemesis into the pocket on the front of the bag. Available soon. [Perpetual Kid]

Cellphone Jammer: This little guy will shut down any cellphone signal within a 60-foot radius. Nobody can enjoy the iPhone, dammit! Available for $550. [Advanced Intelligence]

Freedom of Speech:

Nothing says "America" like making our political leaders hump in action figure form. Start your own freaky Beltway love triangle involving George and Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton, Uncle Sam, John and Jackie Kennedy, Ronald Reagan and Benjamin Franklin (horn-dog that he was) with these Political Posers action figures. They even threw Jesus in for some totally inappropriate fun. Available for $8.88 each. [Prank Place]

Don't like how Bush is handling things in the White House? Move him into another white house (the kind made from porcelain). You will knock him down a few pegs with a really dirty job. The George Bush toilet brush is available for $16.95. [Baron Bob]

Hillary may be out of the race, but you can remember her campaign for the nation's highest office every time you crack open a walnut. The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker is available for $19.99. [Teptronics via Link]

Knives With Guns In Them:

The G.R.A.D. features a .22 caliber gun hidden in a knife for people who don't think their enemies can ever be too dead. Second amendment! Wooo! Available for $699. [GunsAmerica (how appropriate) and Link]

Huge Grills and Competitive Eating:

It is no wonder that all of the grills out there vying for the title of "world's largest" can be found in the United States. The "Big Taste Grill" is 65 feet of meat-cooking mayhem. With surface area enough for 750 brats at a given time, its max output is 2,500 bph (brats per hour). [Big Taste Grill]

It's not a gadget but come on...competitive eating. If that doesn't scream America I don't know what does. Seriously—they have their own federation, like wrestlers. [IFOCE]

Texas:

Texas knows how to do America right—big and in your face. Case in point, the world's largest video screen is set to go up in the new Cowboys stadium next year. When it is finally installed, it will measure a whopping 11,200 square feet. [Link]

Excess and Laziness:

America is obsessed with acquiring wealth to live lavish, lazy lifestyles. Plumbing service provider Roto-Rooter had America pegged when it ran a promotion last year with a pimped-out toilet featuring a 20-inch LCD, DVD player, XBox 360, iPod with toilet paper stereo docking station, TiVo, Avanti refrigerator with beer tap, a bike pedal exerciser and cup warmer/cooler. [Link]

Over-the-Top Consumerism:

One of the most interesting things about America is that companies will try and sell us anything—and we will be right there, waiting at the check-out lanes with open arms and open wallets.

Star Trek- and MLB-themed urns are a perfect example of this phenomenon. Major companies and franchises put their names on products, and we are so enamored we want to take them to the afterlife. [Eternal Image via Link]

What could be more American than a pair of motion-activated, singing, vibrating breasts? How about a pair of motion-activated, singing, vibrating breasts that you can record your own song on? Indeed, "Jingle Jugs for Life" has an option to record your own message or song. And, in a truly American move, they have added a pre-recorded breast cancer awareness message on each product to keep the feminists at bay. Available for $39.99 (original version) and $49.99 for breast cancer awareness version. [Jingle Jugs and Link]

In the end, I can only hope that this little gadget-filled journey across our great nation has helped you understand just how lucky you are to be an American. So, get out there, cook up some BBQ, drink some beer and shoot illegal fireworks wildly into the air. It's the American way.

First off, let's talk a little about clothing. Naturally, wearing the proper attire can make a huge difference on a hot day. Light colored clothing, shorts and flip flops are one way to do it—but if you are looking for something a little more advanced, I have a few examples here you should keep in mind:

USB "Air Conditioned" Shirt: Plugging this shirt into the USB drive of your computer will pull in cool air to your body using fans positioned on the lower part of the back. Available for $169. [Product Page and Link]

Nike PreCool Vest: This vest takes things a few steps further than the air-conditioned shirt when it comes to keeping your core temperature down. The innermost layer of the vest is filled with frozen water and it is insulated by an outermost layer of aluminum. Unfortunately, the vest is only available to Olympic athletes, so it looks like you will have to do one of two things to get your hands on one—undergo a complete physical transformation into a world class athlete, or be patient and hope that Nike releases it to the general public one day. [Link]

Insulated Evaporative Cooling Hat: Solar powered hats with fans are a dime a dozen, but if you really want to stay cool, this cap should do the trick. Just run it under a faucet and let the sun draw heat away from your head by slowly evaporating the water. Apparently, it can keep your head up to 30% cooler than the outside temperature—and a waterproof lining ensures that your head stays dry. And as anyone who has ever watched a survival show knows, you could always urinate on something like this if the going ever got rough. Available for $24.95. [Hammacher Schlemmer]

Sometimes basic air-conditioning just isn't enough to stay comfortable in the heat. When indoors, these gadgets will keep you extra cool (or downright frigid):

Ice Sauna: If you have the means, the latest trend in many European countries is to install an ice sauna in your home. This particular sauna, dubbed the "Snow Room," was developed by a company called MNK—and it can keep the temperature at a brisk 10 degrees below zero. But I must warn you—if you manage to lure a chick this hot into one of these things, keep in mind that penis frostbite will bring a party down real fast. [Link]

"Air Conditioned" Bed: If ice saunas are a little too extreme for your taste, you could always cool down at night with an "air-conditioned" bed. Using similar technology as the shirt mentioned earlier, this device will draw air in into the pad and circulate it under your body while you sleep. Available for $399. [Product Page via Link]

Luxury 18-headed shower: A cold shower is not just for sexual frustration—it can be a great way to escape the heat as well. This monster luxury shower is an 18-headed beast that will all but drown you in water. Plus it has a powerful floor nozzle that looks as though it will give you a cold water enema. Now that is refreshing! Too bad it will cost you $100,000 to install. [Tag Signature via Link]

When outdoors, a swimming pool is an ideal way to beat the heat. But not everyone is fortunate enough to have one at their disposal. Here are some alternatives:

Big Wave Trampoline: Pools are great, but what if I am looking for something a little deadlier? This 13-foot Big Wave Trampoline will keep you cool and give you that adrenaline rush you so desperately crave. Available for $11.95. [Super Fun Trampolines]

Universal Shower Diffuser: Staying hydrated is extremely important when it is hot outside, but sometimes you just feel like pouring that bottle over your head to cool off. This gadget fits on any standard PET bottle and restricts the flow of water so that it can be dispensed like a shower head. That means you can enjoy a quick soak and still have some water left over for drinking. Unfortunately, the dude in this image has the wrong idea. Available for around $50. [Made in Design via Link]

Finally, what you put on the inside is just as important as what you put on the outside when it comes to staying cool. And when I think of a hot day, two things generally come to mind: booze and ice cream.

Taisin Ice Sphere Mold: Perfect on-the-rocks-drinks require perfect ice—and this mold from a Japanese company named Taisin can help you achieve that feat by creating perfect ice spheres. When a chunk of ice is placed inside the press, the mold gradually closes around it as it melts. The result is a sphere that melts slowly in your drink—ensuring that it does not get watered down. The Taisin mold can produce 30-40 ice balls in an hour and it is available in 55, 65, 70 and 80mm sizes. [Taisin via Link]

The Scoop & Stack: By the looks of things, the Scoop & Stack can make quick work of getting ice cream out of a container. And the cylindrical shape means you can stack that sucker to the sky. Available for $14.95. [Wrapables]

Rich Dads:

Rich Dads are probably the hardest category of Dads to shop for. I mean, what do you give the man who has everything? Here are a few unique suggestions:

The UR-202 Wristwatch: Besides looking completely awesome, the UR-202 features a unique winding system that is regulated by compressed air. The winding is controlled using miniature twin turbines and the level of air compression generated by these turbines can actually be altered using a 3-position selector switch. Pricing information has not been made available on the UR-202, but if you have to ask you probably can't afford it. [Urwerk via Link]

Crystal Foosball Table: Your rich father may have a lot of stuff, but I guarantee he does not have something as fun and frivolous as a crystal foosball table with aluminum players. Again, the sticker shock would be too high for normal folk, so expect to shell out some serious bucks for dear old Dad. [Teckell via Link]

The Craftsman Professional Tool Set: Sure your father has tools, but does he have EVERY tool? This Craftsman Collection comes with 1470 pieces—enough to keep him tinkering until the end of time. Available for $$7,619.90 (before shipping). [Sears]

Motion Pro II Racing Simulator: If your father likes fast cars, chances are he would love a top of the line racing simulator that can run you in excess of $45,000 when you throw in extras like a panoramic screen, a six-speed gated shifter and custom bodywork. [CXC Simulations via Link]

Fun Dads

If your father has a sense of humor, the following gifts are sure to get a laugh:

Executive Ball Scratcher: What is the classy, executive gentleman to do when he has a very un-classy itch? This chrome plated ball scratcher is tough enough to do the dirty work, yet elegant enough to keep on a desk in plain view. Available for around $11.36. [Find Me a Gift]

Beaver Stuffing Kit: Most guys love stuffing beavers, and as much as you don't want to think about it, your father probably does too. So, give him what he craves with this beaver stuffing kit. Available for around $15 [Find Me a Gift]

Potty Putter: Golf balls may be a boring gift, but an entire putting system you can use from the comfort of your own toilet is another story entirely. Available for $19.95. [Baron Bob]

Control a Woman Remote: With functions like "cook," "clean," "remove clothes," "stop nagging" and a breast enhancer / reduction dial, this novelty remote is sure to get laughs—but probably not from your mother. Available for around $10. [Genie Gadgets]

Deadbeat Dads:

Let's face it, not everyone has a magical childhood because there are plenty of deadbeat Dads out there. If your father happens to be one of them, here are a few gifts that will tell him exactly how you feel:

Middle Finger Vibrator: This symbolic gift will tell him exactly where he can go and what he can do with himself. Available for $39.99. [Sex Toy Party]

Bed Snake Bat: Actually, this is more of a gift for that strip club waitress that your father dumped your mother for. Tell her to keep it next to the bed. If a bed snake should bother her in the middle of the night, she can whack it up good. Available for around $6. [Giftmonger]

Life-Sized Cardboard Policeman: This is the gift that will keep on giving. Put him on your father's doorstep, in front of his car, or just place it in his bedroom before the alarm goes off in the morning. Your father could go to jail for any number of reasons—it's all about keeping him on his toes. Available for $30.79. [Incredible Gifts]

Nothing: When all else fails, you could always get him nothing. But instead of simply showing up empty handed, bring him a packaged version of nothing. It makes for a more powerful statement. Available for around $7. [iwoot]

With the WWDC kickoff only days away and the launch of the 3G iPhone imminent, many hardcore geeks will brave the elements outside of their local Apple store in an attempt to be among the first to score a shiny new phone. If you happen to be one of those geeks, the following tips and gadgets will help you survive the crowds and emerge victorious.

•Tip #1: Stay informed. Waiting in lines for hours on end to purchase gadgets is borderline crazy. Waiting for gadgets that may not actually show up to the party is full-on crazy.

•Tip #2: Make sure things are cool at work. The iPhone is great and everything, but it is not worth losing your job over. Make sure you have the vacation time and / or you come up with a great excuse to be out of work for a day or so.

•Tip #3: Get there early. It seems like common sense, but keep in mind that there are always people out there willing to go the extra mile.

•Tip #4: Dress appropriately. If it is hot, wear shorts. It is as simple as that. However, wearing an iPhone or Apple related shirt might earn you some respect from your fellow line nerds.

•Tip #5. Bring a friend. You will need someone to talk to (and hold you) when things get rough. Plus, who will watch your spot when you have to go to the bathroom? If you don't have any friends, try and make some in line with your irresistible charm, wit and good looks.

•Tip #6:Bribes can't hurt. Bring a box of donuts or soft drinks to distribute to your fellow campers. It will go a long way to help you make friends and acquire information. Cash always works too.

•Tip #7: Stock up on non-perishable foods like beef jerky and Twinkies. You will need the beefy, spicy sugary energy to stay alert.

•Tip #8. Entertainment is essential. Handheld game systems, portable DVD players, and portable web-enabled devices should do the trick. Just remember to bring backup batteries.

•Tip #9: Stand your ground. If you let people cut you in line a stampede is likely to breakout. Let those dorks know you are one geek that is not to be trifled with.

•Tip #10: Last but not least, make sure you are properly equipped to handle everything that mother nature can throw at you while you are waiting in line. The following gadgets can offer some assistance in your iPhone quest:

Tents are not always necessary, but If you plan on hunkering down for a long time, this Woods solar-powered E-Z Tent with interior LEDs is the way to go. Four to six hours of sunlight on the solar panels will yield 2 to 4 hours of light in the tent. You can even use the panels independently to charge up your gadgets. Available for $100-120 (4-6 person tents). [Camping Outlet]

Earlier I mentioned that it is a great idea to bring a friend so that you can take care-free bathroom breaks. But with this Coleman portable flush toilet you could pinch a loaf right there in line. Although, I recommend that you do so inside a tent or away from prying eyes. Dropping a deuce in public is generally frowned upon and will not go over well with both your fellow line nerds and the authorities. Available for $74.95. [Sunny Sports]

Staying clean is crucial. It boosts morale and your clean fresh scent will be intoxicating to those around you. Thanks to this pocket shower, you can enjoy a good seven minutes of washing up using 10-liters of water. Plus, the black casing absorbs heat from the sun, so your shower will be nice and warm. Again, think of the people around you when using this. Public nudity is a no-no. Available for $24.95. [REI]

In order to survive, you are going to need food. As mentioned earlier, non-perishable items are key when line camping, but if it is a hot meal you crave this portable solar cooker can get the job done. All you need is a black pot to cook things like fish, poultry and red meats, stews, casseroles, eggs, veggies, grains, bread, cakes and desserts. It can even help you purify water should you be forced to drink your own urine. Available for $24.90. [Safety Central]

Finally, you are going to need some sort of cooler to keep drinks and other items cold. If you are going to be in line for an extended period of time, this solar power refrigeration unit can keep your beverages frosty using the power of the sun. Unfortunately, the privilege is going to cost you somewhere in the neighborhood of $1000 for 5-8 cubic feet of fridge or freezer space. [Parts on Sale]

Naturally, this advice would work for any big product launch line camping scenario—but over the years I have learned that waiting in an endless line for a gadget is more trouble than it's worth. This is especially true when you consider that there where plenty of original iPhones at launch. If you have some patience, it is a good idea to make friends with store employees or ask questions about when shipments arrive. If you know when product comes in, you stand a much better chance of being there first when it is restocked. Using this technique, I managed to score a Wii at a Toys R' Us only a week after launch.

Q: What about entertainment? I can't just sleep all day (or can I?).

If it is entertainment you seek, look no further than the Hi-Can high fidelity canopy. It will enable you to surf the web, watch movies, play games and listen to music—all from the comfort of your bed. You can even control other gadgets in the room via a control panel located on the headboard. At this point the bed is only a concept, but the words "coming soon" at the end of the video on the website offer some hope that it will become a commercial product. [Hi-Can via Link]

Chances are the Hi-Can is going to be a little rich for your blood, but you still have plenty of inexpensive choices when it comes to MP3 pillows. This particular iPod-shaped version is soft enough to sleep on, but you can also hook it to your iPod (or any other MP3 player) to listen to your favorite tunes through its speakers. You can even scan through FM radio. Available for $19.99. [Kleargear]

If you want a comfortable way to use your laptop in bed, LapDawg has the answer with a wooden stand that will allow you to use your computer in a variety of positions—even lying down. Available for $130. [LapDawg via Link]

Q: What about sex? I like sex.

Don't worry—we have you covered. First up we have this Private Cloud bed by designer Manuel Kloker. As you can see from the image above, it can rock. It is also available for sale, although the price is unknown. If you can't put 2 and 2 together with how that could prove useful in a sexual situation, chances are you are not so popular with the ladies. Let me re-direct you to another product more suited to your needs:

Strip Tease Pillow Cases: While this pillowcase is fairly tame, I can assure you that things get interesting as the stripping continues on pillow 2. Available for $19.95. [Private Cloud Bed via Link and Strip Tease Pillow Cases—NSFW Link!]

Getting back on track, we have the aptly titled "Love Mattress." It offers couples "a simple yet effective position for embracing" using polyurethane-injected foam strips that allow arms and feet to fit between the gaps. In other words, you can hold your partner without having your arms fall asleep. And, by the looks of things, it can offer quite a bit of traction. Unfortunately, the Love Mattress is only a concept at this point. [Gooya Design via Link]

If you are looking for something a little classier and more elaborate, we have the Sphere Bed with its 32-inch LCD TV, surround sound speakers, champagne chiller and massage unit under the mattress. Plus, it has that plush red frame that just screams sex. [Product Page via Link]

Q: As you can probably tell, my priorities are messed up—which is why I put sex and entertainment over hygiene. But I do shower every once in awhile—can I do that in bed?

Yes...yes you can. The Shower Bath in Bed is normally reserved for those with severe physical limitations, but I don't see why it can't be utilized by the lazy as well. Basically, the Shower Bath in Bed is a collapsible tub that stays on the bed at all times. When it is time for a bath or shower, the tub basin is formed and a shower head with hot and cold faucets is fed water from a supply system that can be connected to a sink or bathroom faucet spout. When the shower is complete, the water can be funneled to a floor drain or pumped into a commode, sink or bathtub with the optional Automatic Drain AUDR-1 accessory. Not surprisingly, this kind of convenience doesn't come cheap. Expect to pay well over $5000 for the complete package. [Shower Bath in Bed]

Q: What about dropping a deuce? Can I do that in bed?

Sure—if you have one of these Quantum Sleepers. One of the main perks is a complete toiletry system, but the fun does not stop there. The unit also functions as a panic room that can protect you from break-ins, chemical warfare and natural disasters. The unit is completely air-tight so filtered O2 is pumped in. It also features 1.25" polycarbonate bulletproof plating, a heating and air conditioning system, cover and door actuators with emergency release, a proximity sensor, O2 sensor, smoke detector, motion detector, an emergency communication system and backup battery power.

According to the product page, the rebreather system will work for three days before the unit starts to tap outside air—which is more than enough for a weekend of serious R&R. Curiously enough, it is also enough time to die of dehydration. There does not seem to be any mention of how rations and water would be stored. [Quantum Sleeper]

Q: I like the idea behind that Quantum Sleeper. If Armageddon should come while I lie in bed this weekend, how will I kill the zombies that are sure to roam the Earth?

With a "Back-Up" bed rifle rack, of course! When it is inserted under the mattresses, your shotgun is always within arms' reach. [Back-Up]

Q: What about the kids? How can I keep them out of my hair this weekend?

As a bonus, I offer you these space shuttle and pirate ship themed beds. If you are willing to drop around $2600 and $8000 (respectively) on beds this awesome, chances are your kids won't want to leave bed either. [Space Shuttle Bed via Link and Pirate Ship Bed]

BBQ Tower Smoker: This six-foot-tall smoker has enough racks and surface area to simultaneously cook just about any type of meat that you can think of. And it won't take up a ton of your patio space. Available for $500. [Hammacher Schlemmer via Link]

The Ultimate Tailgating Trailer: If a sporting event is in the cards this weekend, kick your tailgating party up a few notches with this tailgating trailer from Gameday Customs. The standard model includes a 26-inch LCD, satellite dish, CD/DVD player, 1000 Watt generator, and a toilet—but you will need to upgrade to get your fresh water system with sink, refrigerator and, of course, the BBQ itself. Naturally, partying this hard will set you back a few—to the tune of $14,000 or more. [Gameday Customs via Link]

Solar Powered Grill: It will probably take a year to cook a burger with a grill that reflects the sun's rays, but if you have a thing about the environment this may be an attractive option. Was available for $249. (Or you could build one yourself, like this guy.) [Tammock via Link]

Koolatron Portable "Drive N' Grill": If you decide to take a road trip this weekend, that doesn't mean you have to pass on the BBQ. This portable grill plugs right into your cigarette lighter to keep you cooking while on the go. And it is actually called the "Drive N' Grill," so my guess is that safety isn't a top priority. Available for $36. [1ofakindbuys]

Longhorn Steel Grill: Nothing beats cooking meat in a grill shaped like meat. Available for $1699. [Traeger Grills]

Smoker and Grill Trailer: This smoker/grill combo hitches to the back of your vehicle and features a whopping 108"-long cooking chamber for serious BBQ projects. Available for $8545.04. [Grill Showroom]

Beer Barrel BBQ: This simple design makes for a charcoal grill that is big enough to entertain your guests, but small enough to transport just about anywhere. Available for around $140. [Drinkstuff]

Ariete SteakHouse Indoor Grill: The product page calls it a grill, but we know a steak toaster when we see one. The SteakHouse cooks your meat vertically and heats it from the side so the fats and grease drip down into a tray without smoking. Yup, sounds like a toaster to me. Available for $220. [Ariete via Link]

Cook N' Dine Tabletop Grill: This tabletop grill functions indoors or out thanks to a flameless cooking mechanism that runs on electricity. The center of the stainless steel surface forms a shallow cooking pit that heats up to 430 degrees Fahrenheit—no pots or pans necessary. Prices start at around $1600. [Cook n' Dine via Link]

The Ultimate Smoker and Grill: Technically you can't buy this gigantic smoker and grill, but you can rent it for a carnival-sized crowd. This beast can cook 200 steaks or 1,000 hot dogs simultaneously, it can slow smoke 2,000 pounds of meat and it features a 48" flat screen television with satellite and a Bose sound system to entertain guests. Rental packages start at $5,000 (before additional expenses). [Adventure Alliance]

Bonus Accessories: Now that you have the grill, you are going to need some cool accessories to go with it. Here are a few favorites:

Roast My Weenie: This little dude has balls of steel—literally. Available for $15. [Roast my Weenie]

BBQ Sword: Ha Ha...pork sword. Available soon for $29.99. [Firebox via Link]

Condiment Pistol: Fill up this oversized cartoon gun with your favorite condiments and blast your burgers. Plus, you will always have the upper hand if a food fight breaks out. Available soon for around $30. [Firebox via Link]

If the Clapper is bad, a Star Trek Voice Activated Light Dimmer is liable to have her hospitalized for tearing a muscle in a fit of laughter. This geeky gem plugs into any standard wall outlet and can be illuminated in three brightness levels using simple voice commands—which will be confirmed by the voice of Majel Roddenberry herself. It also doubles as a night light—and we all know how much women love men who are afraid of the dark. Available for $69.99. [Kleargear]

Creepy binoculars that make you seem like a pedophile are a definite no-no. So steer clear of these plushes with built-in binoculars. [Global Sources via Link]

I hate to break it to you guys, but there probably isn't a woman out there that would be interested in having sex with the Dr. Who Dalek, Optimus Prime, or the Dalek Sec Hybrid. So get those voice-changing helmets out of sight. Priced at $79.99, $34.99 and $64.99 respectively. [Dalek and Optimus Prime and Dalek Sec Hybrid]

As impressive as your collection of Star Wars figures, video games, and squirt guns might be, many women will be turned off by a hobby that requires a significant financial investment—not to mention a dedicated wing of your home.

Religious fanatics are just plain creepy—so avoid over-the-top imagery like this Miracle Eyes Jesus plaque. If a woman sees a statue of Jesus with eyes that follow you around the room, she is going to think that you are in some sort of applesauce eating, Kool-Aid drinking cult. Besides, "Jesus didn't come to Earth to give us the willies." Available for $8.75. [Merch-Bot]

When a woman enters your bathroom for the first time, she is going to poke around in there. We all do it. So, make sure that anything incriminating is disposed of properly. This is especially true if you happen to own one of these Turd Twisters. Basically, it is a device similar to those old Play-Doh machines that transform the dough into various shapes—only, instead of Play-Doh you are using your own feces. In all seriousness though, if you do use one of these, do the world a favor and stop dating altogether (no need to breed!). Available for $14.89. [Prank Place via Link]

Finally, the furniture you select to decorate your home says a lot about you. And if you happen to have a coffee table shaped like an NES controller (or a coffin) and a dresser resembling the lower half of a naked woman—that says you are a twisted, geeky pervert. A bed with springs for legs won't help boost your image either. [NES Table and Coffin Table and Sexy Furniture and Spring Bed]

Sleeping:

Generally, when things are slow at work, sleep is the first thing that comes to my mind. This compact Executive Hammock can help you indulge in a serious power nap. Available for $15.99. [1ofakindstuff]

Arts and Crafts:

You might find that downtime at work is a perfect time to indulge in your passions. Take building weapons out of common office supplies for example. It satisfies both your need to create and that stress-induced urge towards violence that is bubbling just underneath the surface. Here we have a lovely rubber band based projectile launcher and a stapler that doubles as a spiked club. [Office Guns and Strange Cosmos]

Desktop Toys/Games:

There are plenty of cool desktop games and toys out there, like the Gangster Shoot Shooting Gallery and the Rollerscape Roller Coaster Construction Set. The objective with Gangster Shoot is simple—you have three lives and a gun. Try and shoot the mobsters before they shoot you. The Rollerscape kit builds on a Tinkertoy theme allowing users to construct complex marble roller coasters. The shooting gallery and the roller coaster construction set are available for $34.95 and $29.99 respectively. [Gangster Shoot and Rollerscape]

Desktop curling? Eh...not so much. Available for around $20. [Alt-Gifts]

Fight Club:

The purpose of Fight Club is to use fighting as a form of psychotherapy. And if you are stuck at work chances are you could use a little stress relief. Pummel your way to happiness by challenging your co-workers to a karate throwdown using these inflatable karate hands and feet or go medieval with the lifesize foam latex warrior weapons set. Available for around $27 and $49-$59 respectively. [Inflatable Karate Set and Lifesize Warrior Weapons]

Throw a Party:

If you are going to throw a serious party in the office the first thing you are going to need is music, which you undoubtedly have stored on a computer or an MP3 player. The next thing you will need is some ambiance. This USB powered Disco Ball and Mirror Ball combo should do the trick nicely. Available for $11.99 and around $21 respectively. [Disco Ball and Mirror Ball]

After ambiance comes beer. The Avanti MBD5L Mini Pub is small enough to fit on a desktop, but it can dispense beer from a standard 5 liter keg and adjust the frostiness of your brew to a temperature of your choosing. Everything you need to get the party started is included for around $200. [Beverage Factory]

How about a little immature live entertainment to keep the party going? The H.E. Fartsalot Musical Butt Puppet plays "Old MacDonald," "Frere Jacques," or "London Bridge," when you insert your hand into his open torso cavity. Available for around $25. [Smutty Gifts]

Pranks:

When all else fails you can always resort to pulling pranks on your co-workers—and this Phantom Keystroker is one of the best by far. Just hook it up to your victim's computer via USB and laugh as it moves their mouse cursor around and types meaningless text at random intervals. If you are not getting anything done, no one is. Available for $24.99. [ThinkGeek via Link]

They say that the kitchen is the heart of any home, so that is where we will start. This Circular Kitchen utilizes the same sort of rotating space saving design that you might find in a cabinet or pantry. It only takes up 18 square feet, but it features the storage capacity of 12 cupboards in a conventional kitchen as well as room for essential appliances like a stove (burners above the fridge), dishwasher, sink, and microwave. Prices depend on the configuration, but expect to pay upwards of $6,000 to put one in your home. [Cleverkitchen]

It may only be where you sleep, but everyone wants a big bedroom. However, when space is tight, this is often the first place we think of when looking for a computer workspace. The aptly titled "Bedup" can buy you 30 square feet of extra space by sliding the bed up to the ceiling. Unfortunately, if your ceilings are low, you might be SOL on this one. Available for $4300 or more depending on options. [Bedup via Link]

If you don't consider yourself the owner of an actual "bedroom," maybe we should just talk about your "living space." This is the area where you will spend most of your time and do the majority of your entertaining, so optimizing the space is a must. For this task, there are two similar concept designs that could offer some inspiration for your own projects. The first is the Matroshka living concept that packs an L-shaped sofa, double bed, dinner table, four stools, total seating for 12, a home office workspace, wardrobe and storage in only a 43 square foot area. It is also highly configurable, so you can mess around with the layout on a whim. [Matroshika via Link]

The second and more extreme example of this idea comes in the form of the Casulo apartment in a box. As you can see in the video, the name pretty much says it all. [Project Page via Link ]

Small bathrooms are always a problem—even in some bigger homes. This handy little device transforms your toilet into a sink by using the tank water for hand washing then recycling it for flushing. So, it can be a space saver and an earth saver—if you can get past the inherent grossness, that is. Available for $89-$109. [Sink Positive via Link]

Remember those textbooks I talked about earlier? Maybe you wouldn't have to chuck them after all if you built yourself one of these now-famous stairwell bookcases. If your not much of a reader, you could always utilize it for movies and CDs. [Apartment Therapy via Link]

If you are planning a big dinner party or a holiday get-together, you may need a dining table that is a little bigger than what you might find in the Matroshika and Casulo concepts. This inflatable "Grace Table" designed by Philippe Malouin will give you the surface area you need for guests, but when all is said and done you can store it in a duffel bag. He also demonstrates a chair that doubles as a clothes hanger when not in use. So you can have a sturdy dining table and seating without taking nearly any space. [Philippe Malouin via Treehugger]

If furniture isn't your problem, but clutter is, you may want to invest in some of these Zero Gravity Hangers. Just clip on a remote, your car keys, pens, etc. and hang them from the ceiling. It will keep your tables clutter-free and help you keep tabs on stuff that you don't want to lose. Available for around $28. [Ledindon]

Speaking of clutter, if you tend to be a bit of a pack-rat, much of the junk you collect probably makes its way to the garage or attic. Installing one of these Heavy Lift Garage Elevators can get up to 250lbs stuff out of the way with a simple hand crank. Available for $180. [Skymall]

So, we have hit just about every room in the house, and now its time to take the party outdoors. This BloomFrame concept would actually increase your living space by converting a window into a balcony. Something like this would undoubtedly prove popular in high-rise urban apartment complexes—at least until your fat cousin steps out there, dislodges the window and sends you both plummeting to an untimely death. [Project Page via Link]

After you wake up promptly at 1 p.m., you will probably need to make the bed. Screw that. Selfy the Easy Bed can do it for you using a motorized rail system. You still have to push a button with it though, which is one step too many if you ask me. Might as well just leave it unmade.

The next thing that you will probably need to do is hit the bathroom. After all is said and done, the Neorest AH Tankless toilet will wash and dry your ass after use. Doesn't get much better than that my friends. Oh wait, yes it does: it also cleans itself and saves water in the process. That kind of laziness doesn't come cheap though. One of these beauties will set you back $4000. [Toto via Trendhunter]

By this time the dog is probably antsy to go out and play. If you had a homemade tennis ball cannon like the dude in this video, that would be no problem at all.

You may have noticed a little extra flab here and there, so it might be a good time to hit the gym or go for a run. Nah. Too lazy for that. I mean, why work for six pack abs when you can pay for them? For $4,000-$7,000 you can undergo abdominal etching surgery for that cut look. However, if you have a body like John Goodman, a six pack on a huge gut may not look right.

Yardwork on the weekends can be a real pain in the ass, especially if you have a big lawn. With Husqvarna's Autonomous Solar Powered Lawnmower, you won't ever have to mow again. Just program it to do your bidding and let it handle all of the hard work. It even cuts the grass short enough that you don't have to bother with bagging—and it charges itself when the work is done. Priced at around $4000 US. [Husqvarna]

While you are sitting on the porch watching the Husqvarna mow your yard, have a seat and take a load off. And don't worry about getting up. This chair can walk for you using a sophisticated mechanism under the seat. Unfortunately, I don't think many lazy folks could afford to drop around $23,000 on a chair. [Walking Things]

Alright, the chores are done and now it is time to eat dinner. Unfortunately, all of that microwaving has left you feeling a bit tired. If the thought of having to manually season your food is too much to bear, a set of these Movers&Shakers should do the trick. Just pull on the cord and they will dispense your condiments for you. Available for $9.95. [Baron Bob]

After dinner all you want to do is sit in front of the television and have a beer—but there is no way you will be getting up constantly to go to the fridge. If you were like John Cornwell, the man behind the Beer Launching Fridge, you would never have to. [John Cornwell]

It's been a long, hard day—but just before you head to bed for the evening you get a phone call from your girlfriend. "We never do anything anymore!" she exclaims. Looks like you are in for a long one. Fortunately, you don't have to take it standing up. With the Cubic Pillow you can lay down, zone out and still hear the phone crystal clear. Available for around $17. [Strapya]

So how many gadgets is that? 9? Damn. Eh, it's Friday—screw it. I'm taking a nap.