Here are a few choice excerpts from Regretsy (NSFW); just a taste, mind you, no substitute for a visit. Be careful, though, because the amazing site is not always safe for work. Looking over the entries makes me wish it were as fictitious as Kasper Hauser's brilliant—but mercifully fake—SkyMaul.

Regarding the lovely lady and her cheese-grater clock, Regretsy says: Oh sure, it's not perfect, but you try cleaning a cheese grater with a cigarette.

Regretsy says: Whenever I hear "Michael Jackson", I immediately think "baseball". Well technically, I think "Little League", but you know what I'm saying. [Link]

Regretsy says: Usually I just use the guest towels when we're out of toilet paper. [Link]

Regretsy says: You know what goats like? They like grass. They don't like having leopard outfits strapped to their sagging haunches like Kim Cattrall. [Link]

Regretsy says: Santo trompas de Falopio! Who wouldn't want to curl up with the stuffed reproductive organs of Mexico's most famous bisexual surrealist? [Link]

It goes without saying "Santo trompas de Falopio!" is my new favorite expression of surprise. Hit the site for way more where this came from. [Regretsy (NSFW)]

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We especially feel awful for the actors in this infomercial. That poor fat guy has to implicitly say that wiping himself is a struggle without a candy-colored plastic stick, and then justify it by saying that being a fat guy has certain advantages, which is only true in the winter. Although after having used a bidet, I can say that we might be in need of some new butt-wiping technology: Three-ply just can't compare to a Super Soaker up the butt. [via Boing Boing Gadgets]

The 1323-pound, $95,000 machine can produce around two rolls an hour from 1800 sheets of A4 paper—not particularly efficient or cost effective if you ask me. Still, I love the idea. With some fine tuning over the years, this could become a viable green option. [Mainichi via Crunchgear]

Consisting of little more than a toilet paper dispenser attached to a shovel, this all but destined for a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog design allows you to:

1. 1. Go outside
2. 2. Dig a hole
3. 3. Poop
4. 4. Wipe
5. 5. Bury
6. 6. Win

And no longer will dogs have all the fun when it comes to defecating on someone's lawn. However, the portable toilet paper caddy seen in the pic is, well, pretty worthless. Unless you're in the habit of wandering campsites distributing TP to those in need like some kind of potty medic. Then it works. [FDeco via Crib Candy]

I've got to assume that this thing was made for someone without use of their hands, such as a double amputee, as it certainly doesn't make the wiping process any more convenient. Furthermore, no germaphobe would accept the tradeoff of keeping clean hands for having a roll of feces-smattered toilet paper just sitting there behind their toilet. Why else would this thing exist? And really, the more I look at it the more I get confused about how exactly it functions. What about when you're actually going? Doesn't it get in the way?

Someone, please, step in and explain this to me. I'm having trouble here. [Make via Boing Boing Gadgets]

When you wave your hand under a sensor on the machine, a given amount of toilet paper is rolled out through what Kimberly-Clark is calling "controlled dispensing". Although K-C promise a 20% reduction in the amount of TP actually used, I'm going to go on a limb and say that there will be some for whom a second wave of the hand will be required. Sheet length is programmable— 16" (Short), 20" (Medium) and 24" (Good lord what hath ye wrought?)—but alas, it will not be up to the user to do the programming.

Who knew one of the benefits of a "properly installed" dispenser was "one-handed dispensing"? And I don't think they are talking about masturbation here, believe it or not. Turns out, one-handed dispensing is totally important for compliance with the Federal Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) too.

The good news is that, in the event that the batteries on the JRT* Electronic Coreless (yes, "coreless") run down, there's a manual override. "Users can also obtain bath tissue manually, by pushing and turning a knob on the front of the dispenser."

There's no mention of steel reinforcement or any other anti-vandalism measures, but the brushed-steel look is promising. If you happen to see one out in the wild, perform a quick durability test and get back to us, will you? In the meantime, happy dispensing!

One of the most amusing press releases I've read in a while:

Kimberly-Clark Professional Crosses Final Touchless Frontier With Introduction of First Electronic Bath Tissue Dispenser

Advanced Electronics Bring Hygienic, No-Touch Dispensing To Restroom Stall

ROSWELL, Ga. (July 9, 2007) - Kimberly-Clark Professional is about to go where no health and hygiene company has gone before - crossing the final touchless restroom frontier - with the introduction of the first electronic bath tissue dispenser.

While many public restrooms offer hygienic no-touch dispensing for sinks, hand towels and soap, bath tissue has not been included in this trend. Until now — with today's launch of the Kimberly-Clark Professional* JRT* Electronic Coreless bath tissue dispenser.

"The electronic revolution has entered the bathroom stall," said Richard Thorne, director of the washroom business, North America, for Kimberly-Clark Professional. "It's a major leap forward in restroom hygiene because it eliminates the need to touch the dispenser during use."

The new system automatically dispenses a pre-measured amount of toilet paper when users place their hands under the dispenser. The ground-breaking dispenser combines the unique benefits of advanced touchless electronics with high-capacity SCOTT® coreless bathroom tissue (which eliminates the hole and cardboard core in the center of the roll). The result: enhanced restroom hygiene, reduced consumption and hassle-free performance. Another plus is compliance with the Federal Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), when properly installed, because of the system's easy one-handed dispensing.

The JRT* Electronic Coreless bath tissue dispenser offers a variety of other benefits, including:

• A 20 percent reduction in the amount of bath tissue used, through controlled dispensing.

• 45 percent less packaging waste than standard cored Jumbo Roll Bath Tissue.

• A battery life of more than one year.

• Programmable sheet lengths to provide users with more options. These include short (16"), medium (20") and long (24") settings.

• Sensor placements that enable the dispenser to be installed on either side of the stall.

Users can also obtain bath tissue manually, by pushing and turning a knob on the front of the dispenser. In addition, the unit offers a stub roll feature that allows for manual feeding of the tissue. LED lights let maintenance workers know when paper and battery levels are low to reduce the risk of battery or product run out.

The JRT* Electronic Coreless bath tissue dispenser is the latest addition to the Kimberly-Clark Professional family of hygienic product solutions for the washroom. For more information on the JRT* Electronic Coreless bath tissue dispenser, visit http://www.kcprofessional.com.

What else the iPhone works with [Gizmodo]

Product Page [Giftmonger]

Product Page [Via Ubergizmo]

So how does this little iPod Speaker/Dock/TP Giver stack up? After exercising every function (wink wink) this baby can do, we can say it performs pretty damn well.

The iCarta TP dock comes pretty much already assembled. All you have to do is put two screws into your wall or cabinet, mount the unit, and assemble the toilet paper roll. It's a a ten-minute job at most, even for the most mechanically deficient. Once you're in, you're going to have to find an outlet in your bathroom to plug this into. This step may be more difficult for some, so scope out your bathroom layout before you buy one.

The instruction manual claims that the dock works with just about every iPod, including the iPod shuffle. What I found was that my 5G iPod Video worked just fine with it, but my 3G iPod kept locking up. Maybe it just couldn't take the smell.

Once you do get your iPod working, the unit has a power button, two volume buttons, and a selection button to choose between your iPod, iPod Shuffle, or line in. There's a blue LED that glows to indicate which input you're currently using. It's basic, but gets the job done. The speakers are all right, but nothing mind-blowing. It's about the sound quality of, say, a cheap Logitech iPod dock.

On to the toilet paper functionality. It's less stable than a traditional toilet paper holder, so if you're one of those who slams down on the roll, don't. You're going to rip the entire dock out of the wall, sending both it and your iPod flying into god-knows-where. Nobody wants to dig an iPod out of the toilet after they've "finished". But if you're just grabbing a couple of sheets out normally, the roller performs fine.

Its $99 price tag may be a bit much for just something you use a couple of times a day. But if you're like me and always wanted to listen to music in the shower, while brushing your teeth, or dropping the kids off at the pool, then it's a useful gadget. When you're not actively listening to music, it also keeps your iPod charged.

Oh, and by the way, I wrote the bulk of this review sitting on the toilet listening to the iCarta. Any readers have any recommended songs for toilet time? Comment, or send us an email to tips. – Jason Chen

Product Page [via boingboing]

Product Page [Via Red Ferret]

Kimberly Clark's Cottonelle for Kids has paw prints on four sheets and then an adorable puppy on the fifth, so children can follow the tracks to the dog and tear off the right amount of toilet paper. So cute you'd almost feel bad about using it to clean up poop.

Training Toilet Paper [Strange New Products]

Elegant, sophisticated, rebellious, alternative and eternally fashionable, black has become virtually synonymous with chic and style. But while this colour is often present in avant-garde creative work, no one has ever dared to use it for toilet paper until now. Black in the loo, how chic and sophisticated can you get?

Hey Renova, when I want to be chic and elegant while in the loo, I will probably wear a dress, not use black TP.