I imagine that being a cordless-phone designer is pretty similar to playing for the Atlanta Hawks, minus the big money, groupies, and VIP strip-club privileges. I mean, you're technically in the gadgets game, which is nirvana for a geek—certainly beats working a Store 24 cash register. But you've also got to realize that you're rarely going to get props from consumers, let alone the media. That's because, let's face it, cordless phones have pretty much topped out in terms of technological sophistication—just as the Hawks seem to perennially top out at, oh, a dozen or so games under .500.

The difference between the Hawks and the cordless-phone industry? The Hawks can be—and probably should be—avoided. But millions of Americans, including your humble narrator, still have landlines in this otherwise Unstrung Era. And having a landline means basically means having a cordless phone.

But which phone to choose if you're a low-ender loath to spend over $50? Specs aren't much of an issue here—those 5.8 GHz phones aren't demonstrably better than the 2.4 GHz models, and caller ID is ubiquitous even on the most ludicrously cheap Unidens. So it's best to go for the aesthetic frills. After the jump, a rundown of four gimmicky cordless phones I'm considering, and an appeal for your advice. PLUS: Best Chinese manufacturer names!

Motorola MA357 (pictured above)
Pros In a word, camouflage. I can imagine few better ways to demonstrate one's inherent machismo than with a hunting-ready cordless phone. On top of that, it offers a veritable Wild Kingdom of ringtones: bear, duck, elk, "couger" [sic], coyote, loon, and a few others. Includes belt clip.
Cons I wonder if camo is sort of impractical for a handset. Seems like it would easily get lost amid the piles of clothes and whatnot that litter my cramped apartment. Also, the base station's girth seems excessive.
Bottom Line The front-runner, though a little pricey at around $40. (Remember, I'm cheap as all get-out.)

Spectra KT2015 (a.k.a. the Hello Kitty Phone
Pros Will make my wife happy. The most innovative design in this price range—I dig the curves. 40-number speed dial, which is a lot for $40. Handset will stand out amid piles of junk. Affordable relative to other notable Hello Kitty products.
Cons Pink. Potentially emasculating.
Bottom Line Highly unlikely for my household, though I appreciate the designers' efforts—the Josh Smiths of their industry, so to speak. Wish the Tony Stewart NASCAR phone was cheap enough for consideration.

GE Cordless Bedroom Phone
Pros Transformers-like multifunctionality. Unobtrusive design. Programmable snooze, which is a feature I've been yearning for on my antiquated Sony Dream Machine.
Cons Do I really, truly need another low-end clock radio? Does anyone? Also, the handset is a throwback to the pre-mobile era—very rigid lines, not the elegant curves of today's more Razr-inspired numbers.
Bottom Line Another valiant attempt to make the cordless phone halfway interesting, but not sure an AM/FM radio really does it for me.

Uniden Submersible Cordless Phone
Pros Ostensibly waterproof, though I'm sure that "water-resistant" would be the more accurate description. Handset is yellow, the international color for ruggedized gadgets. Handset is also described as "floating," which can only be a good thing. Oh, and "Rubber Side Grips"? Yes, please!
Cons Ugh, an antiquated model operating at 900 MHz, which means you can expect lots of interference issues. Weird upright base station that'll probably tip over if placed on the floor instead of screwed into the wall. A low-end Uniden, a brand not known for its reliability (in my personal experience, at least).
Bottom Line I'd be enchanted if this were a 2.4 GHz phone, and the price was 10 bucks less. But if ifs and buts were candy and nuts...

As you can tell, I'm definitely leaning toward buying myself the Motorola camo phone. But I'm going to put my telephonic fate in your hands, comrades—am I making a mistake by bringing ursine ringtones into my life? Am I letting machismo cloud my judgment of the Hello Kitty phone's technological charms? Please, I beg of you—shower upon me your bountiful wisdom.

BRILLIANT SUCCESS: Engrish has always been a topic of great fascination 'round these parts. So, too, should its entertaining corollary—the hyper-optimism of Chinese corporate names.

I'm compiling a list of the sunniest-sounding Guangdong firms, inspired in part by a recent spam I received from one Ms. Dong Happy (who, unfortunately, is employed by the comparatively bland-sounding Qingdao Univer Import & Export Co., Ltd.). So far, my best catch is Brilliant Success Electronics Technology, based in the delightful gadgets mecca of Shenzhen. Anyone got something even more positive? Please share with the group in comments. The sunnier, the better—having an awful week over here, what with a slow leak causing my century-old hardwood floors to buckle, and my corner bodega no longer stocking Sapporo tall boys. Definitely could use the psychological boost of, say, a Wonderful Amazing Happy Smile Electronics Co, Ltd.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Uniden Enters GPS Market [NaviGadget]

The WX works when you're in the bath, in the shower, in the pool, or even when you're dunking your head in the sink to train holding your breath, David Blaine style. But really, do you need to take your conversations into the shower with you? Are you that dirty or is the person you're talking to that important that you can't hold off for a few minutes while you do one or the other? – Jason Chen

Product Page [Uniden via Textually via Uber Phones]

You may find yourself curiously drawn to this Uniden UDC-7M digital camera, with its 7.1 megapixel CCD and 3x optical zoom. There's no optical viewfinder on the back, but with that 2.4-inch LCD display back there, you may not even want one, anyway. What do you expect for $212?

One thing it does include is "face reorganization technology." That's nothing new—I knew a tough kid in grade school who specialized in face reorganization. For sale direct from Uniden in Japan, it's available now. – Charlie White

Uniden UDC-7M [Far East Gizmos]

To Serve and Protect

As a somewhat spoiled only child, I got a lot of sweet Christmas gifts in my day: a VIC-20, the first Stetsasonic album, Soundwave. But the topper was the handheld police scanner that my dad scooped up at Radio Shack in the late 1980s. Paid for on a layaway plan (a fact which pops still brings up to this day), that beloved scanner afforded me many, many joyful hours of eavesdropping on cellphone convos, trucker banter and, most importantly, police chatter.

I guess that's when I started thinking about becoming a cop—oh, how I yearned to run around the streets of pre-Ramparts Los Angeles, chunky utility belt strapped around my waist à la Batman. It was a dream deferred, then denied as I chose a life of the mind over a life of wanton Taserings.

But a Geekish-American can still fantasize, yes? And then flesh out the fantasy with some low-end gadgets that can turn any civilian into a poseur policeman. After the jump, three techie toys that'll help you play make believe, yet cost less (combined!) than my favorite Xmas gift from the days of yore. PLUS: The low-end champ of one-gig drives?

You gotta trick out your car cop-style to start, and that means investing in this nifty four-in-one, $29.99 siren combo. The hype sheet language really says it all: "Don't settle for one boring blast when you can have 4 loud at your fingertips." I guess the stumbling block here is that your local PD may have cars that feature a different "police wailer" sound, and so you might seem out of place. When in doubt, simply activate the "euro ambulance siren"; that should confuse everyone sufficiently to make them pull over to the shoulder, wondering how and when they ended up in Zagreb while en route to the local 7-11.

Low End Theory does not advocate the use of firearms, primarily because they're too darn expensive for cheap folks like us. But what would a cop be without some means of subduing the bad guys? Stun guns are the affordable means of doing so, and cheap models are legion at any store run by a real-world version of one-armed Herman from The Simpsons. But the geek in me just can't resist spending a few extra quid on the Palco Cellphone Stun Gun, which looks like a Motorola handset circa 1991. Hunting-and-fishing megastore has it on sale for $69.99, but if you poke around you should be able to locate a unit for closer to $50. Again, the hype sheet lingo is evocative enough to deserve a full quotation: "This causes an attacker to drop while the brain tries to remember how to move the arms and legs." Perhaps the attacker is merely trying to process why you, his tormenter, hasn't yet upgraded to one of Verizon's cheap Razrs.

The toughest get of this trio was a police scanner; used ones abound on eBay, largely via PD surplus sales, but new units are still mighty expensive—a lot pricier than CB radios, for sure. The solution is to do an end-run around the market and opt for one of Uniden's scanners designed for the NASCAR set, specifically the BC72XLT-1RHS. It's designed to let race fans eavesdrop on the back-and-forth between pit and driver, but if you search around you can doubtless find some cop chatter, too. (At least that's what promised on the hype sheet; anyone know if they're stretching the truth here?) The nicest feature here is Uniden's trademarked Close Call, which automatically latches onto nearby radio signals should you so desire. So if there's a crime scene located down your block, this might be the best way of finding out what's going on. (Note: I've found that asking a cop, "Hey, what happened?" tends not to work; the stock response is, "Sir, move away from the yellow tape.")

With a little diligence, you can scoop up all three of the aforementioned items for around $130 to $170—far less than the $228.79 that my dad ended up paying for my scanner when all was said and done. (Yes, he quotes that exact figure.) The caveat—and you knew this was coming—is that your local PD may not appreciate your aspirations to copdom. In fact, should you spend a day roaming around your town with siren wailing, zapping random passerby who seem to be committing misdemeanors, I can pretty much guarantee that you'll end up in jail. If/when that happens, please e-mail with the subject heading "I've Been Arrested". While I'm far too broke to provide bail money, I might be able to show up at your trial as a character witness.

LOWER THAN LOW: In last week's column, I marveled over a $31 one-gig flash drive that's being hawked more-or-less factory direct by a Shenzhen manufacturer. I guess I'm not really too up on low-end USB drive pricing, though, as a couple of readers pointed out drives that were closer to the $20 mark. The best seems to be this RiDATA unit, available on Newegg.com for $22.89. As we move ever closer to the ultimate low-end dream: one gig for one dollar. (Thanks, Gyg)

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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With a broadband internet connection, Live Messenger 8.0 and Windows XP, you can go from chatting it up with your girls on your dime to chatting it up on Microsoft's. Sign up today to be notified when it's released. Or don't. It's really up to you.

WIN1200 Windows Live Messenger Phone [Uniden]

Breaker-Breaker, Got Me a Deal

Okay, look—I know I promised in last week's column that I'd be talking about cheapo headphones on this go-around. But something came up, and I find myself whiling away mid-March on the outskirts of Carlisle, Penn. I'm actually staying at a HoJo about 300 yards from big-rig weigh station, so the low-end electronics pickings are pretty slim—there's an Arby's and a "Mature Fantasy" store within spitting distance, but no Radio Shack. That means the headphones riff is gonna have to wait until I make my way back home.

The upside is that, surrounded as I am by the gruff spiritual kinfolk of BJ (of BJ and the Bear fame), I've fallen in love once again with a category of gadgets too often ignored: CB radios. Lemme tell you, when I was about yeah high to a grasshopper, I wanted a CB set more than any Transformer or Go-Bot you can think of. My friend Jake's dad had one in his Caddy, and I spent many a sleepless night wishing that he was my dad, too—despite the fact that he smelled like three-day-old Arthur Treachers. Back before cellphones, CB radios were the way to go person-to-person wireless, and to break out some pretty crusty slang, too—gotta love a subculture that coined the phrase "duck plucker" as an obscenity.

Imagine my overwhelming joy, then, upon discovering that CB radios have now descended into low-end territory. After the jump, some tasty sub-$40 (okay, sub-$43) deals on sets that'll help you get your Lincoln Hawk on.

Let's start with the ubiquitous Midland 1001Z, from a brand which I gather is sorta the Coby or jWin of the CB realm. That said, many of the specs on this bad-boy actually seem right in line with units costing twice as much—I mean, hey, with 40 channels, a 4-watt transmitter, and the all-important squelch control, what more could you want? Seems like a serious bargain at $30.99, though I'm open to hearing critiques from readers more knowledgeable than I about the workings of CB radios. If there's a good reason to spend significantly more, if your only intention is to talk smack with some long-hauler coming off a meth binge, I'm open to what you've got to say.

The Midland brand, though widely available, probably isn't too familiar to those of us unaccustomed to the low-end gadgetry of the trucking set. If you'd rather go with a more celebrated manufacturer, try the Pro510XL from Uniden. That's right, the same company that brought us the glory that is RocketDial is also a player in the CB game. The specs seem to be more-or-less identical to those of the Midland unit; the major difference is the hype-sheet chatter about the Uniden model being a "sophisticated, Euro-styled" option. Um, okay. Can somebody please tell me what a Euro-styled radio is, and how the Pro510XL fits into that definition? True, I'm an uncouth Yank, but this CB looks like the standard black box that generations of my countrymen have known and loved.

Gotta wrap up the CB parade with yet another gem, the Cobra 19 DX IV. The appeal here&madsh;and a reason to pay an extra Hamilton or so more than for the Midland—is the brighter LCD display, RF gain, and (per the hype sheet) "sculpted design and muted graphics." Can't vouch for that last bit, but I do have a natural affinity for ferocious corporate mascots, so score one for the Cobra brand.

You can't really get CBing on the highway until you have a solid antenna, of course, though serviceable models can be had for under $30. You'll also need full command of the slang, which can be gleaned from a thorough investigation of this indispensable site. Wow, had no idea there were so many trucker euphemisms for "prostitute," including "concrete blonde." Hey, I get it now, guys, thanks; very clever, though I still think your music is abysmal.

Okay, gotta get back to twiddling my thumbs at the Carlisle HoJo; back next week with the promised headphones column. In the meantime, if anyone can shed some light on why you can't buy beer in gas stations in Cumberland County, Penn., I'd be much obliged. Is this a Pennsylvania-wide law? If so, has anyone ever considered the fact that noted beer lover and Pennsylvanian Benjamin Franklin must surely be spinning in his grave? Please advise, thank you.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both The New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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Words' Worth

There's a fantastic scene in the criminally underrated John Carpenter flick They Live, in which the character played by "Rowdy" Roddy Piper first dons the Ray-Bans that enable him to see Earth's alien invaders. The aliens looks just like you and me sans sunglasses, but like horrible freaks when the truth is revealed. Peering at an alien disguised as a woman of a certain age, Piper laughs as she applies a spot of makeup to her face. "That's like putting perfume on a pig," he mutters in disgust.

So, too, is gussying up junky low-end products with phrases that hint at space-age technology. You know what I'm talking about—gadgets you picked up for $4.99 at the local t-shirts-plus-the-kitchen-sink store, and which promise such laughably hyperbolic specs as Coby's "Digital Bass Boost System." Obviously, they want to make it sound as if your portable CD player's assembly was overseen by a team of labcoated engineers, rather than a factory owner with mustard stains all over his too-tight Arrow shirt.

After the jump, some of Low End Theory's favorite spec-sheet come-ons. PLUS: Last-minute gift ideas for the broke and miserly!

Up until now, this column has been woefully bereft of cordless phone coverage. That ends here, joyfully, with a shout-out to Uniden and its "RocketDial" feature. I first noticed RocketDial while perusing the locked glass cases at Gem Gem Gem, my beloved 125th Street value supercenter. They've got so many cheap electronics back there by the registers, I could just go in there with my digicam every week, snap a few photos, and be done with this column. If, that is, the Gem Gem Gem manager didn't look like the sort of dude prone to kicking shutterbug ass.

RocketDial sounds pretty fantastic—like something that enables you to call 50 people at once. But the reality's pretty disappointing; all RocketDial does is let you program in one (yes, one) number for one-touch dialing. Sort of like the lonely man's speed dial. But kudos to Uniden for creating the nifty logo, a Flash Gordon-style rocket blasting off into the cosmos, as well as for wisely trademarking the RocketDial name.

Low-end audio products seem to be a particularly hot market for spec-sheet euphemisms—the industry has about 1,001 ways of saying, "Yes, our bass is terrible, but we're gonna try and trick you into thinking otherwise." My personal favorite is the plethora of products boasting about "Turbo Bass" technology (sometimes oddly hyphenated as "Turbo-Bass"), which as far as I can tell means nothing. (Though I'd be interested in hearing otherwise from qualified audiophiles; drop a line.) Take, for example, the HS-410 earbud headphones from Philips. Obviously, no one shelling out under $10 for headphones expects much beyond mere audio transmission. But, hey, you get Turbo Bass with these puppies—and a Radio Shack-quality "24k gold-plated plug" to boot. Melt it down and make a profit.

The ultimate perennial in all things low-end, though, is using an extra "x" somewhere—I reckon to imply extreme technological progress. This is a phenomenon in the "normal" gadget realm, too, as with MaxxBass. But you see it a lot in the Gem Gem Gems of the world, too, in Panasonic cassette players featuring XBS (the Extra Bass System). Do a Froogle search for "Maxx" and you'll come up with dozens more, like the $20, 25-in-1 VS-Maxx video game system with "deluxe controller." Just, um, be careful about Froogling "Maxx" in the workplace; it's also a very popular screen name for porn stars.

When I encounter spec-sheet euphemisms like these, I always wonder who comes up with 'em. Do the Cobys and jWins of the world have frustrated English majors on staff to handle all their package-copy needs? Do we really have a Pavlovian response to the letter X, judging it to be somehow indicative of superior tech? And, of course, what great phrases did I miss during my cursory research? Answers to any of these questions should be dropped here forthwith.

THE JOY OF GIVING: All right, just a few days left for y'all to pick up something nice for your beloved(s). Two weeks ago, after I covered some low-end ideas for the holidays, I spurred a few readers to offer ideas of their own. One of the best was the Rocket Robot Kit from OWI, a steal at $24.95 (especially with "no soldering required").

Oh, $24.95 still sounds steep to make the robot-lover in your life a wee bit happier? Then simply set aside $9.99 for Sector7 Mighty Mike, which (per hype sheet) "walks, dances, and slides." It also shoots foam discs; alas, these are not included. But if it can shoot foam discs, perhaps it can shoot pennies, too. Just don't blame Low End Theory when members of your family end up with ugly, Lincoln-embossed welts on their bodies.

Brendan I. Koerner is a contributing editor at Wired and a columnist for both the New York Times and Slate. His Low End Theory column appears every Thursday on Gizmodo.

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When was the last time you saw a trucker pulled over for speeding?

The question never occurred to me until the summer of 2003, as I was preparing for the Gumball Rally, one of the spiritual descendants of the infamous Cannonball Run. I needed to know how truckers cruised at 85 miles-per-hour day after day, without police interference. Truckers, after all, can ill afford to be pulled over and ticketed—the fines are killers, plus their deliveries will be late. And late deliveries are the trucking industry's biggest no-no.

I'd always assumed that truckers tipped each other off about speed traps via CB radio. But their secret weapon is the humble radio scanner.

After the jump: How to pick a scanner...

How does a radio scanner differ from a traditional radio? Whereas a generic radio receives only AM and FM, a radio scanner detects virtually everything else that's broadcast—CB radio, air traffic control instructions, cellphones, and, yes, chatter among cops. Eavesdropping on the police would become a mandatory aspect of my Gumball strategy.

Radio enthusiasts and ham operators have been using scanners since the 1950s, though portable units didn't debut until about two decades later. By the 1980s, a couple hundred bucks scored you a handheld scanner from the likes of Radio Shack, and a generation of geeks grew up eavesdropping on frequencies unheard by the masses.

The spectrum for scanner use runs from innocent fun (listening in on NASCAR pit crews and airplane cockpit chatter) to the lurid (emergency dispatchers) to potentially illegal (police and highway patrol conversations). Laws vary from state to state, but the general rule of thumb is you can listen in as long as you're not using the information to commit a crime.

Three Gumball Rallies, three Bullruns, 18,000 miles, five speeding tickets, and two hours in jail later, I've learned that a scanner's effectiveness is dependent on three things:

• Transmission Type Any scanner can pick up analog transmissions, but many police and governmental organizations have deployed digital systems over the last decade. Digital decoding is a mandatory (and expensive) option for serious scanning. Analog scanners are available for under $100 through Radio Shack, but digital units, available through specialists, run $450 or more.
• Antenna Detection range and clarity are largely proportional to antenna size—a single long-whip antenna on a truck is usually for the CB, but a second one is a sure sign of a serious scanner user. If you see a flexible whip antenna on a sports car, get out of the way.
• Frequency Programming Most scanners are preprogrammed with the most common frequencies (weather, public safety, aircraft), but serious listeners must program additional frequencies manually. The more programmable frequencies, the better. Cross-country racing requires at least 2000 frequencies, which means tedious research.

  So, with all that in mind, what's the world's best scanner? For serious drivers, Uniden is the only choice. Uniden makes two especially admirable models, each with unique pros and cons.

  Uniden BCT-8 This $200 dashtop unit is probably the single most important consumer electronic device for professional drivers. The BCT-8 is the only scanner with a dedicated "Highway Patrol" feature—a red light and alarm go off any time Highway Patrol units transmit within three miles. Although any scanner can pick up these frequencies, the BCT-8 separates them out by state—essential for avoiding false alarms. While the BCT-8 lacks many features found on high-end scanners (there are less than 250 programmable frequencies, and limited digital decoding), anyone looking to buy a scanner for (ahem) "informational use" while driving need look no further.

  Uniden BC796D This $550 dashtop unit is the absolute opposite of the BCT-8. The 796D contains 1000 programmable frequencies but lacks the BCT-8's Highway Patrol function. The 796D is for serious users uninterested in preprogrammed police frequencies—users who will spend weeks researching police frequencies online, enter them into an Excel spreadsheet, then download them into their 796D via third-party software, another tedious process essential for cross-country racing. This unit can eavesdrop on virtually anything, but the ergonomics, especially in a moving vehicle, are among the worst of any consumer electronics I've ever used.

  Buying a scanner is easy, but installing one in a location that is both accessible and aesthetically pleasing is virtually impossible. The BCT-8 and BC796D will certainly take up some dashtop real estate, but at least they're removable thanks to our friend Velcro. Mounting either overhead (or anywhere else) will require a screwdriver and the willingness to cut holes in your car or truck interior. The BC796D is now available with a small remote display head, a $300-plus kit that allows scanner placement in the trunk.

  An external antenna is mandatory. Casual users will be satisfied with a window-glass mount aerial for under $30. But truckers (and Cannonballers) know better—the bigger the better. Which means a professional mount attached to the roof, truck or rear bumper, along with a flexible aerial that's 4'-8' long.

  Unfortunately, a dashtop scanner and large antenna are huge red flags if pulled over by police, which is why some drivers opt for a good handheld that can be stowed under the seat. The $600 Uniden BC396T duplicates most of the features of the pricer models, adding 5000 more programmable frequencies. Unfortunately, a smaller antenna means less range, and the small screen is hard to read in a moving car.

  Any of these scanners is but one leg in the triad of professional driving. Next in the World's Greatest series: CB Radios.

  Alexander Roy is an automotive/travel executive and holder of several international racing records which must remain secret. Roy is the only 6-time trophy winner in Extreme Rallysport, winning both the Gumball 3000 and Bullrun in his fake German Polizei BMW M5. Team Polizei has a flawless safety record over 18,000 miles in the US, Europe & Africa. Roy is also producer of "32 Hours, 7 Minutes", a documentary about the world record-setting race from New York to Los Angeles.