UPDATE: Looks like there was a late entry to our list of current top spokesassholes: Miss Julia Allison has just signed a yearlong deal to peddle Sony's wares. About time that her attention-whoring went global! [Sony Insider via Gawker]

Thanks, Rob B. for the inspiration!

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Back and Worse Than Ever

Some of us were near tears when T-Mobile decided to drop Zeta-Jones as their official spokesasshole, but the good news is that she's back. The bad news is that as soon as we heard her nerve-grinding accent, we remembered that those were tears of joy.

Sir Richard Branson, Kind-Hearted Snob

It was difficult to deem Sir Richard Branson as a spokesasshole. He is such a nice man and only wants innovative technology to reach those from "all walks of life"—assuming that they make $40 million annually, of course.

Laptop Hunters Lauren, Giampaolo and Lisa

Lisa, Lauren, and Giampaolo are the biggest spokesassholes in the Laptop Hunters commercials. Lisa shatters eardrums with her exclamation of "WhaaaaAAAAaat?!?!", Lauren followed the ads up with claims that they were unscripted, and Giampaolo is just plain smarmy.

Acer Timeline's Metrosexual Model

It isn't the first time Acer has made questionable advertising decisions, but did they really have to hire Giampaolo's brother to model for the Acer Timeline?

Maybe one day he'll button up the shirt and put on some sunglasses that don't look like they're his girlfriend's. I hope he didn't quit his day job (waiter? male prostitute?) when he landed this gig, because it won't last long.

Verizon Probably Only Merged With Alltel To Get Rid of Chad

Verizon and Alltel may have merged, but we've still seen Chad's picture looming around Alltel's website. With his spiky blonde hair, laid back walk, and inability to take a hint, he's a true menagerie of what this gallery represents.

Wes Moss? Why, Microsoft? Why?

Zune Spokesasshole Wes Moss nearly broke our douche point scale. If you can stand watching this Zune spot, after those Laptop Hunter ads, you'll see why.

Jimmy Iovine and Dr. Dre's Monster Mess

Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine are two ridiculously wealthy guys who decide, in their spare time, to become even more wealthy by peddling some overpriced headphones. Even if you ignore the fact that they're distributed by Monster, and even if you admit that the headphones aren't that bad—there's no way the duo can't escape the spokesasshole brand.

Photo by jakeludington

Hi, I'm Justin Long, Spokesasshole Extraordinaire

It's not much of a secret that some of us here are Apple fans, but not even that stopped us from pronouncing Apple's "I'm a Mac" guy and his smug attitude and thinly veiled disdain for PC as spokesasshole material.

Tamara Hope in the Return of the Stoner Commercials

The Palm Pre commercials started off terribly and only got worse until we stepped in with a remix. Though since it seems that Palm was really giving a nod to Ellen Feiss of Mac Switcher fame with these creepy "What is she on and where can I get some?" commercials, we'll only rate actress Tamara Hope as half a spokesasshole.

Michael "AWESOME" Bay and Verizon FiOS

We can forgive Michael Bay for not sharing video footage of Megan Fox washing his car, since he at least had her show a bit of skin in Transformers 2. What we can't forgive him for his display of spokesassholery in this pitch for Verizon FiOS. By the fifth "AWESOME!" things turn from funny to "Please walk into the next exploding building, Michael."

Ashton Kutcher, Nikon's Smooth Operator

You've got to hand it to Kutcher. The man with a million Twitter sheep has risen from underwear model to annoying spokesasshole and GI Jane toy-boy. Though we can't help but see Kelso every time he's fumbling around on screen.

Verizon Broadband Better Than Ever With Free Wi-Fi

Millions of High Speed Internet and FiOS Users Now Provided Access to Thousands of On-The-Go, Wi-Fi Hotspots Across the U.S.

NEW YORK – Verizon continues to enhance its broadband service capabilities for consumers to offer competitive advantages over rival communication providers.

Since the beginning of the year, Verizon has introduced faster downstream and unprecedented upstream speeds for its all-fiber-optic FiOS Internet service; expanded the reach of its digital subscriber line-based Verizon High Speed Internet (HSI) service; and started offering mini netbook computers to customers as part of select bundle promotions.

And starting today, the company will expand Internet connection capabilities for millions of Verizon broadband customers by providing them free access to thousands of Wi-Fi connections across the U.S., reflecting the company's sharp focus on developing and deploying broadband and entertainment services.
"Wherever they go – across town or across the country — Internet users today want the freedom and flexibility of staying connected online whenever they want," said Mike Ritter, Chief Marketing Officer for Verizon Telecom. "In addition to providing in-home broadband networks and the nation's most reliable 3G wireless network, we're now offering even more connections with fast, free Wi-Fi that customers can use in their local communities and when traveling across the country."

New Verizon FiOS Internet customers who order an up-to- 25/15 Mbps* (megabits per second) or faster connection or new HSI customers who order an up-to- 3 Mbps/768 Kbps* (kilobits per second) or up-to- 7.1 Mbps/768 Kbps* connection can connect to the new Verizon Wi-Fi hotspots, at no additional charge as part of their broadband service.

The new WiFi service is also available free of charge for existing FiOS Internet customers with up-to-20 Mbps or faster packages and existing HSI customers who have either an up-to-3 Mbps or up-to- 7.1 Mbps package.

Free Verizon Wi-Fi hotspot locations include hotels, airports, restaurants, coffee shops, retailers, convention centers and public locations across the U.S. For a list of hotspot locations, visit www.verizon.net/hotspots.

"Our new free Wi-Fi connections are an ideal complement to our current netbook promotion that really enhances the value and functionality of the netbook," said Ritter. "We're making it more enticing for customers to want to use Verizon broadband services by giving them the mobility tools they need to stay connected more often and in more places."

It's actually more useful than just painstakingly banging out 140 characters on your remote—which you can't do, incidentally, since 1.0 of the app is "read only"—using the metadata from the guide, the Twitter app will show you tweets about whatever you're watching. That's right, see people hate on A-Rod in real time while you watch the Yankees game. It uses search, rather than hashtags, to power the feed. You can also check out the standard trending topics, though you can't see what your friends up are up to—it's just the community-oriented stuff for now, so it's Twitter as pulse checker, rather than Twitter (that's coming later). Reinforcing that is the fact that the channel you're watching never goes away—it's a vertical ticker setup, essentially.

Facebook is also consume-only in this version, with the exception of being able to update your status with what you're watching. You can scope out your friends' status updates, photos and that kind of thing. The major drawback is that it only supports one profile per FiOS box, though multiple profile support's coming.

The local and streaming and internet video stuff I saw a year ago is hitting later this month, with the exception of YouTube—you'll get DailyMotion, Veoh and blip.tv. Don't hold your breath for Hulu or Netflix though, since Verizon's got their own on demand stuff they want you to watch (and they think internet video is crappier video quality). Where they see themselves, essentially, is bringing internet stuff to TV for people who don't want to go out and buy an Apple TV or Roku box. No word about that Slingbox streaming feature, though.

While Twitter and Facebook are among the first handful of widgets for the Widget Bazaar, growth won't be explosive—six months into the program, expect only around 40 widgets, since Verizon's not planning for a "wide open" development community. The other major update is under the hood—an architectural change that will let them update widgets and content constantly, whereas before, they were stuck pushing updates only a few times a year. (It actually sounds pretty similar to the New Xbox Experience, in that a lot of the stuff will be in the cloud and sent on demand, not sitting on your box.) A brand new use interface is coming over the next year as well, but it'll be rolled out gradually.

So perhaps not so coincidentally, Verizon's FiOS should be getting a lot more interesting around the same time cable's offerings will be. [Verizon]

That content streaming feature, confirmed by senior VP Eric Rabe, is definitely in the works, pending the resolution of some agreements (we imagine they'll have many tiresome meetings with the networks before that gets ironed out). In addition, they'll be adding support so the FiOS box can stream video content from networked PCs (and Macs)—at the moment, only audio and photos are supported, so this'll be a nice change.

Not so interesting is the distressing news that Verizon has apparently discovered social networking. That means Facebook and Twitter support in the form of widgets, because lord knows that's what we all need. The Twitter widget could be used to discuss programs as they air, in case you don't have a laptop or friends.

An interesting tidbit: Looks like Verizon has, right now, the capability to bring us 100Mbps internet, but they've made the decision not to offer it at the moment. Their reasoning is that their highest speed plans are already not particularly popular, and, oddly, that there's "no practical use" for such blazing speed.

And finally, it looks like they'll be making the guide widescreen and HD instead of the positively archaic full-screen guide they use now. HD for all! [Gear Live]

The box would eventually cost you $120 over the year of service, so it's a pretty sizable deal, but there's a caveat, as always. Don't mention that you know it's procedure, don't mention that it's a promotion, hell, don't even mention that you were reading Gizmodo. Just casually say that the monthly pricing is too much for you, and you'll be "immediately offered the free box." And hey, uh, if anybody asks, you didn't get this from me. Capiche? [Thanks, Anonymous!]

AT&T U-VERSE INTRODUCES TOTAL HOME DVR, TAKING

‘WHEN YOU WANT, WHERE YOU WANT’ TV VIEWING

TO WHOLE NEW LEVEL

Latest U-verse TV Enhancement — Made Possible by IP Technology — Enables DVR Playback on Any TV Throughout the Home

DALLAS, Sept. 9, 2008 — DVRs have given customers the flexibility to watch TV programs on their schedules, but limited where the programs can be watched by restricting recorded content to certain TV sets and rooms in the home. Now that’s about to change for AT&T U-verseSM TV customers. Using the power of AT&T’s Internet Protocol (IP) network, families no longer have to plan how or where they watch and record their favorite shows.

AT&T Inc. (NYSE:T) today announced the launch of AT&T U-verse Total Home DVR, giving U-verse TV customers the freedom to play back Standard Definition (SD) and High Definition (HD) recorded programs on any connected TV in the home.

U-verse Total Home DVR is now being introduced to customers in the Bay Area at no additional charge and is planned for deployment to all U-verse TV customers by the end of 2008.

“AT&T U-verse is about providing the latest in entertainment and technology for a better TV experience,” said Jeff Weber, AT&T vice president of video products. “With our 100 percent IP network, we are able to constantly evolve features and services to match the needs of viewers. Total Home DVR is the latest addition to our portfolio of unmatched features that give U-verse customers more control, on any TV, at a great price.”

AT&T U-verse Total Home DVR customers can:

• Watch HD and SD DVR recordings on other connected TVs in the home. In addition to your DVR, you can access, play, pause, rewind and fast forward any recorded SD or HD program on up to seven additional U-verse-connected TVs. All U-verse DVRs and receivers are HD-capable.
• Pause a recorded show and pick up where you left off in another room.
• Play back multiple, independent viewings of the same recorded show on different TVs.
• Play back up to four recorded shows at once. Up to three can be HD recorded programs.
• Watch up to five HD programs simultaneously throughout the home, including two live HD programs and three recorded HD programs.
• Record more of the show you want to see with soft padding, which automatically adds 1 minute to the beginning and 2 minutes to the end of each pre-scheduled recording.
• Organize recorded content by series. Series recordings will be grouped as a single heading in the recorded TV menu, making it easier for customers to manage and select their recorded programs.
• Store up to 37 hours of HD content or up to 133 hours of SD content, which is more storage than most cable providers’ DVRs.
• Record up to four programs at once on a single DVR — another feature that is exclusive to AT&T U-verse TV.
• Set the DVR while on the go from your PC or wireless phone. With AT&T Yahoo!® Web and Mobile Remote Access to DVR, you can schedule recordings from any Web-connected PC or compatible mobile phone (wireless service charges apply) by using your AT&T High Speed Internet account.

“While some other providers may claim to offer some form of whole home DVR, AT&T U-verse Total Home DVR is the only one that truly lets you play back recorded programs from a single DVR on any connected TV in the house,” Weber said.

Using IP technology, Total Home DVR capabilities will be seamlessly provided to existing customers’ DVRs without the need to swap their current equipment. The U-verse network architecture and IPTV service allow Total Home DVR functionality to be enabled by a software update, without any action or hassle for existing customers. The updates occur on a market-by-market basis, and existing AT&T U-verse customers in a market will gain the new functionality as their home equipment receives the update.

Total Home DVR is the latest addition to the constantly evolving suite of features that has been introduced to all U-verse TV customers at no extra charge since the AT&T U-verse launch in June 2006. These include:

• Mobile Remote Access to DVR, which lets you schedule and manage DVR recordings from any compatible mobile phone.
• AT&T U-bar, which brings customizable weather, stock, sports and traffic information to the U-verse TV screen, without interrupting the current program.
• AT&T Online Photos from Flickr, which allows you to simply and conveniently browse the photos you've uploaded to flickr.com and watch slide shows on your U-verse TV screen from the comfort of your couch.
• Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football, which allows you to track the progress of your fantasy team — including current team matchups and league standings — directly from your TV screen through the AT&T U-bar.
• YELLOWPAGES.COM TV, for fast and easy searches to find local businesses and other information via your TV screen.
• AT&T Yahoo! Games, so you can play your favorite online games — including Sudoku, Solitaire, JT’s Blocks, Mah-jongg Tiles and Chess — on the TV screen.

AT&T has also announced today the availability of AT&T U-verse Voice to all U-verse eligible customers in the Bay Area, bringing consumers a next-generation digital voice service with unique integrated features. AT&T U-verse services are currently available to more than 580,000 living units in the greater Bay Area, marking a significant expansion since AT&T U-verse launched locally in December 2006.

In the future, AT&T plans to add to its Total Home DVR service with the ability to schedule recordings and pause or control live TV from non-DVR receivers.

AT&T is deploying next-generation AT&T U-verse services as part of its mission to connect people with their world, everywhere they live and work, and do it better than anyone else. Customers benefit from integrated AT&T services across the three screens they value most: the TV, the PC and the wireless phone.

For additional information on AT&T U-verse — or to find out if it’s available in your area — visit http://uverse.att.com, call 800-ATT-2020 or visit a local AT&T retail location.

The Best TV Service Just Got Even Better - Special Promotion Makes Signing Up for FiOS TV Even Sweeter

Cable Can't Compete With Ultimate Home-Entertainment Experience From
Verizon; Promotion Offers Free High-Def Digital Video Recorder for 12
Months and Free Month of HBO/Cinemax for New FiOS TV Customers

NEW YORK, Aug. 12 /PRNewswire/ — As TV lovers look forward to the
start of the new fall programming season, Verizon is making it easier to
enjoy the ultimate home-entertainment experience — with a new promotional
savings offer for FiOS TV.

New customers who subscribe to FiOS TV between now and Oct. 4 will
receive their choice of a year's free use of either a high-definition (HD)
digital video recorder (DVR) or an HD Home Media DVR. Verizon is also
offering new FiOS TV customers, or existing customers who upgrade to a
bundled package, one free month of HBO and Cinemax, which includes the
latest hit movies, documentaries and original programming from more than 25
premium channels and access to hundreds of titles on video-on-demand (VOD).
New customers who take advantage of this offer will save between $200 and
$260 the first year, depending upon the DVR customers choose.

"High-def is hot, and FiOS TV is delivered over the network that's
built for HD," said Shawn Strickland, vice president of video solutions for
Verizon. "Our new offer combines the excitement of premium movies with the
convenience and advanced technology of our high-def DVRs. It's a great time
for people to experience HD the way it's meant to be seen, with the
sharpness and clarity of FiOS TV."

With Verizon's unique Home Media DVR, customers can use one DVR to
record programming that can then be watched on up to six other TV sets in
the home. This includes viewing up to three separately recorded programs
simultaneously on different TV sets, and the ability to pause recorded
programming on one set and then continue watching it on another. FiOS TV's
Home Media DVR is bundled with Media Manager, a feature that allows
customers to access photos and music from their personal computers and play
them on their TV or home theater system.

According to Greg Ireland, consumer video research manager for the
industry analyst firm IDC, this new promotional offer is unusual and
impressive because it focuses on features that can positively transform the
viewer experience — and in the case of Home Media DVR, it offers a unique
service that none of the major cable TV providers can deliver to their
customers system-wide.

"What makes this promotion compelling is the fact that it focuses on an
increasingly popular feature, the DVR, in a way that will appeal to both
late- and early-adopters of DVRs," said Ireland. "With this offer,
consumers who have always wanted a DVR can get one for free for 12 months
by moving to FiOS TV. And those that already use a DVR can extend that
experience throughout their home at no charge for 12 months by signing up
for FiOS TV and its Home Media DVR service. This is a good example of how a
service provider can leverage its technological advantages to attract new
business."

In addition to FiOS TV, Verizon offers FiOS Internet service over its
advanced network, with connection speeds as high as up to 50 Megabits per
second (Mbps) downstream and 20 Mbps upstream.

"FiOS is the fastest Internet, period," said Strickland. "When you
combine our superior voice, video and broadband — all delivered on our
advanced network — with unbeatable packages, it's clear that cable just
can't compete."

Verizon's FiOS TV service is delivered over the nation's largest
all-fiber network, straight to customers' homes and businesses, and
features pure digital HD quality and sound as well as an expanding HD
channel lineup, interactive features, diverse content and more. FiOS TV is
currently available to more than 7 million homes in 13 states, and offers
more than 400 all-digital channels, a robust interactive media guide and
other advanced features. Customers also have access to the largest VOD
library, with more than 11,000 titles per month, 70 percent of which are
free. The VOD library includes an increasing number of HD titles, with
plans for 1,000 HD VOD titles per month by the end of the year. For more
information on FiOS TV, visit http://www.verizon.com/fiostv. Consumers can also
call their local Verizon sales office or 888-438-3467.

Verizon Communications Inc. (NYSE: VZ), headquartered in New York, is a
leader in delivering broadband and other wireline and wireless
communication innovations to mass market, business, government and
wholesale customers. Verizon Wireless operates America's most reliable
wireless network, serving nearly 69 million customers nationwide. Verizon's
Wireline operations include Verizon Business, which delivers innovative and
seamless business solutions to customers around the world, and Verizon
Telecom, which brings customers the benefits of converged communications,
information and entertainment services over the nation's most advanced
fiber-optic network. A Dow 30 company, Verizon employs a diverse workforce
of more than 228,600 and last year generated consolidated operating
revenues of $93.5 billion. For more information, visit http://www.verizon.com.

Right now, Verizon's FiOS network is built fiber-to-the-premises (FTTP), which means it's fiber all the way to your door, a fact it mercilessly (and rightly) lords over cable and AT&T's U-Verse. U-Verse is built as fiber to the node, where it's fiber to a box you share with your neighbors and connect to via copper or coax. It's slower than FiOS. But, FTTP buildout is really, really expensive—Verizon's spent $20 billion already, way more than AT&T.

And spending even more to build fiber out to sparely populated areas doesn't make much economic sense, even if it is cheaper than expected. (As much as we all want our own personal fiber line.) So, they're leaking for a cheaper alternative, "another approach to FTTP," in Wegleitner's words. That's all well and good, as long as it's still fiber to my door. (Soon, please?) [PC Mag]

DVice has a side-by-side of the FiOS vs. Comcast comparison as well, and things look pretty damn ugly.

The forum poster says that the compression isn't too horrible with still images, but gets really bad when stuff moves around.

The greatest differences are seen with movement. With slow movement on Comcast, the first thing you notice is added noise and a softer image, as fine detail is filtered from the picture signal. The greater the rate of movement, the more detail you lose and the more noise you see. With intense movement, you see more blocking and skipped frames. In VideoRedo, I noticed that a number of frames in the FiOS signal simply did not exist in the Comcast signal during motion intensive scenes. This may be responsible for the stutter and excessive motion blur seen with some video sequences on Comcast.

To Comcast's credit, I saw little to no difference on movie channels such as HBO, Cinemax, and Starz. I did see some blurring and reduced detail during fast movement on Starz, but the recordings from Cinemax and HBO were virtually identical, even on action movies such as 300 and Gladiator. When there was blocking on the Comcast feed of Cinemax, that blocking was also on the FiOS feed.

[AVSforum via DVice]

Joking aside, one of the biggest threads in comments about FiOS is always, "When will it be available to me?" Right now Verizon's is available to just 9 million households in 16 states, expanding by 3 million a year to cover a full 18 million by 2010. If you're not in an area covered by Verizon's landline phone service now, though, you're out of luck: Verizon doesn't plan on building it outside the current footprint, which is mostly in the Northeast.

For those who already have FiOS and want in on the 20/20 action, availability announcements in areas outside of NY/NJ/CT are coming soon—it makes sense they got it first, given they comprise the only area where the 20Mbps downstream option is the most popular package. (Everywhere else, the most popular packages are in the 5-15Mbps downstream range.)

If you want to know the evolution of super-sick bandwidth, Verizon currently uses the BPON standard, which has limits of 622 Mbps downstream and 155 up per optical line terminal. One of these can serve 32 households. There's no hardware upgrade required to jump to 20/20 service, just a new service profile and a flip of a switch. Of course 32 households couldn't run 20/20 full blast all at once—but according to Brian Whitton, Verizon's Executive Director of Broadband Access Technologies, simultaneous peak usage on that scale is such a remote possibility it's not really an issue. Yet.

Godzilla bandwidth comes into play with GPON, a type of service that can deliver a total pool of 2.4 Gbps down and 1.2Gbps up for the 32 households. Right now Verizon is testing that in Pennsylvania, seeing peak rates of 400Mbps down and sustained rates of 200Mbps. 200Mbps. That's enough to make even the most hardened Tokyo resident jealous with their measly 100Mbps downstream fiber service.

And guess what? "Virtually" every network hub built after January will be GPON-based, says Verizon. It has the network set up for easy upgrading, so to bump current hubs to GPON, technicians just have to swap out the boxes on each end of the fiber cable they've already laid. Not too much of a hassle, in other words. As each current hub hits its bandwidth limit, it too will be updated to super-fast GPON.

Here's the takeaway: The pipes for uber-AZN, droolworthy bandwidth will get here soon, but only if you live within Verizon's wireline network, and only if Verizon sees a demand for the service. Believe it or not, outside geekdom there's not as much demand as you'd think. The numbers for the 50Mbps downstream package they already offer are dwarfed by the cheaper, lower-end ones. So tell your friends to beg Verizon for the ability to download the whole internet in minutes, and maybe, just maybe, they'll respond. They offered the 20/20 service in response to demand, so crying loud and hard just might work. [Verizon Consumer FiOS]