As the year draws to a close, we've reviewed our reviews from 2009, and scientifically determined just which toys were the best of the best this year. Below, our picks for the tops in toys.

10) The Real Touch: With a few rare exceptions, high end (and high tech) sex toys are almost exclusively targeted at women. The Real Touch is looking to change that. A high tech masturbator that syncs with POV porn, the Real Touch may just change the face of toys for boys. True, it has its problems (most notably, the fact that it won't work if you're not paying per minute for AEBN's porn)—but it's promising enough to give us hope for the future.

9) OhMiBod Freestyle: After years on the scene, the OhMiBod has finally reached its full potential. With the Freestyle's wireless connection, you can finally rock out to your tunes without being tied down to them.

8) Tenth Anniversary Tristan Butt Plug: The Tenth Anniversary Tristan Plug takes a good thing and makes it better (or at least bigger). A beefed up version of the original Tristan plug, the 10th anniversary edition is a must have for any butt aficionado in need of an upgrade.

7) Bolero Straitjacket **BEST LUXURY TOY**: This delightful bondage device combines the efficient immobilization of the straitjacket with the delicious eroticism of being nearly naked. True, it's not cheap—but if you're willing and able to invest in your BDSM toy chest, it's an excellent addition.

6) Imperial: With 11 inches of aircraft quality spun aluminum, the Imperial is bound to please any and all size queens—especially the ones who enjoy toys with the ability to pleasure and violently disfigure.

5) Bloomy: A wonderful dildo for the girls, and a p-spot stimulating butt plug for the boys—Bloomy's a toy that everyone can enjoy! (Just, uh, remember to sterilize it before sharing.)

4) Finger Tingles **BEST BUY**: Since the day we first discovered sex, we've wondered whether there could ever be away to improve on the erotic abilities of the simple little finger. The answer, friends, is yes: with the help of the Finger Tingles, your mild-mannered digit becomes a super finger.

3) Contour Q **BEST DISCREET TOY**: Don't be fooled by Contour Q's innocent appearance: these bumpy little massage stones know their way around a woman's body. And we do mean all parts of the body.

2) Sqweel: With the Sqweel, Love Honey set out to create a toy that replicates the sensation of oral sex. While they may not have quite achieved that goal, they did create a wholly unique toy that stimulates in a very unusual (and very pleasing) way.

1) Form 2: Small, sleek, and super-powered: the rabbit-inspired Form 2 has two silicone ears that are all revved up and ready to rock. And just like a real rabbit, this thing won't quit until long after you're satisifed.

Worst Toy of 2009: The Blowguard: Sure, it'll enable you to give a decent blowjob with absolutely no effort...at the cost of your dignity, your comfort, and your ability to control your drooling.

The battery powered tiny motor inside Maybelline's $15 Pulse Perfection supposedly delivers 7,000 vibrations per minute which is way faster than anyone can actually apply mascara to one's eyelashes, but I'm told by my friends who have used it that you have very little control of the vibrator itself, it can be too rough on your lashes and comes out clumpy. I'd most likely poke myself in the eye and frankly if I am doing that I'd rather it be while putting on Terminator Vision contact lenses. [NotCot via Make]

At which point "honey" throws up and walks out on me. Again. Nevertheless, one 2-hour movie and a full stomach later, I'm sleeping like a baby, content with the knowledge that no un-popped kernels have infiltrated my digestive system, thereby ruining my evening.

More seriously though, dear readers, the guys at Stupid Inventions claim the vibrator is merely the motor unit from a massage pillow. Sure it is, fellas. Try using that line on your next date. [YouTube via Nowhere Else - Thanks, Zachary]

While it technically does run off steam, Niow cautions you'll need to wear insulated welding gloves to handle it without getting burned. This is why she's temporarily using compressed air for now.

If she can secure a smaller portable boiler she'll give the thing a run at full power, as was intended. Just wear those gloves as a precaution anyway, ok Ani? [Flickr via Laughing Squid via Hackaday]

For these under represented sexual minorities, a company has released the "world's first 100% eco-friendly sex toy," the $95 Earth Angel Wind-Up vibrator. Constructed from 100% recycled materials, 4 minutes of cranking stores 30 minutes of vibrating power (like those 5-in-1 solar emergency radios but way more pervy).

So to sum it up: A woman wastes a few minutes working a stick before receiving a moderately satisfying level of physical stimulation. Is there really no better model than this, science? [LoveHoney via ShinyShiny]

All of the vibes have great names like Chic Glorifier, Handy Hannah Vitalator, Stim-U-Lax Junior, Bonger Body Massager, and let's not forget the classic Magic Fingers Hotel Bed Massager. I included my favorites below, but hop over to Oobject for the full effect. If I ever see these in real life, I'm running in the opposite direction. What were ladies in the '50s thinking? [oobject]

Philips labels them "relationship care" gizmos, which kind of deflects attention away from the gadget details: multiple vibration modes (up to 120Hz) and intensities, a wireless charger base/storage case which avoids the need for battery replacements, they make a "soft purring sound," and are ergonomically designed. Silliness aside, it looks like Philips has really thought about these things, and priced them accordingly: the Warm Intimate Massager is around $140 in the UK, while Dual Massagers (his and hers) are $160 as is the unisex version.

Philips' carefully-worded press release below.

London, United Kingdom – Royal Philips Electronics (NYSE:PHG, AEX:PHI) today announced the launch of a new category of ‘Relationship Care’ with the introduction in the UK of a range of products designed to enhance couples’ sexual well-being. These products will specifically target a new and previously unaddressed market of consumers in the 35-55 year age group who are open to using intimate accessories. Philips will sell its ‘Intimate Massager’ range in the UK through selected high street retailers i.e. Boots, Selfridges of London and www.Amazon.co.uk.

“Today’s product launch is exciting as Philips enters this new market with a unique offering for consumers’ personal well-being,” says Sheila Struyck, Head of Market-driven Innovation and Category Leader for Relationship Care within Philips’ Consumer Lifestyle sector. “This is an attractive market opportunity that Philips is in a unique position to pursue. We have the expertise in health and well-being, a strong track record in product design, a deep knowledge of consumer marketing, as well as a brand shown to lend credibility and appeal to this product category by addressing our target market in an accessible way.”

The category is being launched following extensive market research. In the UK, research showed that 35% of adults would consider using an intimate accessory with their partner if it were designed for couples rather than being meant for individual use. Furthermore, studies showed these adults would be more likely to try such products if they could buy them through more accessible and – what consumers perceive to be – less embarrassing retail channels.

The first product launch from the Relationship Care category is a range of ‘Intimate Massagers’. These have been designed to be tasteful and stylish in their look and feel, creating an appealing product for consumers that can be sold by mainstream retailers. Philips’ Intimate Massagers are also the first non-penetrative stimulators designed for partners to use together.

In commenting on the launch of Philips’ new range of Intimate Massagers, Simon McCandlish, Commercial Director for Healthcare from Boots said: “People come to Boots because they trust us to provide excellent healthcare products and advice. We believe that a healthier love life can improve overall health and well-being – and our customers have told us that they would like to buy these products from us. Both Boots and Philips are brands that stand for quality, reliability and trust. Our joint objectives are to provide High Street access to a range of products designed to enhance the love lives of UK consumers.”

Following the UK launch, Philips expects to introduce its range of Intimate Massagers in other European markets in 2009.

The launch of this new category reinforces Philips’ strategy as a health and well-being company to build market leadership positions in high-growth, high-margin businesses. For 2008, Philips estimates the value of the market for Relationship Care – a new and previously unaddressed market - to be approximately EUR 70 million for the UK and approximately EUR 280 million for Western Europe, with growth rates between 5% and 15%.

Philips’ new Relationship Care product category will form part of Philips’ Health & Wellness business unit within the company’s Consumer Lifestyle sector.

Ponies reminds us that we've seen this somewhere before.

Sure, Immersion uses an alter ego, "Internet Services, LLC," as an alias for when it licenses the rights to its "teledildonic gaming devices" patent to pleasure seekers of the flesh variety, but it's still the same tech at heart. Next up: A DIY project that turns the Wii Fit balance board into a customized Tantric sit-and-spin BMI calculator. Who's with me? [Boing Boing Gadgets]

Quite a lot of cool, calm thought must have gone into this design—JeJoue's similar product from a while back had programmable, downloadable motions but their research suggested users would prefer something a little more spontaneous. So while you can no longer blog and share the motion files (fascinating concept!) the SaSi has two modes: a simple "natural" mode where you can select from its pre-chosen vibe patterns, and the "learn" mode, where it morphs between different styles, learning what you like as you vote yes or no using its (apparently) iPod-inspired control pad.

Its a high-end product, since electronic pleasure with this level of cleverness will cost you $175 when it's on sale in a couple of months, but at least you get removable silicon covers for that price. And you'll get to explore an attentive electronic bed-partner. You know, there are some product design meetings that we'd just love to have been attending.

Video by NickMcGlynn
[FleshBot and Wired]

The crime was caught on CCTV, and Jex was easily identified by a faint buzzing sound an enigmatic smile on his face his hat, which he had discarded following the robbery, and which was found to contain traces of his DNA.

Sentencing him, the judge said: "It's right to record that you did not have a firearm but you pretended you had and intended that those you confronted believed that you did, and it must have been truly terrifying for them at the time." [BBC News and Guardian Unlimited]

Based in part on the award-winning book The Technology of Orgasm by history of tech professor Rachel Maines, the doc is full of cool stuff, including interviews with ladies arrested for selling vibrators in states like Texas where the little pleasure buzzers are still illegal. Maines aroused public interest in vibrator history after she published an article about it in a 1987 issue of IEEE Technology and Society. In the movie, Maines recounts her battle with the IEEE about publishing the article — apparently the editorial board thought her article on hundred-year-old vibrators was a hoax. Maines says:

They did a full-scale investigation. I had to prove that I existed and I had to give them a Social Security number. My husband called it the attack of the dweebs.

The documentary will be coming soon . . . to a theater near you.

[Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm]

News of this product has reached the ears of the suits black turtlenecks in Cupertino and apparently they are not happy. More, plus a picture of the iGasm unboxed (and unPantsed, you'll be pleased to hear) after the jump.

Jacqueline Gold, boss of the sex toy company, received a legal letter from Apple (let's face it, the symbol of original sin) asking it to cease and desist with its promotional posters, a juicy rip-off of the iPod silhouette campaign—only this time, instead of the white wires going into her pocket, they are disappearing into her scanties.

Ms Gold's only response has been humorous. "Perhaps I can send them an iGasm to put the smile back on their faces." Er, I don't think it will work on Steve, as I think he is lacking the correct—how shall we say this?—plumbing. – Ad Dugdale

Apple Moans over Sex Toy Spat [The Register]

I may not have any lady parts, but that looks like it would hurt. $70. –Travis Hudson

Product Page [Via Shiny Shiny]

Aside from the novelty value, we're not quite understanding why you couldn't just use the toothbrush as a vibrator on its own without putting it into an Altoids Box. And, this project might be great if you already have an electric toothbrush lying around unused, but surely you wouldn't buy an Oral-B electric toothbrush just to modify it into a vibrator, would you? Perhaps a reader who knows more about vibrators and electric toothbrushes might enlighten us. – Charlie White

Altoids Can Vibrator [Homemade Sex Toys]

It's a bit disconcerting that this device looks vaguely like the yokes worn by a team of oxen, but it also reminds us of that old "Bone Phone" (anybody remember that?) from years gone by. Even so, the Sqush could probably put the kibosh on whatever pain you suffer, offering blessed relief for the bargain price of $19.99.

Speaking of bones, isn't the Sqush getting perilously close to an erogenous zone or two in that picture above? Perhaps the ladies might even consider slipping the vibrating massager between the legs for a little ride 'em horsey action. A versatile device, indeed. – Charlie White

Sqush Neck Massager [ubergizmo]

This is more than just a bullet-style vibrator—it is fully insertable for maximum pleasure. They also offer an optional Garter belt for you public pleasure needs. It is currently available for $70 and appears to work with the standard 3.5mm audio jack, so any music playing device would get you off, weirdo. – Travis Hudson

Product Page [Via Gearlog]

With its pretty lavender color and tasteful cone shape, she can keep it on the nightstand without any rude questions being bandied about. A rather small device at 7.5 inches in diameter and 4.5 inches high, it uses three C batteries. On sale now in the UK for 49.99 (about $92). – Charlie White

Product Page [Playtime Paradise, via Shiny Shiny]