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08/28/09
I am no longer a full-time employee at Microsoft. I left my position as CEO over a year ago. I have had little to do with the marketing of Windows 7.
My focus is now using my billions, brains and skills to make the world a better place (unlike others...) -- in fact, my non-profit is the second largest in America. You may have heard of it since, you know, it is fucking named after me.
You actually work for a newspaper? No wonder they are going under.
Sincerely,
Bill Gates III
cc: Steve Ballmer
cc: Ray Ozzie
cc: Craig Mundie
bcc: Steve Jobs
08/28/09
08/28/09
PCs, bwa-ha-ha.
08/28/09
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08/28/09
Dad?
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07/27/09
07/27/09
Walt,
Does the release canadate have the same issues? I'm thinking of getting a dog and would like to head off any unfortunate situations to start with. Also my Grandmother is visiting next week, so there is that.
Thanks.
07/27/09
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07/27/09
Sadly, no, Apple's not greasing my wheel.
07/27/09
07/27/09
I'm Walt Mossberg. Shut up.
It's the end times, people, and it's terrifying: the release of Windows 7 is just around the corner, and our dear and gentle savior, Apple's orgasm-inducing snow leopard, won't be released in time to protect us. don't expect Linux to save you, either; that drunken idiot's running naked through the streets, trying to convince everyone he's a real man because he drew genitals over his ken doll crotch with a sharpie.
You'd be on your own if it wasn't for me, so be thankful. I'm going to do what I can to help you survive the invasion of Windows 7.
UNDERSTANDING THE THREAT
1. hardware incompatibilities. it's possible that old hardware won't have the proper device drivers when windows 7 is released, so if you own a really old printer or scanner, it might stop working.
2. it'll make you sound like a nerd. once installed, windows 7 will phone every person in your contacts list, and using a sophisticated new voice synthesizer, will spend hours explaining, in YOUR voice, why the extended versions of the lord of the rings movies were less true to the spirit of the novels than the theatrical releases. if your friends are still on the line after the first hour, windows 7 will continue the conversation in elvish.
3. it will microwave your cat. using a new microwave Ray run, which comes bundled with every copy of the operating system, windows will kill any pets that come near your computer. this is to protect your keyboard, however, due to a bug in the programming, windows 7 will also microwave your grandmother.
4. windows 7 will give you herpes.
that's right. actual herpes. if you already have herpes, it'll give you syphillis.
5. windows 7 will sacrifice your firstborn child. it turns out that Windows 7 is
devoutly religious, and it thinks that by killing your firstborn child it will appease the vengeful god Steve Ballmer.
That's some pretty terrifying stuff right there. if your depends aren't overflowing with warm, goopy fear right now, like mine are, then you need to go through the list again and again until you fully understand the dangers we're all facing.
HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
1. stick with windows XP. sure, xp is evil, too, but it simply can't do as much to you as windows 7 can.
2. get an abacus. sure, the clock speed of an abacus is a little slow, but it won't give you herpes. unless you get your abacus from a hooker.
3. explode best buy. one way to stop the spread of windows 7 is to limit the number of places it can arrive. your local best buy, wal-mart and post office are all infestation points. do a google search for "how to make a Molotov cocktail" and start helping your community.
4. hide out in an apple store. the geniuses at the apple store will know what to do. they're so great; one time they replaced my broken iPod, even though I didn't have a receipt. and while you're waiting out the apocalypse, why not buy some macs? mac users never have to upgrade, ever. not once in the history of the product. ever.
5. kill the head windows 7. if nothing else works, you'll have to kill the head windows 7. I'm talking of course about steve ballmer. once that bastard's down, all of the copies of windows 7 will deactivate. if you don't know
what he looks like, he'll be the bald, greasy bastard flopping on the street yelling "windows 7! windows 7! windows 7!" while the world burns.
Well that's it. Follow my tips and keep a cool head, and you should get through this -- oh no, they're already here. They're everywhere!
I'm walt mossberg; shut up! shut up! shut up!
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