Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

It is an indisputable fact that Mike Lane—known in professional circles as Magic Mike—knows how to strip. He's the headliner at Xquisite, a fine Florida club highlighting the clothes-taking-off talents of the Cock Rocking Kings of Tampa. But exotic dancing is a money-making stopgap before he can pursue his true passion: Design.

First off—whether you've seen the film or not—let's all re-familiarize ourselves with the trailer, shall we?

When this film came out in 2012, all anyone wanted to talk about was the be-thonged, shirtless hardbodies of this fun-loving group of handsome dudes and their completely ridiculous choreographed routines, featuring an unceasing onslaught of synchronized ab-and-crotch gyrations, memorably set to everything from It's Raining Men to Pony to a brief taste of unheralded classic of our time, Booty Wurk (One Cheek at a Time).

That's understandable! I mean, I totally get it. But I'll be damned if my jaw didn't drop when it was revealed that all this charming beefcake, with his handsome face like a slab of ham, wanted to do was make furniture. Yes! He wanted to make custom furniture upcycled from all sorts of weird, incongruous garbage that washed up on the shores of the Sunshine State, or perhaps snagged from the construction sites or body shops where he did his daily grind of odd jobs to get him there.

This is hugely commendable. Deeply inspiring. But: The brief glimpses we get of his wares are… Hrm. If you blinked and missed 'em, some screenshots for your consideration:

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

I hate to denigrate someone's earnest and respectable dreams, but sheesh. If that first one wasn't a still from the set, I wouldn't necessarily believe it was real (it is—see below!). I don't think the second can feasibly exist. Right? It looks like a rendering of two hunks of literal, legitimate junk with a transparent disc set every so gently on the top. Am I crazy thinking the angles look off, too? And how would the glass surface be affixed without showing through the top? I don't even know where to begin with the third entry there.

Now, his apartment has a kind of chilled out, beachy appeal with decor affixed to the walls in no particular conceivable order, plus lots of weathered leather that covers the sofa and a few well-loved Barcelona seats that have probably experienced some very wild shenanigans. It suits the laidback thang he's got going.

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

At one point when they first meet, Magic Mike drops a bit of knowledge on the perpetually frowny eventual love interest about her knock-off kitchenette set, which he thinks might be a "retro" Heywood-Wakefield or Russell Wright. So he's got an eye and knows a bit about the classics.

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

Here he is telling that same lady grump about his big picture life plan:

By the end of the film—SPOILERS—he's actually further from his goal, after having used all the cashola he was saving to start his own business to instead bail out the wet blanket's kid brother (and Magic Mike's mentee) for some unsettled drug debts. Will this be a plot point that will be addressed or abandoned in next year's sure-to-be-blockbuster, "on-the-road adventure" sequel, Magic Mike XXL? We shall see!

In the meantime, superfans can bid on this little bit of (not inexpensive) history that honors a man and his maker sensibilities. For a mere $395, this could be yours:

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible

A Hero Michael Lane Custom Furniture Concepts Portfolio from the 2012 strip comedy Magic Mike. In the film, male stripper "Magic" Mike Lane (Channing Tatum) looks to put his stack of singles to good use and get a loan to start a furniture business. This is the portfolio he shows to a bank employee to plead his case. The portfolio is made of thin, black plastic and plastic windows. It consists of 12 pages and a total of 14 images of Mike's furniture work. The piece measures 12"x11" (30cm x 28 cm ) and is in great condition. This item comes with a Prop Store Certificate of Authenticity.

And as hinted at up above, a while back online marketplace 1stDibs had the actual "Vintage Medical Records Coffee Table" featured in the opening scene up for sale; apparently it rotates IRL, so there's that. Bummed you missed that opportunity? Apartment Therapy did a get-the-look roundup, if you're so inclined to make Magic Mike's "warm industrial" style your very own.

Magic Mike is now streaming on HBOGO, and as it features a scene set on the Fourth of July it is technically a cinematic experience that celebrates tomorrow's national holiday so really, it would be downright unpatriotic not to watch it. Also, butts. [HBOGO]

Magic Mike Should Stick to Stripping, His Furniture Designs Are Terrible