Online Dating Replacement: Tragic "Please Date Me" Clothing Line

Most attempts at "online dating" fail not because of some outwardly obvious personal defect on your part, but because it is an inherent failure on the part of online dating as an institution not to dress you in regrettable cotton t-shirts that say, with just a logo and a few carefully chosen words, that you are so very lonely and will try literally anything, and further, have likely begun designing and printing wedding invitations for potential marriage matches with each person at your office, just in case.

This being the case, consider this "Meet Me" line of clothes that just launched on Kickstarter. Gutzy Wear, which originally had a pilot run in Arizona but is ready to go national, "tells other singles the wearer is single and approachable."

We would pause here to suggest a gentler, possibly less desperate alternative to a Kickstarter t-shirt designed to tell singles that you're "single and approachable":

To be accompanied by a shirtless or beachwear photo, because that exudes confidence and also because literally any other or no clothes at all are better than a wearable Zoloft prescription that gives the world overt permission to screw with you.

About Me: Affectionate. Loving. A little desperate, but aren't we all? I like to think of it as optimistic. (I'm really desperate.)

Interests: I enjoy people who aren't disgusted by looking at me, and who don't think it's OK to throw out the life we built for some trashy dance instructor. I also really like cooking ;)

Favorite Movie, TV Show, Food: Sleepless in Seattle, Grey's Anatomy, dinner for two (with you [and also me, ideally, but I don't mean to pressure you])

Pets? If you have one.

Allergies? I'll take shots.

Smoking? Quit last year, but wouldn't be against a pack or two if it means more quality time together.

Drugs? Use me as a mule. (Do you need a mule?) I don't care. Please want me.

Greatest Fear: Spiders >:0

jk, it's dying alone.

Seeking: ANY HUMAN BEING. I AM SERIOUS. I HAVE NOT BEEN TOUCHED IN YEARS AND AM LITERALLY DYING OF TERMINAL LACK OF HUMAN INTERACTION AND HOPE.