Man selling bed of lies for $150

Man selling bed of lies for $150

Gizmodo's Kyle Wagner argues that this is the saddest Craigslist ad of the week. It's pretty hilarious too, in the darkest possible way.

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Original post by Kyle Wagner on Gizmodo

Yep, That's the Saddest Craigslist Ad of the Week

Yep, That's the Saddest Craigslist Ad of the Week

Heartbreak can take on a lot of physical forms. A box of unsent love letters. An engagement ring you never got to take out of your pocket. A luxury mattress your partner boned someone else on that you have to sleep on every night which you're now selling for $150 on craigslist.

This poor guy (we can assume guy because he's using the cash on a Fleshjack) just wants to move on. So the mattress has to go, no catch. A few preferences, though:

  • In a bad relationship and have to lie next to the constant reminder that you didn't go to grad school so that you could move and get engaged? Then this is the bed for you.
  • don't agree to $150 and get to my house and offer $100. Because that would make you a lying cheater, and I would rather set the mattress on fire and throw it out of the window rather than sell it to you. Seriously, I will lose it.
  • Priority will go to those who can come get this literal bed of lies today, as I've got the entire Fiona Apple and Alanis Morissette discographies to get through.
  • Not a deal-breaker, but it would help immensely if you looked like my ex as I would love to see an entitled, Ivy-League educated asshole struggle with this thing.

Everyone give this masturbating man a round of applause, or just a hug. Full text below. [ Happy Place via Ad Week]

Come get this Plush-ass queen Simmons Beautyrest out of my life - $150 (castro / upper market)

The pain of my broken heart now means less back pain for you! This is basic law of transference type shit. I'm pretty sure the physics work out, but then again - I paid my college roommate who was a scholarship student to do all my take home exams so I can't be entirely sure.

So here's the deal: $150 and it's yours. No catch. Get this fucking mattress out of my life.

It's a plush queen-sized Simmons Beautyrest. It's three years old, and feels like you're sleeping on a fucking cloud - even when you're unknowingly sleeping next to a lying cheater. In a bad relationship and have to lie next to the constant reminder that you didn't go to grad school so that you could move and get engaged? Then this is the bed for you, it will get you to fucking REM and for 6-8 hours every night you'll forget that you're sleeping next to a sociopath. There are no stains, and this thing hasn't seen action in a while.

I thought about giving it away for free, but then I figured, what the hell - sell the bed, and go buy a Fleshjack and a handle of whiskey. And that's how I settled on $150. This thing is priced to move. It's worth much more than the price, and I figure that even someone who is looking at Craigslist on a Tuesday morning could easily afford it. So don't email me with your lowball offers. And don't agree to $150 and get to my house and offer $100. Because that would make you a lying cheater, and I would rather set the mattress on fire and throw it out of the window rather than sell it to you. Seriously, I will lose it.

Priority will go to those who can come get this literal bed of lies today, as I've got the entire Fiona Apple and Alanis Morissette discographies to get through.

And no, I won't help you get it out to your car. There are only eleven steps up to my apartment. You figure it out. I was going to sell the mattress for $200 but I figured it was worth the $50 to watch someone else have to struggle over this oppressive burden. Not a deal-breaker, but it would help immensely if you looked like my ex as I would love to see an entitled, Ivy-League educated asshole struggle with this thing. But totally not necessary.

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