Your Baby's Klout Score Is in the 25th Percentile

As you know, we took a lot of measurements this morning—height, weight, head circumference—and in most respects, your baby is doing great. There's just one thing, and it's not necessarily something to be concerned about, but we do need to talk about it: Your baby's Klout score is in the 25th percentile.

I know you're probably wondering how that's even possible when he's been acting like a perfectly normal baby, gaining weight, updating his Facebook page, tweeting regularly—but it's a sad reality that some babies are just more influential than others, and can really drive online conversations, while some others unfortunately have opinions that don't really make an impact. Some of this may be genetic—I don't know what your Klout scores are—and even though we all want the best for our kids, parents with low Klout scores do tend to raise children who don't get retweeted as often as they should, and who may not be able to build the following on Instagram that can catapult them into a thriving adolescence.

Some of this is about brand engagement. I see it a lot with babies: they're reluctant to interact with companies online and don't see the long-term benefits of establishing those relationships. But it's your job as parents to make your kids do the hard work that will pay off down the line, like blogging about his favorite teething rings, or beefing up his LinkedIn profile. He really needs to get out of his comfort zone and proactively ask people for endorsements—and also list a lot more skills. For instance, he's lifting his head—why isn't that on there?

For some babies, this is just a blip. He'll get some Facebook Likes tomorrow and his score will bump right up and we'll have nothing to worry about. Other kids may always lag a little behind and never be able to generate the same kind of traffic as their peers. Other babies need early intervention—have you thought about getting some help? We work with some terrific social media consultants who babies tend to really respond to. They would set him up on Google+ and get him in the habit of checking in on Foursquare everywhere he goes. Did he check in here? He didn't? Hmm.

I'm going to write him a prescription for a smartphone. He's going to need to take a selfie at least three times a day for the next two weeks, with meals—preferably photographing the meals as well—and then we'll check his score again. I'd also recommend some time devoted to content creation at least three times a day—they make tablets that are good for that. Finally, he has to start friending more people—the right people. That means you need to take him to areas where influencers congregate. I'll give you a list of places where you should start scheduling his playdates, places where the right babies are. Like Gymboree.

And he absolutely needs to use more hashtags—stat. Tell him that's an order from his doctor.

So that's where we stand. I know it's a shock, and not something you were prepared to hear, but this is part of what being a parent is about. With some hard work—and a few pictures with celebrities—I think we can fix this.

Oh, wait, I almost forgot: Your baby also has the mumps. Time is of the essence—get that on Instagram!


Image: Shutterstock/zhu difeng


Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel about law firms, which you can order on Amazon or find out more about at his parody law firm site, Anonymous Law Firm. You can also follow Jeremy on Twitter at @JeremyBlachman.

This post was republished with permission from McSweeney's.