It’s Super Tuesday, which means it’s time to strap in and watch American democracy at work. Twelve states have primaries and caucuses today. And if you worry that watching the avalanche of political coverage tonight might make you physically ill, we’re here to help.
It’s important to keep abreast of the political horse race, but we completely understand if that makes you literally want to vomit. After all, today’s leading candidates have been rated the most strongly disliked candidates in American history.
Some people are depressed about the state of American politics. But we just think that the facts aren’t couched in adequate soothing GIFs. We’ve got a variety of tranquil images, all here to help you relax while you learn about the latest polls that will determine the fate of the strange experiment we call the United States of America.
If you want the boring GIF-free version with all the possible outcomes for today, you can read Philip Bump’s piece over at the Washington Post.
According to the latest polls, Trump is expected to take 42 percent of the vote in Alabama. It’s a winner take all state, so that would mean Trump would win 50 delegates. It’s not winner-take-all for the Democrats, but Clinton’s 71 percent poll numbers mean she’s going to give Sanders quite the spanking.
Does any of this stress you out? Watch a slow-motion video of Noccalula Falls in Alabama and let your worries tumble over the cliff like a cascading torrent of water.
Trump and Cruz are neck and neck in Alaska. There’s a good chance they’ll split Alaska’s 28 delegates fairly evenly. Alaska doesn’t have their Democratic primary on Super Tuesday.
Terrified that Alaska is exclusively Trump/Cruz territory? Here’s some footage of the Northern Lights. I’ve only seen them faintly once when I was in Northern Wisconsin but I hear they’re supposed to be beautiful in Alaska.
The Washington Post estimates that Trump will take about 33 percent of the vote in Arkansas. Cruz and Rubio have about 23 percent each, but Arkansas is a winner take all state, so their 50 delegates will probably all go to Trump. Clinton has another commanding lead in Arkansas where she’s polling around 73 percent of the Democratic vote.
Does any of that make you sick to your stomach? Watch this timelapse of a sunset in Arkansas. Simply stunning.
Colorado’s caucus appears to be neck and neck for Clinton and Sanders, so it’s really anyone’s game. The Republicans don’t caucus in Colorado on Super Tuesday.
Anxious about Colorado being so close? Watch this timelapse of the night sky over Colorado Springs. Feeling any better? I thought not. But hang in there. We can do this.
Trump has a solid lead in Georgia with polls pegging him at 30 percent of the vote and Rubio and Cruz splitting the rest. Georgia splits up their 76 delegates so Trump will probably take about 30 delegates with him. Clinton has a big lead over Sanders in Georgia polling around 64 percent and will probably hand him his ass.
Feeling queasy about any of that information? Here’s a Georgia peach just sitting on a tree being a peach. Yes, it really is an animated GIF but peaches don’t do much but sit there.
Clinton has a slight lead over Bernie, meaning that she’ll probably take home about 48 of the 91 delegates in Massachusetts. The latest polls put Trump at 42 percent of the vote, but it’s not a winner-take-all state for the Republicans, so Massachusetts will toss some breadcrumbs to the rest of the candidates with their 42 total delegates.
Still not feeling well? Enjoy this video of some Boston baked beans being ladled into a bowl. Look at it. Watch it a few times to let it truly sink in. Isn’t it soothing?
Minnesota, a state that once made Jesse “The Body” Ventura its governor, appears to be going establishment. Rubio leads in the state by a slim margin, just ahead of Cruz. Trump might come in third, so expect him to be mean to the land of 10,000 lakes. Clinton is also running strong in Minnesota with recent polls putting her around 60 percent of the vote.
Not feeling so Minnesota Nice about this election cycle? Try to take your mind off things with this video of fireworks from New Ulm, Minnesota.
Trump is strongly ahead of the other candidates in Oklahoma, currently polling at around 33 percent. If things pan out for Trump, he’ll probably take home about 17 of the state’s 43 delegates, with the rest being split amongst Rubio and Cruz. Things are closer for Bernie in Oklahoma but Clinton is still ahead on paper with polls showing her with about 44 percent of the vote compared with Bernie’s 38 percent.
If you’re still feeling frustrated, you can watch this video of things that smell bad and take pleasure in the fact that you don’t have to smell them since they’re only a GIF and you can’t smell GIFs, at least not yet until some genius invents a GIF-smeller and then we’re all in trouble, amirite? Iamrite.
Trump is pummeling the other candidates in Tennessee, currently polling at around 36 percent, with Cruz at just 19 percent and Rubio at just 12 percent. Tennessee is also a winner-take-all state, so the Volunteer State’s 58 delegates will all likely go to Trump. And how about those Democrats? Clinton is polling at about 54 percent compared to Bernie’s 25 percent.
Still stressed? Here’s a reporter from Fox 13’s “Good Morning Memphis” show trying to do a live segment outside of a Trump rally while getting his leg humped by a stray dog. The on-location reporter is so befuddled that he has to throw back to the anchor. Just breathe in and out, very slowly. We can get through this together.
Ted Cruz’s home state of Texas is the only state where he has a clear edge on Trump. He’s projected to take about 37 percent of the vote, according to the Washington Post, but other polls show them more neck and neck. Texas is another state where Clinton is the clear favorite with her currently polling around 62 percent.
I know what you guys need: a video of a cat getting its chin massaged. If you’re not calmer after watching that you’re a fucking chump. Feel better yet? I thought you might. Cat massage is a universal language of peace and tranquility.
Bernie Sanders’ home state of Vermont is the only one where he has a commanding lead, with roughly 78 percent. He’ll likely take home all 16 Democratic delegates from Vermont. Too bad for him that 16 delegates won’t make a dent overall. Trump has a huge lead in Vermont, because there’s a shocking amount of overlap between Trump and Bernie supporters. Some people caucus just to see the world bern.
Here’s video of a TV test pattern from 1989. Remember 1989? It was the year Back to the Future: Part II came out. That movie had hoverboards and an alternate reality where a megalomaniac becomes rich by cheating at life. What a weird thing to imagine.
Virginia is another southern state and another likely win for Clinton. And yet Trump might not win the state. Just kidding, Trump is a favorite to win Virginia as well because HERE WE GO. You asked for it, America. And now we’re getting it.
And in case you’re somehow still stressed out, here’s someone crushing cake with their hand. Apparently it’s a thing.
This has been a public service of Gizmodo. If you’re still stressed, might I suggest developing a dependency on drugs or alcohol? I’ve never heard of that ever going wrong.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.