We asked you to share your online dating horror stories, and share you did—sometimes with explicit and terrifying details. Following are your very best worst tales of internet love. They're not for the faint of heart.
The date who puked:
Here's where the trouble begins: About an hour into the movie she goes to the bathroom. I check my watch and realize that she's been gone for over 10 minutes. No big deal, maybe she got food or didn't feel well. She comes back 15 minutes later and said she bought water and felt a little sick. Hint #4. I asked her multiple times if she was ok/wanted to leave. She said, "I'm fine, my cousin was sick maybe I caught a bug from her." Hint #5: Cut to about 45 minutes left in the movie; she starts to make faces as if she doesn't feel good. I ask again multiple times if she is ok; she insists she is. I suggest that she goes to bathroom in case she has to throw up. She says no.
A minute later SHE THROWS UP ALL OVER THE PLACE. COVERS THE ENTIRE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER AND THREE SEATS TO THE LEFT ALL THE WAY TO AISLE. IT WAS LIKE A MOVIE SCENE, I COULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH ONE PERSON COULD THROW UP. I'm shaken obviously so I climb up a row and go to get help from the theater workers. On the way out of the theater I have to stop short as I round the corner. WHY? BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO GIANT PUDDLES OF VOMIT IN THE HALLWAY!! HER "BATHROOM" TRIP WAS ACTUALLY AN "I'M GONNA THROW UP ON THE FLOOR, LEAVE IT, AND RETURN TO MY DATE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED."
So yea, that was a bad date I guess. Plus I never saw the end of the movie.
The date who wouldn't stop crying:
There was the unemployed law school grad who started sobbing on our date because she had just broken up with a guy because he was agoraphobic. When she regained her composure, she tried to kiss me, then started sobbing again. I got a text from her later that night letting me know that she "really had a good time."
The date that turned out to be an AA meeting:
After chatting with a few guys, I narrowed down my pool to two. I went out with each of them, and felt meh on the one, so the other got a second date. He asked me to meet him in the parking lot of a church on a popular strip. I get there, and he's all excited and happy. He unlocks the door to the church and invites me in. It turns out, he's a recovering alcoholic. He's invited me to an AA meeting where he'll be giving an open talk. And we have to set up.
I tried to be a good sport about it. He knew my ex was an addict and maybe he thought telling me over chat would scare me off or something. He introduced me to everyone one as his "girlfriend" (remember, this was a second date). He stationed me at the coffee maker to serve for the first half hour of the meeting. Then, when I won a door prize of a coffee cup filled with chocolate, he said, "you know, you should really give that to me, since I invited you...but I guess you can keep it since I like you."
The date that she wanted to end in the urinal:
I've been on a billion, but my favorite ridiculous one was about 2 years ago— she talked nonstop about her therapist, borderline personality disorder (people should learn that psychologists don't need to hear about their mental health disorders on a first date), and the boy she loved. In the end, she only wanted to watch me pee.
The date who had a bad trip:
Met a girl on Tinder, long story (not so) short she invited me to her birthday party for our third date where she proceeded to drop acid amongst other drugs!! 2 hours later her lame friends, also too high to function, leave it to me to get her home. We head out, all the while she is fighting with me because she thinks I'm her ex-husband! Full of tears she strips naked in the street screaming "why don't you love me anymore?", I pretty much carry her to her apartment, whilst trying not to drop the leftover cake from her party she "had to have!" I set her down in front of her door, hand her the cake which she proceeds to start eating with her hands (still naked mind you)!
The date who turned out to be a crook:
I went on an [OKCupid] date and had a lovely time. We were in a rush so I got up to take my card to the front to pay for my bill. As I'm paying she walks past me not saying a word and leaves the restaurant. Puzzled I head back to my table to notice I left my wallet on the table and all my credit cards and cash were taken. I asked the table next to me and they confirmed she went through it. I cancelled the cards. The police did nothing and I stopped dating for almost a year.
The date that got sketchier and sketchier:
The second date: She wanted to go to this great bar that she knew about. I was all for it, something new. It turned out to be a really seedy country dive bar. It was like something out of Cheers, everybody knew her, and she even had some family there. She proceeded to get wasted while I took in the sights and got to know the people. There was an old hells angel that told me about his youth, and how he was the king of the skating rink back in the day. I got to see a midget line dance to Copper Head Road. My date ran into a friend she'd made in county lockup. All in all, it wasn't too bad; I really enjoyed the place more than spending time with her though. She ran up a HUGE bar tab while we were there and expected me to pay which wasn't really cool.
The third date: Back to the bar! This time I brought a few of my friends along. Everyone loved the place. But things took a bad turn on the way to drop off my date and her cousin. Her cousin made a comment about having just about the right amount of people for an orgy. My date replied that it wouldn't be the first time, what did her cousin think she did at all those parties she went to. The level of sketchiness was just too much. That was the last time I went out with her, I miss that bar though.
The date who came bearing gifts:
I was excited to meet, as I hadn't dated in a while. In hindsight, there were a few warning signs that this might not turn out well for me. 1) In one phone conversation, the topic of butt size came up, and she said something to the effect of, "don't be scared by how big mine is." 2) When discussing our dinner date, she said, "you have to promise me that no matter what, we'll meet again after our date, even if it doesn't work out, we can have drinks and laugh about it." 3) When she was describing how I'd recognize her outside the restaurant, she said, "I drive a purple Camaro."
Being young and naive, I didn't think much of it all, and arrived at the restaurant that evening with an open mind. How soon things changed. After waiting outside a few minutes, up pulls a purple Camaro convertible. If you've ever seen the movie Friday, where Smokey gets set up with "Janet Jackson", you know what comes next. I'm not a small guy by any means, and this girl had at least 50 lbs on me, if not more. "HEYYYYY!!!" She greeted me, and I did my best not to look scared to death.
In addition to her purse, she was carrying a brown paper bag. I didn't really want to know what might be inside. We went in and got seated at our table and after a minute or two of uneasy conversation, she said, "I brought you something." Out comes the paper bag, from which she pulls out a Ken doll, dressed as Superman, with "Mr. Pringles" written on the cape. My face felt like it was on fire and I could feel everyone in the entire place staring at me.
The probably fake date that we want to believe in that just gets weirder:
We talk for 5 minutes, she apologizes for being late and we go eat. So issue 1: she orders a LOT of expensive food. I don't think anything of paying, even when I'm with friends but I immediately took her up on her offer to go Dutch. Issue 2: We really quickly got on the topic of sex, which I thought was odd, and I said that I like to think that I'm open to anything, but some stuff I consider weird like furries, and I couldn't even try because I'd be laughing too hard. She then tells me that the way she has been making her living for the past several years is she goes to anime and furry conventions and draws pictures of patrons as animals with their junk out. So yeah.
Issue everything: Things spiral from here, and she tells me all these things unprovoked. I'm glad she was honest about them though. So she had been with this guy for the past 2 years. A YEAR before they broke up, she found out that he was having sex with his dog. So yeah. She stayed with him for a YEAR after finding out he was banging the dog. She did not emphasize this point, my BRAIN did, and it would not let it go. So his dog was not a lady dog, it was a boy dog. He was having homosexual dog sex. The part where it crossed the line for her and she decided to leave the relationship was because she found out that her boyfriend was the bottom. Apparently getting fucked BY the dog is her line, much like wearing animal costumes and making zebra noises is mine.
So it's an hour later and I'm still like this. And I'm ready to go home. She says she's had a good time, would like to see me again, and goes in for the hug. Not wanting to be rude, I hugged her back, and because she was wearing a strapless shirt (not attractive, btw) the insides of my arms touched her bare shoulders. I got home and changed my email address and PoF account, went to bed. The next evening the insides of my arms were RIDDLED with ringworm. Ringworm, by the way, commonly transferred from dogs and cats. Which I now suspect she was fucking.
Original illustration by Robert Grossman.