Fake Slenderman and Pedophiles Haunted Last Night's CSI:Cyber

Illustration for article titled Fake Slenderman and Pedophiles Haunted Last Night's CSI:Cyber

“We never should have gotten them those phones!” a desperate mother cries after her sons run away because of a dastardly app. Ah, CSI:Cyber. After last week’s bilious Black Lives Matter episode, this shit train is back to its regular “Did an Old Man Write This After Watching Dateline?” brand of nonsense.


This week, the gang looks for two brothers who disappear after downloading an app that leads them on a treasure hunt for “Red Crone,” a Slenderman rip-off. A sweaty-faced pedo made the app to convince kids to come to his Rape Cabin. Nelson and Raven download the app and have some flirty expository dialog about how it’s a camera filter (“like Instagram!” Raven says).

Once they have the app, the team just follows in the kids’ footsteps until they catch up. It’s a straightforward and boring chase, enlivened only by side drama that once again emphasizes that Avery is a terrible boss. Terrible.

Illustration for article titled Fake Slenderman and Pedophiles Haunted Last Night's CSI:Cyber

Avery tells DB she knows Nelson and Raven—two former hackers who are expressly not allowed to socialize outside of work, both only out of prison as part of bargains struck to hunt other hackers—are an item. “Two black hats dating? Doesn’t that violate the deal they had with the FBI?” DB asks, reasonably. Avery says that these two former criminals doing sex is fine because “everyone deserves to get laid.”

Uh. Hmm. While that is a chill attitude to have in general re: fucking, as the direct supervisor of two recently released felons explicitly prohibited from interacting socially, overlooking this seems like it might be a fireable offense. Also, Avery and DB 45894396858943289032850983190583290% are gonna bone, which is probably against the rules too, not like Avery cares.

Avery’s free love approach to office dynamics is not her biggest boss failure tonight. After she watches Mundo beat the living shit out of the sweaty pedo, she gives him a light, unofficial suspension. “This isn’t you!” she says, even though Mundo has used unnecessary force in almost every episode, and he is a barely-controlled rage case whose excuse for extrajudicial violence is being sad about his sick dad.


Mundo should be fired. Nelson should be fired. Raven should be fired. Avery should be fired a lot.

The CSI: Cyber writers should be fired.

Also in this episode: Krumitz chastises a pizza delivery person for not allowing him to add more than eight toppings to his ‘za, because this show is really going for it in its Portrait of a Neckbeard as a Young Diabetes.



I find the show purile with a lack of structure or direction.